How do you deal with the need for sexual variety in a long-term relationship?

[bazera]

Hey,

Do you ever feel the need for more variety in your sex life when you’re in a long-term relationship?

I’m not talking about cheating or polyamory, but about that feeling that sex can become mechanical or boring after years with the same person. Especially if you were inexperienced and didn’t date much before, you might become curious about other types of experiences with women / men (if you are a woman).

Is the solution to explore and exhaust that need before committing to a long-term relationship? Or is it to suppress it and be content with what you have?

Or maybe the answer is to spice up the current relationship by introducing some novelty into your sex life.

What do you think?

Does it make sense to have one partner and expect them to satisfy your needs for the rest of your life?

[LordFall]

Is your partner open to exploring that with you both inside of your relationship and perhaps outside?

It is a common issue, this is why swinging is so popular for couples in their 40s.

I think exploring before you settle down in a monogamous relationship is super important but if you didn't get the chance then you have to figure out how to do it while married. If the partner is open then it can become a mutually beneficial quest but if not that's when cheating happens. I wouldn't recommend cheating though, marriage counselling and breakups are solid options. 

[bazera]

@LordFall

Quote

Is your partner open to exploring that with you both inside of your relationship and perhaps outside?

I'm not in a relationship at the moment, but when I was, that was my experience from time to time, that I got bored with it and wanted more exploraton, but at the same time I wasn't comfortable with the idea of my partner being with someone else, and as a result I also didn't act on those impulses in any way, but there was some need to have other experiences as well. In the end we broke up for different reasons.

I guess one of the latest posts from Leo on sexual satisfacion also plays into this idea well, because that was my experience as well. 

So I guess you have to exhaust that need first and then accept whatever your partner offers after you consciously commit to him / her and that's it. Plus work on making sex life as best as possible with current partner. 

Edited 4 hours ago by bazera

[Oeaohoo]

[Oeaohoo]

Joking aside, according to a recent blog post from Leo, it’s not possible and you need to learn to satisfy yourself.

[bazera]

@Oeaohoo

Quote

it’s not possible and you need to learn to satisfy yourself.

Do you think that's true? How is it in your experience?

[aurum]

Various forms of ethical non-monogamy can be a way to achieve variety.

But you also have to be able to handle your partner having sex with other people.

[Oeaohoo]

9 minutes ago, bazera said:

@Oeaohoo

Do you think that's true? How is it in your experience?

I don’t know. The most fulfilling experiences I have had with women have been on a soul-level and not sexual. I think I do agree with Leo that one woman will never fulfil you sexually, if that is what you are looking for. Of course, especially as the years go by, you will probably never fulfil one woman either…

[bazera]

@Oeaohoo

Quote

Of course, especially as the years go by, you will probably never fulfil one woman either…

But how do marriages work. Divorse rates is getting high (probably) each year, but there are couples who sustain marriages right? I mean, most of our parents did. But probably there's lots of variables there, having kids, shared families and relatives, shares liabilities, attachments, etc, that bind two people together, even if they aren't fully satisfied sexually or are fantasizing on other options. 

I'm just wandering when you are aware of these mechanism and don't lie to yourself about your needs, what's the best way to strategize this aspect of life. My conclusion was to just explore first to some degree, maybe a lot, and see where that takes you, maybe later in life you get a genuine satisfaction even sexually with just one partner for life, and that's it. But maybe not.

Quote

The most fulfilling experiences I have had with women have been on a soul-level and not sexual.

What do you mean exactly? Soul-level?

Edited 2 hours ago by bazera

[LordFall]

1 hour ago, bazera said:

@LordFall

I'm not in a relationship at the moment, but when I was, that was my experience from time to time, that I got bored with it and wanted more exploraton, but at the same time I wasn't comfortable with the idea of my partner being with someone else, and as a result I also didn't act on those impulses in any way, but there was some need to have other experiences as well. In the end we broke up for different reasons.

I guess one of the latest posts from Leo on sexual satisfacion also plays into this idea well, because that was my experience as well. 

So I guess you have to exhaust that need first and then accept whatever your partner offers after you consciously commit to him / her and that's it. Plus work on making sex life as best as possible with current partner. 

Agreed. Society has brainwashed into conformity on that one. Personally I will try nonmonogamy and building a harem much before thinking about settling down in a monogamous relationship. 

[Oeaohoo]

44 minutes ago, bazera said:

But probably there's lots of variables there, having kids, shared families and relatives, shares liabilities, attachments, etc, that bind two people together, even if they aren't fully satisfied sexually or are fantasizing on other options.

Exactly. If you’re married for years and your highest priority is sexual satisfaction, you’re probably doing something wrong.

Incidentally, that’s one of the themes which runs through Stanley Kubrick’s Eyes Wide Shut: their eyes are being opened sexually whilst their eyes are closed to their obligations as parents.

44 minutes ago, bazera said:

What do you mean exactly? Soul-level?

The times where it feels like the God in you sees the Goddess in her and vice versa. The boundless ocean of death and love, mort and amor, in a unison with the infinite light of pure awareness.

[Yimpa]

1 hour ago, Oeaohoo said:

Joking aside, according to a recent blog post from Leo, it’s not possible and you need to learn to satisfy yourself.

I am sapiosexuality. AI turns me on.

[bazera]

@Oeaohoo

Quote

If you’re married for years and your highest priority is sexual satisfaction, you’re probably doing something wrong.

But it is a strong force, especially if one is inexperienced in sexuality and curious at the same time. Maybe that gets less important as we age.

I mean, you might not want it to be one of top priorities, but you just can't help it. 

I guess that's where real maturity and cognitive / spiritual development comes into play. 

And also most people get married rather flippantly, who the fuck thinks about all these deeply before commiting? And then their real needs and motivations come up after years and that's when people get stuck.

[Kid A]

25 minutes ago, Oeaohoo said:

Incidentally, that’s one of the themes which runs through Stanley Kubrick’s Eyes Wide Shut: their eyes are being opened sexually whilst their eyes are closed to their obligations as parents.

Now, this is a really good reference and even better take!

[Hojo]

Sex isn't about getting yourself off. If you do it for gratification it will turn into fetish. It why they say a woman's vagina is for having kids not for cumming.

Edited 1 hour ago by Hojo

[LordFall]

@Hojo A relationship is meant to fulfill you otherwise why be in one? Forced breeding? 

[Oeaohoo]

1 hour ago, bazera said:

 

I guess that's where real maturity and cognitive / spiritual development comes into play. 

Exactly, I think that’s what a lot of this comes down to. Immature people will seek satisfaction in sex. Mature people will recognise that sex, as a form of lower-chakra jouissance, is inherently unfulfilling and will therefore sublimate that energy into something more profound. Unfortunately I seem to have fallen into the former camp…

57 minutes ago, Kid A said:

Now, this is a really good reference and even better take!

[bazera]

@Oeaohoo

Quote

Unfortunately I seem to have fallen into the former camp…

Yeah, as most of us have.