Shit tests and compliance

[Spiral]

@something_else I agree with you however that I do find shit tests rude, even if I don’t get flustered, frustrated or offended. 

[AION]

Answer to shit test is not always being sarcastic. You are not a clown. Sometimes it is just bouncing it back or amplify  or call her out on it. 

Edited 10 hours ago by AION

[AION]

1 hour ago, Someone here said:

What is shit test ?

It is when you shit on a strip and they test your shit. 

[Jirh]

1 hour ago, Someone here said:

What is shit test ?

It's when someone pushes your boundaries to test your desperation. It's a passive aggressive way of assessing your real values and valuing you. And it's often done unconsciously and by women to men. But most people do it all the time. It's a form of unhealthy negotiation.

[Someone here]

34 minutes ago, Jirh said:

It's when someone pushes your boundaries to test your desperation. It's a passive aggressive way of assessing your real values and valuing you. And it's often done unconsciously and by women to men. But most people do it all the time. It's a form of unhealthy negotiation.

So it’s a term insecure guys came up with ? Not something women do consciously?

[Jirh]

14 minutes ago, Someone here said:

So it’s a term insecure guys came up with ? Not something women do consciously?

No. It's a real phenomenon unrelated to insecurity. And whether it's done consciously or not does not diminish it or minimize its effects.

It would help to be aware of it when it's being done to you. That awareness is part of social skills.

[Someone here]

6 minutes ago, Jirh said:

And whether it's done consciously or not does not diminish it or minimize its effects.

How so? There’s a difference between a girl intentionally playing games or doing things to test your confidence and value, versus you simply overthinking the situation and it all being in your head as the guy.

 

[something_else]

12 minutes ago, Jirh said:

No. It's a real phenomenon unrelated to insecurity. And whether it's done consciously or not does not diminish it or minimize its effects.

It would help to be aware of it when it's being done to you.

I find it hard to tell where pickup theory draws the line between a “shit test” and:

1. Playful teasing
2. Rejection
3. Actually insulting you

I’ve experienced the first a lot, but that just seems like normal flirting. It also doesn’t really seem to be what people mean by a shit test. The second and third, though, often seem to get folded into the concept.

If a woman rejects me, I’m not going to keep pursuing because “she’s subconsciously testing me.” Even if that were true, I don’t want to engage with that kind of game when there are plenty of women who don’t do it.

Same with outright insults. Why interpret hostility as hidden interest when I can spend my time on women who are clearly interested and enjoyable to be around?

Quote

It's a real phenomenon unrelated to insecurity.

My theory is that “shit tests” mostly exist in the context of cold approach. Women understandably have a defensive response to random men approaching them while they're going about their day, and handling that response well can sometimes build attraction. But that makes the behaviour more a product of the way you’re meeting women than some pervasive female tendency.

I’ve never really experienced it at all meeting women through friends, parties, night clubs, or dating apps.

 

Edited 8 hours ago by something_else

[AION]

guys shit test each other too though...  

[Someone here]

@AION I think it’s an unnecessary concept for dating skills .

[Joseph Maynor]

This is a red flag for me.  I don't like the push and pull, hot and cold.  It is like someone is wobbling the relation.  I don't like to be messed with this way emotionally.

[Jirh]

1 hour ago, Someone here said:

How so? There’s a difference between a girl intentionally playing games or doing things to test your confidence and value, versus you simply overthinking the situation and it all being in your head as the guy.

Even if it's not intentional, it's usually driven by unconscious malice and selfishness on the expense of another. And that drive often points to a dark place inside the person doing it, like an unresolved trauma or an innate evil. It's like a lite version of trolling and bullying. Those who do it get a little enjoyment off of it. A huge red flag to watch out for.

Edited 7 hours ago by Jirh

[Jirh]

@something_else

I don't know a lot about pickup theory, but I know that shit tests are about power and leverage in a relationship. Something inside you feels off when it happens, even when you don't know that it's a test. Your boundaries being tested is not playful or innocent. Anyone with decency would respect your boundaries.

With shit tests, your subconscious recognizes it before your conscious mind does. At worst you feel confused, and at best offended (worst because you're unable to decipher the message, and best because it means you're able and the content of the message is not good).

And I agree with your approach. I think it's often a waste of time to engage in these games even if you're aware of them. But sometimes they're inevitable, like at work, so awareness is essential.

Edited 6 hours ago by Jirh

[Joseph Maynor]

3 minutes ago, Jirh said:

@something_else

shit tests are about power and leverage in a relationship.

This is it.  It is about leverage sometimes.  Not always.  

[PsychedelicEagle]

4 hours ago, Someone here said:

What is shit test ?

Shit tests are about the feminine trying to unground the masculine to see if it can.

[Someone here]

2 hours ago, Jirh said:

Even if it's not intentional, it's usually driven by unconscious malice and selfishness on the expense of another. And that drive often points to a dark place inside the person doing it, like an unresolved trauma or an innate evil. It's like a lite version of trolling and bullying. Those who do it get a little enjoyment off of it. A huge red flag to watch out for.

Then we agree , if I understand correctly.

1 hour ago, PsychedelicEagle said:

Shit tests are about the feminine trying to unground the masculine to see if it can.

I see. But I’m curious about who actually came up with the term “shit test,” and why is it called that? Where did the term even come from? And when people talk about women “shit testing” men, do they actually do it intentionally, or is it sometimes just something they do without really thinking about it?

 

Edited 5 hours ago by Someone here

[Jirh]

Generally there are two ways to deal with shit tests:

The first way is to engage with it and turn it around in the following steps:

1. Recognize it (i.e. This is not a normal or a playful behavior).
2. Understand the motivation behind it (i.e. What are they trying to do here?).
3. Stay calm (Don't get sucked into their frame. Maintain yours).
4. Re-interpret it playfully.

The second way is the nuclear way. You don't have capacity for nonsense and are ready to leave. If you're texting and she brings up some shit test, you just go offline until the next day and ignore the topic entirely. If she brings up the topic again or ask why you disappeared, you go offline again. If you're on a date and she tests, show annoyance and say "I am trying to have a good time". If she complies, good. If she escalates, you tell her "okay have a great day", and walk away.

Edited 4 hours ago by Jirh

[Joseph Maynor]

People are going to manipulate you when you are in relation.  You have to watch out for this.  

[Jirh]

@Joseph Maynor

Yes. Manipulation is an umbrella term for things like shit testing and drama invoking and others.

[Joseph Maynor]

I hate to say this but what I'm starting to realize is it is easier to blame your failures on someone else than realize you would have failed anyway without that excuse.