Assertiveness/Red development

[niko123]

Hey all. 

Over the past years I have noticed that my assertiveness is lacking. I went through therapy, set my goals, found my values - it has tremendously helped me to see reality as is, also in this endevor.

Lately one of my core values were harshly challanged (I am intentionally vauge here), and even though in the last years I grew alot, I still couldn't handle it and resorted to retreat. Like in Elden Ring, I thought I had what it takes to beat a boss, but I lost. 

I am treating this as an excellent growth opportunity and learning experience, to sharpen my assertiveness and learn how to use force when needed.

In spiral dynamics lingo, I could say my Red development is lacking and is not integrated well.

The thing is I don't know how to approach this behavior change well. Situations that are as challenging as the recent one are rare, and so they don't provide a repetition neccessary for changing a pattern.

I've come up with a few ways, and am executing them:

- keeping my word

- competetiveness in sports, going 110% when playing against someone

- challenging myself in the gym, going to failure, going past failure

 What other everyday habits, behaviors, challanges could I do, that could help me reprogram myself and integrate that Red? Am I approaching this well? 

 

 

 

 

[Joseph Maynor]

Make a daily to do list and check every single item off before you go to bed.

[niko123]

@Joseph Maynor Good idea. Will implement.

[Ulax]

Practice saying "No", and "I disagree" in conversation.

 

[PsychedelicEagle]

The key is:

1. Prioritize yourself;
2. Do not try to manipulate others' emotions — you are not responsible — let the chips fall where they may.

For people who learned to manipulate others' emotions early in life, this is usually hard word, but it can be done.

If you had a parental figure who used emotional manipulation to guide your behavior (e.g., "son, if you do this mom will be really sad") more than average, you likely have psychological patterns where you feel guilty if you can't match their expectations. For example: someone invites to go out; you don't want, yet you feel obliged to accept.

Sometimes this can even take a more dysfunctional form, e.g., another person does something that is likely to upset a third person, yet you feel responsible to try and cover it up or make up for it — despite it clearly not being your responsibility.

The important thing here is to become aware of the pattern and expose yourself to situations where you don't try to make it up for things that are not your responsibility. In the first occurrences you will likely feel cognitive dissonance, but over time you will learn how to ride the wave.

PS: When exposing yourself to new patterns of behavior, it is sometimes easier to go a bit further than the optimal balance. So if you act a bit like a jerk in the beginning it's OK. Over time you adjust your set point. For now you gotta explore the dark side a bit. 

Edited 4 hours ago by PsychedelicEagle

[niko123]

25 minutes ago, PsychedelicEagle said:

The key is:

1. Prioritize yourself;
2. Do not try to manipulate others' emotions — you are not responsible — let the chips fall where they may.

For people who learned to manipulate others' emotions early in life, this is usually hard word, but it can be done.

If you had a parental figure who used emotional manipulation to guide your behavior (e.g., "son, if you do this mom will be really sad") more than average, you likely have psychological patterns where you feel guilty if you can't match their expectations. For example: someone invites to go out; you don't want, yet you feel obliged to accept.

Sometimes this can even take a more dysfunctional form, e.g., another person does something that is likely to upset a third person, yet you feel responsible to try and cover it up or make up for it — despite it clearly not being your responsibility.

The important thing here is to become aware of the pattern and expose yourself to situations where you don't try to make it up for things that are not your responsibility. In the first occurrences you will likely feel cognitive dissonance, but over time you will learn how to ride the wave.

PS: When exposing yourself to new patterns of behavior, it is sometimes easier to go a bit further than the optimal balance. So if you act a bit like a jerk in the beginning it's OK. Over time you adjust your set point. For now you gotta explore the dark side a bit. 

Thank you for that response, it's excellent.