Burnt out from always being the initiator.

[meta_male]

I’m realising I’m burnt out from always being the one who has to initiate connection.

For years I was the one trying to build a circle, reach out to friends, meet women, plan things. If I stop initiating my life goes quiet. I tried pulling back to see who would step up and sat with that. Mostly, nothing changed, I was just alone. I used weed to cope, which helped me tolerate the isolation, and even seek it. Meantime I've stepped away from it and without the numbing feel like I'm back at square one, only with far less energy than before.

I’m not looking for dating advice or put-yourself-out-there type of answers, I’ve done that and still do, but I have less and less capacity to carry all the social effort myself. If anyone here has navigated something similar, especially after long periods of isolation, I’d really appreciate your perspective.

[something_else]

I've been in this place before as well, where being sociable feels like work. If you find the right setup you can make it feel natural and fun instead.

The two key elements to building a vibrant social life that isn't draining are:

• Living in close proximity to your social group
• Meeting 1/2 very sociable people who naturally initiate group activity and bring the group together

The two times I've felt most naturally sociable without it feeling like work were when I was:

• solo backpacking
• staying in a built-to-rent apartment that organises social events and has a lot of common areas and public space.

When backpacking solo you tend to meet a lot of people and end up travelling together, you're often staying in hostels and spending a lot of time together without needing to actively initiate. This is really good for forming deeper connections.

Staying in a built-to-rent apartment you end up essentially living in the same building as your friends and this makes social stuff very easy and natural. They also organise a lot of social events which make it easy to meet people and result in you spending a lot of time with the same people.

In both cases there were one or two people in the group who would often be the ones initiating stuff because it comes naturally to them and for whatever reason it doesn't drain them.

[Dauntment]

Foremost I would say get 100% comfortable just BEING with yourself. Resolving that means you won't be operating from a "deficit" so you likely won't really care if "you're always being the initiator"

If you don't wanna look inward/do that personal work yet, then the alternative is just keep cycling through people until some stick lol

[Hojo]

@meta_maleStop pretending to be happy, people will initiate you as your silence and dullness offends their ego.

[Elliott]

A lot of people are not available in the way you want, they're preoccupied with other things. You have to find the right people, filter people. I find social people by volunteering, I like to help at parks, museums, festivals,.... I don't actively initiate like you framed it, I just enjoy being playful with everyone, and you just run across people you mesh with.

[meta_male]

21 hours ago, something_else said:

In both cases there were one or two people in the group who would often be the ones initiating stuff because it comes naturally to them and for whatever reason it doesn't drain them.

That's funny, I noticed the same with extroverted people. They just keep planning and initiating, almost regardless of friction. One of those friends once complained to me about how hard it is to get people together and I remember being genuinely surprised. I assumed he didn't even register that part.

Travelling solo is a good idea, somethign I never really got around to, partly due to being in relationships and partly low motivation when I was smoking weed.

2 hours ago, Dauntment said:

Foremost I would say get 100% comfortable just BEING with yourself. Resolving that means you won't be operating from a "deficit" so you likely won't really care if "you're always being the initiator"

Yeah, you're right, and I've actually spent a long time there. I'm comfortable being alone, probably as much as I can be. This is less about avoiding solitude and more about enjoying being around people and wanting to socialise while noticing I have much less capacity to be the one to carry initiation all the time. Especially on days when I’m already low or had a shit day, and then also have to plan things, only to find people already have other things going on or cancel last minute.

I've noticed this pattern when we hang out and talk about doing something a bit more active, some adventure-oriented plans, they tend to like the idea of it but when it comes to actually commit, plans slowly fall apart and I end up going alone.

@Hojo Can you clarify what you mean?

@Elliott Volunteering is something I've never done but it might be worth it. Have you actually built a circle through that or is it more meeting new people without much continuity?

[Elliott]

1 hour ago, meta_male said:

 

@Elliott Volunteering is something I've never done but it might be worth it. Have you actually built a circle through that or is it more meeting new people without much continuity?

Ya i did. I've found there's usually already circles there, and they're welcoming. Other people are looking for people like you too, just not everyone. Some recreational sports are quite social too, but that's been very hit or miss to me. I would just go through any groups that you would have any interest in, and lookup new ideas you may never have thought of, different cities have different lanes. People that use the MeetUp app seem to usually be looking to make a real friendship, maybe scan that for things that pique your interest at all. Try new things, I went to improv practices I had little interest in and they have a great community, it's fun too.

I haven't gone to them much, but there are Buddhist and humanist centers, a Unitarian church in my city that seemed like great and social people too. If you give some of your interests people might have ideas for you that you haven't thought of. There's some cafes that do some community things,....

Do you have isolating work? For myself, when I've been isolated I have found that I wind up needing way less socialization than I desired when I was isolated. I think finding people to do occasional stuff with, that actually seem to care about you is important though, life tends to be scary on your own. Just finding the first or first few people is probably the most meaningful. I never try to push or initiate like you say, I always just get a sense from people and then just be open, if I want to have lunch with them or whatever I ask, not really efforting, passive filtering, you only need to find one.

Edited Friday at 10:46 AM by Elliott

[Basman]

23 hours ago, something_else said:

Staying in a built-to-rent apartment you end up essentially living in the same building as your friends and this makes social stuff very easy and natural. They also organise a lot of social events which make it easy to meet people and result in you spending a lot of time with the same people.

The most social I've ever been was staying in a college dorm with a bunch of other 19-21 YO dumbasses. Socialization happens naturally when logistic align. 

[something_else]

19 minutes ago, Basman said:

The most social I've ever been was staying in a college dorm with a bunch of other 19-21 YO dumbasses. Socialization happens naturally when logistic align. 

Yea, I basically stay in the mature / young professional equivalent of a college dorm now. One of the best decisions I’ve ever made in my life. If you can afford it and you struggle to meet people I’d highly recommend it

[Valach]

1 hour ago, something_else said:

Yea, I basically stay in the mature / young professional equivalent of a college dorm now. One of the best decisions I’ve ever made in my life. If you can afford it and you struggle to meet people I’d highly recommend it

What is that?

[Basman]

Logistics is a core concept in Models by Mark Manson. Though it's focused on dating, logistics is equally true for forming and maintaining any other kind of relationship. Logistics is at least half the battle if not more, so to speak. 

[something_else]

21 hours ago, Valach said:

What is that?

Built to rent? Like an apartment building that has coworking spaces, a gym, lots of common areas and often puts on social events for residents