Should I Leave a Loving Relationship for Growth and Intellectual Compatibility?

[Jordan of the Shire]

@LordFall

My priority shifted from a committed relationship to addressing my distorted views about the world, the deficiencies and excesses in my philosophy, and to dealing with what gets in the way of presence and kindness. I walked away from relationships for awhile while i sorted some things out within myself. 

[LordFall]

1 hour ago, Jordan of the Shire said:

@LordFall

My priority shifted from a committed relationship to addressing my distorted views about the world, the deficiencies and excesses in my philosophy, and to dealing with what gets in the way of presence and kindness. I walked away from relationships for awhile while i sorted some things out within myself. 

Makes sense. Have you tried dating since then? I'd be curious how your new re-centering affected that process 

[Elliott]

3 hours ago, Asayake said:

It seems you haven't read any of my comments then, I've been having a long discussion with LordFall and I've been engaging with most of his points. On the contrary, many of the things I've said have just been straight up ignored. You're not exactly making yourself look better by continuing to behave in the way you are "it was better than yours" sounds like a child.

Again, you're just wasting peoples time on here preaching like you're at a pulpit

[Asayake]

4 hours ago, Elliott said:

Again, you're just wasting peoples time on here preaching like you're at a pulpit

Well I guess if Im preaching that would make you my disciple.

[Jirh]

Well, then.

Good luck.

Hope you don't get stuck in the eternal chasing loop.

[integral]

On 6/20/2026 at 6:25 PM, LordFall said:

Here are my ideas

1) In general at around the 9 month mark is when the honeymoon phase of a relationship ends and people tend to see each other accurately. You can feel free to try harder when it gets hard but if you're having core incompatibilities it's gonna be hard to move past that. This is why I offered the MBTI idea so OP can literally test himself and see if his personality and his partner are more or less compatibles and decide if he wants to move forward as he fishes. There are other frameworks like the big 5 where trait openness compatibility is also important in partners.

2) Usually people that don't have a lot of options have a scarcity mindset. I've detailed one archetype that OP could fall into i.e. OP being a western dude who wasn't particularly successful in his dating life in the west moving to Indonesia and then hitched himself with the first could he could. That is an assumption that can be wrong but seems like it fits in the profile in my experience. We can't really go further than this in our assumptions before OP gives me more detail. 

3) It would make sense that people with not a lot of abundance that are in scarcity would he more heavily skew towards trying to make something work that's not incompatible because they have low standards. That seems harsh but that's how abundance works in any competitive market. If you have not a low of job offers you're gonna accept something that's not as great as someone who has many other offers that can afford to be pickier in his or her decisions.

You never made a point that contradicts this you just said that you think being risk adverse would make this decision difficult. I've explained why this mindset is not optimal in my view and consistent with someone with in a position of scarcity as opposed to being wise. 

Let's assume someone does not have a scarcity mindset, they do have options and yet they're in a great relationship with a great woman who has one imperfection.

Now your whole post looks like someone has to chase perfection or else there settling, so the framing is everything is settling and that's weakness and therefore it's wrong. 

Do you "deserve a Lamborghini?" the answer: The question is a shallow value projection. 

Needing Perfection is the pathology.

Because these are children's games.

If you're in a great relationship and still not happy it's because you have to grow up. And there's nothing wrong with needing to grow up and if that growing up means you have to leave the relationship to experience life then that's what you got to do.

Edited 1 hour ago by integral

[integral]

21 hours ago, Patrick_9931 said:

In the end @LordFall and @Elliott I think you were right. This is the first girl I stayed together with in South East Asia and I just got totally addicted by the warmth, femininity, comfort ecc. 

 

I just realized that I sold myself away for comfort.

 

The wisest choice here is breaking up with her, keep traveling, giving myself the chance to have more experiences and women that are more compatible with me which there are definitely plenty of when you know where to look as @Elliott said. 

You're at the beginning of the journey not the end.

That perfect woman doesn't exist, you're going to find someone marginally of better compatibility.

Don't confuse one realization for understanding the whole journey here.

Who ever you date will have strengths and weaknesses. 

Edited 1 hour ago by integral

[Elliott]

9 minutes ago, integral said:

You're at the beginning of the journey not the end.

That perfect woman doesn't exist, you're going to find someone marginally of better compatibility.

Don't confuse one realization for understanding the whole journey here.

 

He's not waiting for perfection, he's waiting for what he wants, his minimums. There's a HUGE difference.

[integral]

14 minutes ago, Elliott said:

He's not waiting for perfection, he's waiting for what he wants, his minimums. There's a HUGE difference.

MIMINUM?

He said the only problem with his wife is that she's intellectually not his equal.

That means she qualifies at every level except for one.

Anyways the problem has nothing to do with the girl it has to do with him not having experience, and not knowing what life is about and prioritizing small details that and he thinks fixing these small details are going to bring him happiness

Edited 3 hours ago by integral

[Elliott]

33 minutes ago, integral said:

MIMINUM?

He said the only problem with his wife is that she's intellectually not his equal.

That means she qualifies at every level except for one.

Anyways the problem has nothing to do with the girl it has to do with him not having experience, and not knowing what life is about and prioritizing small details that and he thinks fixing these small details are going to bring him happiness

Ya, "PROBLEM"

not

'the only way she could be more perfect'

 

What you're doing is telling a friend he needs to settle at the tetanus shot pizza bar, instead of walking down a block more for Guisseppes, what he actually wants, not that Guisseppes is perfect, they don't suck your dick while you smash some meat-lovers, it's not a poolside pizza place, it just doesn't give you food poisoning.

Edited 2 hours ago by Elliott

[integral]

@Elliott Realistically what you could hope for is a woman who's going to hug you when you come home from work and tell you that she loves you.

Edited 2 hours ago by integral

[Elliott]

1 minute ago, integral said:

@Elliott Realistically what you could hope for is a woman who's going to hug you when you come home from work and tell you that she loves you.

 

 

 

You're just making stuff up

 

[integral]

13 minutes ago, Elliott said:

What you're doing is telling a friend he needs to settle at the tetanus shot pizza bar, instead of walking down a block more for Guisseppes, what he actually wants, not that Guisseppes is perfect, they don't suck your dick while you smash some meat-lovers, it's not a poolside pizza place, it just doesn't give you food poisoning.

I didn't say he had to settle. I said if he has a problem he needs more life experience and that means he has to leave the relationship and get that experience

But don't expect some rainbow unicorn woman at the other side

Edited 2 hours ago by integral

[Elliott]

3 minutes ago, integral said:

 

But don't expect some rainbow unicorn woman at the other side

He's not, he wants his current girlfriend, whom YOU are idolizing as a unicorn, plus some intellectuality, that's it.

Edited 2 hours ago by Elliott

[integral]

1 minute ago, Elliott said:

He's not, he wants his current girlfriend, whom YOU are idolizing as a unicorn, plus some intellectuality, that's it.

"met an incredibly loving, loyal, beautiful woman. We are highly compatible in lifestyle: both introverted, home-oriented, physically attracted to each other, and comfortable living together. She takes care of the home, I provide financially, and the relationship is peaceful and easy."

this is the ideal relationship.

I would of accepted "peaceful" as the only requirement.

Edited 2 hours ago by integral

[Elliott]

Just now, integral said:

"

this is the ideal relationship.

 

For you

[integral]

Just now, Elliott said:

For you

For anyone with life experience. 

[Elliott]

Just now, integral said:

For anyone with life experience. 

That's toxic as fuck

[integral]

3 minutes ago, Elliott said:

That's toxic as fuck

Dude your acting like hes in a toxic abussive relationship and im telling him to accept it. 

[Elliott]

7 minutes ago, integral said:

Dude your acting like hes in a toxic abussive relationship and im telling him to accept it. 

He's in a toxic abusive relationship with you. His girlfriend is not toxic, just not what he's looking for.