KEN7

Survived Suicide (26 Stitches) — Struggling to Find a Way to Start Again

60 posts in this topic

Not good at English, but I’ll be real. (If this post isn’t okay here, I’ll delete.)

A year ago I cut my throat — 26 stitches. I survived. I don’t think “God saved me,” but I still wonder why me, when kids starving or fighting cancer deserve life more.

Since COVID I’ve been on my phone 16+ hours a day, porn addiction, heavy mood swings. I dream of making my manga (DSD) but deep down I don’t think anything will fulfill me. Life feels meaningless, but dying meaningless feels worse.

Even Musashi, the greatest swordsman, died still searching for truth about himself — will I ever know mine?

I’m not asking for sympathy or “stay positive.” I want a real process — something that actually works to control emotions and myself, not surface advice.

Has anyone found something that truly works?

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I used to be in a very bad mental place, but what I did was I attended a meditation retreat. Search for meditation retreats in your area.

Try downloading computer and phone website blockers or time limit software, to get you off of the screens, and replace it with more productive things, such as reading and going for walks. A meditation retreat will help you use the cell phone less.

And make a firm commitment that at lets say, 8PM, 9PM, or 9:30PM, that you are turning off the cell phone and going to sleep. There are apps that will remind you to do this, but you can also tape a physical note to your wall that will remind you as well. 

 


أشهد أن لا إله إلا الله وأشهد أن ليو رسول الله

Translation: I bear witness that there is no God but Allah, and Leo [Gura] is the messenger of Allah.

 

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Jesus.

What you need is a compelling vision for what you can make of your life. A vision for a career, for what kind of leader you can be, what kind of family you could have, what kind of art you could make, etc.

And then just work towards it a bit more each day.

But you don't need any achievement to fulfill you. True fulfillment comes from simply consciousness of Consciousness. That's what spiritual work is all about.

If you do serious spiritual work you will be fulfilled just sitting in a room doing nothing, having nothing, needing nothing.

If you are interested in that I highly recommend Kriya yoga. It will purify your mind and body of low vibrational energies over time. But it requires serious commitment to daily practice.

There is no reason why you cannot develop a happy life. No crazy accomplishment is required.

Life does not need meaning. You can derive 100% of your joy from pure Consciousness itself. But you can also create whatever meaning you want in the near-term to hold you over until you realize meaning is a scam. The real gold is Consciousness, not meaning.

Edited by Leo Gura

You are God. You are Truth. You are Love. You are Infinity.

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Search--Acceptance and Commitment Therapy , Shadow work.

Try to embrace and accept negative emotions but never harm yourself physically as emotions will come and go while of your life goes it will never return.

As soon as you accept negative emotions they start to loose their power over you or they start to go away.

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@Leo Gura 

leo and everyone,

thanks for suggestions but honestly… yoga, meditation? i dont think i can do that. i cant even sit with myself — every time i try i spiral. even hearing “you are god” makes me feel heavier not lighter.

leo your “overcome addiction” video about the void (2016) hit me. back when no one was talking this deep. but even knowing that i feel paralyzed. 4 years of 16+ hrs screen time wrecked me. now i see how bad it is and the self hate makes it worse.

one thing im sure of: in the end its always us alone. no truth, only patterns. like early humans striking rocks, finding fire. their lives were meaningless too.

im not asking for hope. im asking for a process.
because even “just sit” feels like too much effort i cant do. im too exhausted and stuck.

what works when even that is too much?

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@KEN7 Just sitting is not good for you -- really not good. Because just sitting is some of the hardest work. For you, just sitting will spiral into negative rumination and depression. You need a more active approach that turns your mind from inside to outside itself. You don't want to be lost inside your own mind right now.

Kriya yoga is very good because it is almost like a physical exercise. It gives you something concrete to do. It gets the mind to stop thinking. It also physically forces your body and mind to rewire. It does require some discipline but hell, anything worthwhile does. Regular meditation will be too hard for you and counter-productive. Kriya yoga is different.

Other than that I would recommend more activity like physical exercise. gym, sports, walking outdoors, stuff that gets you out of your mind. Maybe join a local soccer team. Something to get you out of your head and out of your house.

Do you have mental illness?

How is your health?

Do you have physical illness?

What is your age?

What is your work/family situation?

What is your financial situation?

What is your friend situation?

These are all important factors to consider.

Edited by Leo Gura

You are God. You are Truth. You are Love. You are Infinity.

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Do you have anything in particular you desire? Could be anything like sex, friends, travelling, having mystical experience, getting a good physique. You could start working towards the thing you desire

Whats bothering you the most? Is it your addictions, bad self esteem etc. Could start with working with that.

For the average person it’s hard to have a healthy mind without healthy habits. So you’ll wanna lessen some of your bad habits and start with some good ones. Healthy engagement in healthy habit instead of unhealthy distraction (like excess internet)

Also conventional meds might help you if you’re already not taking them. Ideally one wouldn’t be on meds but when it’s really really bad it can be one of the last resorts

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@Leo Gura 

no diagnosed mental illness, but heavy mood swings and past suicide attempt,watch extreme Japanese violent films to observe and numb myself out(I wanted to try neuro method to stop feeling but it didn't work) but I do have extreme thoughts,but I'm too emotion(almost Feminine,I also have masucline issues) if I have to describe in a word "cognitive dissonance"kina

physical health is okay, just weak from phone/porn addiction and no exercise.

18 years old.

live with parents, going to uni soon. family is controlling but provides food/shelter.

financially dependent on them, no income yet.

no close friends.


i really struggle to even move or do basic things. even yoga feels impossible for me right now. is there any process that works for someone who feels paralyzed like this?

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@KEN7 The fundamentals of your situation are pretty good. You got a relatively stable family life and decent health. That means there's nothing really wrong with you that can't be fixed with some effort. This is great news!

1) You need to stop all violent gore content. Just stop it. Stop killing your own mind with trash. Find positive replacement media.

2) You need to start some physical exercise routine. Start by going outside every day and walking around your neighborhood for 15 minutes per day. Do this every day. There is nothing easier than this.

This is the process. Start doing it. Then we can discuss more steps.

This needs to be done in baby-steps. So start taking at least some small action each day.

Edited by Leo Gura

You are God. You are Truth. You are Love. You are Infinity.

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@Sugarcoat 

thanks for replying.

desire? honestly… nothing feels like it would fulfill me. i used to want friends, love, good physique — even making a manga (dsd). now it all feels hollow.

what bothers me most? i’m afraid to live. i spiral into existential crisis — like nobody can fully know who they are. life feels like one big strategy game, like robert greene’s war chapters… where you either win or get dismissed in the name of “rationality” and “analysis.”

i also struggle with addictions (phone/porn) + the weight of failing since my suicide attempt last year.

i know healthy habits help but i feel paralyzed — even simple things like sitting still or walking outside feels impossible right now.

i’m not on meds.I will never try them as ppl back then had no meds but still survived naturally

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Start a journal thread on this forum where you report to us your daily actions. You can write your mood, emotions, doubts there too. Keep updating your journal.


You are God. You are Truth. You are Love. You are Infinity.

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You need more physical activity. Research in your area sports and hatha yoga classes.

Signing you up to a hatha yoga class would be excellent. You can meet friends and girls there too.

This will be a medium-term goal, after you succeed in your daily walks.

Edited by Leo Gura

You are God. You are Truth. You are Love. You are Infinity.

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7 minutes ago, KEN7 said:

thanks for replying.

desire? honestly… nothing feels like it would fulfill me. i used to want friends, love, good physique — even making a manga (dsd). now it all feels hollow.

It’s probably because your mind is so full of shit, of neurosis so it’s like you’re not in touch with healthy desire. 
 

So you need to clean your mind from some of that shit , and it’s going to take work. You have desire to feel better right?

8 minutes ago, KEN7 said:

@Sugarcoat 

 

what bothers me most? i’m afraid to live. i spiral into existential crisis — like nobody can fully know who they are. life feels like one big strategy game, like robert greene’s war chapters… where you either win or get dismissed in the name of “rationality” and “analysis.”

i also struggle with addictions (phone/porn) + the weight of failing since my suicide attempt last year.

 

Some healthy engagement could help you get your mind from spiraling . Something that requires your focus but isn’t as isolating as meditation. Like a sport or a board game or studies

10 minutes ago, KEN7 said:

@Sugarcoat 

i know healthy habits help but i feel paralyzed — even simple things like sitting still or walking outside feels impossible right now.

i’m not on meds.I will never try them as ppl back then had no meds but still survived naturally

Maybe being in psych ward where they create habits for you would help

It’s your choice but I suggest opening your minds to meds. A strong anti depressant or anti anxiety med could help in your case. You don’t have to take them forever : and if you don’t like the effect, you could stop, nobody would force them down your throat- you could at least try. 
 

It could be something that could give you short term improvement and make it easier for you to move towards healthier lifestyle and then you might no longer need them

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15 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

Start a journal thread on this forum where you report to us your daily actions. You can write your mood, emotions, doubts there too. Keep updating your journal.

 

I will

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26 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

@KEN7 The fundamentals of your situation are pretty good. You got a relatively stable family life and decent health. That means there's nothing really wrong with you that can't be fixed with some effort. This is great news!

1) You need to stop all violent gore content. Just stop it. Stop killing your own mind with trash. Find positive replacement media.

2) You need to start some physical exercise routine. Start by going outside every day and walking around your neighborhood for 15 minutes per day. Do this every day. There is nothing easier than this.

This is the process. Start doing it. Then we can discuss more steps.

This needs to be done in baby-steps. So start taking at least some small action each day.

yes, i’ll stop that stuff and try small steps like walking. my only problem is i go extreme (fasting 2 days) or do nothing. how do i stay consistent without swinging like that?
 

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You are so young 

your brain is still very plastic and can adopt and change to better things. 

trust me in a couple of years you will look back and see that you are a totally new person.

take care of yourself. 

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14 minutes ago, Sugarcoat said:

It’s probably because your mind is so full of shit, of neurosis so it’s like you’re not in touch with healthy desire. 
 

So you need to clean your mind from some of that shit , and it’s going to take work. You have desire to feel better right?

Some healthy engagement could help you get your mind from spiraling . Something that requires your focus but isn’t as isolating as meditation. Like a sport or a board game or studies

Maybe being in psych ward where they create habits for you would help

It’s your choice but I suggest opening your minds to meds. A strong anti depressant or anti anxiety med could help in your case. You don’t have to take them forever : and if you don’t like the effect, you could stop, nobody would force them down your throat- you could at least try. 
 

It could be something that could give you short term improvement and make it easier for you to move towards healthier lifestyle and then you might no longer need them

We don't do that here bro,without doc prescription we can't get it and no doc would prescribe it here,I appreciate your reply

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1 minute ago, integration journey said:

You are so young 

your brain is still very plastic and can adopt and change to better things. 

trust me in a couple of years you will look back and see that you are a totally new person.

take care of yourself. 

I will try 

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28 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

You need more physical activity. Research in your area sports and hatha yoga classes.

Signing you up to a hatha yoga class would be excellent. You can meet friends and girls there too.

This will be a medium-term goal, after you succeed in your daily walks.

Family Don't afford it and i can't afford it,i will for now focus on walks

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