I Became Spiritual Without Wanting It—I Followed The Path of Awakening Blindly

[eTorro]

Hello everyone!

Well, well, well.

I was truly unconscious when I started to meditate.

I didn't know what meditation was, so I made a vow to do it daily for the rest of my life.

I couldn't say I wanted or desired to meditate, but because others talked about the benefits of it, I did it anyway, FORCEFULLY.

After two years, I plunged into the dark night of the soul. I became suicidal. I had other severe mental-health issues, making me realize I was burnt out, feeling like an 80-year-old all the time. Couldn't get out of bed or be disciplined. Even buying groceries felt heavy.

I was asking myself: "Why am I doing this? I don't want to be spiritual at all. There's no appeal for it."

But I kept surrendering stuff, and that includes sex. I'm now a 33-year-old virgin, but it doesn't bother me at all since I made peace with the fact that I might remain a virgin due to my moral convictions (I believe in sex only after marriage, and that a good medium for kids is essential for a healthy society). In other words, I am okay with it after awakening (I wasn't OK with it before, but when the ego is gone, there's no need...); you get the idea.

It was so difficult to meditate and let go—my chaotic ego wanted only worldly stuff. It was hell and really painful; it kept coming up, over and over again. I didn't really want spirituality. But somehow, I persevered, and I was hardcore on spirituality daily. I had to force it to the point of crashing, but I did it anyway. Kept letting go, again and again, forcefully.

Only after six years of hardcore spirituality, my ego began to loosen. The painfully intense cravings for the world began to fade away.

Now, I'm stunned that I was able to do this, despite not wanting to be spiritual at all, and since it had no appeal to me.

But I see the benefits: I healed my toxic shame, social anxiety, the painful self-conscious feeling among peers, and other addictions. Not to mention the blissful states of awareness that are so peaceful... 

Some people say, "Why pursue spirituality when you are not really interested in it?" That might be true, but even if you have zero interest in it, you can still pursue it forcefully.

Now, the thing is, I hadn't done what the ego craves, and I managed to transcend it through spiritual work despite not being interested in spirituality. Is that a wrong thing? Because I healed, and now I see no point in doing ego-stuff. I just rest in awareness most of the time.

Is that wrong?

Edited 13 hours ago by eTorro

[James123]

53 minutes ago, eTorro said:

Hello everyone!

Well, well, well.

I was truly unconscious when I started to meditate.

I didn't know what meditation was, so I made a vow to do it daily for the rest of my life.

I couldn't say I wanted or desired to meditate, but because others talked about the benefits of it, I did it anyway, FORCEFULLY.

After two years, I plunged into the dark night of the soul. I became suicidal. I had other severe mental-health issues, making me realize I was burnt out, feeling like an 80-year-old all the time. Couldn't get out of bed or be disciplined. Even buying groceries felt heavy.

I was asking myself: "Why am I doing this? I don't want to be spiritual at all. There's no appeal for it."

But I kept surrendering stuff, and that includes sex. I'm now a 33-year-old virgin, but it doesn't bother me at all since I made peace with the fact that I might remain a virgin due to my moral convictions (I believe in sex only after marriage, and that a good medium for kids is essential for a healthy society). In other words, I am okay with it after awakening (I wasn't OK with it before, but when the ego is gone, there's no need...); you get the idea.

It was so difficult to meditate and let go—my chaotic ego wanted only worldly stuff. It was hell and really painful; it kept coming up, over and over again. I didn't really want spirituality. But somehow, I persevered, and I was hardcore on spirituality daily. I had to force it to the point of crashing, but I did it anyway. Kept letting go, again and again, forcefully.

Only after six years of hardcore spirituality, my ego began to loosen. The painfully intense cravings for the world began to fade away.

Now, I'm stunned that I was able to do this, despite not wanting to be spiritual at all, and since it had no appeal to me.

But I see the benefits: I healed my toxic shame, social anxiety, the painful self-conscious feeling among peers, and other addictions. Not to mention the blissful states of awareness that are so peaceful... 

Some people say, "Why pursue spirituality when you are not really interested in it?" That might be true, but even if you have zero interest in it, you can still pursue it forcefully.

Now, the thing is, I hadn't done what the ego craves, and I managed to transcend it through spiritual work despite not being interested in spirituality. Is that a wrong thing? Because I healed, and now I see no point in doing ego-stuff. I just rest in awareness most of the time.

Is that wrong?

Be witness of these thoughts. Investigate who is saying?

No action, just witness, no force, just be

[eTorro]

38 minutes ago, James123 said:

No action, just witness, no force, just be

Okay. That's fair.

[Hojo]

@eTorro The same thing happen to me only I do it through drinking alcohol. After I awaken I was like holy fuck I was doing something the entire time.

[Breakingthewall]

@eTorro

I don't understand how you could have done all that work without a clear motivation, a goal in mind.

From what you've said, you've done a serious purification work, which in my opinion is essential for having a life that isn't pure anxiety.

[eTorro]

3 hours ago, Breakingthewall said:

From what you've said, you've done a serious purification work, which in my opinion is essential for having a life that isn't pure anxiety.

It was difficult because my ego was hyperactive in resisting me doing the spiritual work. And I didn't want to transcend the ego that much. So I had to force myself to do what I didn't want to do—letting go of cravings, money, desire, sexuality, and all worldly stuff.

I did spiritual work knowing clearly it wasn't for me (not only was my ego strongly against it—I myself was too); that's why it was so harsh. I basically did it with zero interest in the truth.

I almost cracked psychologically. I even became suicidal. I can't explain the darkness—it was horrific.

But hey! It's still possible to awaken, even though spirituality isn't for you, simply because you want the world or ego stuff so badly.

I kept doing it against my will and against my ego. I forced, pushed, and continued daily despite not wanting to. That was the key.

Edited 4 hours ago by eTorro

[Breakingthewall]

@eTorro but if it was so hard, you didn't want it and you haven't any goal with it, why did you do it?

[gettoefl]

Force is always wrong. Better is to find out the benefits. Find something or someone you can trust. Force could wake you up. But you'll be a fighter not a lover. The path is gentle, unexacting, caring; what you are doing is the opposite. You can have the gold medal in the spiritual Olympics. That's not why one meditates.

[Breakingthewall]

9 minutes ago, gettoefl said:

Force is always wrong. Better is to find out the benefits. Find something or someone you can trust. Force could wake you up. But you'll be a fighter not a lover. The path is gentle, unexacting, caring; what you are doing is the opposite. You can have the gold medal in the spiritual Olympics. That's not why one meditates.

What about Buddha? He did a very hard path full of fight and frustration for many years with a concrete goal

 

Edited 4 hours ago by Breakingthewall

[gettoefl]

Just now, Breakingthewall said:

What about Buddha? He did a very hard path full of fight and frustration for many years with a concrete goal

 

Yes. I mean force for force's sake. Force when directed is determination.

[eTorro]

10 minutes ago, Breakingthewall said:

@eTorro but if it was so hard, you didn't want it and you haven't any goal with it, why did you do it?

I had no idea why, and I can't answer that. I kept doing it blindfolded...

But now, when I notice the difference between a hyperactive ego and a blissful state of mind that goes beyond it, I realize that awakening is worth it.

It's such a tragedy that most people never experience the light of awareness. And I fully understand why: It's almost impossible to awaken to your true nature without wanting that or having a goal in mind. Most people never will.

[Hojo]

@Breakingthewall The goal was just living with the fear of death. Buddha did not know what he was doing he got scared and said wtf I have to find a way to not die and its more serious than all the riches in the world.

3 minutes ago, Breakingthewall said:

What about Buddha? He did a very hard path full of fight and frustration for many years with a concrete goal

 

 

Edited 4 hours ago by Hojo

[eTorro]

5 minutes ago, gettoefl said:

Yes. I mean force for force's sake. Force when directed is determination.

I understand what you mean, but without using painful force, how could I have stayed on the spiritual path and reached higher levels of awareness? Without applying harsh force, I would have remained a miserable ego, addicted to the world, pleasure, sex, materialism, money, and other delusions. I was heavily into that, by the way. My ego was into that, and I was into that before I had an awakening. So I had to use force against my will to reach higher levels of consciousness.

[Breakingthewall]

15 minutes ago, Hojo said:

The goal was just living with the fear of death. Buddha did not know what he was doing he got scared and said wtf I have to find a way to not die and its more serious than all the riches in the world.

Yes, he was Smart and ambitious, and he never lied to himself, he was in mission of conquest. That's the only way (as I see it)  to arrive to the openess to what is

 

[Breakingthewall]

18 minutes ago, eTorro said:

It's such a tragedy that most people never experience the light of awareness

Why do you call light of awareness? Maybe it would be awareness of the light . How do you see it?

Edited 4 hours ago by Breakingthewall

[Breakingthewall]

19 minutes ago, eTorro said:

It's almost impossible to awaken to your true nature without wanting that or having a goal in mind. Most people never will.

Many have that goal in mind, millions, but they don't get it, they stay in a state of emptiness , pure consciousness as they call it.  but they never open the source of life, the absolute being, their living nature.  

[eTorro]

3 minutes ago, Breakingthewall said:

Why do you call light of awareness?

Because a burden was lifted off your shoulders, and life is way easier, and there's no resistance to work or whatever you do.

[gettoefl]

17 minutes ago, eTorro said:

I understand what you mean, but without using painful force, how could I have stayed on the spiritual path and reached higher levels of awareness? Without applying harsh force, I would have remained a miserable ego, addicted to the world, pleasure, sex, materialism, money, and other delusions. I was heavily into that, by the way. My ego was into that, and I was into that before I had an awakening. So I had to use force against my will to reach higher levels of consciousness.

I will call this, the path of self-induced slavery. And you know the problem with slavery? Someone some day will be made to pay the price for your pain. You raped yourself into awakening. You will reap what you rape.

Edited 4 hours ago by gettoefl

[eTorro]

7 minutes ago, gettoefl said:

I will call this, the path of slavery. And you know the problem with slavery? Someone some day will be made to pay the price for your pain. You raped yourself into awakening. You will reap what you rape.

But there are benefits to being way more conscious. You forgive everyone, including the ones who 'harmed' you at some point in your life or scammed you. There's no condemnation of people. I kept forgiving. I do not judge. I do not impose myself on people. So? Why am I wrong? I don't plan to hurt people because I don't want to be a Zen devil.

Edited 4 hours ago by eTorro

[Breakingthewall]

8 minutes ago, eTorro said:

Because a burden was lifted off your shoulders, and life is way easier, and there's no resistance to work or whatever you do.

31 minutes ago, eTorro said:

 

Yes but enlightenment imo means being open to what never dies, to the unlimited being, and being one with it. You describe the effect, but the point is being open to the cause. I'm not saying that you aren't, just explaining my point