How to love a girl without developing ONEITIS? Loving without Attachment...

[Emerald]

It's honestly a silly thing to assume you must choose between your purpose or a relationship. The latter will only help the former.

Honestly, you will need a strong social support system if you want to achieve something great.

Trying to forego relationships and friendships for your life's purpose is like trying to forego food for your life's purpose... as you're taking away necessary support and fuel.

But if you love someone and you're monogamous with that person, then it's good thing to have one-itis. It's really the only way to have that kind of relationship. Sod whatever the internet says on the matter.

But if you just want to date around, then do that. But don't get too attached to that person.

Keep your goal in mind relative to how you want to approach dating, relationships, and sexuality.

Do you want a monogamous committed and loving relationships? Then develop one-itis.

Do you want to date around and have a bunch of sexual escapades with many people? Then either get into a polyamorous open relationship with the person you love (if they're okay with it) or let them go and go meet a bunch of people for brief flings.

[Rasheed]

13 hours ago, Emerald said:

It's honestly a silly thing to assume you must choose between your purpose or a relationship. The latter will only help the former.

Honestly, you will need a strong social support system if you want to achieve something great.

Trying to forego relationships and friendships for your life's purpose is like trying to forego food for your life's purpose... as you're taking away necessary support and fuel.

But if you love someone and you're monogamous with that person, then it's good thing to have one-itis. It's really the only way to have that kind of relationship. Sod whatever the internet says on the matter.

But if you just want to date around, then do that. But don't get too attached to that person.

Keep your goal in mind relative to how you want to approach dating, relationships, and sexuality.

Do you want a monogamous committed and loving relationships? Then develop one-itis.

Do you want to date around and have a bunch of sexual escapades with many people? Then either get into a polyamorous open relationship with the person you love (if they're okay with it) or let them go and go meet a bunch of people for brief flings.

Thank you for the answer, it was really helpful.

I agree, it’s silly to choose between life purpose and relationships…I only realized after my LTR ended recently.

With respect to monogamous LTR and one-itis, I am still contemplating that. It’s ridiculous how Red Pill Manosphere doesn’t talk about how, in the end, loving LTR necessitates one to get into one-itis to certain extent, as you highlighted…Yet, Red Pill is right in highlighting that one-itis is detrimental.
 

That’s why I asked the above question (question of the post) as breakups and heartbreaks are super painful and can very easily divert one from one’s purpose

[bazera]

@Rasheed

Quote

It’s ridiculous how Red Pill Manosphere doesn’t talk about how, in the end, loving LTR necessitates one to get into one-itis to certain extent, as you highlighted…Yet, Red Pill is right in highlighting that one-itis is detrimental.

They demonize attachment and long term commitement because it's not in their survival agenda. It's a useful framework for certain phase of our lives, but those dudes make Red Pill their life philosophy and can't let it go even after they exhaust that need.

Just look at RedPill and whole Oneitis thing (its their invention) as one framework of looking at dating and relating to women. 

I think a healthier lense is looking at it from Attachment Styles perspective. It explains things better. And if you go from anxsious / avoidant to secure attachment yourself (after all the work on youself, growing up and cleaning up mostly, maybe some waking up), whole oneitis thing might become irrelevant.

So the point is not to demonize and avoid attachment (oneitis), the point is to work towards healthier forms of attachment.

[Mayonnaise]

@Rasheed one of the best ways is to limit the amount of time you spend with her. Once or twice a week is ideal. No, monogamy is basically oneitis. You are centering your life around her happiness/fulfilment in the relationship. Monogamy is great and all (if it works for you) but I don't think men are biologically wired to be monogamous. just societally programmed for it. Think about it. We generate millions of sperm daily or so, and women have limited number of eggs. From a biological standpoint men are wired to spread seed and women are wired to find the best mate possible (survival + replication value) this could be genes, resources, social/sexual proof, emotional strength or a completely scumbag like, not give a fuck attitude (which satisfies hypergamy but in a different way) etc. or could be a blend of all these things. Women look for different things at different stages in their lives. 

You have to know what you want and become the version of yourself that suits that vision. But in terms of oneitis, the single most effective way to prevent it is to have multiple women. 2-3 at least.

Women will look for reasons to leave men, so all you should really do is be selfish enough to make sure you can still be happy without sacrificing your mental/emotional state. But at the same time don't use women as sex objects. they are people too.

Of course there are many many successful monogamous marriages out there, so its never black and white, its a spectrum. You can also have a one-way open relationship. There are many of those out there where the man can see multiple women but the woman can't see other men. Sounds unfair and fucked up. But we are polar opposites and many women are ok with it even though it can be emotionally tough at times for them (so reassurance and being truthful and being there for her is important)

Never try to open a monogamous relationship, it usually always fails. it has to be set up with the proper structure from the start.

If you don't live with her, you probably shouldn't give a shit what she does. But if you live with her, thats basically being married in terms of lifestyle so if it comes to that you could always lay out how you want the relationship structure to be. Oneitis essentially foregoes all of that because you are putting her wants/needs before your own. its a delicate balance. you don't want to take advantage of her. theres no perfect way to do it. just know what you want.

[Natasha Tori Maru]

On 10/10/2025 at 11:45 PM, Lyubov said:

Dude you are going to grieve and be heartbroken if you actually love a woman and break up. It will be something you revisit again and again at different points in life. What you’re asking is kinda silly. It’s like you want all the reward but at no risk. If you really fall in love with a woman, loss goes hand in hand with that. Why else would you care then? If you don’t want any other responsibilities and want to solely focus on your LP and you believe how you’re going about it is the right way, then avoid relationships. If you value relationships and want to have one as well as your LP, then find some balance between them and don’t use the relationship as something to blame when your LP doesn’t go exactly how you want it to.

This.

I don't like all these strategies to 'avoid' necessarily - it will calcify you into not living, having no experience. The point is experience. And the point about value assessment is very valid also. I will add - do not assume values are fixed either. Humans are fickle. You might one day wake up and think 'Fuck it, I'ma change this shit up!'

I would say to OP: don't fear attachment and then loss. It is part of life. Everything ends. Everything has its season. Cycle of life.

Instead, trust that whatever happens you WILL make it through. Trust that you are strong enough. You will survive and bounce back. And dive headfirst into life & love because whatever happens you will always make it work. Until you die - in which case you won't care about any of these worries anymore  

[Rasheed]

11 hours ago, Mayonnaise said:

@Rasheed one of the best ways is to limit the amount of time you spend with her. Once or twice a week is ideal. No, monogamy is basically oneitis. You are centering your life around her happiness/fulfilment in the relationship. Monogamy is great and all (if it works for you) but I don't think men are biologically wired to be monogamous. just societally programmed for it. Think about it. We generate millions of sperm daily or so, and women have limited number of eggs. From a biological standpoint men are wired to spread seed and women are wired to find the best mate possible (survival + replication value) this could be genes, resources, social/sexual proof, emotional strength or a completely scumbag like, not give a fuck attitude (which satisfies hypergamy but in a different way) etc. or could be a blend of all these things. Women look for different things at different stages in their lives. 

You have to know what you want and become the version of yourself that suits that vision. But in terms of oneitis, the single most effective way to prevent it is to have multiple women. 2-3 at least.

Women will look for reasons to leave men, so all you should really do is be selfish enough to make sure you can still be happy without sacrificing your mental/emotional state. But at the same time don't use women as sex objects. they are people too.

Of course there are many many successful monogamous marriages out there, so its never black and white, its a spectrum. You can also have a one-way open relationship. There are many of those out there where the man can see multiple women but the woman can't see other men. Sounds unfair and fucked up. But we are polar opposites and many women are ok with it even though it can be emotionally tough at times for them (so reassurance and being truthful and being there for her is important)

Never try to open a monogamous relationship, it usually always fails. it has to be set up with the proper structure from the start.

If you don't live with her, you probably shouldn't give a shit what she does. But if you live with her, thats basically being married in terms of lifestyle so if it comes to that you could always lay out how you want the relationship structure to be. Oneitis essentially foregoes all of that because you are putting her wants/needs before your own. its a delicate balance. you don't want to take advantage of her. theres no perfect way to do it. just know what you want.

I met my ex-girlfriend in LTR twice a week, and still ended up with oneitis post breakup…

[bazera]

@Mayonnaise

Quote

one of the best ways is to limit the amount of time you spend with her. Once or twice a week is ideal.

Do you think that is realistic? Over time she will probably require you to see her more often. 

[UnbornTao]

Yeah, Mayonnaise.