What is the nature of work and why does it turn hostile

[Snt_lk]

At almost every employer I’ve worked at, the people/ coworkers I’ve worked with have progressively become hostile. I consider myself easy to work with and a hard worker. Sure, I’m a bit quiet at times but I’m never rude towards my coworkers and I make a strong effort to be easy to work with. This seems to backfire. Is this the nature of 9-5 work. I really dislike this about my reality.

[SwiftQuill]

@Snt_lk late stage capitalism gaslights you into thinking if you are cooperative and hard working you'll be fine. You won't. They use your humility and your kind hearted nature to exploit you. Employers will exploit you and coworkers will fuck you in the ass.

I suffered a lot at work for most of my life because of my people pleasing tendencies. I used to think if I put in that extra hour of work at the end of the day, if I do that one task (that's outside my department's focus), if I cooperate with my difficult coworker, if I do what they want, everything will be easier.

But it simply doesn't work that way. If you are a workaholic, they will use that against you. If you work 1 extra hour every single day, the one day you don't do it, your employer will say you're lazy.

If you do your coworker's task, at the cost of your own productivity, you will be punished for it.

It's crucial to find a healthy middle ground. I'm working on it myself to this day. 

Earlier this year I had a female coworker (a feminist) who always interpreted my requests for help as some sort of attention grabbing scheme. Like dude, I'm a programmer, and I need to discuss with programmers in the same project... about the project's details. I won't get into too much detail, but she refused to do Microsoft Teams meetings with me, she was very hostile to me all the time, even for asking simple, "yes" or "no" questions about the project. I tried everything, but she didn't cooperate.

My team leader told me "oh well she's a bit difficult to work with but I'm sure you can find a way to make it work". This is gaslighting. I did all sorts of retarded things, way outside my list of responsibilities, and our project suffered a lot of delays and hinderances, because she refused to interact with me.

So I quit that job.

But the lesson here is to never reach the same point I did. Don't bend over backwards for an employer or a coworker. It simply doesn't work. Not worth it. I should have stood my ground earlier and not let her get away with so much shit.

[Snt_lk]

@SwiftQuill I share a lot of that sentiment. It’s BS! But I’ve felt this way for a while and I’m tired of venting about it, I need a solution. 
 

I started a cleaning company in hopes that this would replace my 9-5 income but it’s also a bit difficult to find reliable cleaners that don’t flake. Even here, I pay a good wage and they still flake and ghost me.

I know there is a way out of this rat race where I don’t need to be a shitty person towards people. Back to the drawing board perhaps. Just tired of this 9-5 culture.

[SwiftQuill]

@Snt_lk Good job starting a company. I plan on starting a business as well, but only next year. As for money advice, I can't help you. I'm also a wagecuck. 

As for sanity advice, I say you need to identify your people pleasing tendencies. Here are examples I identified in myself:

• Saying "yes" immediately, and all the time.
• Staying up late at work.
• Avoiding confrontations with coworkers.
• Overapologizing (I used to start many emails with "I'm sorry for bothering" and even be like that in person).
• Overexplaining myself ("I understand you want me to do this, but you see, I have a lot of work on my pipeline right now, and the priorities bla bla bla..)
• Avoiding confrontations with my employer. I've had times when my employer was quite toxic. Yelling at me. I should have told him (politely and calmly) that I do not tolerate that kind of treatment. I may deserve to be scolded for something I did but not YELLED AT.

If you are too nice in this world, your mental health will become a wreck.

[Snt_lk]

@SwiftQuill Solid advice and thanks for that. 
 

I do think that it’s ok to appease and help people, so long as it doesn’t affect me adversely. And there is a place where I draw a line and the attitude of “fuck it, I’m not going to stand for this” takes over. But…. If that doesn’t work, I risk my livelihood.

 

It’s the taking advantage of this disposition that causes problems. I know this is just how the world works, but it doesn’t make it right.

 

I think this is the worlds biggest scam, not work, but the shit you have to go through to earn a living.

[Hojo]

Try to say hello and smile at everyone everyday. Even if they ignore you keep doing it. I know alot of hostility comes from people thinking you dont like them and dont want to talk to them so they dont be nice to you.

If you start a job and are super quiet and dont go out of your way to be noticed over time people will be mean to you because they have no idea who or what you are but you are around everyday. Then if you start to make jokes and stuff people wont respond because they have no idea what you are doing or are trying to do. This will make you feel worse.

In my recent job I went out of my way to say Hello and smile to everyone I see and now they say it to me and I dont have to. If you start off being nice and polite for a long time and then stop, people will notice and think its them and they will engage cause they are shitting on themselves too. Why is this person who is normally friendly not saying hello suddenly, is it me?

If you dont then they will just think this person never liked me and I dont care to entertain them. Then when you make a joke or try to be friendly they wont entertain you and you will be shut down.

Edited Tuesday at 12:39 AM by Hojo

[LastThursday]

I find that being agreeable in a work environment mostly works. But I have my limits, and can be disagreeable if people behave badly, which they will inevitably. The ideal is to talk through disagreements or bullying, but that's not always possible or even wanted. People do notice however if you stop being agreeable and it can make them feel uncomfortable - which helps them realise their bad behaviour has consequences - especially if you're disagreeable just to certain people. I've found that being disagreeable can sometimes make you more respected, especially amongst men.

Work is generally about getting the most out of you for the least amount of recompense. That process can involve a lot of social manipulation to achieve that, including being hostile and being unpleasant. Every work situation is different though. Just realise that in the end you can vote with your feet and leave, you always have that option. 

[meta_male]

On 15.5.2025 at 10:13 PM, Snt_lk said:

Is this the nature of 9-5 work.

Not inherently. But in many 9-5 work settings, politics (spoken or unspoken) play a big role and dysfunctions are tolerated due to poor leadership. If someone doesn’t play those games or refuses to engage in gossip or alliances, others may treat them as an outsider. Hard work alone doesn’t always earn trust.