Kinda Got What I Wanted And It Left Me Depressed

[The Caretaker]

1.5 months ago, I moved out to dedicate my time to socializing. Here is the past where I described my early stages - 

 

And now, where does this leave me:

• One entire week, I had nightmares because I was convinced my reputation was ruined after a "massive" day of cold approach (it wasn't, not even close)
• Got sick 2 times in a month after some emotional turmoil (one around the reputation stuff, another later from very bad sleep)
• Lost all momentum with my gym routine
• Lost most pleasure from my day job
• Triggered my old dating wounds after 1 week of situationship, where we had sex for like 2 days, and then she broke up with me because we were "incompatible"  and could not relax around me
• For reasons too long to describe here, I lost touch with my last 2 close friends. Tried to make contact and create new friendships, but the process is slow, and my emotional state is already fucked up
• Have no hobbies left that I could enjoy
• Today had 2 dreams that showed me morally where I am at. One where I connected with an old friend of mine (we were not compatible for years, but had the personal development bone that kept us together for years). Another was where my "ex" cheated with me on her boyfriend. And this dream was mostly condescending from her part, idk, it's hard to explain. Was more nostalgia and pettiness rather than lust.

Literally, all I am left with now is a pickup guy with whom I talk often, but this is no replacement for real friendship. We are mostly in here for results.

 

I have no consistent safe place to vent. I have nobody who could listen to me. And I am already quite an individualistic person to begin with, who often does not even look for help. It got so bad a few weeks ago that I had a dialogue with ChatGPT and cried so hard I could barely contain myself. Maybe my worst outburst from the past 5-10 years.

 

At this point, I don't know what I want. I feel the most miserable I have ever been for a long time. Even tho I am completely functional. All I want to do is work. I don't even want to take care of my body. I just want to work, work, work and achieve financial independence; nothing else even remotely gives me a burst of motivation.

 

I am not even looking for particular advice. Just wanted to vent. Peace to you and much patience.

[theleelajoker]

Feeling better after vent?

[The Caretaker]

For now, yes.

[theleelajoker]

Great. Now that you're feeling better here's my advice for you:

[Peo]

On 30.8.2025 at 8:54 PM, The Caretaker said:

One entire week, I had nightmares because I was convinced my reputation was ruined after a "massive" day of cold approach (it wasn't, not even close)

Let me tell you something most people only care about themselves so they will forget you even exist the next day, even more true if they drink alcohol when going to bars or clubs. I can only remember the faces of 20 girls i have talked out of 160. I don't even remember them or think about any of them. 

[Lucasxp64]

Social romantic/sexual stuff is really my kryptonate, it leads my mind into a terrible state like nothing else. Pushing out of my comfort zone when it comes to dating is crushing to me. Specially when that pushes you away from other things you enjoy.

When it happens for me when my mind is focused on dating stuff, and it starts going badly, due to the emotional intensity, it derails my flow for everything else in my life, and it takes me at least 2 weeks time, up to 6 months when it was really bad.

[theleelajoker]

6 hours ago, Lucasxp64 said:

Social romantic/sexual stuff is really my kryptonate, it leads my mind into a terrible state like nothing else. Pushing out of my comfort zone when it comes to dating is crushing to me. Specially when that pushes you away from other things you enjoy.

When it happens for me when my mind is focused on dating stuff, and it starts going badly, due to the emotional intensity, it derails my flow for everything else in my life, and it takes me at least 2 weeks time, up to 6 months when it was really bad.

Lol I found myself in your comment 

Casually dating is fine, but the emotional intensity in relationships can be high for me too! And when it goes wrong it derails a lot for me as well, also up to 6 months when it was very intense / bad break up.

@Lucasxp64 out of curiosity: do you have the feeling or took your ex equally long to process or did they do it much faster?

For me, in almost all cases it seemed that they moved on much faster than I did.  Maybe different personality, but I also wonder if they ever really processed it or just moved on but the emotions still stuck somewhere...

 

Edited September 9 by theleelajoker

[Lucasxp64]

2 hours ago, theleelajoker said:

 

@Lucasxp64 out of curiosity: do you have the feeling or took your ex equally long to process or did they do it much faster?

 

They always do it much faster, because those chicks are always moving to some dude, they can't be still on their own by themselves for too long.

I end up just going into hermit mode after some emotional turmoil to process it.

But recently, I've also recognized looking for connection after a break up can be also good, if done in a comfy way, but that can become another form of being stuck in a comfort zone.

[theleelajoker]

I think many of my ex moved to a new guy, but not all. Sometimes of course I don't know what she did.

I did hermit mode and in hindsight I missed out on life a bit too much unnecessarily. But I was as ready as I could be for the next woman.

When I looked for other connections I realized I didn't fully process but distracted myself a bit. But I had great experiences and met lots of interesting people.

So...it's life nothing is black or white 

[Hojo]

This will happen everytime you get what you want.

[The Caretaker]

On 03/09/2025 at 10:31 PM, Peo said:

Let me tell you something most people only care about themselves so they will forget you even exist the next day, even more true if they drink alcohol when going to bars or clubs. I can only remember the faces of 20 girls i have talked out of 160. I don't even remember them or think about any of them. 

I am sure this is true even for sober daygame. But in my mind, it felt like it was over.

 

On 09/09/2025 at 6:24 PM, Lucasxp64 said:

Social romantic/sexual stuff is really my kryptonate, it leads my mind into a terrible state like nothing else. Pushing out of my comfort zone when it comes to dating is crushing to me. Specially when that pushes you away from other things you enjoy.

When it happens for me when my mind is focused on dating stuff, and it starts going badly, due to the emotional intensity, it derails my flow for everything else in my life, and it takes me at least 2 weeks time, up to 6 months when it was really bad.

I kinda learned to deal with it recently. Its not even rejection or dating that feel bad for me, but mostly just a feeling of not belonging. Also, after my first ever breakup, I got so much motivation that I changed my life in unspeakable ways. So it's not always bad.

 

On 12/09/2025 at 6:30 AM, Hojo said:

This will happen everytime you get what you want.

Yes, but I still have to burn this karma.

Today I met an acquaintance. He is literally everything I want to be. He is the same age, but he is looking better than me, has slept with many women, and had an awakening through meditation and psychedelics, and traveled the world. But guess what? From what I've heard superficially from a discussion with a close friend of his, he was somewhat depressed for the last 3 months.

No amount of success makes you immune. Even spiritual "success".

[The Caretaker]

Also, a very, very important update.

 

 

I feel like I belong nowhere.

 

 

I was crying about not having friends. And guess what? I met a local pickup guy who is much, much more chill, and we vibed a lot. Also, after I contacted another new friend, he literally invited me to an outside the city picnic/camping.

I met like 10-15 new people. We had vibes, food, and even weed that I refused. Everybody was ultra friendly or/and spiritual. I felt really good and refreshed there. But on my way home, I felt like I didn't belong again. As if their life will be much better without me.

I mean, they hugged me, said how good my company was, but I could not believe any of their words. I don't feel like I have any place in this world. I feel so deeply unloved that every time I feel a remote chance to prove this wrong, I start putting the brakes on my own progress.

I cry and shout and feel anger. And it is not even that hard to trigger. Even right now, I just remind myself of this interaction, and I start to cry again.

Idk, this wound is so deeply ingrained that I feel I would rather die than heal it. I know for a fact that they have magic mushrooms or LSD, but Idk if this will fuck me up even more or give a slight chance to heal.

 

I think this video is a perfect representation of both my past AND the words I have never heard in my life. I watched it more than 50 times, and every time I get emotional.

 

[Lucasxp64]

@The Caretaker

Oh my god, this video is so sad. I re-watched many times right now. This is how I actually feel deep down when I'm seeking for women, porn, etc. In a way that is just meant to fill that void, specially lust. Makes me remember of me last week I was using it as an ego back-lash.

To me engaging in masturbation too much is the canary in the mine of my mental health, but it can become this vicious cycle of becoming the cause itself of more mental health degradation through the dopamine pull, through the isolation it causes.

Like that kid in the room, wasting himself away in masturbating over degenerate TikTok. His body frail and fat, and mind degraded to the point he couldn't even get a real girlfriend from extreme social/emotional atrophy from all the gooning sucking his vital energy.

We feel POWERFUL when we jerk off to some hot chicks online, yet it's the opposite. WE ARE THE PREY.

Our spirits weakened by lust, that once evolutionary was at least meant for procration, then societally meant for creating wife and family, then for mutual enjoyment in a person-to-person sexual and emotional relationship, then finally its final, must degenerate form, gooning until your lifeforce gets sucked out of you, as your last ditch effort to at least feel some nervous system stimulation that your brain naturally needs unless trained otherwise, now just completely hijacked by the law of least resistance due to our inner lack of emotional strength, that we generally build through developing healthy habits and connections.

We didn't give ourselves that emotional strength, that love. The TikTok whore is giving that to us, but enslaving us.

Even if none of this is so dramatic, in reality, the compounding effect of having hours wasted on this can be dramatic overtime. The constant loss of momentum through the day or the course of a week with crap like that drains that extra 20% of energy we need to really push ourselves out of the comfort zone into whatever we need: Dating, Building Skills, Meditation, Spirituality.

That energy is needed.

Edited September 14 by Lucasxp64

[Peo]

14 hours ago, The Caretaker said:

But in my mind, it felt like it was over.

Your mind is the real enemy in dating.

[Wilhelm44]

Firstly, acknowledge yourself for getting out there and taking the risks to get your needs met. Secondly, the fact that all of this brought up some unwanted feelings is exactly what was meant to happen. Moving to the next level, is always on the other side of feelings that we are trying to avoid.

@The Caretaker