I'm oscillating between two places in my life

[Someone here]

I feel like there is a conflict between two places in my life . They are NOT  "places " really but modes of being or experience.  The first one is the story of my life and getting involved in the details of the movie of life .again there is no "movie of life " ..these are metaphorical expressions.  And the other mode is pure presence..pure silence..pure acceptance..unconditional acceptance of what is as it is . I will try to describe the two modes .

The mode of pure presence..is the silent mind .the place where All is well and there are no problems of any kind whether physical or mental . Like when I'm in deep sleep ..or when I meditate ..or anytime I'm alone and relaxing and just being in the moment with zero or so low distractions.  That is a very good place to be . I feel calm ..grounded ..peaceful ..even "enlightened ".

The other place when I'm totally disconnected from that place .when I'm dealing with physical problems..like a sickness ..or a fight with other guys..or some traffic stressful situations..or when my body is feeling lack or discomfort like it needs food or It needs to rest yet the rest and food are not available at the moment and there is no alternative to experiencing the discomfort and "sucking it up ". Or when I'm REALLY mentally annoyed by an existential question..like I'm really confronted by it not just doing armchair philosophy...but really annoyed by the question and I can't meditate or forget about the question .

I'm always either in the first place or in the second place . I'm wondering for how long do I have to be in one of these two places?  Are there people on this forum who have transcended this duality?

[Natasha Tori Maru]

Do you think this could be a movement between active dissolution of conditionings, which, in my experience, can be very uncomfortable (and easily judged as being 'negative' or disconnected) and small breakthroughs following the conditioning being worked through?

What follows after the removal or 'working on' of life's accumulated conditionings, feels like a peace. Mindfulness. Oneness. Unity.

I soon swing back to being triggered by an event, experience, that reveals some other conditioning.

This has been my path of 'integration' for a long while. 

The moments of peace, being and love are deeper and more extended with each oscillation.

Not sure if that speaks to your experience. Lots of cleaning up.

[Someone here]

4 minutes ago, Natasha Tori Maru said:

Do you think this could be a movement between active dissolution of conditionings, which, in my experience, can be very uncomfortable (and easily judged as being 'negative' or disconnected) and small breakthroughs following the conditioning being worked through?

They follow each other but I don't think they cause each other . The conditioning and identification with my thoughts dissolves to a huge degree when I'm alone and relaxed physically and mentally . But whenever I'm involved physically or mentally in an a "negative " experience I lose that enlightened state of detachment .

Are you saying this very judgement of the other state perpetuates it? 

[Natasha Tori Maru]

Just now, Someone here said:

They follow each other but I don't think they cause each other . The conditioning and identification with my thoughts dissolves to a huge degree when I'm alone and relaxed physically and mentally . But whenever I'm involved physically or mentally in an a "negative " experience I lose that enlightened state of detachment .

Yeah I do not think they cause each other - for me it is the external reality (co-arising subject/object experience) that triggers a different sort of state (so to speak).

1 minute ago, Someone here said:

 

Are you saying this very judgement of the other state perpetuates it? 

For me it does. As an example, when I simply observe something in my experience - like a small piece of skin on my cuticle loose - it causes a sensation. A mild niggling / tingling feeling. But when I start to view it as an irritation or I actively start pulling at the loose cuticle I begin to judge the experience as something I dislike. I want it to go away.

This can sort of give it more volume in my mind. I think discernment leads to 'there is pain, sensation' whereas judgement leads to 'I do not want this, it is annoying, negative, I dislike it' etc.

Overall the difference between judgement / discernment is subtle - but one really prolongs the negative state. I just experience judgement in this way as a bad feeling state. Discernment doesn't have that negativity associated.

Might not be like this for you, just some subtleties in my experience and observation when body/sensation scanning, and tracing back to thoughts.

[Hojo]

Its hard but you have to realize that your soul is the most intelligent thing in existence. If you are frustrated you are frustrated on purpose. If you think you are fucking up you literally cannot fuck up. You fucking up is part of the plan your hyper intelligent soul is doing. Your soul is being pulled in both directions intelligently.

To come to terms that everything you do is hyper intelligent, even the things you deem 'bad' or not good or good is when you transend.

Like your soul is so smart it can't fuck up.

Edited 11 hours ago by Hojo

[Someone here]

24 minutes ago, Natasha Tori Maru said:

This can sort of give it more volume in my mind. I think discernment leads to 'there is pain, sensation' whereas judgement leads to 'I do not want this, it is annoying, negative, I dislike it' etc.

Overall the difference between judgement / discernment is subtle - but one really prolongs the negative state. I just experience judgement in this way as a bad feeling state. Discernment doesn't have that negativity associated.

I would say there is no difference between the two . There are sensations in the body . And they feel different. This has nothing to do with mental judgement. A feeling of smelling a perfume is different than a feeling of your palm bleeding . The mental judgement arises to urge us to seek one and despise the other .to survive. 

23 minutes ago, Hojo said:

Its hard but you have to realize that your soul is the most intelligent thing in existence. If you are frustrated you are frustrated on purpose. If you think you are fucking up you literally cannot fuck up. You fucking up is part of the plan your hyper intelligent soul is doing. Your soul is being pulled in both directions intelligently.

To come to terms that everything you do is hyper intelligent, even the things you deem 'bad' or not good or good is when you transend.

Like your soul is so smart it can't fuck up.

But when I'm in the moment of something bad It seems like seeing through it mentally doesn't resolve the physical annyonance. 

[Natasha Tori Maru]

25 minutes ago, Someone here said:

I would say there is no difference between the two . There are sensations in the body . And they feel different. This has nothing to do with mental judgement. A feeling of smelling a perfume is different than a feeling of your palm bleeding . The mental judgement arises to urge us to seek one and despise the other .to survive. 

I find a discernment is an observation free of judging the experience as good/bad. There is a difference, probably why there are different words so we have clear distinction. I spent a bit of time on contemplating discernment / judgement. @Razard86 is very good with this part of our experience.

And yep I agree regarding survival - it is why survival and spirituality run into incompatibility. Perhaps as we work on our conditioning more, judgement isn't as needed, because wisdom takes over. We can discern, but we do not need to ascribe good/bad as a judgement because wisdom will take over to guide survival (while remaining more spiritually aligned) after we learn the lessons in life. IE fire is danger, instead of 'I hate fire or heat'. 

I suppose then responsive wisdom will guide survival, rather than reactive judgement. I think this dovetails with dissolving conditioning - leading to wisdom guiding us.

This is all not to say we do not have preferences to experience. Just not a good/bad or moral judgement. More 'this is not for me' over 'i hate this'

Edited 10 hours ago by Natasha Tori Maru

[Rafael Thundercat]

To stay in Truth is a true pain in the ass. From my experience I understand why Leo say he get tired from recording videos with deep content. Is really hard to stay present in Truth. Life is a minefield of deception and distraction. Sometimes O think most part of my life would be distraction with a few percentage of staying in Truth.  But one must keep trying. This shit is for relenteless warriors. 

[LastThursday]

@Someone here it's funny, from a young age all I've wanted is "peace", exactly that place of silence and acceptance you talk about. In my case it's like a setpoint I'm always trying to return to, and the world just keeps pulling me away from it. I'm not working at the moment precisely because I want peace, I have to fight and sacrifice for it.

But I've come to the conclusion that peace and not peace are just two sides of the same coin. I've learned and confronted and matured by engaging with the movie of life, even if I always felt an underlying discomfort with it. Some of my best experiences have been when I haven't been at peace. Most of that distraction has been caused by people, they are a both a blessing and a curse. 

Have I reconciled the two? To a large degree I have, I often feel at peace even when engaged in the movie of life; things flow and are a lot more easy than they used to be because of it. The icing on the cake would be to proactively and peacefully engage with the chaos of living, but I'm not there yet, peace still wins out.