Receding Spiritual State? Pseudo-nirvana?

[Hard_Agent]

I started meditating in the February of 2017; I stayed consistent with my practice and, once a little over three months had passed, I began to experience a shotgun burst of benefits. My social anxiety melted away, and my ability to focus on material I would otherwise find boring skyrocketed. The hum of a moving bus began to sound beautiful, along with most other sounds I would hear in my day. I became capable of sitting down and doing nothing. I wrote better than I ever had, and I spoke better than I ever had. In small glimpses, I even saw the truth of no-self. There was an "autocorrect" turned on in my life; good habits, like studying regularly and not wasting time on meaningless things, formed naturally, while bad habits, like worrying about the quality of my writing and overeating, started to dissolve. This did not last; a month or so after I began to experience life this way, this state, for lack of a better word, started to recede. I tried to grasp at it; I went vegan, thinking it was a diet issue. It just continued to escape, though. I ramped up my practice, to no result. As it became more and more clear to me that I could never get it back, my life started to enter this downwards spiral; things that I had not done for years, like eating junk food and watching pornography, started to occur in rapid succession. I felt almost powerless to stop them. It's as if, having seen the power of mindfulness, I have lost entirely any faith in discipline or willpower. As these things happened, I started to have suicidal thoughts; stuff is terrible, so I might as well hit the exit button. 

My question is: is this a common experience? Is there hope for a recovery? What are the causes and the cures? 

Also, if you see this, thank you Leo. You've been a true inspiration, 

[ajasatya]

@Hard_Agent Truth comes into play through a vulnerability in the ego.

when we're starting our journey, we see ourselves as true beginners. the world is a great master.
but then, as we learn and build confidence, we tend to lose the beginner's mind and everything starts to fall apart.

you need to let go of everything every night and start fresh every morning. the eternal beginner has the true heart of zen.

be humble in your heart and empty in your mind.

[Leo Gura]

@Hard_Agent Classic ego backlash. Pretty much guaranteed to happen many times along this path.

Nothing to worry about. Keep calm and carry on. Things will get better. You haven't lost anything. You're still in the process of waking up.

Be happy you got a glimpse of what's possible with this work.

[Joseph Maynor]

Start to work on Enlightenment more.  Get into Leo's videos on Enlightenment.  It takes a lot of work.  Get involved on here and ask lots of questions.  Grab the bull by the horns and make it a goal to learn about Enlightenment.

Edited November 19, 2017 by Joseph Maynor

[Space]

@Hard_Agent Just keep practising!

Edited November 19, 2017 by Space

[Serge]

@Hard_Agent I've experienced almost EXACTLY what you did. From God to Devil. And when it happened the first time I was feeling too that everything collapses and I was trying hard to keep the shit together. The worst thing possible. Dont try hard to do anything to it. Let it be. In fact, the more you're trying to "get back in that state" - the worse you're doing.

As Leo said, it will most probably happen again and again. You're just scared now, because it's your first time. 

For me, it works in the following way:

1. I get depressed and that "God state" fades away.

2. I become unconscious about it and try hard to return.

3. I wake up and realize that my depression = unconsciousness.

4. I let stuff be.

5. My consciousness raises back step by step and before I know it I'm back in the "God state" (usually every time it's crazier and crazier).

6. Some stuff that the "old me"  has experienced happens (i.e. I meet an old friend or re-experience something I did in the past [before self-actualization]) and I unconsciously start getting in my old patterns and gradually become depressed.

7. = 1.

And so it goes ! As my first "awakening" happened about 50 days ago, as I recall, this cycle repeats itself, in average, every week. I don't know how long it's going to last in the future, but everytime I get depressed I learn something new and I can feel my consciousness expanding.

So don't worry, it's PERFECTLY NORMAL. You just have to teach yourself to let your depression be and realize that it's just you being on autopilot, unconsciously running on your old patterns. Don't become scared of suicidal thoughts. I think of them as my friends now! Although they used to scare the shit out of me.

Also, it's not "pseudo-nirvana". It is, as Leo would phrase it, a 0.000001% taste of what's possible .

Edited November 19, 2017 by Serge

[Nahm]

@Hard_Agent sometimes we’re drivin, and sometimes we’re enjoying the ride. In hindsight, this will seem more like purging, clearing out. Part of the overall process. You’re headed in the right direction. Abe Hicks uses the term ‘ be in receiving mode’. She says we are 90% asking and 10% receiving, and we were meant to be asking 10% of the time and receiving 90% of the time. Those big pops of awesomeness come quicker in the beginning, making it hard to chill, but man, keep going, stay the course. I can relate to every word you said, but if you stick to the practices and breathe through the tough parts, you’re in for a life of miracles. You’ve done so much already! Receive the benefits of your expansion!  Letting go is an art, and for what it’s worth - the baseline or default state DOES ELEVATE. It’s an experience for only those who stick to the practices for the sake of the practices - and make it through the ups and downs. 

[Hard_Agent]

Thank you, all of you. This has been a great help. It's the first time I used this forum; it's a wonderful thing. 

[Nahm]

30 minutes ago, Hard_Agent said:

Thank you, all of you. This has been a great help. It's the first time I used this forum; it's a wonderful thing. 

That!!!!!! ❤️❣️