Kinda Got What I Wanted And It Left Me Depressed

[The Caretaker]

1.5 months ago, I moved out to dedicate my time to socializing. Here is the past where I described my early stages - 

 

And now, where does this leave me:

• One entire week, I had nightmares because I was convinced my reputation was ruined after a "massive" day of cold approach (it wasn't, not even close)
• Got sick 2 times in a month after some emotional turmoil (one around the reputation stuff, another later from very bad sleep)
• Lost all momentum with my gym routine
• Lost most pleasure from my day job
• Triggered my old dating wounds after 1 week of situationship, where we had sex for like 2 days, and then she broke up with me because we were "incompatible"  and could not relax around me
• For reasons too long to describe here, I lost touch with my last 2 close friends. Tried to make contact and create new friendships, but the process is slow, and my emotional state is already fucked up
• Have no hobbies left that I could enjoy
• Today had 2 dreams that showed me morally where I am at. One where I connected with an old friend of mine (we were not compatible for years, but had the personal development bone that kept us together for years). Another was where my "ex" cheated with me on her boyfriend. And this dream was mostly condescending from her part, idk, it's hard to explain. Was more nostalgia and pettiness rather than lust.

Literally, all I am left with now is a pickup guy with whom I talk often, but this is no replacement for real friendship. We are mostly in here for results.

 

I have no consistent safe place to vent. I have nobody who could listen to me. And I am already quite an individualistic person to begin with, who often does not even look for help. It got so bad a few weeks ago that I had a dialogue with ChatGPT and cried so hard I could barely contain myself. Maybe my worst outburst from the past 5-10 years.

 

At this point, I don't know what I want. I feel the most miserable I have ever been for a long time. Even tho I am completely functional. All I want to do is work. I don't even want to take care of my body. I just want to work, work, work and achieve financial independence; nothing else even remotely gives me a burst of motivation.

 

I am not even looking for particular advice. Just wanted to vent. Peace to you and much patience.

[theleelajoker]

Feeling better after vent?

[The Caretaker]

For now, yes.

[theleelajoker]

Great. Now that you're feeling better here's my advice for you:

[Peo]

On 30.8.2025 at 8:54 PM, The Caretaker said:

One entire week, I had nightmares because I was convinced my reputation was ruined after a "massive" day of cold approach (it wasn't, not even close)

Let me tell you something most people only care about themselves so they will forget you even exist the next day, even more true if they drink alcohol when going to bars or clubs. I can only remember the faces of 20 girls i have talked out of 160. I don't even remember them or think about any of them. 

[Lucasxp64]

Social romantic/sexual stuff is really my kryptonate, it leads my mind into a terrible state like nothing else. Pushing out of my comfort zone when it comes to dating is crushing to me. Specially when that pushes you away from other things you enjoy.

When it happens for me when my mind is focused on dating stuff, and it starts going badly, due to the emotional intensity, it derails my flow for everything else in my life, and it takes me at least 2 weeks time, up to 6 months when it was really bad.

[theleelajoker]

6 hours ago, Lucasxp64 said:

Social romantic/sexual stuff is really my kryptonate, it leads my mind into a terrible state like nothing else. Pushing out of my comfort zone when it comes to dating is crushing to me. Specially when that pushes you away from other things you enjoy.

When it happens for me when my mind is focused on dating stuff, and it starts going badly, due to the emotional intensity, it derails my flow for everything else in my life, and it takes me at least 2 weeks time, up to 6 months when it was really bad.

Lol I found myself in your comment 

Casually dating is fine, but the emotional intensity in relationships can be high for me too! And when it goes wrong it derails a lot for me as well, also up to 6 months when it was very intense / bad break up.

@Lucasxp64 out of curiosity: do you have the feeling or took your ex equally long to process or did they do it much faster?

For me, in almost all cases it seemed that they moved on much faster than I did.  Maybe different personality, but I also wonder if they ever really processed it or just moved on but the emotions still stuck somewhere...

 

Edited September 9 by theleelajoker

[Lucasxp64]

2 hours ago, theleelajoker said:

 

@Lucasxp64 out of curiosity: do you have the feeling or took your ex equally long to process or did they do it much faster?

 

They always do it much faster, because those chicks are always moving to some dude, they can't be still on their own by themselves for too long.

I end up just going into hermit mode after some emotional turmoil to process it.

But recently, I've also recognized looking for connection after a break up can be also good, if done in a comfy way, but that can become another form of being stuck in a comfort zone.

[theleelajoker]

I think many of my ex moved to a new guy, but not all. Sometimes of course I don't know what she did.

I did hermit mode and in hindsight I missed out on life a bit too much unnecessarily. But I was as ready as I could be for the next woman.

When I looked for other connections I realized I didn't fully process but distracted myself a bit. But I had great experiences and met lots of interesting people.

So...it's life nothing is black or white 

[Hojo]

This will happen everytime you get what you want.

[The Caretaker]

On 03/09/2025 at 10:31 PM, Peo said:

Let me tell you something most people only care about themselves so they will forget you even exist the next day, even more true if they drink alcohol when going to bars or clubs. I can only remember the faces of 20 girls i have talked out of 160. I don't even remember them or think about any of them. 

I am sure this is true even for sober daygame. But in my mind, it felt like it was over.

 

On 09/09/2025 at 6:24 PM, Lucasxp64 said:

Social romantic/sexual stuff is really my kryptonate, it leads my mind into a terrible state like nothing else. Pushing out of my comfort zone when it comes to dating is crushing to me. Specially when that pushes you away from other things you enjoy.

When it happens for me when my mind is focused on dating stuff, and it starts going badly, due to the emotional intensity, it derails my flow for everything else in my life, and it takes me at least 2 weeks time, up to 6 months when it was really bad.

I kinda learned to deal with it recently. Its not even rejection or dating that feel bad for me, but mostly just a feeling of not belonging. Also, after my first ever breakup, I got so much motivation that I changed my life in unspeakable ways. So it's not always bad.

 

On 12/09/2025 at 6:30 AM, Hojo said:

This will happen everytime you get what you want.

Yes, but I still have to burn this karma.

Today I met an acquaintance. He is literally everything I want to be. He is the same age, but he is looking better than me, has slept with many women, and had an awakening through meditation and psychedelics, and traveled the world. But guess what? From what I've heard superficially from a discussion with a close friend of his, he was somewhat depressed for the last 3 months.

No amount of success makes you immune. Even spiritual "success".

[The Caretaker]

Also, a very, very important update.

 

 

I feel like I belong nowhere.

 

 

I was crying about not having friends. And guess what? I met a local pickup guy who is much, much more chill, and we vibed a lot. Also, after I contacted another new friend, he literally invited me to an outside the city picnic/camping.

I met like 10-15 new people. We had vibes, food, and even weed that I refused. Everybody was ultra friendly or/and spiritual. I felt really good and refreshed there. But on my way home, I felt like I didn't belong again. As if their life will be much better without me.

I mean, they hugged me, said how good my company was, but I could not believe any of their words. I don't feel like I have any place in this world. I feel so deeply unloved that every time I feel a remote chance to prove this wrong, I start putting the brakes on my own progress.

I cry and shout and feel anger. And it is not even that hard to trigger. Even right now, I just remind myself of this interaction, and I start to cry again.

Idk, this wound is so deeply ingrained that I feel I would rather die than heal it. I know for a fact that they have magic mushrooms or LSD, but Idk if this will fuck me up even more or give a slight chance to heal.

 

I think this video is a perfect representation of both my past AND the words I have never heard in my life. I watched it more than 50 times, and every time I get emotional.

 

[Lucasxp64]

@The Caretaker

Oh my god, this video is so sad. I re-watched many times right now. This is how I actually feel deep down when I'm seeking for women, porn, etc. In a way that is just meant to fill that void, specially lust. Makes me remember of me last week I was using it as an ego back-lash.

To me engaging in masturbation too much is the canary in the mine of my mental health, but it can become this vicious cycle of becoming the cause itself of more mental health degradation through the dopamine pull, through the isolation it causes.

Like that kid in the room, wasting himself away in masturbating over degenerate TikTok. His body frail and fat, and mind degraded to the point he couldn't even get a real girlfriend from extreme social/emotional atrophy from all the gooning sucking his vital energy.

We feel POWERFUL when we jerk off to some hot chicks online, yet it's the opposite. WE ARE THE PREY.

Our spirits weakened by lust, that once evolutionary was at least meant for procration, then societally meant for creating wife and family, then for mutual enjoyment in a person-to-person sexual and emotional relationship, then finally its final, must degenerate form, gooning until your lifeforce gets sucked out of you, as your last ditch effort to at least feel some nervous system stimulation that your brain naturally needs unless trained otherwise, now just completely hijacked by the law of least resistance due to our inner lack of emotional strength, that we generally build through developing healthy habits and connections.

We didn't give ourselves that emotional strength, that love. The TikTok whore is giving that to us, but enslaving us.

Even if none of this is so dramatic, in reality, the compounding effect of having hours wasted on this can be dramatic overtime. The constant loss of momentum through the day or the course of a week with crap like that drains that extra 20% of energy we need to really push ourselves out of the comfort zone into whatever we need: Dating, Building Skills, Meditation, Spirituality.

That energy is needed.

Edited September 14 by Lucasxp64

[Peo]

14 hours ago, The Caretaker said:

But in my mind, it felt like it was over.

Your mind is the real enemy in dating.

[T_i_m]

Funny. I'm the same age and I'm in a very similar situation. For the last month and a half of the summer my lifestyle  changed drastically, it became much more social and eventful after ages of staying at home and not talking to new people. And technically I got everything I wanted to get this year, hit all the goals. Although there was always some catch that made it bittersweet. Maybe I'll get into the details another time.

But by the end of that time I got too stressed, with insomnia and night terrors.
While trying to fall asleep I felt lonely and desperate. And I though that I suffer because I don't have close people in my life and that someone close is what I need the most. So I was ready to fall in love with anyone who would have good vibes with me and some things in common.

Things changed after a night that  felt like break-up because in seemed to me that I fumbled  a very important and amazing romantic opportunity by somehow missing all the chances to move things forward  and missing some obvious sub communications on her part over a few days until her interest moved on to somebody else. Maybe a lot of it was only in my head, but it was painful anyway at the moment, considering the desperation for someone close that I mentioned. It felt like she could finally be that person. I even rewatched  Leo's break-up video the next day.

Next day I was thinking damn, it'll be hard to meet a girl like that again. Next thing you know - I'm going to a club to party the misery away. I see a girl that I like the most in the whole club. I'm saying to myself that I have to do something, to not be lonely, that's why I'm here.  I approach her and she's amazing, we have  great connection, a lot of things in common, she's gorgeous,  we talk and share many thing, she seems very close to me in spirit. Now I see like  yeah turns out there are a lot of great girls out there, it was like the universe was answering to my concern. The girl  left though, either my game could be better, oh she got sober and had a change of mind (she had a boyfriend or sth). I'd say it's both. Still it was an enjoyable experience and now I wasn't sad so much about the previous girl, cause I was sad about  the new girl. It seemed next day that some women in public places started staring at me. Like did I have some change in my face and body language after finding that confidence to approach that directly and all the more confidence after it was a success (for a while)?

Sorry, I went off topic here a bit.

All those emotions and suffering mentioned before made me change my ways. I realized that it's not the lack of someone's love and a close person that I'm missing, it's the lack of self-love and healthy lifestyle. So I began meditating everyday again, resting and sleeping more, exercising a bit with weights and by running, eating more. Now all that stuff is disappearing. I fall asleep much faster, no night terrors, much less feeling of loneliness and negative emotions, no obsessing over people I barely know. My troubles of the last weeks seem ridiculous now.

Your problem of not belonging might  be the similar kind of problem with the similar solution needed. Healthy lifestyle and inner work. And not much to do with others and how they relate to you.

I go socialize on weekends still. Seems I got a bit worse at that after coming back to more relaxed and less social lifestyle. I hope it's not meditation that makes me passive, I don't want to quit it. Meditation practice also seems to make me feel amazing at dawn at the end of a night of drinking somehow, that's a nice added bonus.

So I'm trying to strike some kind of balance now - keep the healthy practices to be emotionally and physically alright  but still go out and socialize enough to improve fast. I'll see where it get's me. For now it seems like the wisest thing to try to do.

Youtube recommended me this Alan Watts speach after the Leo's how to deal with break-up video. I loved it, I think it helps with getting a healthier perspective: 

 

[Wilhelm44]

Firstly, acknowledge yourself for getting out there and taking the risks to get your needs met. Secondly, the fact that all of this brought up some unwanted feelings is exactly what was meant to happen. Moving to the next level, is always on the other side of feelings that we are trying to avoid.

@The Caretaker