Boundaries

[Jirh]

I was pondering about the topic of boundaries (the absolute most important topic in relationships); how and where and when to draw them. Most of that process seems subconscious and automatic.

On observation (of myself and others), it's clear to me that boundaries are regulated by our emotions in the moment. Because it's too much effort to be constantly alert and consciously monitoring our boundaries with others, so we delegate that to our subconscious, which acts as a bridge between our conscious and unconscious minds. The subconscious mind (ego) has access to both layers and characteristics of both. It is fast, and responsive. Cost-effective.

Anyway, right now, I am trying to understand the role of boundaries on a deeper level in order to make this part of my psyche more conscious, to make it less reactive and more proactive. But I'm kinda having trouble with knowing what's right and what's wrong.

How do we even know right and wrong in this case? If identity is imagined, then boundaries are imagined too, and we can push in any direction with no real limits until it's already too late, and even then what can we conclude from that stretch?

As an example, how do you know when to forgive and when to withhold forgiveness? This questions your boundaries directly.

When someone you've known for a long time acts in a certain way that violates your boundaries, what do you do in that case? Do you try to understand them? Give them excuses? Do you give them second chances? Or do you let your subconscious take care of it and react impulsively? Which one is the right choice? And what if understanding and excusing become a pattern of your subconscious? Then you become a doormat, no?

It all seems way too complex, not even context is enough to draw a conclusive boundary or set of boundaries. Not even being flexible with boundaries helps, because the original premise is compromised. I don't know what's right and what's wrong. It's not arbitrary, but it's also not easy to discern at all.

I guess I'm just generally confused as I'm not really familiar with or used to being a "self". Not the old, completely unconscious and reactive self, at least.

Edited 5 hours ago by Jirh

[Joseph Maynor]

As soon as someone manipulates my words I know where they are coming from.  

[Jirh]

@Joseph Maynor What do you mean?

It's confusing to me. Because they could be coming from trauma, or misunderstanding, or pure malevolence, or maybe something else that I am not yet aware of.

What would be the right action in each case? Would be delightful to discuss this deeply.

Edited 4 hours ago by Jirh

[Joseph Maynor]

1 hour ago, Jirh said:

@Joseph Maynor What do you mean?

It's confusing to me. Because they could be coming from trauma, or misunderstanding, or pure malevolence, or maybe something else that I am not yet aware of.

What would be the right action in each case? Would be delightful to discuss this deeply.

Yes.  These are the right questions to ask.  This is the push back I expected.