Dating One Person At Once vs Multiple - Before Commitment

[BlessedLion]

21 hours ago, Natasha Tori Maru said:

Authenticity and integrity are linked and operate together in my experience - authenticity is about  “Am I being true to what I actually experience, value, think, and feel?”. Integrity can be viewed more like “Am I behaving consistently with what I claim to value, even when there is a direct cost to me?” 

Looking for integrity, which usually requires assessment over time, can be a great green flag for authenticity - not guaranteed but because they work together it's a good heuristic. I then see this as authentic integity; our inner experience, professed values, and behaviour aren't fundamentally at war with one another.

This is intelligent, thanks for sharing

[Miguel1]

I am also slow to warm up. But precisely that’s why let us not fool around too much, otherwise it will take forever.

[Natasha Tori Maru]

2 minutes ago, Miguel1 said:

I am also slow to warm up. But precisely that’s why let us not fool around too much, otherwise it will take forever.

Do you think any of your recent searches for authentic connection are linked to deconditioning around PUA paradigms? 

It seems you are very concerned with things taking too long. It sometimes reads like rushing. Urgency. Missing the beauty of the process and search? Just throwing ideas around.

[Natasha Tori Maru]

There's always a compromise to speed.

[Miguel1]

@KosmicGeng With you, I am not sure what do you mean by half the things you say.

I don’t do dating apps. I only meet girls IRL. During those meetings, it can last from 5 min to many hours. I get a very good sense of what they are about, if we spend many hours together.

Then if I go on a date with them, I further get to know them. How she thinks, how her humour works, how she carries herself, how healed she is, what is approx her maturity level etc.

I don’t see a reason why would I need multiple dates to decide if I just want to focus on getting to know this girl. Some people date multiple people for months before dropping everyone else and just focusing on one (not commitment yet - just purely getting to know).

How do you have resources, time and energy, to get to know many people at once, on a deep level, and remember everything? I would need an excel for it.

[Miguel1]

11 minutes ago, Natasha Tori Maru said:

Do you think any of your recent searches for authentic connection are linked to deconditioning around PUA paradigms? 

It seems you are very concerned with things taking too long. It sometimes reads like rushing. Urgency. Missing the beauty of the process and search? Just throwing ideas around.

It’s good you challenge me, do not feel like I don’t appreciate them. Especially as your approach is mature and calm. I very much respect that.

I am not concerned with things taking too long. Just from my own contemplation, if you are actually serious about finding a life partner, why take so long before showing who you really are? I have personally not much to hide. And I am working on having even less to hide.

I come from something called conscious selling. In one hour or sales call, we get the other person to open up about all their deepest pain and fears with powerful questions (I call it simply honest conversation), in a way nobody has come close to doing so for them, and they basically make a decision to pay thousands of dollars within an hour. That’s how real the conversations needs to be.

Why not? If you are not looking for a life partner, then do not waste my time.

The only difference between dating and conscious sales is that there’s noticeably more flirting, fun, and laughter in dating. But even flirting is done in a much more direct way than what we are used to in the mainstream.

I don’t fuck around.

Edited 1 hour ago by Miguel1

[Miguel1]

Keep in mind most of this is something new I am experimenting with currently. Or let’s say the past 10 months on and off.

The truth is, if you want to maximize ”dating results”, you should not be this hardcore. But I am not interested in that.

I am interested in finding real people who have done the heavy inner work, has deep self-awareness and has nothing to hide. I want realness.

I am completely tired and exhausted from games and manipulations. Truth is one of my top values, if not the top. So yes, all of this is really trying to decondition my PUA paradigm, and more. I want to understand and practice Conscious Dating. Something not discussed here really. I seem to be the only one to push it. Even such an important topic, but Leo hasn’t made a video on it in all these years.

- - - - -

If during any given night, I just want pussy, do I push this? Hell no. I turn into a player.

Edited 55 minutes ago by Miguel1

[Joseph Maynor]

I think it is good to just talk to everyone without any kind of agenda.  

[Xonas Pitfall]

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with dating multiple people if you aren’t committed to anyone (as long as you aren’t playing manipulation games, like pursuing people who are vulnerable, emotionally unstable, leading on people who want commitment, or keeping people around without being clear about what you want). Although I guess you’d technically be considered in some sort of “talking stage,” not ”dating.” I don’t know how people define these things.

If you genuinely want polyamory or that kind of lifestyle, you need to be extremely straightforward.

Like people who are into very strong kink or BDSM dynamics, maybe even 24/7. You realize your preferences are a bit “out there,” so you try to disclose them early and be around communities, forums, etc. where you’re more likely to find someone who genuinely wants to engage with you.

But if you’re still operating from the idea of, “Oh, I can take someone who wants commitment and somehow mold, bend, or change them to fit my needs,” then you’re acting dishonestly.

[Miguel1]

14 minutes ago, Joseph Maynor said:

I think it is good to just talk to everyone without any kind of agenda.  

There is always an agenda, whether it is fun or something else.

[Joseph Maynor]

How could you date more than one person.  This would becomes almost like a job it seems.

[Miguel1]

@Xonas Pitfall The question here is not whether it is wrong or not (morally, ethically).

The question is should you? What benefits? What could you lose?

[Miguel1]

Just now, Joseph Maynor said:

How could you date more than one person.  This would becomes almost like a job it seems.

By keeping things superficial as hell, like most people do.

[Joseph Maynor]

1 minute ago, Miguel1 said:

By keeping things superficial as hell, like most people do.

If someone is a dating coach for men it makes sense.  I can see that.  This is a valid niche in teaching.  

[Natasha Tori Maru]

42 minutes ago, Miguel1 said:

Just from my own contemplation, if you are actually serious about finding a life partner, why take so long before showing who you really are?

I mean... this is the main barrier to connection.

It might not be that people aren't willingly showing themselves - many simply don't know WHO they are. They don't even know they aren't showing who they are - they might think they are authentic - but that person is buried deep underneath layers of shame. They feel they are being authentic, but they cannot connect with themselves, and they don't realise this - so all genuine attempts to connect authentically with another are hopeless.

If you have any sort of attachment issue or codependency, you learned early on that showing who you really are in a bid for connection resulted in rejection, punishment or being ignored/discarded. So you internalize a belief "I must hide / perform as someone else to get love" or "love must be earned" or "my needs aren't important". All of these mean we end up burying who we are in an attempt to get love. It is fundamentally disconnection from the self.

Other times people are so craving connection they cannot get with a person (or themselves), they end up connecting with a substance (food, drugs, alcohol) unconsciously. We can also do this with emotional highs - being addicted to our own adrenaline fueled feeling states. Triggering them in patterns. All bids to connect to something.

These sorts of issues are very, very common.

Quote

I seem to be the only one to push it.

I think you make a martyr of yourself with this sort of narrative. And it is part of the reason others are feeling as if you are coming off as "holier than thou". “I am the one doing the difficult, honest work while everyone else isn't.” Once that narrative takes hold, it can become self-reinforcing. It puts you in a morally elevated position. It also makes genuine inquiry harder because disagreement starts to feel like evidence that others aren't willing to go where you are. And while you may profess you don't feel that way - the inner narrative that comes out signals otherwise. Even when we do not consciously think something, that does not mean we do not think thoughts that incur a belief.

Do you think you have any issues with self trust, connection or attachment? Codependency? 

Bainstorm what connection is. What it entails. How long it takes to feel and see clearly. Markers for when it is authentic. Under what circumstances it arrives. 

Values and compatibility are also factors.

Theres a lot to this. It's not so reductive as you attempt to advertise it "I seem to be the only one to push it." - do you know what it is you push? Real love. And that is never simple when in relative human domains.

I don't think you will find a solution through more information....

Edited 23 minutes ago by Natasha Tori Maru

[Miguel1]

17 minutes ago, Natasha Tori Maru said:

It might not be that people aren't willingly showing themselves - many simply don't know WHO they are. They don't even know they aren't showing who they are - they might think they are authentic - but that person is buried deep underneath layers of shame. They feel they are being authentic, but they cannot connect with themselves, and they don't realise this - so all genuine attempts to connect authentically with another are hopeless.

And why would I be interested in this person as a potential life partner?

This is why doing the inner work is key to this type of relationship.

[Xonas Pitfall]

13 minutes ago, Natasha Tori Maru said:

I think you make a martyr of yourself with this sort of narrative. And it is part of the reason others are feeling as if you are coming off as "holier than thou". “I am the one doing the difficult, honest work while everyone else isn't.” Once that narrative takes hold, it can become self-reinforcing. It puts you in a morally elevated position. It also makes genuine inquiry harder because disagreement starts to feel like evidence that others aren't willing to go where you are. And while you may profess you don't feel that way - the inner narrative that comes out signals otherwise. Even when we do not consciously think something, that does not mean we do not think thoughts that incur a belief.

I agree with this.

Although I’d add that it’s also quite possible you just haven’t found your person yet. There may be someone who matches your intensity, and you might even bond over how you both went straight into deep conversations instead of staying on the surface.

In that sense, it’s partly a numbers game and a matter of where you’re “casting your net.” If you want openness and deep discussion, being around people who are likely to enjoy that kind of conversation is crucial. You can be “deep” about almost anything if you’re both genuinely curious about the topic. So what would you actually want to talk about with your future partner?

I’d also reflect on your previous relationships, especially whichever one came closest to being a long-term partnership. What made it work? Why didn’t it work? What patterns do you notice?

Then ask yourself:

“What kind of partner do I want? What kind of partner would they want? Am I that person? If not, why not? Am I looking in places where I can actually find this person? Am I giving off the signals that I’m the kind of person they’re looking for? How many dates am I actually going on?”

Remember, if you’re looking for a lifelong monogamous partnership, you only need one person. It’s okay if it takes time to find them 

[Natasha Tori Maru]

Dating more than one person isnt keeping it superficial. Please I implore you! This frame is shooting you in the foot! 

How do you know if you want to invest in something? 

You start small. Small talk. Throw out some low risk pennies. Keep talking - oh hey! That person gave me a penny back... Maybe it's with investing a dollar... Let's see where that goes. Wow they gave me two bucks in return!

Over time youl earn this person is really worth investing more into. Then you jump in and go exclusive. Stock market full force pink sheets investment 😁

I don't think we understand dating is the method to establish if it's worth investing.

You don't just invest a million when you have no fucking idea what the hell you are investing into!

Edited 9 minutes ago by Natasha Tori Maru

[Natasha Tori Maru]

4 minutes ago, Miguel1 said:

And why would I be interested in this person as a potential life partner?

This is why doing the inner work is key to this type of relationship.

That's not the right question - the right question is HOW do you know? 

[Miguel1]

18 minutes ago, Natasha Tori Maru said:

I think you make a martyr of yourself with this sort of narrative. And it is part of the reason others are feeling as if you are coming off as "holier than thou". “I am the one doing the difficult, honest work while everyone else isn't.” Once that narrative takes hold, it can become self-reinforcing. It puts you in a morally elevated position. It also makes genuine inquiry harder because disagreement starts to feel like evidence that others aren't willing to go where you are. And while you may profess you don't feel that way - the inner narrative that comes out signals otherwise. Even when we do not consciously think something, that does not mean we do not think thoughts that incur a belief.

Do you think you have any issues with self trust, connection or attachment? Codependency? 

Bainstorm what connection is. What it entails. How long it takes to feel and see clearly. Markers for when it is authentic. Under what circumstances it arrives. 

Values and compatibility are also factors.

Theres a lot to this. It's not so reductive as you attempt to advertise it "I seem to be the only one to push it." - do you know what it is you push? Real love. And that is never simple when in relative human domains.

I don't think you will find a solution through more information....

I think many of you are making this a much bigger thing in your head than it really is. Watch for projection.

Notice how much we discuss dating here. How much of it is actually conscious dating? How much of it is PUA? How much of it is misogyny?

Of course I want to talk about real love. Why would I not?

Keep in mind that I have probably 50k approaches under my belt. I have had SO MUCH shallow bullshit manipulative conversations, if I have to do one more, I will puke.

These conversations lead NOWHERE long-term,

How can we build connections that actually have substance and LASTS? By being real, having honest and deep conversations. Being vulnerable and connecting on a soul level.

Ridiculous how you guys are making me the martyr, yet proposing that I could be the one doing it.