Finished the LP course

[Jannes]

Elvanse is incredible. Way more concentration then with medicinet and my emotions arent all over the place. I feel like I can control them a lot more, it feels lighter and have way more confidence. 

Nothing bad so far. 

[Jannes]

Socializing went pretty incredible today. The new confidence was a game changer. There are so many instances where I made some progress. 

Most notably was probably with the proud girl. Saw here right at the beginning and had a perfect opening chat. Later across the table she held eye contact for a few seconds as an obvious sign. It was a really intimate sign all of the sudden actually. I think I just communicated myself so clearly this day that it reastablished a bit of a bond. Later another opportunity for chatting occured, I sat on the side and she just came from the round turning around and dropping her table tennis bat. Not sure if it was me or random. She talked to her friends though instead of giving me some attention. Later I played another game and when passed by I went for eye contact which she matched but she also played and regulated it a bit, opening her eyes a lot. Same thing happened when she walked into the other direction. It was a bit much of me all of a sudden I think, also I talked to other girls which likely makes her careful and maybe she just cant open up so fast. But that gesture was definitely out of my area of experience. 

I also had bad feelings about another girl which I am friends with and who seemed to want more but I didnt go for it. Then she seemed a bit hit off guard when I flirted with this girl two weeks ago. I really didnt know how she would react, I thought it would be hard for her, but it was just as always, she was even super friendly. Before medication I would have been so so worried. But this shows me I can just do my thing, have my own will and people will adapt to that. As long as I am honest about everything, its all good. 

[Jannes]

I like this style a lot even though its a bit fake. 

I had a bit of a wild pony once which went in this direction but it was more natural. Pink and orange glasses are cool. 

[Jannes]

Just found the term "anti-narcissm". A narcissist who puts tons of effort into not being perceived as a narcissist. 

Is it the devils gaslighting to not face their devilish ways or is it legit?

I could be guilty of that to a certain degree, certainly the want to be invisible is sometimes there. 

[Jannes]

If I was truly confident in my self expression I think I would wear this:

[Jannes]

What was so interesting yesterday was that I really didnt feel invisible, I could throw my emotional body into things. Other people need that for orientation. 

[Jannes]

I hate to admit it to myself but I really do aim sometimes to flirt with everyone around me. 

Thats something I didnt want to admit to myself in my old theatre club. I wouldnt have broken any rules or something, but its so hard to hold back when you go through everyone like butter. I held back a ton, making myself invisible even. But there is just the natural need to test out ones limit to estimate ones market value. Cant really transcend that. I havent found my limit yet. 

I feel the need for struggle which comes with finding ones match.

I dont know how to go about it, maybe go to another city, go ham and directly experience that it gets old quickly. 

Interestingly when I actually had a sexual partner much of the drive was gone. Not just the drive, my perceived potential. Actually making it happen is more difficult then in theory. 

Edited 1 hour ago by Jannes

[Jannes]

Airing out a huge chuck of devilry in myself. 

I love the idea of airing out the devil, it fits so perfectly.