3 Months in South East Asia: Socialising, Pickup, IFS and more

[riplo]

It's Day 6 - Currently on the plane to Chiang Mai

After 4 nights of bad sleep, so bad that I was entering paranoid delusion (as discussed) I still couldn't sleep on Day 5 night. I ended up getting only 3h.

I followed all the rules of good sleep hygiene.

• Wake up 11.30-1.30
• No caffeine after 2pm
• No naps
• Get back to private room 2.30am, deeply exhausted already 
• Low light and f.lux on phone
• Meditate stretch or read before bed
• Earplugs, eye mask, coldish room
• In bed at 3.30
• Lie down doing slow breaths and body scans

And every night I would lie there with my heart beating quickly, in a state of fight of flight for literally 4h+ without being able to relax fully or sleep.

One night I meditated lying down motionless for 2h before getting angry and moving.

I did not expect my body to have such a reaction to this place. My mind and soul felt healthy and capable, but my body had it's own reaction.

Looking back, it makes sense. New food, heat, bacteria, humidity, noise, chaos, bed, and new social environment in like 5 different ways.

It reminds me of when you get a new cat. You have to put it in a room and just expect it to hide for 5 days no matter how comfortable you make it's new environment. It's nervous system needs to adjust, no way to rush it.

Looking back I would have gotten myself a peaceful airbnb alone for 3 days before going to a party hostel.

Part of me was afraid I would close up socially on this trip, so overreacted by throwing me straight in the most uncomfortable social environment I could imagine. Acting out of such unconscious fears often backfires.

Anyway day 5 I kept it quiet and chill, I was just stopping myself falling asleep and giving my body a feeling of comfort and safety.

Spent most of the day alone, doing tourist stuff. Rode around on a boat, got a full 1h massage.

Then guess what, I went to hostel dinner again on Day 5. Made small talk and stayed all the way to the drinking game I went crazy about on day 4. Turns out, it wasn't even a drinking game. It was just some game throwing balls around on a pool table. I played with everyone and despite being tired it was fun.

So that whole thing yesterday, that felt like a life and death situation requiring jumping out the window, was actually completely fictional and had zero grounding in reality.

Then finally last night, I got a full 9h sleep. It felt so good, like finding water in the desert. I still feel kind of strange, but generally conscious and much better than yesterday. I'm excited for chiang mai!!!

Also one of the girls working at the hostel was so fucking hot... it's just shocking

[riplo]

Day 7

It has dawned on me that what I am doing here is true spirituality, or at least truer than I have ever done till now.

It is one thing to stay connected to presence, to being, to the body, to remain as the witness, when you're on a meditation cushion, safe somewhere alone in a room.

It is another to stay connected to it, to try and bring it into your thoughts word and action, when you're out there, constantly scared and reacting, mind and body going crazy, shit flying everywhere.

[Butters]

12 hours ago, riplo said:

Day 7

It has dawned on me that what I am doing here is true spirituality, or at least truer than I have ever done till now.

It is one thing to stay connected to presence, to being, to the body, to remain as the witness, when you're on a meditation cushion, safe somewhere alone in a room.

It is another to stay connected to it, to try and bring it into your thoughts word and action, when you're out there, constantly scared and reacting, mind and body going crazy, shit flying everywhere.

I feel you man, I feel the same right now. Stress, and it's pouring rain. Lots of uncertainty in these kinds of situations. Gotta tap from within and start living in the desired reality right now

[riplo]

@Butters For sure man. Wishing you success 🙏

Day 8

Following something_else' advice I have moved to a not party hostel. This is exactly what I needed. Party hostels I will return to once I have regained some stability.

I'm so grateful for my friends and family back home. They are so loving, so accepting, wise and honest and funny and thoughtful.

 

Some quotes from Conversations with God that keep swirling in mind:

• reaction vs creation - the only difference is the c, so reaction from past experience can become creation of new experience when you c (see) clearly

I'm trying to be present and look around, so I can see these social situations for what they really are. If I can really see them as they are, Vs what my conditioned mind projects onto them, I can move past fear and choose a new way of acting.

• If you don't go within, you go without
• There's a difference between what is Natural and what is Normal. Normal is just something commonly done. Natural is what you are when you're not trying to be normal. I tell you this: nothing is more natural than love

Edited Friday at 07:33 PM by riplo

[something_else]

@riplo Also don’t forget to have fun  I know you’re viewing this as a growth opportunity but primarily just focus on doing the stuff you enjoy and find fun while you’re out there and the rest will fall into place. Solo travel is meant to be about fun, freedom, Independence, learning how to let go, relax, not overthink things and just be in the moment. It’s about learning that you are your own person and other people’s thoughts and actions don’t define who you are.

Not everything has to be sociable. Go and do stuff yourself wanna do by yourself and learn to enjoy it without a sense of shame. If you try to be sociable all the time you will burn out quickly.

I found that going to a nice street food restaurant by yourself and then sitting in the plastic chairs on the side of the street and people watching was one of the best ways to socially reset.

Place no pressure on yourself to do anything, just sit and enjoy good food and watch the world go by. Let your nervous system relax and realise that you have nothing to worry about in that exact moment and that you are safe.

Edited yesterday at 02:21 PM by something_else

[riplo]

 Day 10

I will be posting less often, every 2-4 days.

The past few days have been so beautiful. Not on the outside but on the inside. The fears and self doubt I have faced and overcome. The inspiration and love I have felt. The motivation I have dug for and found.

There is too much to write so I'll just select a few juicy bits.

 

I am settling in now. Made lots of friends at this hostel I'm in and have been going out on excursions with them.

My sleep is still fucking me up. I'm going to take even more responsibility for it and do everything I can to sleep well from now on. I have some ideas.

Yesterday morning I had an insight that will change my life going forward (unless I forget it)

Goes like this:

    Reading the War of Art (must read book for anyone trying to do anything like this) and the IFS book something clicked:  
    - I am deeply scared of fear and resistance itself, and see it as wrong
    - When I go out, I'm not just confronting Resistance in making the decision to go out. I'm confronting it in every approach, every new set, every awkward moment when I want to eject, every hour spent at the club, every time I start worrying what people think of me
     
    - For the past few months, I have seen this as bad: 'I have done this so many times! Why do I feel like shit?! There must be something wrong with me, I can't do it in this state, I need to heal first, I need better sleep, I can't handle being out here when I'm like this, I need to be happy' 
    - This a mental model that sees fear and resistance as bad, and resists it. What you resist persists 
 
    - Such fear and resistance is not a sign of something wrong with me that needs to be fixed. It's an inevitable part of growing 
     
    - The approach is to accept it and act with it still inside me, accepting being miserable and that's ok 
    - It's not a bug, it's a feature 
    - Trying to get rid of it in order to be happy is simply an incorrect view of what growth is like 
 
    - This squares with IFS. Rather than telling my scared parts they are wrong for feeling what they feel, I unblend and accept and fully feel the fear, and act with it, rather than trying to repress it 
 
    - This is why I got more success with, and had more fun doing, game from month 3 to 6, because I got some skills, while accepting fear and resistance was inevitable and kept pushing through endlessly. At some point I decided 'I should be above feeling this fear' and that's when it got difficult.

 

Bang and just like that, I have changed my whole view of what this journey will look like, and began taking more action.

Yesterday I made friends with everyone at my hostel and went out with them to a bar. Cycled through many states of feeling open and social then scared closed and like a loser talking to no-one. But I stayed for the whole thing, feeling the resistance in my body and knowing that this is growth.

I chose to volunteer for Karaoke. Sung I Miss You blink182 by myself, in a state of total fear. It was god awful, awkward, cringeworthy, all the drunk happy people actually left the dance floor together halfway through, my friends sat away not looking hahahaha. I got off that microphone feeling like I had shredded my reputation, it felt bad, I was shaking. But deep down I got satisfaction knowing I had faced resistance and come out the other side. I did a bit of night game after and it was great.

I did some more tonight and it felt good too. It feels tantalising, I want more!

Many other things happened. Small things, that felt meaningful and beautiful. I'm excited for what is to come.

“Remember, the Muse favors working stiffs. She hates prima donnas.”
— Steven Pressfield, The War of Art

Edited 21 hours ago by riplo