I'm feeling split inside my relationship

[KaRzual]

I'm approaching the 8 years mark in my current relationship. I'm 30 soon and my GF is 32. We're renting an appartment for 4 years now.

Since close to a year now she wanted to take another step and buy our own flat. 

What I was doing was running away and avoiding that. I think mainly because I was not and I'm not sure if she's "the right one". The point is - I don't know it after all these years.

She's a great woman for me. We went through ups and downs, but after all she was there for me and did (and still does) her best to understand me and fulfill my relationship needs.

And yet I'm still not sure. I went through anxiety and stiffness when thinking about buying a flat together and basically saying "yep, this is it, that's all for me" - meaning, that she's my final GF.

I don't want to leave her and waste such relationship, but thought of commiting is scary to me. 

I went to discuss it with my therapist. At the beginning he challenged me with the thought that I wanted to leave her, but I wasn't sure. I'm also not quite sure if I love her. But then, sometimes I will look at her and think about how wonderful human she is and I'm feeling love.

He also said that then I'm choosing to stay and I still wasn't so sure. I was and I'm lost.

After coming back from my therapist I opened up to my GF about my dillemas. I cried near her for the first time. I cried really hard. She was full of understandemnt and empathy for me.

For the past 2-3 years I wondered if something will happen and we will split. So it was really hard to plan for the things even like vacation together 

I thought - maybe I meet some other girl in the meantime, I will love her and feel that this is it. But it didn't happen. Of course other girls are hot for me, but it's not like I'm losing my mind because of it.

I'm really torn guys. I'm just not sure if "this is it" and on the other hand I don't want to lose a relationship like that - stable, full of understandemnt, with an honest, reliable and mature person, who loves me dearly. 

It's really hard for me recently, because last few months I was running away from it and went into distractions. But I can't do it anymore. I feel like it's time to make a decision.

And yesterday I sent her first links to apartments that I would consider. It was hard for me. I felt shivers running down my spine and anxiety.

And sometimes during the day I feel like investing in the relationship is the right thing to do, and in just a few minutes comes thought about ending it all...

But then - what is not right? What's missing for me? What I could get from other girl that I'm not getting from mine?

I'm really lost and hurting...

[Miguel1]

I will have to say this first of all.

If your GF wants children, you are doing her extremely fucking dirty.

So I truly hope it’s not her big goal.

Then secondly, what do you want from your relationship?

What are the pros and cons of your relationship right now?

Edited Monday at 02:44 PM by Miguel1

[Valach]

I know I keep using this all the time over here but you sound like a person with typical avoidant attachment with all the anxiety and realted stuff.  Have you explored that? 

[KaRzual]

6 minutes ago, Miguel1 said:

I will have to say this first of all.

If your GF wants children, you are doing her extremely fucking dirty.

So I truly hope it’s not her big goal.

Then secondly, what do you want from your relationship?

What are the pros and cons of your relationship right now?

She does want children. I was the first one brining that up.

I want to feel happy and fulfilled in it. 

Pros: she's a loving person, she understands my needs very well, she's intelligent, caring and a good person overall. I feel that we share many values and views. I find her attractive, I love having sex with her.

Cons: I feel frustrated when listening to her and opening up to her. It has nothing to do with what she says and who she is. It's more about my and my body's reactions that I don't understand.

[KaRzual]

3 minutes ago, Valach said:

I know I keep using this all the time over here but you sound like a person with typical avoidant attachment with all the anxiety and realted stuff.  Have you explored that? 

I really wondered about it. I even made a test which showed that I'm secure actually...

I think I will ponder this topic on my next session with the therapist.

[Valach]

8 minutes ago, KaRzual said:

I really wondered about it. I even made a test which showed that I'm secure actually...

I think I will ponder this topic on my next session with the therapist.

I can gurantee you that just from the description alone, you are not secure at all. The online tests are quite bad around determining this - I feel like most insecure people would score secure in them.

[KaRzual]

She just came back from work and I'm wondering: "fuck, what is wrong with me I want to break up with her?".

Literally looking at her, sweet woman of mine. It's really messing me up.

And shortly after that doubts and second thoughts begin to slide in.

Edited Monday at 03:40 PM by KaRzual

[KaRzual]

I visualize having a flat and children together, it's a pleasant plan.

But then I lie on the sofa and unpleasant thoughts and feeling of tension in the body kicks in... It's really tiring.

[Jirh]

That's all normal. It's called indecisiveness and having second thoughts.

You're afraid of making a big decision that might alter your life forever, and your body is reacting out that fear. The tension and anxiety are signals from a conditioned system that is approaching a psychological change that is perceived as huge, which might not be huge at all except in thoughts.

Think about it this way:

Instead of asking: "Is she the one?", ask yourself: "Is the life we build together the life I want to live everyday?".

And I think you know the answer is yes. Because you listed many pros and not even one single con. And most importantly because you have been with her for 8 years and never felt that you're in the wrong place.

What you're experiencing are fleeting thoughts; What if this? What if that?

And none of them matter. Because they're concerned with potential not the actual. What truly matters is the actual thing that you have and experience everyday.

[KaRzual]

1 hour ago, Jirh said:

That's all normal. It's called indecisiveness and having second thoughts.

You're afraid of making a big decision that might alter your life forever, and your body is reacting out that fear. The tension and anxiety are signals from a conditioned system that is approaching a psychological change that is perceived as huge, which might not be huge at all except in thoughts.

Think about it this way:

Instead of asking: "Is she the one?", ask yourself: "Is the life we build together the life I want to live everyday?".

And I think you know the answer is yes. Because you listed many pros and not even one single con. And most importantly because you have been with her for 8 years and never felt that you're in the wrong place.

What you're experiencing are fleeting thoughts; What if this? What if that?

And none of them matter. Because they're concerned with potential not the actual. What truly matters is the actual thing that you have and experience everyday.

Thank you. Thank you sincerely.

In no way I can say: I was feeling bad last years. Or: this is not life I want to live.

But yes, these second thoughts make my body tickle...

[Hojo]

5 hours ago, KaRzual said:

I'm approaching the 8 years mark in my current relationship. I'm 30 soon and my GF is 32. We're renting an appartment for 4 years now.

Since close to a year now she wanted to take another step and buy our own flat. 

What I was doing was running away and avoiding that. I think mainly because I was not and I'm not sure if she's "the right one". The point is - I don't know it after all these years.

She's a great woman for me. We went through ups and downs, but after all she was there for me and did (and still does) her best to understand me and fulfill my relationship needs.

And yet I'm still not sure. I went through anxiety and stiffness when thinking about buying a flat together and basically saying "yep, this is it, that's all for me" - meaning, that she's my final GF.

I don't want to leave her and waste such relationship, but thought of commiting is scary to me. 

I went to discuss it with my therapist. At the beginning he challenged me with the thought that I wanted to leave her, but I wasn't sure. I'm also not quite sure if I love her. But then, sometimes I will look at her and think about how wonderful human she is and I'm feeling love.

He also said that then I'm choosing to stay and I still wasn't so sure. I was and I'm lost.

After coming back from my therapist I opened up to my GF about my dillemas. I cried near her for the first time. I cried really hard. She was full of understandemnt and empathy for me.

For the past 2-3 years I wondered if something will happen and we will split. So it was really hard to plan for the things even like vacation together 

I thought - maybe I meet some other girl in the meantime, I will love her and feel that this is it. But it didn't happen. Of course other girls are hot for me, but it's not like I'm losing my mind because of it.

I'm really torn guys. I'm just not sure if "this is it" and on the other hand I don't want to lose a relationship like that - stable, full of understandemnt, with an honest, reliable and mature person, who loves me dearly. 

It's really hard for me recently, because last few months I was running away from it and went into distractions. But I can't do it anymore. I feel like it's time to make a decision.

And yesterday I sent her first links to apartments that I would consider. It was hard for me. I felt shivers running down my spine and anxiety.

And sometimes during the day I feel like investing in the relationship is the right thing to do, and in just a few minutes comes thought about ending it all...

But then - what is not right? What's missing for me? What I could get from other girl that I'm not getting from mine?

I'm really lost and hurting...

Realize you are wondering if this is it for your girlfriend while imaging other random girls coming for you so you can say this is it.

[KaRzual]

9 hours ago, Hojo said:

Realize you are wondering if this is it for your girlfriend while imaging other random girls coming for you so you can say this is it.

Mind elaborating? Think I didn't get it.

[LordFall]

I would say dump her bro, sounds like you like her and she's sweet but you know you can do better. Especially it sounds like you're in scarcity when it comes to women and you're not sure you can find other ones and you specifically said your girl isn't that attractive.

I think some people in your situation commit and make it work and others level up and get the women they're truly passionate about. 

You know yourself and your dating history best so only you can know but probably you have not gone through the full self-development and pick up journey before you committed initially and you just got along with a girl that you met or that was in your friend group and here we are 8 years later. 

In your 30s if you set yourself up properly you will get way more women than you did in your early 20s so that's also worth considering. 

Also ask yourself what is your best outcome if everything works out? Lay them all out and think for yourself. Do your hesitations lift and you only date this woman for the rest of your life? Do you compromise with her and do an open relationship and see other women on top? Do you do a clean break and find a girlfriend you're more sure about? Do you go polyamorous and date multiple attractive women at once? 

The whole point of this forum and enlightenment is that you are the God of your destiny. Be very careful with adhering to mainstream conditioning and taking the bare minimum of what life has to offer, usually guys end up miserable this way because they are pleasing society or their friends or even their partner but ultimately not themselves. 

 

Edited 2 hours ago by LordFall

[Valach]

11 minutes ago, LordFall said:

I think some people in your situation commit and make it work and others level up and get the women they're truly passionate about.

 

Passion is a very temporary thing. You can not base your relationships on passion. Any realationship will not feel as passionate after years as it was in the beginning. 

11 minutes ago, LordFall said:

The whole point of this forum and enlightenment is that you are the God of your destiny. Be very careful with adhering to mainstream conditioning and taking the bare minimum of what life has to offer, usually guys end up miserable this way because they are pleasing society or their friends or even their partner but ultimately not themselves. 

 

The seeking of best available partner is precisely the opposite of enlightenment. You are seeking something to compensate for lack within.

Edited 1 hour ago by Valach

[Valach]

mistake

Edited 1 hour ago by Valach

[LordFall]

16 minutes ago, Valach said:

Passion is a very temporary thing. You can not base your relationships on passion. Any realationship will not feel as passionate after years as it was in the beginning. 

Sure I think sometimes that's the case. Some relationships also get more passionate as the years go on as the people are really compatible with eachother.

To be intellectually honest we have to frame the whole range of possibilities. Some relationships the people are barely if not even attracted to eachother and just get together based on scarcity. That's on the looks part but even personality it's so common for men to literally dislike their wives. 

On the other hand there are some guys that managed to date and marry the hottest girl they've ever met. Some others have a lifelong shared life purpose together like Will and Ariel durant who spend 68 years married together and wrote some of the worlds best history books together. 

For me both of these things are non-negotiables, I need to have a shared life purpose with my partner and I need to be extremely attracted to them and not settle. Each person needs to make their own choices and have the self-awareness to know what life they're looking to build. 

> The seeking of best available partner is precisely the opposite of enlightenment. You are seeking something to compensate for lack within.

No I think this is hardcore spiritual bypassing. When you realize that you are everything your standards become incredibly high and you want to also experience the best of everything. The way you put it is the dude that took shrooms one time and rationalizes being broke and unsuccessful with women because now shallow materialistic things don't apply to him. 

If this mindset makes you happy and leads you to enjoy your existence more then more power to you but I'll stick with the hot women and massive compatibility in my relationships thank you very much. 

Edited 1 hour ago by LordFall

[Valach]

3 minutes ago, LordFall said:

Sure I think sometimes that's the case. Some relationships also get more passionate as the years go on as the people are really compatible with eachother.

To be intellectually honest we have to frame the whole range of possibilities. Some relationships the people are barely if not even attracted to eachother and just get together based on scarcity. That's on the looks part but even personality it's so common for men to literally dislike their wives. 

On the other hand there are some guys that managed to date and marry the hottest girl they've ever met. Some others have a lifelong shared life purpose together like Will and Ariel durant who spend 68 years married together and wrote some of the worlds best history books together. 

For me both of these things are non-negotiables, I need to have a shared life purpose with my partner and I need to be extremely attracted to them and not settle. Each person needs to make their own choices and have the self-awareness to know what life they're looking to build. 

Sure but you also need to have deep self awareness on knowing why you are seeking the things you want for yourself in the first place. And that is a very hard thing to have. Eg Do you seek the hottest partner because that is your authentic desire or are you doing so get self worth through them? To compensate for the wounded child within? Even I can not answer that truthfully.

Edited 1 hour ago by Valach

[LordFall]

4 minutes ago, Valach said:

Sure but you also need to have deep self awareness on knowing why you are seeking the things you want for yourself in the first place. And that is a very hard thing to have. Eg Do you seek the hottest partner because that is your authentic desire or are you doing so get self worth through them? To compensate for the wounded child within? Even I can not answer that truthfully.

Yes absolutely. I think a lot of this stuff is overly complicated though. Why would you not authentically desire attractive partners? If you find yourself dating people that you are not attracted to but your friends and society gives you props for then that's seeking validation. You should try to date YOUR perfect 10 not mine. 

So what happens when the wounded child within is healed? Do you think he stops wanting good things in life or does he now finally have the courage to go for what he really wants?

Also once more on your enlightenment comment, when you get enlightened do you stop needing food because you are now complete and need nothing external? Or does your relationship with food become much more intentional and your standards for what you put in your body and thus have in your life increase massively? 

 

Edited 1 hour ago by LordFall

[Elliott]

You might have personal stuff to deal with, she might be being insincere and you sense it.

[Valach]

11 minutes ago, LordFall said:

 

So what happens when the wounded child within is healed? Do you think he stops wanting good things in life or does he now finally have the courage to go for what he really wants?

It will still want good things. The thing is that what a good thing for good life is might not be the most attractive woman. I've seen it many times.

11 minutes ago, LordFall said:

Also once more on your enlightenment comment, when you get enlightened do you stop needing food because you are now complete and need nothing external? Or does your relationship with food become much more intentional and your standards for what you put in your body and thus have in your life increase massively? 

 

Woman are not food.