Finished the LP course

[Jannes]

I needed that group theraphy place. 

[Jannes]

The people I feel drawn to I dont feel worthy for and the people I feel worthy for wont give me the support to overtake them. 

[Jannes]

When I hooked up witht he girl two weeks ago I invested so much emotionally. Even though it didnt lead to something, I at least was in the right mindstate for some time. 

[Jannes]

What am I even searching for in the social domain? Well special people I feel something for I guess. Is that even realistic though?

[Jannes]

Yesterday after I left the social spot I came in contact with my inner sense of social hurt. I said goodbye to a few people and in that moment when they wished me goodbye I had this sense of hurt. I cant really tell what it is, but I guess the moment of saying goodbye is a moment of some apparentness. Well it can be faked as well. I dont know but somehow this moment really clearly opened me up and showed me how small I feel and how much emotional pain there is. 

[Jannes]

And its not like I wouldnt have anybody. There are genuinely people interested to be friends with me, even with all the quirks.

[Jannes]

But all of these status games just feel so immature. Dont I know my value? 

[Yimpa]

2 minutes ago, Jannes said:

But all of these status games just feel so immature. Dont I know my value? 

You value Love.

[Jannes]

1 hour ago, Yimpa said:

You value Love.

[Jannes]

I want to create a piece of art which captures the paradox of how ridiciously twisted human love is but also that it is so so true from a certain POV. 

[Jannes]

Had a walk to the supermarket to buy some sweetener. I am really not lazy, its just my adhd chemistry. 

The walk got me thinking a bit. 

Everything worthwhile needs spirit. There is no real winning when you beat somebody. I am happy I didnt just leave the old theatre club outright but showed a gesture of interest. Just hating them would have left me so empty. 

[Jannes]

I thought about the picture of a very thin women pouring over with love for something. Love is much more beautiful in the right contrast. 

I dont think I had exactly this in my mind, but it let to it, the picture of a really thin person sharing their food is beautiful.

I could list a bunch of pictures of a person sharing their food, from fattest to most thin like different notes on a piano but the notes express the beauty of selflessness. Of course a person sharing food is just on possibility.  

[Jannes]

I was about to skip my RV session today. I already pre worked one session and was so tired after that day, it would have been fine. But I feel like how this routine is already ingrained in me and didnt want to weaken it so I did it anyway. 

Well the results were shit. I need advice. 

[Jannes]

I was dreaming pretty intensiley about my old theatre club again. I dont have long term relationship breakups as a reference but you could maybe make a comparison. Or I will still grief about it in 10 years or so. 

[Jannes]

I dont take my medication today, today is a day to refresh. 

I already loose a lot of focus. And likely the ability to assert myself. 

But also my ability to love out there things increases. 

[Jannes]

Coming off medication is insane, its feel pretty trippy and peaceful though. 

I dont think I can get much done but I would be a great bf in this state. 

Even managing the traffic was difficult, I strictly followed the rules to not be.. even finishing a sentence is difficult. 

Thought about my old theatre club as well, I opened more up to the idea of going there again which is to be expected as the medications helped me with building boundaries, so without these boundaries arent as strong anymore. However I dont really have an emotional path into it, the people I am most used to I hate the most basically. 

[Jannes]

Actually got through my RV session just because its a bit routinelike. The results were bad.

Notes:

Yo, I am farming deep unique positive emotions, those you would live and die for. Well I strave them as my awareness goes by. I get them in daydreams as well but usually one, I just got 3 unique ones. My adhd emotional body stretches out.

I thought, in the moment I would say target, the essence would reveal itself, but maybe no, maybe just a moment afterwards. My consciousness is closing when calling for the essence, not opening. How do i notice this only without medication? // well this que didnt help with the results either. SHIT

[Jannes]

RV without medication is like hell.  What the hell is my mind doing, its literally a circus in there as soon as I start to just focus and stop thoughts. 

I literally thought about stopping because it just didnt seem possible but then I decided to try a different approach of not waiting too long until my mind goes nuts which actually stopped it from going circus mode. Got some hits today but it could easily be luck. 

Also I notice that I am paying the price afterwards of indulging in high stimulating music like this:

17 hours ago, Jannes said: