Feeling torn between ego development and the pursuit of deepest truth

[manuel bon]

Hi everyone! For those who don’t know me, I’m 24, Italian, currently living in the Netherlands. About four years ago my father and brother had a serious motorcycle accident, an event that deeply impacted me and marked the beginning of a serious inner spiritual journey. Since then I’ve studied various teachers (including Leo), meditated consistently, and explored non-duality, ego, consciousness, and metaphysics. I feel genuinely drawn towards deepest truth of reality... I feel like I need to understand what reality really is in order to understand myself and how to live. At the same time, I’m still very much a human being with ambitions, desires, fears, and responsibilities. I’m trying to build a career (I’m a classical guitarist and certified meditation teacher and thought i wanted to share mindful practices with musicians, but thinking about that I don’t think that I can live out of that since musicians don’t have money - I’m considering working with non musicians). I want financial stability, and honestly part of me wants to be rich and successful. I also care about making an impact and really help people with mindfulness, because it has really changed my life for the better, and it helped me grow.

On one side I feel drawn toward ego dissolution, selflessness, and truth beyond identity, there’s a part of me that wants to let go completely (every year I am more and more connected to thse things, thanks to meditation and sometimes doing psychedelics). But on the other side I still want to build something in the world, I want money, autonomy, and recognition, and I feel afraid of “losing myself.” I don’t fully know how to integrate spirituality with ordinary life, even if I want to work with meditation. I sometimes wonder if my desire for the “deepest truth” is healthy growth, or if it’s partially an escape from unresolved emotional material, trauma, or uncertainty. I also want to do psychedelics as a way to deepen insight, but I’m unsure whether that would be growth or destabilization, even though all the experiences I had were helpful for my growth. I don’t fully trust my motivation yet. I don’t know if I’m seeking awakening or relief. Maybe both. Every time though that I start having deeper experiences while meditating or in trips I start being scared of loosing myself, even if one part of me wants it.
I intellectually understand that money and ego are relative constructs. But in practical life they matter. So I feel stuck between these two paradigms.

Thanks for reading❤️

[Breakingthewall]

Spirituality doesn't imply detachment from material success. It implies reconfiguring the idea of material success towards your true inner calling, detaching yourself from the social paradigm of success.

The material and the spiritual are one; aligning yourself with the flow doesn't mean rejecting the mundane, but rather seeing it as an expression of the flow of reality.

Periods of crisis or disorientation may occur, but the more you break the energetic structure that confines you, the more fluid your life will be. It's not a mistake to delve deeper into the path you've begun, but rather the only possible success.

I would say it's essential not to believe, or to believe with many reservations, in teachers; great part of their message is geared towards their own success as teachers.

The only authority on this matter is yourself. The path to the complete opening of your energetic structure is unique; it must be discovered by you. No one can guide you. Anyone who tells you they can is trying to steal your sovereignty over yourself. This is very common in spirituality, which is plagued by vampiric narcissists.

You are a pioneer in this. What you are going to do has never been done before, since there has never been another structure like yours.

[gettoefl]

I would propose, do both. There is nothing better than spirituality. It simply means to see what is there - to train the mind how to do that. It's the highest meaning in life and what everyone will choose if they knew what it meant and what it grants. But yes, the world has charms too. We all wish for the creature comforts and the mod cons. It is not unspiritual to live life to the full. In fact it helps the spiritual path since we expose ourselves to all aspects of the world, the good the bad the ugly. The world is a laboratory to put our spirituality into action, namely to see things in the light of truth. So I say go hell for leather with both. You are young and you are smart and you already tasted the truth. So become say a self-help influencer and a mystic in the same lifetime. Why not!

[Ziran]

3 hours ago, manuel bon said:

I don’t fully know how to integrate spirituality with ordinary life

Almost everything that exists, here and now, in the material world, can be condidered as body-and-spirit, as vessels-of-light.  "Mundane" objects and experiences are flickering with opportunities.   Cultivating optimism helps with this.

Best wishes,

[VeganAwake]

Psychedelics can help create different paths or ways of thinking, so can alcohol, marijuana, art....etc..etc..

No need to keep using substances over and over again in my experience! You sound like an out of the box thinker already! You're good!

The only way you can find out what you really want to do is through experience. 

Or you can just dive into something and stick with it.

Nobody can tell you the answer because there isn't a 1 answer fits.

The things you described are not separate categories.... They might seem that way, but they are not...... It's all life!

Like the old saying  "where there's a will, there's a way"

Ego always wants to know everything and have the advantage.

There's no secret truth or better way of living life........free yourself from that belief and do what makes you happy and fulfilled......or don't!

It ultimately doesn't matter

❤️ 

[Oppositionless]

I'm becoming a bit of yoga evangelist lately but that's because it's changed my life very quickly for the better. Put simply, it can help you with both your egoic and spiritual goals without pushing you too far into dissolution territory if you're not ready for that (unless you do more advanced kriya techniques)!

[Yimpa]