Should Kids Be Raised In Families?

[Aidan]

Leos recent video about raising the rockstar kids was great. In the final part of it he said that he himself is unsure whether he wants to have kids or not. This is because children either follow and embody the influence of their parents or react against it. Both reactions are often neurotic. Apparently, the problem lies in social conditioning and institutions. I wonder if family is to blame.

On one hand, the institution of family just as the institution of marriage is simply a social concept and therefore could be questioned. On the other hand, having family is a human evolutionary instinct with mother and father of a kid coming together to raise her/him.

Osho said that the marriage is a source of most of human suffering and children should grow up in the commune. He sees family almost as a root cause of all duality in the world. I have not found any opinions of other enlightened people such as Leo or Eckhart Tolle on that matter. What do you think?

[Markus]

Family is probably the healthiest way. Osho's statement sounds like bullshit to me. Yes, people suffer in marriage but that doesn't mean marriage is the source of suffering. And communes are fucked up too, not just marriages. Raising kids can go wrong regardless of the best intentions or circumstances. 

[ajasatya]

this is too complex. but long story made short, marriages and families can be sources of deep happiness and health if the parents are truly aligned with Truth and human prosperity.

this is an example. pay attention to the way that he treats his sons. he's also super affectionate with his wife. he plants his own healthy food to feed his family. and he's not even rich. just a regular dude.

the question is: are you willing to transform yourself and become a tender/soft/loving human being? if that's not the case, your marriage will be HELL and your children will suffer IMMENSELY.

[Aidan]

Here is what Osho said about families:

http://www.osho.com/read/osho/vision/the-greatest-challenge-the-golden-future/families-are-out-of-date

A year or two ago I would have dissmissed statements like: " And with the family disappearing, nations will disappear, because the family is the unit of the nation" as insane. However now I understand that he sees  a family and a nation as lines of separation. 

[pluto]

 

[Epiphany_Inspired]

@Aidan I'd like to know the answer to this too! I've been a single mom for a couple of years now, it's still a family....but I feel absolutely no desire to go find a "dependable dad" like Leo mentioned...wading through the trenches of chimpy-guys doesn't really seem worth the effort...lol....Re Osho's concept: I recently began to feel that living in more of a village/close-creative-community will be very beneficial...I've heard of an ancient culture where the children were raised by other individuals (not the parents)...maybe that helps with attachment issues or something...but it is scientifically and spiritually proven that the bonds between parents and children greatly benefit healthy development in all areas...if you can add a supportive/ awesome village to that as well, it's likely even better!

There were a few things about the video that really upset me...the worst one... is that I already made the worst mistake...not realizing how chimpy my daughters father was until it was too late...even separated, I can never really be free of his chimpy-bullshit because of the child. I really struggled with Leo's suggestions...I've tried all of the methods mentioned to have an amicable split, and to avoid toxicity...but the other party wouldn't accept it, hurled toxicity like chimp-poop, etc...I have to deal with him weekly, and with re-programming his chimpy-influences , bad food, crappy culture etc for my daughters long-term evolution...I just feel like I have to work twice as hard....do you think the "commune" setting will be enough to help counter it? ideas?

I loved all of the better than toys ideas sooooooo much! ...but I don't think toys/ dolls are all bad...my daughter makes meditation rooms in her dollhouse, learns social skills, and really uses her imagination with her toys. As an outsider, I often get glimpses into her inner emotional and mental worlds through her play with dolls too...that said....more ipad-child guilt for me (not even drawing and music apps?)...I will try again to minimize it more...at least I am loving, I would never use love as a tactic or take it away, and I am clear that even when certain behaviour is a problem it does not effect my love, etc....but I'm far from perfect...all of those things Leo mentioned (that create neurosis in children) were all done to me by my father...I will make every effort to avoid that again! Sending love and support to all parents...glad I can be one of Leo's many, many whinny little kids...lol.....

[vizual]

I think the best environment for kids to grow up is an environment which offers a balance between structured stability and creative freedom.

When you look at families that are over structured and rigid. You know, those extreme religious families with very strict rules. That kind of extreme structure can make kids extremely rigid and closed-minded themselves. Or they sway to the other side of the pendulum and become these out of control drug addicts who party all the time because they are trying to break free from their suffocating past. 

On the other hand. A family with no boundaries at all also isn't a good environment imo. Imagine a typical hippy family where anything goes. The kids can do whatever they want etc. These kids might be happy on the surface. But there's a lot of shit going on internally because they long or some structure and meaning in their lives. Something to hold onto. (Check out the movie Tillsammans(2000)).

But for this to work the parents have to be loving. You can't forve these concepts as a child-raising formula. I think it is the nature of the human being to find a balance between structure and creative expression. The one can't be without the other. Just like the conservatives need the liberals, and vice versa.

[Aidan]

5 hours ago, Epiphany_Inspired said:

Re Osho's concept: I recently began to feel that living in more of a village/close-creative-community will be very beneficial...

I guess Osho was talking about communes of some enlightened people. Otherwise all sorts of negative scenarios of interactions with other people that could harm the immature psyche of a child come to mind. I was thinking more about what family is and its future and I am not sure whether living in a commune is something that should be recommended to the modern day society.    

[Emerald]

I don't necessarily think a commune is necessary. But one thing that has been mostly lost in the modern era is the level of connectedness that people once had in a tribal living. Almost everyone in the tribe (except for maybe daughters who were marrying men from neighboring tribes) were going to be there for their entire lives. So, you could make really deep connections and you never had to worry about being separated from family or friends. So, there was an inter-connectedness that people had then, that we don't have now. People move around all the time and they tend to live a segregated life from all other people. I suppose a commune could be a potential solution to that. But it's fairly extreme.

But there is also a lot of bad that can come from communal living if every adult raises every child. And there are tons of horror stories that come from present-day adults who were raised in communes. First off, I think that children need one or two primary care-givers. They need to feel like they have A parent or two. I don't think the "many parents" idea works for kids. Also, it's difficult to care deeply for hundreds of kids. You probably won't be able to give them all your attention. You might go days without a meaningful interaction with a number of your children. I also think that there's a much higher likelihood that a child will be exposed to predators. Because if every adult raises every child and 5% of the population are pedophiles, then there's going to be a huge problem.

Also, it's hard enough for two parents to come to a consensus about what's right for a child. So, decision making would either be bureaucratic or unfair where certain adult members of the commune would get all the say in how children are raised.

Plus, I find that living in a family comes fairly naturally. We didn't really have to force it to go in that direction. It just came naturally.

So, I think the level of separation in society is fairly negative. We should live a more integrated life where we are in closer communication with others who live outside of our homes. But communal living feels like it would really open up many more cans of worms. Also, it could open up new prejudices if we take the identity of the communes too seriously and we can end up with more separation that is intended.

[Annie]

@Aidan  Children should be raised by both mother and father together.

[BobbyLowell]

YES BECAUSE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE MAKES THEM ABLE TO HAVE GOOD LIVES AND IS SO SO SO SO SO AMAZING AND IMPORTANT

[BobbyLowell]

LOVE IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN MY OPINION