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About Kimasxi

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    Wrocław, Poland
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  1. To me it is not weird. There is logic behind it. The guy wants to be "good", and his ego says that the "good" person has XYZ features, among other being popular. So what he did, he put the popularity on the pedestal, and as he wants to suppress the unpopularity (he doesn't want to have anything in common with it) he despises that feature in other people. He would need to find some good/useful qualities in that feature to moderate his judgemental reaction to it.
  2. There are several places we could bite this topic at… First of all, because of social conditioning you believe that unless you meet some high standard of being cool and having many friends, there is something wrong with you and because of this you're doomed to feel lonely. 1. Fuck this standard. It's not YOURS. You bought into some bullies frame. This frame is an illusion. Don't judge yourself as a loser. This frame exists only for you to either feel like a loser or oppose it and overcompensate. Don't buy into it at all. Notice that though it was invented by your peers, now it is you who put that frame on yourself and buys into it. 2. You need to have a hard closer mindset. Move your ass and be more proactive. Notice that you are not focusing on what else you can do to "close the deal" but instead on the things that do not work. If you were a salesman you wouldn't brood over it that much because it is a waste of time, during which you could create / avail of other opportunities instead. You have a victim mentality. You want others to come to you and do stuff for you. You believe they should because you've been trying so hard so they should appreciate it. They won't. They are free people and they don't like when someone is trying to limit their autonomy in any way. This mindest is very limiting. Imagine that you have been tricked into believing that licking these people ass will make them like you and in reality it has never worked this way. And then change your attitude: fuck the people you want to be your friends and… 3. Make friends with strangers. It's a very practical life skill. You need to learn how to have fun at the moment when there is just you and the other person. Watch pick up videos to get some ideas. Look, there is another thing to it too. People like commonalities, which is unfortunately some boring mainstream shit. You like self-actualization. Guess what. You are too different, they will not be able to relate to the stuff you like. Thus, there will always be that problem where you do not fit the group. But if you conform to their standards of what's ok, guess what, they will drag you down, you will spend time with guys who are not ambicious, watch and believe clichés and mainstream propaganda, negative thinking, ego games etc. You will be better off if you let go of that need to be 100% accepted by the group. Be like a freelancer who temporarily joins forces with the group to have fun but is never one of the group. No, you don't have to maintain any politically correct picture (it's not yours, it's invented by them so they control the frame and you are easy to be manipulated as long as you buy into it. this is not attractive/powerful/sexy). Whenever you choose to play it cool while a part of you suffers, you litteraly spit in the face of that little child part of you telling it that some fuckers are more important, and you are going to walk over it to please them instead. You can start liberating yourself by practising honesty. There is a frame right now that does not allow you to confess you feel lonely out of fear that someone /you will judge it as not cool. This frame will always stifle you. Your goal is to be able to say "I feel lonely" and not to give a fuck about how the group reacts to it. This will actually make you stronger, and it may attract some people who want to excersise their nurturing side (as some people also want to feel important and good to validate their ego). It is your frame working. To prove you that you do not need friends to be happy do something like watching a movie, taking a bath etc. and when you forget all that stuff about not having friends and you feel relaxed, NOTICE IT. If you can feel happy then, it means that you actually do not need friends. It's just that you make that judging frame that puts you back into the bad mood. Each frame is an illusion, a self-hypnosis.
  3. I don't know yet cause I haven't been triggered since I got this, but it may be more difficult to deactivate some strong negative frames when they happen. I noticed though that it is easy to do when you are in a non-threatening environment, with emotions that are positive. When you listen to you the music that moves you, you may just decide to observe how you want to get emotional and then decide you're not buying into this frame, and just relax your face and become indifferent. As a form of practise. I tried to observe this way a frame of buying crisps - I had an automatical pattern of thoughts - I saw a pack of crisps → I immediately imagined their taste and the way they make me feel when I eat them at home while watching someting. And I tried to stop their frame, by actually noticing there is no smell or taste yet, that it was just a frame. I still decided to buy them and eat them. What is important is to notice that there are actually decisions. Leo made a video once about observing habits, where he recommended mindfulness too.
  4. Hey, guys! Everyone enlightened probably has his metaphore that convinced him to see stuff in a different light. So, here's mine… Imagine a bully telling another kid such a sentence to make him upset: — You are fat and ugly. The bully has set the frame. It presuposes two roles: A) the kid agrees with the bully and because he believes being fat and ugly has negative repercussions (he is unlovable etc.) he starts feeling negative emotions. B) the kid doesn't want it to be true by any chance so he feels compulsion to prove he's not ugly or fat (yet he's still in the bully's frame) What the kid should do instead is not to buy into the frame at all, and for example impose his own frame, like saying some totally illogical nonsense as a response (the new frame is now "everything is said here does not really mean anything"). You can see some examples of frame battles here: The point is: what is the difference between the kid's buying into the bully's frame and your standing in front of the mirror and telling yourself "I am fat" ? Basically, we are constantly selling ourselves on our negative frames, which we fall into without any questioning. It's a game! It has two roles, if you decide to play the game you must play one of the roles. No surprise you feel negative! But it is your decision to feel negative. Why can't we see it? Because it's like a programmable washing machine. You only have control at the beginning when the frame is being created by your mind. Once programmed, you cannot stop the machine. Yet all the advice always draws our attention to the moment when the machine is already operating and the advice sounds as if we had to use will power to stop the emotions. It seems impossible then! But it's a choice many steps earlier. So we are playing many games we create for ourselves: plays of "shoulds", plays of "prove it!", "save me!", but also "good parent", "passion", "business" etc. (actually, let's create a list of examples and let's name them!). But why do we create them in the first place? My realization today was that I created many "problems" cause otherwise I would be really fuckin bored! For example I wanted to have a goal to achieve so that I could feel proud I have overcome some obstacles. I wanted to be my superhero. So I set a standard for myself that was incredibly difficult to meet, so then I was miserable for falling short of my expectations. But if I didn't have that goal, my life wouldn't have any meaning… We like feeling certain emotions but life is mundane and boring, so we accentuate certain things to elicit stronger emotions, just like when we listen to a moving music and we want to enhance the emotional impact it has on us by adding more meaning, more associations, memories to the music. I think that once the machine is going, we can only reframe what is happening (which is difficult cause we get addicted to thoughts and emotions). First we need to recognize the frame, so now our daily practise should be recognizing and naming as many frames as possible. Let's start a list of frames and break them down. SHOULD / SHOULDN'T Whenever I hear "should" or "shouldn't" let the frame alert go off. There is no such thing as "I should" or "I shouldn't". Each time you hear it, ask yourself these questions: — By who's standards (and what that person is going to get if you meet them) — Does meeting these standards benefit me too, or only the other person? — Is there any threat behind not meeting these standards? Am I being manipulated / controlled / blackmailed? — Is there any other way I can get the same reward from buying into the frame? And perhaps some more. If you have any ideas, please share and I will add them to these three.
  5. D. Goleman said in either Emotional Intelligence or Social Intelligence that when you have an emotional hijack, i.e. your amygdala goes into the fight-or-flight state and your heartrate rises significantly, you need to ask the person for a couple of minutes for yourself to cool down, and it may take more than once during an argument. The rule of thumb is you don't want to argue when your heart rate is high. You may consider using other forms of communication, when it happens. You need to let go some things that are very important to your ego. You need to do it outside the argument. I think the book "Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender" as well as Teal's judgement exercise may help you I don't know the details but you get hurt or offended because you want to protect your ego, because some actions or words have some meanings about you attached, and for example you don't want to be the one treated unfair because it means you have no competence to ensure you are safe so it means mistreatment will happen again or that you social status is low etc. You can watch this video too: And then the one titled "How to change a belief". Your amygdala will be triggered whenever one of these 5 things happens: • your social status is threatened • you think you are being treated unjustly • a relationship is threatened • your autonomy is limited or you feel you are loosing control • you are uncertain Check which one is integrated into your troublesome beliefs
  6. 1. Start telling people the truth you are afraid of voicing. You will see people accept it. It will make you care a bit less about that aspect of you that ruins your self-esteem. 2. Yes, you should stop searching for the love you perceive as love right now. You cannot make a big deal out of it, cause it stresses you out and sabotages you. And love as an external factor will not make you feel truly good enough.
  7. Omni is right. Quite recently I experienced 2 weeks of some kind of inner peace and relief from a similar stuff as you have. It's gone now, however. But it was like I decided that I've had enough, fuck it! I don't want to have a partner nor sex for the rest of my life, I give up the idea that I need these to have high self-esteem. And then I just completely focused on pleasing myself with movies, games, food etc. with the idea in mind that I don't have to do anything. You need to see how upbringing and culture fucks up your programming first. You are literally programmed to feel certain emotions only if some conditions are met. You need to understand how this programming doesn't really help you but sabotage you. Then focus on accepting these "bad sides of you" (what you lack, how "failure" you are etc.) and rebelling against the culture who has fucked you up. You must become your own authority in your eyes regarding what is right and what is not. So that you can now program yourself without someone else telling you what you are and what you should be/do. Also understand this: people will not appreciate you, and you cannot be special. They cannot appreciate YOU, because they don't see YOU. They have a picture of you in their minds. They can only appreciate some illusion of you that they have created in their minds (if you give them some hints that perhaps you really are like blablabla). If you want to feel special and important, you need to impress yourself when you overcome some challenges and cater to your narcissistic side
  8. I've learnt something strange and I wonder what it is. I got some grip on my painful emotions that appeared whenever I judged certain facts about myself. Usually I felt emotional pain, sorrow with an accompanying physical feeling of contraction in my chest. Now, I can somehow not cherish that pain so that is is gone after a moment, but you know what? Then I am in a good mood while feeling physical stabbing pain in my chest. What is that?
  9. oh, boy, I don't really remember cause I've been very rarely turned on in social situations (meaning that I could get horny but alone). I feel very subtle feelings in my body when I cuddle with him, they are far far away from being horny. And this is why in general when I make out with people I find it boring. It is always like that. I haven't experienced making out with someone to a point where I wanted to have sex with him. I think I was always horny only for guys who I believed were somehow exceptional, might give me that good sex I've never had and when it was uncertain I could get them (due to my shyness in expressing my feelings toward them; I kept a secret fantasy about them). Uncertainty always created a lot of tension, part of which became sexual (as it was a kind of teasing and longing for more). I am worried if it perhaps didn't became a fetish or something cause I don't feel any tension when I know someone wants me and there are no external (like social shaming) obstacles.
  10. Whenever I was attracted to someone I couldn't stand his eye contact. So I could never tell him my feelings. So they went to fuck a different girl who wasn't that inhibited. I train holding strong eye contact now so it never stands in my way again. I believe all people should train it because it conveys a kind of power + more people notice you, some of them smile at you etc.
  11. This is a very good piece of advice because when you say "I'm scared it migth be awkward" the person who decides (s)he will listen to you anyway then wants to be consistent with what (s)he's just promised you (tolerance, controlling emotions etc.), and at the same time it's easier for you to say it because you are given a social persmission to say it.
  12. I believe your perception of what "just sex" is has been skewed by some other beliefs. A psychologically healthy person doesn't see sex as "using" someone, but instead as of creating an experience for both parties, sharing. Maybe you held a belief that sex in a love relationship is superior to sex between people who do not love each other, and then you looked for arguments to feed the confirmation bias (pregnant women etc.), which all served to validate your ego. My point is that "just sex" does not do anything afterwards, as it totally depends on what people make it mean. You do not have to feel worse afterwards. Why? The mere fact that someone accepted you as a sexual partner means that there is a part of you that is acceptable, which for example can give hope to people with poor self-esteem, who believe they'll never be accepted thus won't receive affection etc. I believe many people might be elevated from a low spirit thanks to sex, start feeling more secure and then, if they are ready, start looking for something more meaningful.
  13. I did. It does not suffice (I experienced it many times with many guys). After some time I just get bored. We were cuddling and kissing topless on his bed. I am never in the mood in such a situation. I want to change it.
  14. There must have been something that made these women feel uncomfortable when you approached them. When you encounter a problem during an approach, your ego becomes defensive. It does it in either of the two ways: you get insecure, stifled and shy, or you overcompensate by being too bold, too aggressive, too "I don't give a fuck"-like, too rude etc. You should exercise accepting your vulnerability at that moment. And remember about reframes "I don't want to make you unconfortable but…" "You'll think I'm weird but…", "I was just kidding" etc. If you want to do direct approach consider the way that RSD Tyler once described as "being like a cute baby boy that just wants a cookie and cannot help it" You cannot get angry with that boy cause he's so adorable. To do it that way you must be fun. You cannot be desperate and pushy (you don't want to take, you want to give!). If you are fun, two things happen: you give value (fun) to women so they are more accepting of your company, you are not associated with any kind of threat. You must excerise observing women's reactions to know when to withdraw pressure when they get uncomfortable.