Escaping the Pick-Up Paradigm - Insight #2

[Zenterus]

I've been on a journey to transcend my pickup artist conditioning, after being entrenched in it for nearly 10 years.

I've spoken about this venture of mine in various posts in the past, but I've since realized that killing my pickup tendencies and beliefs is going to be a much harder dragon to slay than I anticipated.

Therefore, I decided to take it more seriously and devote a good chunk of my time getting to the root cause of it all and unwiring the paradigm at its core.

That's what this series of posts is going to be about:  Transcending Pick Up.

Previous post: https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/112821-escaping-the-pick-up-paradigm-insight-1/

-----ENTRY----

Had another shitty day at work. I feel burned out, angry at my manager, angry at the world, fearful, scared.

I decide to take a sick day off tomorrow and do some more edibles again tonight. I have to reflect. I feel like I'm at a deep crossroads in my life that I must unearth NOW. The main difference between this and my last post is that I'm writing this one while I'm fully in it. As in "high." So this is coming straight from the horse's mouth (the "horse" being the self in this current altered state).

Let's jump right in.

I'm a fucking asshole to women. Point. Blanc. Period. 

I treat them transactionally. I use them for sex. I objectify them with little to no regard to how they feel and how their experience with me might affect them in the future. I always thought of myself as someone that is above the average player because I don't lie to women about our relationship status and I'm transparent about my lifestyle. Bullshit. I've led so many women on throughout my life, discarded others after promising future hangouts as a way to bypass their objections against one night stands and have emotionally hurt even women who I deeply cared for and loved with my behavior.

I cannot fathom the level of trust issues, heartache and emotional pain I've caused in the women I've dated.

I'm horrified by the thought of it.

My recent problems with dating are a result of my inability to genuinely invest in a woman and risk potentially getting hurt or disappointed in the pursuit of the possible reward of a real connection. Instead I use game tactics as a distraction to what is actually called upon me to do: Be Vulnerable. 

It's really that simple.

Stop overcomplicating the process.

Here is basically what a pickup should look like from start to finish: 

1. APPROACH IN A NATURAL AND CASUAL NON DIRECT WAY AND ENGAGE IN A LOWKEY BACK AND FORTH.

2. CONVEY BUSYNESS (IM OFF DOING SOMETHING INTERESTING, FUN, IMPORTANT, WHATEVER) AND START THROWING IN SOME FLIRTATIOUS REMARKS TO SPIKE THE INTERACTION, BUT KEEP IT CASUAL AND SUBTLE

3. TALK FOR A BIT, VIBE AND GET HER TO QUALIFY HERSELF A LITTLE AND BUILD SOME BASIC COMPLIANCE AND INVESTMENT

4. GET INSTAGRAM OR NUMBER UNDER THE FRAME OF POTENTIAL FUTURE PLANS WITHIN A COUPLE OF MINUTES OF INTERACTING. TALK A LITTLE BIT MORE THEN BOUNCE.

5. IMMEDIATELY START TEXTING BACK AND FORTH, FOR A MINIMUM OF 2-3 DAYS. KEEP IT FUN, COMPLIMENTARY, ENGAGING AND INTERESTING WHILE STILL CASUAL AND LOW EFFORT.

6. START SEEDING THE IDEA OF AN ACTIVITY THAT YOU MIGHT BE DOING THIS WEEKEND AND GAUGE HER INTEREST IN IT OR CASUALLY MENTION THINGS YOU COULD DO TOGETHER BUT DO NOT LINGER ON IT. IMMEDIATELY CHANGE THE SUBJECT AND SEE HOW SHE REACTS

7. DO NOT ASK HER OUT BUT ASK WHAT SHE'S UP TO THAT WEEKEND AND SEE IF SHE MAKES HERSELF AVAILABLE OR MAINTAINS BUSYNESS

8. IF SHE IS BUSY, KEEP CHATTING AS IF NOTHING HAPPENED. IF SHE IS FREE CASUALLY INVITE

9. NEVER NEG OR OVERLY TEASE. RATHER, FOCUS ON KEEPING THE MOMENTUM GOING, MAINTAIN BUSYNESS AND SHARE VIDEOS AND PICS SHOWCASING AN INTERESTING LIFE AND SLOWLY START ASKING FOR THAT IN RETURN AS WELL TO BUILD MORE INVESTMENT.

10. AFTER THE FIRST HANGOUT, YOU CAN JUST START ASKING HER OUT MORE DIRECTLY AND BASICALLY CONTINUE DOING THAT AND ENJOYING EACH OTHER AS MORE INTIMACY BUILDS.

Done. Simple. Straight forward.

No manipulations, no push pulls, no BS. Just a man pursuing and truly investing in a woman genuinely without being needy or pushy. A woman who he actually really likes and finds deep value in pursuing. Not for the validation of it, but rather because his purpose in life demands it.

Beyond that, I need to start investing in a social circle and building a more exciting life around me. I cannot be waiting for my life to start in the future. My life starts now. 

Fuck all this pickup shit, seriously. Just be a normal dude. Get a fucking life and things will naturally happen.

I will be joining a kickboxing gym and/or salsa class, going to language cafes or classes, build my own biweekly meetup event, introduce my current friends to each other and make more of an effort to regularly see them and, yeah, go to bars and clubs but without the intention of pursuing women sexually, but just to socialize and make friends. This will fulfill me more than any sexual conquest ever will. I just know it. 

I also need to find a new job that nourishes me and that I'm proud to be in. My current job is becoming more and more draining as time goes on. I work long hours and I don't feel adequately compensated for the amount of energy and effort that it takes for me to run my day to day operations. So, yeah, a new job is in order. However, in the meantime, I have to talk to my manager and set some boundaries and come to an understanding with what I need in order to be able to work effectively and not burn out so frequently.

Also, I want to be more honest in general. I am too attached to the concept of being charismatic. Fuck that. Using charismatic expression deliberately is a symptom of not feeling good enough as is and ashamed of your natural ways of being. If I'm sad, then I'm sad. If I'm angry, then I'm angry. No hiding behind a friendly smile and no passive-aggressive behaviour. I lean on honesty and realness.

------------Thoughts from the next morning---------------

Here's another little thing I would like to share.

A big problem of mine is that I have a hard time fully embracing my emotional wounds when triggered. 

Whenever I'm high with the intent of unearthing my subconscious wounds, I immediately start edging or watching pornography to cope with the pain I feel inside. Sex has become a coping mechanism for me.

I'm not quite sure if this pain in my chest is something that I can ever resolve or whether I must learn new and healthier ways to cope with it, but being able to sit with it feels like the right path forward. Yet, it is so hard to do.

It would be very difficult to try and articulate what the wound says to me. What its message is. But perhaps I just haven't been brave enough to fully listen just yet.

I will try me best to do that today. I will sit and meditate on it.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

More insights to come

 

 

[Verdesbird]

I dont speak womans language,need pick-up assistence

[theleelajoker]

@Zenterus

I like your two posts in this topic. Guess it will help others to see the traps of pick up mindset, too.

One thing I want to add:

1. You say there are emotional wounds that are hard for you to get to 
2. IME, pick up mindset, and strategies and gaming about human interaction are often a result of 1.
3. You know strategize again with 10 points above. In a different, more loving way towards women - but what about yourself?

Drop ALL concepts. Drop ALL strategies. It's all mind stuff. You don't get to your emotions that way. 

I recommend 100% improv mindest. 100% going with flow of interaction.

Good luck!

Edited 8 hours ago by theleelajoker

[CARDOZZO]

Mode One

 

 

Edited 8 hours ago by CARDOZZO

[Miguel1]

There seems to be a lot of repressed anger coming out, which is understandable. I recommend giving that part much more attention. Perhaps you already are.

I notice there are still gamey stuff in your list of no gamey steps. Things like seeding, consciously getting her to qualify herself to you, and to invest in you. Texting 2-3 days and testing the waters etc — all these are part of game.

I am not saying not to qualify. But qualifying happens naturally when you have standards and are looking for a specific, higher quality woman. Vibe and feel her for 15 mins. If good, take number, with the premise of hanging out.

After number, chat couple messages, then go for the date setting. It doesnt have to be more complicated than that.

In fact, you could also set the date sometimes while talking to the girl, right there and then. Time and day.

[aurum]

12 hours ago, Zenterus said:

no push pulls

I get that it's important for you to deconstruct pickup. But there really is no way of getting around push-pulls.

Push-pull just is what flirting is.

You don't need to force it, but you're not getting rid of them either.

[aurum]

Pickup techniques are given to you because they demonstrate what actual good flirting looks like.

The point is not to ultimately destroy the techniques. The point is to make them natural and unconscious, rather than forced.

That's just called being an attractive man.

Edited 2 hours ago by aurum

[Zenterus]

19 minutes ago, aurum said:

Pickup techniques are given to you because they demonstrate what actual good flirting looks like.

The point is not to ultimately destroy the techniques. The point is to make them natural and unconscious, rather than forced.

That's just called being an attractive man.

I understand what pickup and being an attractive man is. I've been in it for 10 years at a very high level.

This post is about my growth and my own development from the level that I am, not the validity of pickup theory and its utility to men who have not undergone the journey.

If you ever see me give advice to anyone starting their journey, I am speaking in pickup terms and theory.

However, that whole realm is no longer useful to me and has become a hinderance to my evolution.

Edited 2 hours ago by Zenterus

[Zenterus]

28 minutes ago, aurum said:

I get that it's important for you to deconstruct pickup. But there really is no way of getting around push-pulls.

Push-pull just is what flirting is.

You don't need to force it, but you're not getting rid of them either.

Push pulls are no longer working for me. 

Techniques and tactics only work up to a certain level. When you become a high value guy to the bone, actually being nice and normal is the way to go because women already view you as attractive and crave your validation from the jump. 

If they work for you, then cool, that's the level you're at. 

[Miguel1]

Push-pull should be natural in the sense that there are things you don’t like about the girl, so you tease her about them or even push her harder away, depending on the things.

Then there are things you like about her, which then will make you pull towards you.

This is not a technique. It’s called being a high-quality human with standards and values.

[aurum]

1 hour ago, Zenterus said:

Push pulls are no longer working for me. 

Techniques and tactics only work up to a certain level. When you become a high value guy to the bone, actually being nice and normal is the way to go because women already view you as attractive and crave your validation from the jump. 

If they work for you, then cool, that's the level you're at. 

You just don't conceptualize it as push-pull.