How To Control Pride?

[hinawashi]

Sorry I'm asking for advice again.

I've been thinking over this problem for a few weeks now and I still haven't found a good solution for it. What I found is that I always have this need to prove that I'm better than others, and I've been trying to repress it. But that leads to a lot of self-sabotage behavior, like putting on a humble attitude but really afraid that I'm going to show my prideful side in front of others. I want to help others but I'm afraid that people might think of it as me being prideful, for example. I think that's one of the reasons I often avoid social interaction even though I'm an extroverted individual.

When I'm meditating I realized that deep down inside that's actually a weakness. I've been running away from this problem by repressing and now I have nowhere to run.

Sometimes I regret taking on the journey of self-development because the more I meditate the more I find myself disgusting, filled with pride, anger, jealousy and hypocrisy. I really wish I can just forget about all this and return to being a reptilian, or an ape, whatever you call it.

I don't know what to do. I'm really looking for a way to control my pride without having to repress it, or maybe there's a solution to just quit repressing altogether. I really have no clue on this. Please help!

 

[Visitor]

It is very difficult, for some, including me, to control pride. Sometimes one has to be aware of their own pride wanting to exploit itself before realizing that they really do not need to do that to be okay. Other times, one may become aware that they are about to enter the arena for pride, such as a gathering of friends at the cafe'. In this case, they may keep quiet until asked to speak.

The best way to keep pride in place is to be aware of its truth. That one's ego will always seek validation to stay in the picture (to be seen). It takes a knack to be seen, yet not to be seen. That is, to be seen but not noticed.

Seeing other people propping up their pride can be used as a reminder to not do the same.

Ask yourself what changes in you when the need for exploiting your pride arises. Visualize what that feeling, or behaviour is in terms of something easy for you to identify. Have this image imprinted in your mind. Then when the need to be proud arises that image comes to mind, and then you will be reminded to settle back down to that calm humble self.

For me it is a rise of urgency, a shift in rising posture and a larger draw of breath. As if getting ready to interject myself into the picture.

 

[Spiral]

If you need to prove yourself to others you most likely lack in self-confidence, deep down you feel like your not enought and that you have to prove to others that your are. If this behavior is started by doing spiritual practices or it's revealed by it, don't regret going on this journey it simply reveals more about who you are and what you need to work on. 

Don't beat yourself up about it, it will pass eventually. I find that listening is better then talking, you get almost nothing from talking, by listening you can learn things and you can experience others feelings and stories, best of all you can't be prideful if you don't talk. Am i saying you should not talk at all? no of course not but you can limit it and think about what you want to say, a few seconds in advance.

Although I think this is very very common, I was quite arrogant before starting this journey, that turned into smugness and now will a feeling of having superior knowledge about life compered to those around me. The latter is not shown to others, as the need to prove myself or feeling that i'm more importerat is no longer a thing.

Instead if someone is really happy to get wasted or finds that food to be the best thing in life, I struggle to find common ground with them and I find myself pitying them, having a need to "help". Of course i know there is very little i could do and that they don't want my help. So instead i try to bring the conversation elsewhere. This is not optimal and I would prefer to simply obtain an acceptance for how so many of us are and no longer feel pity and wanting to help them unless asked.

[hinawashi]

@Visitor What I'm doing right now is to quietly observe myself from another perspective. It's a big leap of faith because my ego doesn't want to let go of its own perspective. I think it's a good idea to just observe for now and don't try to correct it.

@Spiral Yes, I do lack confidence in some areas and I really have this need for validation from others. But right now I'm practicing the detachment technique and that helps separates me from my prideful ego. Instead of focusing on the results of my actions, I simply detach the results and focus on the present moment.

[JustinS]

On 7/13/2017 at 10:54 PM, hinawashi said:

Sometimes I regret taking on the journey of self-development because the more I meditate the more I find myself disgusting, filled with pride, anger, jealousy and hypocrisy.

As my awareness gets sharper and sharper I am also becoming more and more aware of these things. And so with awareness alone it can be curative. 

 

Try signing up for a 10 day Vipassana meditation retreat and see how much of this you can purge out and slowly peel away from your mind. 

[hinawashi]

@JustinS Thanks for the video.

Yes I've done a 10-day meditation retreat two months before. During the retreat it felt wonderful and I've managed to let everything go, but not long after returning to the "mortal world" my problems started flaring up again.

I guess it's up to me to sharpen my awareness even more.

[JustinS]

@hinawashi Oh great! Keep at it. Expect loads and loads of backlashes but during these it is so important to be aware. When feeling pride in a discussion, just be aware. How does it make you feel? A bit of good? Does it last? How does it make the other person feel? Can you see them as they are, just existing? Don't repress but just maintain awareness of how it really makes you feel before, during and after. Eventually you will come to the conclusion that it doesn't serve you anymore cause it makes you feel icky inside. 

So critical for me to keep up with my daily meditation practice although I know it's nothing compared to a retreat but I see it as a good bridge or maintenance til my next retreat or psychedelic journey. To have that inner strength to give it that extra push, concentration, or even surrender to really see things as they are. 

[hinawashi]

@JustinS I'll definitely maintain my habit of keeping myself aware. It's hard but I know it'll be very rewarding in the end.

[TimStr]

@hinawashi

In my opinion, the most practical solution to pride is humor. 

If you are able to laugh about your own mistakes, flaws, your perfectionism and your work and success, you simply can not develope attachment to these things. The degree of which you can laugh about all these is the degree to which you are detached of them. 

Humor is an increadibly accurate litmus test for ego. (Yes, I think that humor is greatly related to enlightenment, especially the detachment aspect of it.) You can't possibly express your pride about something an wholeheartedly laugh about it at the same time. And you can't maintain the behavior of having to prove, that you're better then others if you laugh about yourself together with them. It works great, especially in social situations. 

I challenge you to crack three jokes every day about some things you are proud of and/or serious about for one week straight. Even if it may feel artificial at first, you will feel a difference!

Edited July 16, 2017 by TimStr

[Arkandeus]

become proud of your humbleness
your pride is a power, it is your immense belief in yourself, use that power in the right ways

Edited July 16, 2017 by Arkandeus

[Dan Arnautu]

@hinawashi It is really hard to find a balance on this issue specifically.

I know because I used to brag all day everyday, a few years ago. Oddly enough, I was much more successful in my endeavors back then because when I projected that confidence outward and showed that I am more capable than others in certain situations, I got a lot of validation. Things were working my way and no one could "prove himself smarter or more capable than me".

Right know, I have just the opposite problem. Since I started to self-actualize and raise my consciousness, I tend to find a lot of faults within myself and the more I see those, the less of a need I have to judge others, even for the most seemingly evil behavior. I no longer brag or see the need to prove myself, to the point where people don't know how capable I actually am and usually assume that I may just be a kind of a weakling that does not like to speak up.

This humble behavior that I acquired is starting to hurt my day to day life because I am no longer seen as assertive - I tend not to speak about my grand projects or show off my abilities anymore because I do not feel the need to, because I think it is shallow. I only show them when it is necessary.

Right now I am reading a lot of books (things like The 48 Laws of Power  or Thick Face, Black Heart) in order to push the scale a little bit towards the other end because I have become too passive and "pleasing" to other people.

Not to ramble, the takeaway here is remember that it is very easy to push the scale towards the other extreme after starting to raise your consciousness. 

I believe that you should very carefully and CONSCIOUSLY find a middle ground, whatever that may be for you. Your mind will very easily push for the other extreme when you decide to make a change.

It's like those times when someone gets sick of binge eating everyday and decides not to eat for the following two weeks or something like that. Of course the problem will not be solved. It will just bring more suffering. A more sustainable way of dieting that can be integrated in day to day life needs to be found, not crash diets.

Edited July 18, 2017 by Dan Arnautu

[hinawashi]

@Dan Arnautu The way I see it, is simply not to go to extremes. I've been reading a lot of books lately on this issue and my own insight on this issue is that whenever I feel like I "have to" do something, then it's a red flag that I'm going towards one extreme or the other. If I have to show myself as capable that's too prideful, if I go to the other end then I'll just have to repress my pride all the time.

So right now I'm just pausing and evaluate my thoughts. It's slowing down everything but at least it's giving me more breathing room to be more conscious.