help

[Judy2]

I have a history of anorexia and now I feel as though I cannot stop overeating, eating past fullness and satiety, eating when i am uncomfortably bloated, eating despite no longer restricting and eating regularly.

I am scared that this will never stop and that I will gain a lot of weight.

I have got a number of counsellors, a nutritionist, and so forth.

It feels as though none of them are taking this seriously and i am scared of how much more weight i’ll gain until someone takes this seriously and helps me.

 

Also i am incredibly stressed because of my thesis, this is such a hardcore emotional topic for me, i have been procrastinating on this for two years and now i am finally trying to tackle it. It wouldn’t be wise to back down now that i am finally getting started and pushing through, but i am also so stressed to a degree that i cannot handle on my own, and my support system s not taking me seriously/not actually meeting me where i’m at/letting me down.

Please say something to help.

 

Also the thing with food is so much more complex than protein and fibre and god knows what. I know a lot about nutrition. I also know how to restrict and make myself lose weight when I have to.

I don’t want to be mean to myself anymore, don’t want to force myself into restriction, but it seems as though i can’t just be a normal eater, either. It’s eiter over- or undereating, i can’t seem to find a middle ground.

I am incredibly scared that I will never resolve this and that i will get fat and feel even more uncomfortable because of that and then i’ll still have to handle the thesis and on and on...

It’s all too much, I don’t know what to do anymore, I want someone to help me.

This is all too much to handle on my on.

Please, someone help me!

[Judy2]

i've been trying really hard to do inner work and be aware and handle my emotions and all that kind of stuff.

but i'm so incredibly stressed and overwhelmed. i want and need a break. i don't know how to get one, i've got a deadline coming and it's so stressful and there is so much pressure coming at me from all sides and it's all too much to handle and i'm all on my own and i don't have a support system which someone with my list of diagnoses should have.

Edited July 30 by Judy2

[Salvijus]

Yesterday I felt a desire to reach out about this bloating thing on your journal. I wrote something and then deleted it, lol. 

Idk how much you know but... 

It's better to drink only boiled water that has been cooled down. Better for absorption. Reduces bloating. 

Stick to proper order of eating. Fruits then vegetables then cooked food. Mixing this will cause bloating. Best to avoid fruits around meals altogether. 

Carefull with food combinations. Certain products are healthy if eating by itself but not good in combination. Like eggs and cheese for example. Or banana and yogurt. There are many more examples. 

There are natural herbs you can use to improve digestion and reduce bloating after eating. Like ginger and fennel seeds. Or more complex ayurvedic formulas. 

If you're vegetarian and making lentils and stuff. You have to know how to prepare them properly to reduce their vata (bloating and gas) enhancing properties. I'm no expert but it needs to be cooked with specific herbs like turmeric, cumin, and a bit of oil. And of course should be soaked for sufficient amount of time. 

 

Edited July 30 by Salvijus

[Sincerity]

I reached out to you through DMs. If you need to talk, I am here.

[Schizophonia]

@Judy2 You will automatically crave more food if you have been severely deprived of it.

Maybe over a week or several weeks you'll want 3-4000 calories a day before it gets back to normal.

You'll never be overweight, or at least obese. You'd have to suffer from long-term untreated hypothyroidism, take certain medications (mirtazapine, certain neuroleptics, opioids...), or really not do any physical activity at all or almost.

You probably greatly overestimate how much gaining fat and water retention makes you less attractive, and underestimate how much it can make you more attractive to others—not just weight, but being more fun-loving in general.

It's rarer, but you can also get it into your head that it's people, not just men, who judge you based on your water retention or whatever.
People don't give a damn, they only pay attention if it's exceptional, like you weigh 150 kilos or are terribly ugly, but of course that's not the case for you at all, and even if some people have bad thoughts, well, what does it matter? It's just a possible minority of hateful people who don't fuck or whatever and it makes them want to judge by projection.

 

[Natasha Tori Maru]

@Judy2

I have a lot of experience with eating disorders through the pervasive nature it has afflicted the women in my family.

My sister, mother, grandmother - it goes back inter-generationally. My sister went from extreme anorexia to uncontrollable binging (as you describe), to bulimia. The body is smarter than your brain and the binging is a rebound from the restricting. Grelin and leptin hormones do this. They are more powerful than your executive brain function and will totally override rationality in an attempt to survive. This will result in action compulsions (eating). Thought compulsions also tie in - fixation on calories, clean eating, counting, macros. It is part of the eating disorder itself and feeds it. Enhancing its grip.

Can I ask if you attempt to restrict after overeating? 

Eating disorders are more complex than they seem. Part of the issue is the brain is in a semi-malfunctional irrational state where it cannot rationally realise 'having bodyfat is okay'. This is caused from malnutrition. The brain is mostly fat - and fat has more calories than carbohydrates and protein. So it is usually restricted and impacts executive functioning.

Do you have OCD? These go hand in hand - a common comorbidity. It's about control.

All my love & healing to you - I am happy to DM <3

 

[Judy2]

@Schizophoniai don't think i have ever been overweight on paper, but pretty close to it, and i've certainly felt uncomfortable because of my weight to the point that i couldn't leave the house at certain times of day.

probably still eating up to 3,500/day at the moment which is pretty scary considering my body is already bigger than what most women at the gym would consider their ideal/goal...and i signed up when i was pretty skinny, so that feels like a bit of a shameful progression. others get their dream body while working out, whereas mine seems to deteriorate uncontrollably. and i felt pretty when i was underweight and just threw that away because i was tired of restricting and not happy to keep doing that in the long term.

4 hours ago, Schizophonia said:

@Judy2 You probably greatly overestimate how much gaining fat and water retention makes you less attractive, and underestimate how much it can make you more attractive to others—not just weight, but being more fun-loving in general.

when i'm underweight and restricting, i feel bad 90% of the time, but emotions shake my whole body a lot differently then, and those 10% leave me feeling very, very cute and smile-y, sweet, soft and polite, the way i interact with people. and then i feel as though it's sad that i can only be that way when i'm sick....i don't think i can be pretty when i'm healthy. maybe my brain doesn't want to believe it, doesn't dare believe it, and that/s why i'm eating past fullness on principle? i'd really like to believe that i can be pretty and have a relaxed, effortless relationship with food...because that would mean that i could maintain a weight i look good at and feel mentally and physically comfortable at in the long-term, without any need to suppress hunger cues or anything. 

[Judy2]

39 minutes ago, Natasha Tori Maru said:

@Judy2

I have a lot of experience with eating disorders through the pervasive nature it has afflicted the women in my family.

My sister, mother, grandmother - it goes back inter-generationally. My sister went from extreme anorexia to uncontrollable binging (as you describe), to bulimia. The body is smarter than your brain and the binging is a rebound from the restricting. Grelin and leptin hormones do this. They are more powerful than your executive brain function and will totally override rationality in an attempt to survive. This will result in action compulsions (eating). Thought compulsions also tie in - fixation on calories, clean eating, counting, macros. It is part of the eating disorder itself and feeds it. Enhancing its grip.

Can I ask if you attempt to restrict after overeating? 

Eating disorders are more complex than they seem. Part of the issue is the brain is in a semi-malfunctional irrational state where it cannot rationally realise 'having bodyfat is okay'. This is caused from malnutrition. The brain is mostly fat - and fat has more calories than carbohydrates and protein. So it is usually restricted and impacts executive functioning.

Do you have OCD? These go hand in hand - a common comorbidity. It's about control.

All my love & healing to you - I am happy to DM <3

 

hey, thank you for sharing. i've watched a lot of YouTube videos about the topic, so i've heard of ghrelin and leptin, although i don't quite understand how to restore proper balance.

i know that post-binge restriction only makes binging worse, so i try not to fall for it. i've been eating very regularly for several weeks now and still got moments when i am overeating, despite never undereating at any point. a few weeks ago, that was still related to extreme hunger, so i actually felt hungry despite being full. by now it's probably that i do feel full and even satiated, but am eating for emotional reasons or because something is driving this psychologically? it feels silly considering i was pretty damn good at restriction when i was 18. i was so good it nearly killed me, and pretty ruthless with it. it seems stupid that nowadays i can't even bear the thought of "restricting" myself to reasonable portion sizes or "restricting" myself to not feel uncomfortably full or bloated. something's off with that. somehow eating normal amounts is scarier to my system than over- or undereating, and that's kind of silly. it should be the other way around.

 

i had some ocd in the past but therapists have been hesitant about giving that diagnosis.  i do have bpd, which impairs my ability to process emotions....not to say i can't, but it probably requires more conscious effort and learning to do this functionally.  

[Natasha Tori Maru]

1 minute ago, Judy2 said:

i had some ocd in the past but therapists have been hesitant about giving that diagnosis.  i do have bpd, which impairs my ability to process emotions....not to say i can't, but it probably requires more conscious effort and learning to do this functionally.  

This could be the key to it - usually eating disorders (or disordered eating - which is when you don't get a formal diagnosis, and the pathology isn't severe enough to interfere with daily functioning) are tied to emotions.

From your comment to @Schizophonia above - I think you have a lot of your self worth tied into your body. Several instances of shaming yourself and comparing to others. Judging yourself for lacking discipline. I've been there...

These thoughts will be the parts that are generating the emotions that lead to the eating. 

Do you have any sort of meditation or practice that involved thought awareness?

I think your inner dialogue is running wild in negativity. It sounds less like a nutritional issue and more rooted in emotions and thoughts.

I could be wrong.

 

[Judy2]

@Schizophonia people with bpd can get very overweight and obese because of their emotional instability. i've seen it when i had treatment. half the ward was filled with obese women. so i'm at risk. 

and i am feeling stressed because of my thesis and my loud neighbours, so maybe that makes someone as unstable as myself susceptible to overeating and then everything will be even more difficult once i look ugly, and then i'll never get better.

 

 

last year i lost a lot of weight without even forcing myself to restrict. because i was going through some heartbreak and feeling depressed, and all of a sudden my tummy was flat and it felt kind of cool that i could be that intuitively, without needing to eat 3kg of veg a day to create a sense of fullness. i just didn't even want to eat and i was thin while at a healthy weight. then i didn't know how to maintain it and got underweight for a few months.

[Judy2]

@Natasha Tori Maruyou're not wrong. i have been very negative, ashamed and hateful towards myself for years.... although i'm 100% trying to cognitively reprogramme myself atm and radically let go of all the shame and negative self-talk. so i've been trying really hard to make progress in that area, and i don't understand how that is supposed to match with the ongoing symptomatology. my recent attempts to be nicer to myself sort of correlate with the overeating, which is odd because isn't "finally being nice to myself" supposed to heal this sort of thing or prevent this type of behaviour? overeating isn't me being nice to myself or my body or my very bloated belly...but maybe my brain doesn't know that. i wonder how i could make it understand on a visceral level. 

Edited July 31 by Judy2

[Natasha Tori Maru]

@Judy2

I think you have actually done some amazing work learning about the nutrition side of the problem - which reduces it as a factor.

It definitely rooted in the negative self image.

3 hours ago, Judy2 said:

 which is odd because isn't "finally being nice to myself" supposed to heal this sort of thing or prevent this type of behaviour? overeating isn't me being nice to myself or my body or my very bloated belly...but maybe my brain doesn't know that. i wonder how i could make it understand on a visceral level. 

This (to me, again could be wrong) points to unconscious negative thoughts still being present somewhere... something so automatic it is like breathing. It just happens instinctually. I have come from a place of terrible negative self image, fear of my own potential, comparison of myself to others. The disordered nature of my pathology arose in different ways: lack of discipline towards life's obligations, OCD-like compulsions, endless time wasted on the internet. 

It just so happens your overeating is the way it is manifesting in you. 

Trying to find those thoughts and catching them as they arise is the big big big challenge. 

Just remember - the urge to binge/overeat will pass, whether you act on it or not

This behaviour could also simply be a bad habit you need to break, a remnant from anorexia recovery.

You are a lovely gentle woman, it comes across in your posts. You are so hard on yourself 

Do you feel numb when you eat?

 

[Judy2]

13 minutes ago, Natasha Tori Maru said:

 

 

Do you feel numb when you eat?

 

most of the time, no. i suppose there are some exceptions.

lunch usually feels good because i've been busy and genuinely feel hungry, so it feels right to eat.

dinner tends to be more difficult because i eat past fullness and until severely bloated, and then it also becomes difficult to feel grateful looking back at what i had for lunch.

i'm trying to eat mindfully and without distractions. sometimes i have to put on headphones + a video though because my neighbours are too loud and i find that quite distressing...used to be a major trigger for having to restrict my intake, but i know that's not feasible because rn i just can't ensure getting the kind of quiet, calm environment i would prefer for every meal. 

[Natasha Tori Maru]

@Judy2

I think you nailed some of the issue - something is preventing you having a pleasant and welcome experience in the eating process. 

External or internal - whatever that thing is might unravel something?

You could be so distracted while eating, once the meal is done, it is like you didn't even have one. Something robbed your attention away from the experience of it. So you reach for more because it was like you missed the meal!

Personally I eat my meals on my balcony, no technology. Sometimes music. I watch the forest and do not do anything else. I eat very slowly.

But this is just me personally  I joke that I am so single minded I struggle to walk and chew gum!

[Judy2]

i wonder if this is some stubborn part of me testing my love. like it would be too surreal to overcome the bloating and stay lean, so it wants me to be bloated and gain weight just to check if i'll still love me then.

but that's not reallt in my best interest, is it? but apparently that part if quite stubborn. 

...not sure if this makes sense, but idk how else to explain it. it's just a theory though.

 

also, i sent my mum a text opening up about the issue and she tried to calm me down. had i told her about undereating, i'm sure she would have panicked. so maybe stubborn me wants to overeat until she takes my emotional suffering in that just as seriously ...which is stupid.

it sucks to "be brave" and tackle anorexia recovery, because that's really not that easy psychologically, and then life throws this sort of thing in your face. it's really, really stupid. it's like the worst case scenario anyone struggling with anorexia is afraid of...that they lose their ability to restrict. 

i could restrict again but i know i wouldn't have a lot of fun doing it, but it's also not right to overeat on principle then. that's not healthy, either.

[Judy2]

6 minutes ago, Natasha Tori Maru said:

 

You could be so distracted while eating, once the meal is done, it is like you didn't even have one. Something robbed your attention away from the experience of it. So you reach for more because it was like you missed the meal!

Yes, sometimes it feels that way. Especially if i have breakfast too early, because sometimes i mistake the cocktail of hormones after waking up for being hungry...and then it's like i had no breakfast at all, despite those 35g of protein.

 

i'll try to improve on that. there's definitely a lot of anxiety in my system while eating...will be staying at my parents' place for a few days, which might be triggering but maybe it's also an opportunity to do some things differently. i'll try to think of ways to make meal times more relaxed...thank you:)

but tbh sometimes i genuinely don't know how to make meal times more relaxed if i'm not in charge of my environment and sometimes there's just too much noise that i can't do anything about. i already wrote a letter to my neighbours here asking if they could please listen to music more quietly, but they didn't really respect that. and in those cases distraction is like my only chance to introduce a tiny bit of peace and quiet.

[Judy2]

last week i had to interrupt lunch and RUN out of my apartment because my neighbour started singing and i can't handle that, not even with headphones. whether i'm eating or not.

so i'm not even safe in my own apartment.

[Wilhelm44]

What healthy activities do you have in your life to counterbalance stress ? What kind of good things do you do for yourself to help the nervous system relax ? Do you get enough sleep ?

[Judy2]

1 hour ago, Wilhelm44 said:

What healthy activities do you have in your life to counterbalance stress ? What kind of good things do you do for yourself to help the nervous system relax ? Do you get enough sleep ?

i go to the gym 3-4 times a week, go for walks, listen to music, and embroider.

but relaxation is definitely something i need to prioritise more, although i don't quite know how, tbh. it's probably a more fundamental issue than it seems, as this sense of hypervigilance is deeply related to my mental struggles. there's an underlying anxiety that i always need to be doing something or working on myself, otherwise something bad will happen.

i've been having some sleep issues so now i'm on a prescription for sleeping meds. not sure if this is good, but i figured it would sort of force me into a more regular rhythm, which would be beneficial at the moment.

[Judy2]

it's a bit like life has to be hard rn because i'm used to dealing with my emotions in dysfunctional ways, and even as i'm trying to learn how to deal with them in more functional ways, it's taking a lot of effort and energy.

maybe i'm wrong and doing things differently doesn't have to be that hard. for me rn, it is.

if someone knows what i'm doing wrong, feel free to enlighten me please:)