What healthy Relationships look like

[integral]

https://www.facebook.com/reel/1054632474409648

https://www.facebook.com/reel/1017313837288136

https://www.facebook.com/reel/1005089649056890

https://www.facebook.com/reel/1618085662627470

Each video is the same situation. One healthy frame, one unhealthy frame.

0. It is very hard to change the narrative long term when one person holds the unhealthy frame. There are physiological, trauma, and habitual reasons they hold it. It is rare to get them to change no matter how well you show up. They default back. Most people do not have the growth mindset to hold a higher frame. So all the work you put into them does not stick.

Two ideas sound like they contradict. They don't.

1. The point of life is engagement. The destination is empty. You get the money, the goal, the thing you chased, and it feels like nothing the second you get it. Being in something fully is the point. Deep in your work, fun with people and friends in the moment. Deep with one person. Deep in training your body. Its in the process.

2 Most people will eat your time and energy and never meet you there. You are in the middle of something that matters and they pull you into noise. You give and give and nothing comes back. You lift someone's frame by putting self-development work into it and they drop it in a week because they default.

People think you have to pick. Engage with everyone, or pull back to protect yourself. That is a false choice.

Selectivity is not the opposite of engagement. Who is worth your energy? You can't go deep with everyone. So you go deep with the few who can actually meet you at your level.

So what you have to do is not engage less but to engage fully and choose wisely. High standards are not a retreat from life. They are how you make sure your full engagement lands on the right people, instead of getting drained by them and there chaos.

Edited 23 hours ago by integral

[enchanted]

"let's start with who you are talking to" lol.

Great post. This is exactly what people in unhealthy relationships need. 

One thought I would add is that as men we do have the ability (and duty) to lead our families and partners to higher consciousness. The biggest reason men give up on their partners is because of ego and the inability to forgive and not acting through unconditional love. 

To change someone with an unhealthy frame is difficult but can be done through unconditional love and consistency. It is similar to breaking a feral horse: you out-think them with steady, unshakeable leadership until their mind start to see the benefits of living with a higher consciousness. 

Edited 16 hours ago by enchanted

[tsuki]

I disagree on a very deep level.

This whole dynamic where one partner is responsible for how the other party feels is the definition of unhealthiness and is exactly what is wrong with the current relationship market. Nobody has every made you feel anything. You are creating your own feelings in response to what you think is happening. The sheer lack of responsibility towards your own mental state is staggering. And all of this is packaged from self-help standpoint? Ridiculous!

The other thing is the deeply troubling depiction of a relationship where the woman is both:

1. The caretaker, the worrier AND the conflict initiator
2. The child that needs to be hugged and cared for emotionally

All of this is a fantasy packaged as a neat mind-bite that on the surface shows us that it's okay to be vulnerable, but in reality keeps you stuck as a mental child. Really think about this: when things feel difficult, does it really help to be hugged and cry? Or that someone lists the things you might have thought that worried you? Why would it? Why do you need reassurance that what you are feeling is real? I'll tell you why: because it isn't, because you need to make yourself believe that it is real to avoid understanding that you are creating your emotions in the first place. You are not a victim of your circumstances and a victim of your mind, emotions don't "happen" to you. You think that you know with absolute certainty that your spouse will die in a car crash on a trip and your mind obsesses over it and you create fear. Fear is the consequence of this certainty and the truth is that you don't really know. You don't even know if it's bad if he or she crashes! Nobody teaches you the self-honesty required to be at ease with yourself. This is why you are a mental child and why you need reassurance that what you feel is real. You are better than this. 

Edited 3 hours ago by tsuki

[Jirh]

32 minutes ago, tsuki said:

when things feel difficult, does it really help to be hugged and cry?

Yes, absolutely.

Maybe it doesn't help you, but it helps tons of other people.

You're not wrong, there's a time for your logical talk. Just not during a sensitive moment while someone is breaking in tears.

Co-regulation is a real biological need, not a fantasy or Maya.

It's called containment, or emotional intelligence. What you're offering is high-quality logical intelligence, applied untimedly.

Edited 2 hours ago by Jirh

[tsuki]

Sure, hugging helps to relieve the tension that created alongside emotion, but it is just temporary relief from it and does not address the underlying issue. The issue is that you're confusing objective circumstances with your reception of it and that you have no command of your own mind. You're thinking that feelings happen to you and that it's good that you feel, and that you're trying to opimize life for good feelings. This is a mistake.

I am not speaking from a place of rejection of feelings. Feelings are an amazing, holistic, insight into your beliefs that happens instantaneously. There's nothing like it, really. I appreciate them. But they are only as smart as your beliefs, which is not very smart at all. It's a low quality culture soup, programming and prejudice. 

I'm not speaking about this in terms of the absolute, so don't bring maya into this. This is a practical matter. You will never build a peaceful, loving, relationship based on emotions alone. The content presented in OP is a fantasy.

[Jirh]

@tsuki That's a caricature of human emotions, and a clear lack of emotional intelligence.

29 minutes ago, tsuki said:

but it is just temporary relief

No, it isn't.

The person in distress and seeking validation needs emotional support exactly to regain agency, not to lose it. It's what helps them anchor themselves in a reality that feels threatening to the core of their being.

29 minutes ago, tsuki said:

from it and does not address the underlying issue. The issue is that you're confusing objective circumstances with your reception of it and that you have no command of your own mind. You're thinking that feelings happen to you and that it's good that you feel, and that you're trying to opimize life for good feelings. This is a mistake.

Yes, I get it. I create my emotions. We all create our emotions.

But that knowledge doesn't help you when a tiger is chasing you. If anything, it slows you down.

You are saying don't go near the tiger in the first place. And I agree. But not everyone is at the same place as you are, and not everyone has your genetics or psychology or circumstances. Your truth is not a universal truth.