Having Sex with Your "Type"

[soos_mite_ah]

I'm currently with a guy who I love very much and am attracted to but he is not by "type." We have had a really solid and happy relationship so far for the last 3+ years. He's also the only person I have done anything sexual with. 

But there is a part of me that wants to go out and have sex with my physical "type." This desire doesn't really affect out relationship. My partner and I have a healthy sex life and we communicate very openly. I personally feel like I have this itch that I need to scratch. 

I guess a part of me feels like I just need to have sex with my "type" so that it gest demystified and I realize it's not all that it's cracked out to be. Maybe, I just need to get it out of my system? But also, another part of me worries that if I have sex with my "type" that I'm going to pigeon hole my attraction to this "type" and that's gonna fuck up my sex life with my partner. 

What's been your experience with having sex with your type? Did it feel like ecstasy to where you didn't want to have sex with any other kind of person? Did it feel like something that was a nice bonus but it wasn't the end all be all when it comes to choosing to have sex with someone you like? Was it an itch that just needed to be scratched? 

[soos_mite_ah]

@Emerald I would especially love to hear your thoughts if you have any  

 

[Emerald]

2 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

@Emerald I would especially love to hear your thoughts if you have any  

Sure, I'll share some insights first... and then a personal anecdote.

One thing I would say is that, I found that (when I was younger) the guys who I had found attractive on paper don't necessarily feel satisfying to sleep with. It's more about the chemistry and bonding.

So, I wouldn't say that sleeping with your physical type would put you off your partner. That very likely won't happen.

But I would tend to advise you to get everything out of your system and explore yourself sexually. That's the advice I'd give to my younger self.

Yet again, that's difficult because you'd have to break up to have those experiences. It's truly a difficult bind to be in. 

But I find that it's important to let the bull run until it becomes content because you only have one life.

And I want to share a personal anecdote to give a sense of why this is my perspective...

--

When I was with my first serious boyfriend who I lost my virginity to, I was so attached to him that I thought we would marry and that he would be the only person I'd ever be with for my entire life.

I was with him from the time I was 16 until I was 20.

And I would try to deny to myself that the idea that being with him for life bothered me and that I wanted to have other sexual and romantic experiences, because I was very attached to the relationship.

I feared that wanting these things meant that I wasn't valuing the relationship enough, so I tried to put those thoughts out of my mind.

Now, the relationship was bad... so it really needed to end. That should have been like a yearlong relationships MAX.

And this is where things are very different than your example.

But even if it were an amazing relationship, I feel like I needed to have those sexual experiences with different partners to feel like I wasn't depriving myself of knowing myself that way for my entire life.

And the reality (that I was suppressing and repressing) was that I wanted to have other sexual experiences and to explore my sexuality more openly and freely.  

But I was in denial of this... because I was attached to him... and I was highly identified with being the "chaste woman who will only have sex with one man for her whole life."

And I had a bunch of slut-shamy narratives at the time where I felt like my value went down with every guy I slept with... and I had judgments towards promiscuous women that I would compare myself to to inflate my ego as the "chaste woman who's only been with one man and will only be with one man for life".

And I wouldn't even allow myself to admit to myself that I found other guys attractive the whole 4 years that I was with my ex-boyfriend.

So, I was deeply repressing my sexuality to maintain that relationship... and to maintain the identities associated with reserving my sexuality only for him for my whole life.

So, when the relationship finally ended... I unconsciously "sleepwalked" my way into having sex with 4 random guys in the span of two weeks.

Like, I'd meet a guy and he'd invite me over. I wasn't even that attracted to them. But I'd rationalize my way into saying yes. And I'd tell myself, "If he tries to sleep with me, I'll just say no".

And then, I just wouldn't say no. Or if I did say no and the guy didn't take the first no, I just wasn't able to resist it.

The reality was that I wanted to. But I wasn't conscious that I wanted to. But I would put myself in positions where it was bound to happen. And I would even shave off all my body hair from the neck down before I met them... and rationalize that away too. 

And in just a couple weeks, I dashed my "chaste woman" identity on the rocks... which made me feel like I was losing my value and my identity.

And I was super confused because I didn't consciously want to have sex with these guys... except for one of them who I deliberately sought out to have a sexual placeholder to stop myself from sleeping with random guys to avoid upping my number.

Like I was having a huge problem. And I wasn't even admitting to myself that I wanted to have hook-ups. And I had no boundaries or defenses against sleeping with random guys. After that two weeks, I pretty much isolated myself as I felt like I had just come down with a hardcore sex addiction that I had no control over.

And because all of this was as a result of my deeply repressed sexuality, I wasn't consciously choosing who to sleep with. I was just agreeing to hang out with random guys and letting it happen to me.

If I were to go back and time and talk to my 20 year old self, I would have urged her to admit to herself that she just wants to have some random sexual experiences... but that she should admit that to herself, so that she chooses to do it with guys she actually wants to.

But I really repressed my sexuality hardcore to preserve my relationship and my identity... and it came back with a vengeance as soon as that relationship ended where it just took ahold of me.

And it was SUPER confusing to me at the time, as to why I was doing that.

So, I tend to recommend to young people to get these experiences out of their system for this reason.

Edited July 6 by Emerald

[soos_mite_ah]

9 hours ago, Emerald said:

But I would tend to advise you to get everything out of your system and explore yourself sexually. That's the advice I'd give to my younger self.

Yet again, that's difficult because you'd have to break up to have those experiences. It's truly a difficult bind to be in. 

9 hours ago, Emerald said:

I feared that wanting these things meant that I wasn't valuing the relationship enough, so I tried to put those thoughts out of my mind.

9 hours ago, Emerald said:

But even if it were an amazing relationship, I feel like I needed to have those sexual experiences with different partners to feel like I wasn't depriving myself of knowing myself that way for my entire life.

And the reality (that I was suppressing and repressing) was that I wanted to have other sexual experiences and to explore my sexuality more openly and freely.  

I have talked about this with my partner in the past. We started dating when we were both 22 (we're 25 now) and since we were both late bloomers, I figured that one or both of us may have a period of time when we wanted to explore more sexually with other people even though we both love each other and have a good relationship. And since we both have a very low degree of jealousy and possessiveness, we were both open to the idea of having an open relationship. Maybe not polyamorous because that can get chaotic with having multiple people in a romantic dynamic trying to coordinate their lives together but there isn't anything wrong with casual sex. This conversation was had like 2.5 years ago. 

Fast forward today, I had the open relationship conversation again with him recently. He's still open to the idea of an open relationship but he personally has no urge to act on it and have sex with anyone else besides me. At the same time, he doesn't want me to restrict myself sexually or hold me back in anyway in this relationship. I guess after that conversation, I found myself thinking the power dynamics of our relationship in the event that I was sleeping around but he wasn't. Because I don't want to do this at the cost of our relationship or at the cost of hurting him or making him jealous. Like sure, sexual fulfillment is one thing and it's nice to have, but I don't think that this area is the make or break when it comes to my overall satisfaction and fulfillment in life. I know he loves me and I don't want to exploit that for the sake of my own gratification. 

10 hours ago, Emerald said:

If I were to go back and time and talk to my 20 year old self, I would have urged her to admit to herself that she just wants to have some random sexual experiences... but that she should admit that to herself, so that she chooses to do it with guys she actually wants to.

But I really repressed my sexuality hardcore to preserve my relationship and my identity... and it came back with a vengeance as soon as that relationship ended where it just took ahold of me.

And it was SUPER confusing to me at the time, as to why I was doing that.

So, I tend to recommend to young people to get these experiences out of their system for this reason.

I don't have an issue with casual sex and while I do want an open relationship in theory, I have concerns in practice. I live in the state of Texas where abortion is banned. I'm on birth control and of course I plan to use protection, but there are a lot of sketch guys out there who might try to do shit like stealthing (and god forbid I forget to take the pill that night). I have reservations regarding sleeping with random men not in a slut shaming way but in a *I'm concerned for my personal safety and I don't want to end up preganant or locked in a basement* way. I have a lot of friends who are dating around and I know that the streets are rough (and the red pill/ alpha male podcast bros have made a lot of damage in recent years) lol. So it's also like, I feel lucky that I have found a good man but I also kind of feel like meme: 

Like as much as I want to put myself out there and explore, I do get turned off by men who are sketchy and who have questionable characters. As a result, sometimes I wonder if I actually want to explore and I'm scared to, or if I just like the idea of exploring but I should probably stick to shitty smutty romance mangas lmaoo. 

[Jannes]

@soos_mite_ah You say your type "physically". Do you mean an attractive guy or a muscular guy? I am just wondering. 

[Jannes]

25 minutes ago, soos_mite_ah said:

Fast forward today, I had the open relationship conversation again with him recently. He's still open to the idea of an open relationship but he personally has no urge to act on it and have sex with anyone else besides me. At the same time, he doesn't want me to restrict myself sexually or hold me back in anyway in this relationship. I guess after that conversation, I found myself thinking the power dynamics of our relationship in the event that I was sleeping around but he wasn't. Because I don't want to do this at the cost of our relationship or at the cost of hurting him or making him jealous. Like sure, sexual fulfillment is one thing and it's nice to have, but I don't think that this area is the make or break when it comes to my overall satisfaction and fulfillment in life. I know he loves me and I don't want to exploit that for the sake of my own gratification. 

Maybe he also thinks he can't get a sexual partner doesnt want to admit that. Do you think you could help him find a sexual partner? 

[soos_mite_ah]

8 minutes ago, Jannes said:

@soos_mite_ah You say your type "physically". Do you mean an attractive guy or a muscular guy? I am just wondering. 

Attractive is subjective. There are many ways to be attractive lol. 

As for muscular.. not really. I guess I prefer more of a normal to skinny / normal to a little sqiushy if that makes sense lol.

I like guys with shorter guys with darker features and a lot of hair. 

[Jannes]

8 minutes ago, soos_mite_ah said:

Attractive is subjective. There are many ways to be attractive lol. 

As for muscular.. not really. I guess I prefer more of a normal to skinny / normal to a little sqiushy if that makes sense lol.

I like guys with shorter guys with darker features and a lot of hair. 

Oh okay. I just really wonder what that itch for a women can feel like lol.

[Schizophonia]

5 hours ago, Jannes said:

Oh okay. I just really wonder what that itch for a women can feel like lol.

That said men are the same.

I would be able to say fundamentally similar things

Edited July 6 by Schizophonia

[Jannes]

7 minutes ago, Schizophonia said:

I would be able to say fundamentally similar things?

What do you mean?

[Emerald]

2 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

I have talked about this with my partner in the past. We started dating when we were both 22 (we're 25 now) and since we were both late bloomers, I figured that one or both of us may have a period of time when we wanted to explore more sexually with other people even though we both love each other and have a good relationship. And since we both have a very low degree of jealousy and possessiveness, we were both open to the idea of having an open relationship. Maybe not polyamorous because that can get chaotic with having multiple people in a romantic dynamic trying to coordinate their lives together but there isn't anything wrong with casual sex. This conversation was had like 2.5 years ago. 

Fast forward today, I had the open relationship conversation again with him recently. He's still open to the idea of an open relationship but he personally has no urge to act on it and have sex with anyone else besides me. At the same time, he doesn't want me to restrict myself sexually or hold me back in anyway in this relationship. I guess after that conversation, I found myself thinking the power dynamics of our relationship in the event that I was sleeping around but he wasn't. Because I don't want to do this at the cost of our relationship or at the cost of hurting him or making him jealous. Like sure, sexual fulfillment is one thing and it's nice to have, but I don't think that this area is the make or break when it comes to my overall satisfaction and fulfillment in life. I know he loves me and I don't want to exploit that for the sake of my own gratification. 

I don't have an issue with casual sex and while I do want an open relationship in theory, I have concerns in practice. I live in the state of Texas where abortion is banned. I'm on birth control and of course I plan to use protection, but there are a lot of sketch guys out there who might try to do shit like stealthing (and god forbid I forget to take the pill that night). I have reservations regarding sleeping with random men not in a slut shaming way but in a *I'm concerned for my personal safety and I don't want to end up preganant or locked in a basement* way. I have a lot of friends who are dating around and I know that the streets are rough (and the red pill/ alpha male podcast bros have made a lot of damage in recent years) lol. So it's also like, I feel lucky that I have found a good man but I also kind of feel like meme: 

Like as much as I want to put myself out there and explore, I do get turned off by men who are sketchy and who have questionable characters. As a result, sometimes I wonder if I actually want to explore and I'm scared to, or if I just like the idea of exploring but I should probably stick to shitty smutty romance mangas lmaoo. 

Oh definitely, it was VERY dangerous what I was doing.

If I were doing it consciously and deliberately and with full acceptance (without slut-shaming myself), I would have been more selective about the targets of my escapades and would have actually enjoyed them more with men who I knew and was attracted to.

But because I was unconscious and repressing my sexuality for years before that, it was like I just kept rationalizing myself into agreeing to hang out with random guys that I wasn't particularly attracted to... and then having no ability to resist the dynamic going into sexual territory.

It was like depriving myself of a needs (like food) for years because I believed that eating food and wanting variety with food was shameful.

So, then (from a state of starvation) I just "binged" on whatever was in front of me... like eating poison apples because I'm starving.

And now, I think having some variety of sexual experiences is very important for people to understand themselves. I just had too much of a purity mindset about sex and romance that I had baked into my identity. And it put me in the position for a binge and restrict relationship with my sexuality.

And once I was out of that relationship and the restrictions that I placed on myself, I binged in a way that I didn't feel like I could stop or control.

But it sounds like you and your partner have been having important discussions about it. It's a tricky situation to navigate for sure. But if you're both on the same page, you could try an open relationship. 

It is challenging if he's not quite feeling as strongly about it as you are. So, that's definitely something to consider.

But one thing that I would say is that, those experiences did satisfy my curiosities. And I recognized that the experiences of hooking up are not that interesting.

If I hadn't had those experiences, it would certainly have made it harder to settle down with someone.

Edited July 6 by Emerald

[soos_mite_ah]

4 minutes ago, Emerald said:

It was like depriving myself of a needs (like food) for years because I believed that eating food and wanting variety with food was shameful.

So, then (from a state of starvation) I just "binged" on whatever was in front of me... like eating poison apples because I'm starving.

And now, I think having some variety of sexual experiences is very important for people to understand themselves. I just had too much of a purity mindset about sex and romance that I had baked into my identity. And it put me in the position for a binge and restrict relationship with my sexuality.

That makes sense. I think this desire to have some variety of sexual experiences is also coming from a desire to connect with different parts of myself and understand myself. I want to embrace different parts of myself I typically don't in my current relationship and see how I react to different kinds of partners. And I think in turn, it would help me have a more well rounded and exciting sexual relationship with my current partner as well. 

7 minutes ago, Emerald said:

It is challenging if he's not quite feeling as strongly about it as you are. So, that's definitely something to consider.

I guess my thing is that if it's starts to negatively impact him or this relationship, I'm aborting mission. Those are my priorities. 

I have no interest in hurting him or going behind his back to do anything which is why we're communicating to know where the boundaries are and where these desires are coming from. Even if I was dating other guys outside of this relationship, I would let them know about the situation with my current partner because I don't want to deceive them into a situation they aren't comfortable with either.  

9 minutes ago, Emerald said:

But one thing that I would say is that, those experiences did satisfy my curiosities. And I recognized that the experiences of hooking up are not that interesting.

If I hadn't had those experiences, it would certainly have made it harder to settle down with someone.

That makes sense. 

[Jannes]

I hear from a lot of relationship experts especially for those who help for a lack of a better term "regular" couples get a foot into open or poly relationships that these couples should make a trip out of town and book a hooker. 

Out of town because there isnt any social shame or stigma that could possibly haunt them after a bad experience "what we did in this town stays in this town". And with a hooker its also very clear that its a one time thing with no feelings or anything involved. 

 

When you sleep with other partner and your partner doesnt I am 99% sure he will have a huge grudge towards you, even if he doesnt say it or says its fine. All nice talk is superficial stuff, you have two bananas (lol) and he has one. Thats some ape level logic, you have to make sure you both have two bananas and then all the sweetness can continue to flourish. 

[Schizophonia]

7 minutes ago, Jannes said:

I hear from a lot of relationship experts especially for those who help for a lack of a better term "regular" couples get a foot into open or poly relationships that these couples should make a trip out of town and book a hooker. 

Out of town because there isnt any social shame or stigma that could possibly haunt them after a bad experience "what we did in this town stays in this town". And with a hooker its also very clear that its a one time thing with no feelings or anything involved. 

 

When you sleep with other partner and your partner doesnt I am 99% sure he will have a huge grudge towards you, even if he doesnt say it or says its fine. All nice talk is superficial stuff, you have two bananas (lol) and he has one. Thats some ape level logic, you have to make sure you both have two bananas and then all the sweetness can continue to flourish. 

You don't will have any pleasure sleeping with prostitutes.

People who promote debauchery actually have neurotic software and transmit their aggression into their libido.

Also, be careful with what I say btw, I have my own inclination towards aggression and neurotic software and that's why I tend to mirror these people.

loop 👺

Edited July 6 by Schizophonia

[Sugarcoat]

What I’m going to say is coming from a virgin so it’s to be taken with a grain of salt😂

 

Maybe figure out how your attraction works for you. Are you someone that values physical appearance in attraction a lot or are you more oriented towards personality or a nice mixture of both?

You specified “physical” type so I’m guessing you’re talking about appearance. If you find you tend to be really attracted to a particular appearance and it makes you extra horny it could be worth exploring. An example could be how some guys are very looks oriented, seems so more than women are, so they genuinely can have a more ecstatic experience if they sleep with a bombshell vs a more average woman. So if that’s you then maybe it’s worth going for it. You’d have to weigh in your mind what feels most important to you, exploration or your current relationship. Or communicate this to your partner and see if they’re open to have something more open LOL maybe that is not something you’d want

[soos_mite_ah]

43 minutes ago, Sugarcoat said:

Maybe figure out how your attraction works for you. Are you someone that values physical appearance in attraction a lot or are you more oriented towards personality or a nice mixture of both?

I feel like for me, personality and decent character matters more than looks hence my current relationship and hence why I never had a "hoe phase." I meant plenty of guys in college where I was like *hey, he's cute* and then they do/say something dumb or fucked up and then I'm like *welp.... I'm not into him anymore.*

I guess if I were to do something casual with no intention of a relationship, yes, I would weigh looks more but the personality/character has to be at least a 5/10. Meaning no weird right wing ideologies, not annoying, decently well adjusted, I'm not going to have to file a restraining order etc. Basically, I don't fuck crazy or stupid. It's a safety concern but it's also a moral thing (not gonna sleep with someone with values that are drastically different from mine), and a *I don't want to feel embarrassed after sleeping with someone even if they are hot* thing. 

[Sugarcoat]

28 minutes ago, soos_mite_ah said:

I feel like for me, personality and decent character matters more than looks hence my current relationship and hence why I never had a "hoe phase." I meant plenty of guys in college where I was like *hey, he's cute* and then they do/say something dumb or fucked up and then I'm like *welp.... I'm not into him anymore.*

I guess if I were to do something casual with no intention of a relationship, yes, I would weigh looks more but the personality/character has to be at least a 5/10. Meaning no weird right wing ideologies, not annoying, decently well adjusted, I'm not going to have to file a restraining order etc. Basically, I don't fuck crazy or stupid. It's a safety concern but it's also a moral thing (not gonna sleep with someone with values that are drastically different from mine), and a *I don't want to feel embarrassed after sleeping with someone even if they are hot* thing. 

You sound reasonable and normal. Yea I don’t really have good tips but just you’ll have to figure out what feels most worth it for you to do. You’re not alone with feeling an urge to explore others outside your relationship because the person you’re with affects your experience so it’s normal to want different types of experiences. You’re young too so it might feel too early to settle down and you might wanna explore yourself and others more. It can be tricky but it’s important to be honest with oneself full heartedly about one’s desires which it seems you are, because you don’t wanna be living in a lie, in denial of your true desires 

Edited July 6 by Sugarcoat

[Schizophonia]

1 hour ago, soos_mite_ah said:

I feel like for me, personality and decent character matters more than looks hence my current relationship and hence why I never had a "hoe phase." I meant plenty of guys in college where I was like *hey, he's cute* and then they do/say something dumb or fucked up and then I'm like *welp.... I'm not into him anymore.*

I guess if I were to do something casual with no intention of a relationship, yes, I would weigh looks more but the personality/character has to be at least a 5/10. Meaning no weird right wing ideologies, not annoying, decently well adjusted, I'm not going to have to file a restraining order etc. Basically, I don't fuck crazy or stupid. It's a safety concern but it's also a moral thing (not gonna sleep with someone with values that are drastically different from mine), and a *I don't want to feel embarrassed after sleeping with someone even if they are hot* thing. 

You might meet someone cool who isn't on your political side, but because you're very socially compliant, you prioritize such stupid things that will actually overshadow rational goals.
This is why many women in political circles suffer from violence more than average.

Edited July 6 by Schizophonia

[soos_mite_ah]

6 minutes ago, Schizophonia said:

You might meet someone cool who isn't on your political side

If this comment was made 20 years ago back when the difference between the left and the right in mainstream politics was on taxes and shit, I would agree. But in 2025, there is one side that is very clearly worse than the other. For the sake of a casual relationship, I'm not going to be too strict in terms of how politically/ personal values wise we're aligned, but there is a baseline. Excuse me for not wanting to fuck a Nazi  

5 minutes ago, Schizophonia said:

you prioritize such stupid things that will actually overshadow rational goals.

How is prioritizing my sanity, personal safety, and values stupid tf? And wtf do you mean "rational goals?" Are you talking about how my desire to have sex with a particular kind of man and that being overshadowed by context and additional factors some how irrational? Because if there is anything that's irrational, it's having sex with people without taking anything else into consideration other than attraction and being completely ruled by your impulses.

[RendHeaven]

9 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

Excuse me for not wanting to fuck a Nazi  

hmm 🤗 but what if it's hot? 😈🫠

 

9 hours ago, Schizophonia said:

but because you're very socially compliant, you prioritize such stupid things

bad move bro. the way you phrased that is insensitive and actually it's not even true. her priorities are intelligent.

I think you meant to say that love goes beyond political preference, but there are ways to suggest that without indirectly calling her stupid