I Lost Hope And It Feels Quite Good?

[Kimasxi]

For many years I believed in self-development, hoping that when I become out-going, extrovert, funny, confident and of some value to people, then I will finally start having friends. And I think I was wrong.

Look, I felt like shit. Like an incredibly lonely shit. I could feel some connection with people like 15 minutes a day only? And now I have a realization.

I think now that this was my locked paradigm. That one needs to improve to get friends. I could not accept the thought that perhaps one has no power over getting friends.

Each time when someone became close to me I felt hope, and that hope was addictive. I used to spend hours in my head imagining conversations with people, problems to overcome, rewards for overcoming them, sex of course, my improved self that has many friends, how much it will change my life and so on. Often that was the only thing I did on the weekend (ADDICTION!!!! and constant living in the past and future).

But then my expectations were ALWAYS SHATTERED. And I had so many negative feelings: "it's not fair, cause others are liked even though they do not strive so much as me", "I am a victim", "there is something wrong with me cause I have no success", "I´m 27, it will be more and more difficult" "I am afraid of the future" "I am powerless" etc. — and these are all symptoms of what Eckhart Tolle calls not accepting the now. 

2 days ago I experienced a rejection again, and this time instead of feeling sorry and depressed
I felt angry and disgusted
at my positive feelings who deceived me and at people who made me believe that these feelings are right and the way to happiness.

I must tell you that since I started believing that connection, hope, trust, affection lead to suffering (and I made an enemy of these feelings)
my loneliness does not hurt me almost at all. And it's strange, I feel like I don't have to change anything in my life, no more striving, no more hoping, my life does not have purpose, I am tired of people, and I don't want to socialize with them because they may infect me with the hope disease again. I believe you will try to sell me that positive disease here on this forum, but I want to know if this is getting me closer to enlightenment. 

[ajasatya]

@Kimasxi the suffering you're experiencing is teaching you to live without expectations. it hurts because of your attachments. let go of the entire armor.

it does hurt. that's how we differentiate between real work and mental masturbation.

yes, it's getting you closer to enlightenment.

Edited July 14, 2017 by ajasatya

[Kimasxi]

Is this it? I thought I would feel content, not angry or apathetic. I think I am not there yet.

[Spiral]

Not needing others, but being appreciative of other who wants to spend their time with you, is the best approach to friendships and relationships. In my experience: luck is almost the biggest factor, you make one friend, you become happier and less "needy" and make more friends so even you lose that first one at least you have some others so that you can relax and don't have to suffer like this.

What you are going through can also be channeled into something positive, by feeling lonely you will become more appreciative of other who speak to you, with the right technique you can give them something unique. By giving people the feeling that you truly listen and care, they will start to really appropriate talking to you, because it's really uncommon. So how do you show them this?

• Holding strong eye contact when something is talking, so much that it's feels awkward even.
• Put your head at an slight angle when listening.

[ajasatya]

7 hours ago, Kimasxi said:

Is this it? I thought I would feel content, not angry or apathetic. I think I am not there yet.

take some time to yourself, close your eyes and try to find that anger/apathy within your body. try to reach its source.

relax each part of your body that you target with your attention.

if you get in touch with that pain, stay with it and breath deeply. do it until you master the level of mindfulness to practice anytime, anywhere.

[Vladimir]

@Kimasxi If people knew the value and true meaning of the word "solitude", everyone would be cultivating it instead of chasing friendships, relationships, love and support from other people. Coming from a place of egoic neediness, all these pursuits become addictions and cause great suffering. Imagine getting to a place where you're truly feeling content on your own, not needing anybody to make you feel better or support you, I know this may sound impossible now and you may have thoughts like: "so should I just accept my misery and loneliness?", that's where the difference between loneliness and solitude comes in which are the opposites of each other. And when you have truly cultivated solitude, making authentic friendships will come naturally, and this time they will be true friendships, not surface level fake friends feeding their neediness off each other.

[aurum]

@Kimasxi

What's going to happen is you're going to keep crashing and burning until you let go of needing this.

Neediness does not attract people. It repeals them.

Once you let go, you'll probably start seeing a slow shift in the way you get along with people

[Kimasxi]

19 hours ago, Vladimir said:

@Kimasxi If people knew the value and true meaning of the word "solitude", everyone would be cultivating it instead of chasing friendships, relationships, love and support from other people. Coming from a place of egoic neediness, all these pursuits become addictions and cause great suffering. Imagine getting to a place where you're truly feeling content on your own, not needing anybody to make you feel better or support you, I know this may sound impossible now and you may have thoughts like: "so should I just accept my misery and loneliness?", that's where the difference between loneliness and solitude comes in which are the opposites of each other. And when you have truly cultivated solitude, making authentic friendships will come naturally, and this time they will be true friendships, not surface level fake friends feeding their neediness off each other.

I actually DO understand you. :-) This is exactly what I thought a week ago: if one were a castaway on a deserted island, all his/her problem would be finally gone (no people to compare your history with, no goals to strive for etc.). I experienced 3,5 days of that kind of acceptance some month ago. It was a paradigm shift for me, I stopped judging myself and believe in good and evil, and I was so tired of judging and raking up the past that any comment from other people that was jugdmental repelled me. As if I wanted to be in denial of judgment. And I was disappointed that my hobby wasnt getting me friends that I deeply believed I'd get from it, and I had these thoughts  "so should I just accept my misery and loneliness?" and I said "Yeah, fuck it" then. Then that guy appeared and messed up my mind again so I lost it. 

And you know what guys, today I feel all right. :-)
I had to vent it out with people and feel they support me. (I can't believe why it works so well now. It didn't use to work)

When 2 years ago I was rejected I had been suffering from it for 8 months. Something's changed cause now I tend to suffer for only several days. I believe having read the books recommended by RSD helped me a lot by challenging some of my beliefs. I´m reading the Power of Now at the moment, and the last book I read was Letting Go: the Path of Surrender, and before Radical Honesty and How I Became Free in an Unfree World. 

The only thing I can't handle is when the "threat" is happening now, when I am in front of the person triggering my pain body. I can handle shit at home, but not when I´m right there fighting with someone.

[Kimasxi]

22 hours ago, ajasatya said:

take some time to yourself, close your eyes and try to find that anger/apathy within your body. try to reach its source.

relax each part of your body that you target with your attention.

if you get in touch with that pain, stay with it and breath deeply. do it until you master the level of mindfulness to practice anytime, anywhere.

this is exactly what "the Power of Now" and "Letting Go: the Path of Surrender" teach doing. :-)