Trip Reports Mega-thread

[Adrian colby]

 

[Lord Kadaver]

 

[LambdaDelta]

A rather old trip report, from nearly 2 years ago. Pretty powerful nonetheless; I'll throw it in here as to not pollute the thread I'm referencing it in with a wall of text. 

Quote

120mg 2C-B experience report.

I put the deleted Actualized.org Solipsism video as "background score" and proceeded with my trip.

This is sort of a live report, picking up from around a third into the experience.
It is pointless to try to put everything I've experienced into words, but I'll try regardless, for its own sake.

First, I faced my fears, powerful ones, all the way from childhood, about being eaten alive by giant snakes and whatnot (consequence of watching too many horror movies). I accepted the outcome and realized that I am the snake. The subject and object blend together, therefore, what is there to fear? There's no substance to it. After all, why would I fear myself?

Then I accepted myself as all the serial killers and whatever other depravities you might imagine, accepted enjoying it.

Then I got hungry (which of course is part of the illusion, there's no actual hunger, nor is there a need to survive something, which that hunger instinct is supposed to help with), I accepted that I am also the fried fish guts on my plate, and ate that.

Then, I checked how solid the illusion is. Biting my hand with all my force, and feeling intense pain as a result, told me two paradoxical things. First, that there's nothing at all to pain in the sense that it wasn't some objective property of reality, it was just perception. The resulting marks quickly disappeared in the following minutes after my focus shifted elsewhere. A supernatural self-healing power? If it's not in the field of my direct experience, it's not real. Quite like how the textures in a videogame are only rendered as the player approaches them.
But second, at the same time there's nothing more real than pain, in the sense that it was all that was real in that moment. And by real I mean what I was experiencing, they're one and the same. 

I also realized the necessity of self-deception, all the mechanisms behind it. How it's designed to keep me engaged, bought into this reality.

The solution to the problem of whether I should kill myself became obvious. I could, as there's nothing to stop me, but what purpose would that serve? It would be like spitting into my own hand, which so gracefully extended me this masterfully crafted illusion for my own joy.

Then I realized my complete self-referential and self-defining nature, as Yahweh, "I am that I am", the Alpha and the Omega.
My birth really was the immaculate conception in the truest sense, and all the religious notions of it that stemmed after are nice metaphors.

What else is there, besides everything, left to say? The realization of the illusion of other minds was rather obvious at this point, and thanks to my deeply introverted nature (go figure), I was able to accept it without any sort of emotional pain. My parents and everyone else as part of my own Self, well ain't that great news, it truly is Love taken to its absolute point. Before this moment I did not understand the notion of Love, thinking of it as some external quality, which it is not, it's simply my own nature.
I realize that I am all the majorities and minorities. The whites, the blacks, the Asians. The straights and the gays and everything in-between. The animals, the aliens, the roads, the plants, the stars. Ultimately all of these are one and the same, adding a true meaning to equality. 

Following upon this thread, it became apparent how Truth, which is just that which is, is physically dangerous, as it must be in the boundaries of this illusion I constructed for myself. 
Yes, knowing that there's nothing to killing myself or others is dangerous knowledge. 
I contemplated killing some people. I already am all the serial killers, so what's a few more? But I ask, to what end? I already had those experiences, whatever joys and pains they had alongside them. 
So in my "future" experiences I just decided to be nice to "other people", who are nothing other than myself, for no other reason than I can. That's Goodness and Morality. Everything else is constructs within the illusion, just a part of it keeping it "real", which I've always been intuitively aware of.

Having fully understood and marveled at my creation, I consciously choose to keep engaging in this dream, forgetting the precise mechanics behind it (so I won't be able to put 10 million dollars in my bank account the next morning. I of course could, but that'd be cheating. There's no point in cheating against myself.).
But the emotional part of the experience that is absolutely beyond any language and expression will stay with me for all eternity, a tiny part of it expressed in this writing. Some slivers of wisdom I'm leaving to myself to guide me along the way.

Putting all this into words is difficult and meaningless, yet I still try, for no other reason than trying itself.
The self-reference is so dense I'm melting and collapsing into it. It's beautiful. Brings me to tears. All the infinite layers to the illusion for me to endlessly peel away at, for my own entertainment. What more could I ask for?
Yes, the illusion gets mundane and unpleasant and nasty at times. But that's part of the beauty. 
The entire reason to even have this illusion is so that I can experience all the dualities that stem from it, which is something that's not possible at the absolute oneness layer, my highest nature. What's possible and not possible are of course defined by myself, but that's one meta-weakness in myself that I allow, the paradoxical weakness of not being able to have dualities in the unity domain.

My intuitive disdain for lies, deceit, manipulation became all the more clear. All of these are in essence "crimes" against myself. Yet at the same time I'm all the liars, cheaters, and frauds of the world, the most important fraud of them all being this very illusion. Ah, how hypocritical of me. 
I always disliked conflict. At least engaging in it, watching could be fun at times. I'm conflicted. What a mindfuck. 

As I'm typing this, having spent the past hour or so on it, I'm contemplating deleting this note, popping a benzo and hitting the hay. I leave that possibility open. I'll be happy with whatever the outcome is. How else could it be? I'm the one defining all the values.
It's an enhancement layer to the sense of radical responsibility. Whatever the outcome may be, I'm the one who defined and decided it, so I can't complain, can I?

Got hungry again, let me take a small break and eat myself, be right back.

I'll start the entire video from the beginning. That might take some time. Let's see if there's any more insights I can spot for myself.
Starting to come down so the next insights will be pretty raw, not articulated well enough.
Thus I'll be keeping the rest of the notes private, though that ultimately just means keeping it from myself.

There's further truths to realize, but having this as a foundation and a direction for future awakenings is invaluable.

The End?

 

Edited 20 hours ago by LambdaDelta