On women settling for average men

[Spiritual Warrior]

@Valach mmmm... I understand what you're saying. The traumas are not from the lack of success but from something entirely different and using success with women to deal with the trauma is a dead end and will not not truly heal you. 

An interesting take, I am open to that being true. 

[Valach]

@Spiritual WarriorMost people however have to go through it to realize it is not the answer. However many people get stuck in the endless chase of options. I am just trying to bring out that perspective. I believe on such forum it is okay. Wouldnt really post this on pickup forum.

[Spiritual Warrior]

@Valach for sure, I appreciate it. I will keep this in the back of my mind as I "go through it." 

[LordFall]

@Valach You just have one massive blindspot in your argument. Once you fix your trauma and codependence issues and not being enough then probably you will still want to date attractive women. You're just doing it from a place of genuine desire now instead of loneliness and desperation. Which is great I totally recommend doing that, heal your relationship with life and your childhood trauma. And then learn to level up and get abundance. 

You can't skip that step if you're looking for the highest quality dating life. I think most people want a deeply meaningful life with a powerful life purpose with a trusted romantic companion at their side(or many of them.) 

Edited 8 hours ago by LordFall

[Valach]

@LordFall I am not sure what happens then since I have not reached that stage yet. But I would argue that a big chunk of desire for very attractive partner is a desire to prove yourself, to others and yourself that you are good enough and attractive. Once you heal, you might be screening for compatibility and aligned values way more than for attractivness. Though it might still be relevant. I can't say myself.

But I don't see in any way how this approach will hinder your attractivness. Quite contrary, I feel like this is the ultimate way to become attractive. If you are truly happy and content in yourself and do not have any need to prove yourself...that is gonna draw a lot of people in. Like, what else is there to learn after this?

[Natasha Tori Maru]

@Valach I agree with your values changing once you heal. 

Although I am a woman, many of my male circle report attractiveness being less of a priority in a mate. Screening for a healthy, stable and mature mate overtakes prioritising physical attractiveness. Many even claim searching for an attractive mate was less about them and more about status broadcasting when they were younger. Maturity, intellect and stability become the attraction factor.

Values change as we heal. 

Just my experience with a circle of 6/7 dudes who report the same transition. We are all between 39-45 years old.

Edited 7 hours ago by Natasha Tori Maru

[Valach]

@Natasha Tori Maru Yes. I feel like attractives is quite a bit of projection.

I don't feel good enough. I don't feel safe in this world. So I search for a value in the world to anchor myself in it. If I get a valuable woman (attractive according to society) that mean I am valuable and thus good enough.

Do you yourself have experience with healing attachment trauma?

[Natasha Tori Maru]

@Valach yep I had to go through a long healing process - I go into it a bit more in the link below. A bit of back and forth between me and @bazera if you want to hear some anecdotes 🙂

https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/113167-why-has-dating-collapsed-the-real-reason-no-one-talks-about/?do=findComment&comment=1741602

[bazera]

Why not do both?

Learn some "game", which basically is a skillset that extroverted and fun to be with guys do naturally, if you observe. That grows you, you need to face fears, accept rejection and be okay with it, and it touches and tiggers ego in some crucial ways that can be observed from a meta perspective. You learn to be more vulnerable and in the end you learn to just have fun and play.

And also you then put that aside and focus on attachment and behavioral patterns that you show up with, observe them, contemplating why you do some of those, what's the issue there, what needs does it fullfill.

Maybe learn some non-violent communication.

For example, I didn't realize that I has some anxious and also some avoidant patterns before some relationships, and then I realized what was sourcing them which I'm working on, and that only happened because I was triggered so many times by experience that a certain relationships gave me. So it was invaluable.

There is huge growth opportunities in learning game & attraction and then a whole set of those in learning how to build a proper intimate relationship. All those require inner work in different ways. 

Edited 1 hour ago by bazera

[bazera]

5 hours ago, Valach said:

If you are truly happy and content in yourself and do not have any need to prove yourself

@Valach Yes that's the goal. But quite an advance state that only comes after years of work and contemplation (supposedly). Plus, after lots of trial and error in relationship field as well.

Edited 1 hour ago by bazera

[theleelajoker]

IME it's a little bit of this and a little in bit of that. 

• Yes pickup is often used to cope with insecurity, increase self worth 
• It comes in handy if you learn and then know how to deal with women. Because it requires you to know yourself and being aware how to communicate. And having relatively happy life helps 
• I hear more often now that "emotionally stable" is a big criterion re search for partner

 

Edited 8 minutes ago by theleelajoker