Extreme existential fear

[Max_V]

That’s it, I tried to face the fear again. I went with a loving approach towards the body and gave myself permision to stop if it got too bad.

In the end I just sat through most of the fear because I strongly felt this had nothing to do with my body dying. Something else was dying.

There were a couple insights to be had.

- I have the belief that for a body to exists, it needs a self, without it, it will die. 

- All the things I think that I am, my insecurities, fearful reactions in situation, behaviour is just an addon to who I truely am. It doesn’t define that one.

 

I don’t know how I will move forward now, I guess I will just keep on contemplating and researching and investigating. This probably wasn’t some big awakening, but it does feel like my sense of self has shifted and some new insights were found.

@JustinS

@Leo Gura

@Shin

@Nahm

Edited December 26, 2017 by Max_V

[Shroomdoctor]

Wow, Two months and such progress. How long do you Self inquire each day?

[Max_V]

@Shroomdoctor

30 minutes every day, although I haven’t been able to do it for that much yesterday.

also throughout my day I try to ‘find’ this sense of ‘I’ and see where it takes me. 

[Preetom]

@Max_V  Some strategies that help me with fear or shock during inquiry.

1) when fear arises, go metta. Ask ''who is aware right now?'', ''To whom does it arise?''. Try to come back to your 'senses' rather than being sucked into a negative thought spiral. 

2) Understand that the very fear is arising 'in' awareness, experienced 'by' awareness and 'is' nothing but awareness itself! This whole thing is a strange loop. 

http://non-duality.rupertspira.com/read/the_way_of_beauty

3) Know that you'll feel a LOT better after this storm passes. I set up a 3 day retreat at home doing over 25 hours of self inquiry. At one point there was tremendous fear and I literally disidentified from it all. There was fear and I was totally untouched by it, sitting there laughing silly, unable to find a 'me'. It lasted for about 5-10 minutes. That was the 1st time I had an actual taste of what it truly means to 'witness'. A taste of self realization. After the mini retreat, my anxiety and the notion 'I exist as a body' diminished to a great extent for a week or so.

You'll feel a lot better after these energies are played out. Hang in there man!

Edited December 26, 2017 by Preetom

[ajasatya]

@Max_V be aware of what lives through the body, for it's the highest mystery.

"it" lives through all bodies at the same time.

and even though i say "body" and "it", "body" is actually part of "it".

many names have been used. particularly, i like "holy spirit".

the holy spirit contemplates itself and has no clue. this is why it's the highest mystery. it can't be known.

existential awe and existential crisis are two sides of the same coin. the higher the mystery, the higher the thirst for comprehension.

and this thirst is the primal engine of Reality, otherwise we wouldn't exist as instruments of contemplation.

your thirst is helpless for enlightenment doesn't satisfy the mind. so this is the big leap of humility

accept your ignorance
this moment can't be grasped
be in awe, as Primarily intended

my son, my brother and my father,
give up already
melt away now
no words are needed now

Edited December 26, 2017 by ajasatya

[Space]

@Max_V Seems like you've got a knack for self-inquiry. Got any advice for the rest of us? Whats you're general approach? Do you ask questions or spend more time in silence? I've been working on it much much longer than 2 months but haven't felt like i've made any big leaps or gotten remotely close to what you've described. 

[Max_V]

@Space It's almost as if I don't want to tell you how to get here because it is scary as fuck and I feel so much resistance. But here you go:

I don't really do anything special. The only thing maybe out of the ordinary is that I try to focus on this journey the entire day. It's not something I just do sometimes, it's becoming my life.

As for practices: I try to remain mindful 24/7 and during self-inquiry I just go and see what I identify as 'me'. Then I close my eyes and try to pinpoint where I go. When I get a clear sense of that, inquiry begins.

Edited December 26, 2017 by Max_V

[Space]

@Max_V Great, thanks. So as I understand you're just putting a lot of focus into, or atleast starting with, really nailing down what you identify with, what you identify as 'me', and trying to get a very clear answer to that? And then inquiring into that. 

[Max_V]

@Space Yes that’s important. Without it you could start inquiring mechanically.