Finished the LP course

[Jannes]

I can have intense bursts of energy and random creativity which is super exciting especially in acting as I noticed yesterday. The amount of crazy energy is unbelievable which is sleeping deep down. But sometimes I do dumb shit through that same uncontrolled energy as well which makes me block my energy. Like yesterday as well, I played a flirting corrupt police officer stopping a car with two ladies and in my estimation overstepped a comfort line even though everybody on the outside played along with it and didnt give me much signs that I overstepped a line but I am pretty sure I did and now I overthink this shit for days and block myself. 

 

“An ADHD mind is like a Ferrari engine with bicycle brakes.”   by Dr. Edward Hallowell

 

🧠 Interpretation:

Ferrari engine = powerful, fast, creative, energetic thinking

Bicycle brakes = poor impulse control, weak self-regulation, difficulty slowing down

Edited June 17 by Jannes

[Jannes]

I knew for years that my blockades hold me back a ton, but it just looked so hopeless that maybe I thought I need to accept that things are shitty. 

But this cost my psyche so much and somehow healing from that I get a lot of energy back now.

Also in a sense friends are brakes because they help me fit in, give me feedback of whats acceptable and what not. I am slowly extinguishing the fire there. I am not yet accomplishing much yet in terms of Esteem needs, but with belonging and love more met I am much closer to making self actualization possible. 

 

Edited June 17 by Jannes

[Keryo Koffa]

Straight up calling belongingness propaganda and esteem the sin of pride 
Self-fulfillment would be leaving this realm 🌐🧑‍🚀 as any psychonaut would vouch 

Sorry for diluting your journal, I just felt like there was a point to cut straight into that I resonated with.

Edited June 17 by Keryo Koffa

[Jannes]

4 hours ago, Keryo Koffa said:

Straight up calling belongingness propaganda and esteem the sin of pride 
Self-fulfillment would be leaving this realm 🌐🧑‍🚀 as any psychonaut would vouch 

Sorry for diluting your journal, I just felt like there was a point to cut straight into that I resonated with.

Yes but I have an ape brain and have monkey needs, can't ingnore that. For years I coudlnt even access much on psychedelics cause my crying survival needs clouded my vision. Not sure how it would be right now. 

There is an interesting balance you can strike. You know when you completly cut yourself off from people you actually feel more pressure to fit in cause your unconscious cave men survival program sees you in danger and pressures you and makes you feel like shit. And this also leaves an important perspective of normal peoples life on the table. People who are super integrated on the other hand can sometimes be way more authentic because their unconscious program doesnt see them in danger so it grants them more leeway but then of course at the cost of taking in societies way of thinking. 

Maybe in a good balance you can get the best out of both worlds. 

This question of how you go about sozializing when you have spiritual pursuits is super old. My philophy teacher back then gave me the book the Steppenwolff. Its about a guy pursuing truth all his life and living miserably because he cant connect to anyone, he takes all the disadvantages of pursuing truth but didnt reach god it seemed. So he wants to ends his life. But then right before it he wants to kill himself he becomes to scared to actually do it and gives in, sozializes and a whole new world opens up for him. He soften ups and heals all the damage of his past. But then later does LSD and comes in contact again with all the bullshit humans do and gets the insight that he needs to develop his sense of humor as a strategy to combine both living with humans and also keeping his truth seeking in a healthy way. 

Idk maybe he should have killed himself instead and keep his dignity..

But people have socialized and still reached all the spiritual insights. I think one should simply be clever about it and seperate sozializing from spiritual pursuits, I am still figuring out how to do it.  

4 hours ago, Keryo Koffa said:

Sorry for diluting your journal, I just felt like there was a point to cut straight into that I resonated with.

I would rather have you here then on the Thoughts and Insights yournal. 

edit: Sorry if I sound rude, I would like to keep my Thoughts and Insights Journal private but you can comment here no problem.

On 29.5.2025 at 1:02 AM, Jannes said:

I sometimes suck at certain communication rules. If I want something, I dont know how to ask for it. I am either overly nice or straight forward and the letter comes off as egocentric. I feel like most people have dipped into the water enough to develop some strategies, I havent to the same degree.

Edited June 17 by Jannes

[Jannes]

Had a nap that got very existentially deep for some reason.. I got a trippy short insight into the working of my mind as a search engine and whatever I search for more pops up more often. And also how on an existential level I suffer appearently without realizing it because I have nothing deep to work towards. 

Which opened up the question if I want that or if I want a good dream. But this flashed by pretty quickly. 

____

I went to an information day for ergotheraphy last saturday. It was okay, if I do it then I would probably have a class with some younger people there. 

 

Its really important for me to feel peoples problems and help them to overcome them. So a job like ergotheraphy could be great for that. The problem however is that I always think that helping people with everyday problems isnt doing much in the greater picture. Yeah I might help a few but I am ultimately part of the rat race. And so I am thinking of creating content about spirituality which isnt solving practical problems but helps people recognize the metaphysical beauty of existance to accept or love reality however dark it is at the moment more. 

Let me phrase it as perfect as it gets

On 30.12.2024 at 1:52 PM, Jannes said:

Seeing the existential structure in fucked up situations to love reality profoundly.

On 31.12.2024 at 9:39 PM, Jannes said:

Finding existential beauty in fucked up situations to heal peoples traumas.

On 27.4.2025 at 0:58 AM, Jannes said:

Finding existential beauty in fucked up situations to open people to profound love.

-> Artistically pointing out existential beauty in relative uglyness to heal people.

But then this becomes a little too much for me as well sometimes. I love to help people with small problems, the are shortlived but while they are there they fullfill me, I just need to find a system of getting problems from people constantly so I dont run out, aka working as something like an ergotherapist. This is not my current thinking btw. but through the recent life changes these thoughts stored in my memory opened up to me again. 

[Jannes]

Just now, Jannes said:

-> Artistically pointing out existential beauty in relative uglyness to heal people.

But what do I even mean by that? I can only do that IF I actually integrate a state of consciousness where I can see existential beauty. 

Its just I experienced being existentially very happy and connected to some source and I see other people not connected to that source and in pain and so I want to connect other people to it as well to some degree..

I like emotional, moralizing storys like Avatar the Last Airbender, but it doesnt get to the existential root. But maybe creating something beautiful takes being created to the existential. Like the beauty of Apples design (back then) , or exceptional humor , or deep morality .. 

 

What would my role be in that? I am imagining doing emotional and philosophical labor for other people, like a bird pre chewing food for its babies.  

 

On 14.3.2024 at 2:39 PM, Jannes said:

I would like to create content that raises societies level of insights, love and consciousness. For that you have to make your understanding very clear and accessible. I thought about art. Mangas and films might be great for that as well. But exaggerated illustrations are great as well. It's very hard to create something like this I would imagine because your understanding needs to be actual and very clear.

 

 

Or this:

 

[Jannes]

Missed a social opportunity today. Not sure if its like the more the better but its very clear that healing socially is a key thing I need to do to get better and so find my LP. 

Okay there seemed to be mostly dudes anyway. I like to befriend girls a lot as well, I feel much more comfortable with an even mix. Need to find spots for that. 

Edited June 17 by Jannes

[Jannes]

On 22.5.2025 at 8:56 PM, Jannes said:

Wild card - Remote viewing

If I were less open minded I would actually have it easier to get a normal job. So wouldnt it only be a sort of a natural balance that because of my disadvantage there that I would have it easier else where like finding a well paying job one could only find through open mindedness and that I also have the abilities to do it, ... please, please universe bend to my interpretation of you which has my human bias?

Like can remote viewing be a real thing people and I can make money from ?

 

___________________

 

I already did a course on remote viewing once, talking like 3 hours with a guy who could apperently do it. And he coached me and I did it myself and I correctly identified a volcano through coordinates alone. I remember saying things like intense energy, gray, ash, ... He even told me that one could make good money with it. This was my entry haha. Well I dont quite know what I thought about it back then, despite correctly identifying parts of the volcano it was so vague that I thought it could just be interprated to make it fit. And all the other talk seemed a little weird although I didnt come to a full conclusion if this was real or not. So I didnt follow it afterwards partly because of that confusion but also maybe because I was running away from something good.

 

I downloaded Skype again to find the contact I had the conversation about remote viewing with. It wasnt there anymore unfortunately. But in my mails I found a transaction for a Taster session for 30 Euro for Stefan Franke in 2019. This seems to be it. Hmm... 

 

 

Stefan Franke seems grounded, intelligent and humble. Very good sign. He also gives all kinds of examples of how remote viewing can be applied and also which strenghts different remote viewer have. Depending on your mind you can remote view some things better then other things. If you are very social you can remote view social dynamics more, a person with a technical mind can remote view technical things better. And appearently you can remote view all kind of things about the future like where society is headed and so on. I stay sceptical but if that all works it would be fantastical. 

The taster session now costs 75 Euros, a beginner course almost 2000 Euros. The whole package costs 4000 Euros. 

I do have the money for it right now. 

If this all works it would get me a toe into a new realm. And honestly with AI becoming so strong qualia is one of the few things which we have above AI. And this includes psychic phenomena. So its important to expand this work before humans sink into meaninglessness before AI. 

And in terms of paying my rent, he also speaks about working for private people, I could ask if thats a job which can pay you enough money to live. 

I will watch more content for now: 

 

Edited June 18 by Jannes

[Jannes]

On 13.6.2025 at 4:56 AM, Jannes said:

Its hard to say, I might be the most socially confident I ever was right now. I might have had a stronger fassade of confidence before, but in terms of actual confidence this might be my best right now. 

Ahahaha I was scared to leave the house today. It was a mixture of things probably, maybe because I havent socialized a lot the last couple of days, maybe because of the thing on monday, maybe because a girl isnt texting me back and I admit, I put a few hopes into it, maybe other stuff came up from leaving the club, who knows.. 

But at my spot today it kind of went okay which was a relief. At this point some people kind of now that I have problems fitting in. Then I hugged a women I knew from before. We kind of had a weird dynamic, where we vibed but she kind of wanted more and I gave the wrong signs and then it came to a moment which felt kind of like herassment. And people around noticed and its kind of shameful for her and kind of weird for me and she often tried to overplay it with being super cool but at some moments bringing in playful sexual gestures which felt bad. But the vibe was good the last couple of times and I kind of forgot about it all and went to hug her I felt inauthentic to myself. Like I didnt want to hug her. And it reflected the same dynamic as in the club where people wanted something from me, I declined, it maybe became kind of toxic, but I still played along trying to be friends with them which felt really inauthentic. 

Trying to get me out of the situation, there were a few chill spots in the dark which I enjoyed. Felt great to let all the bad emotions come up without disrupting them. Then she came to me for some reason and I felt interrupted in my safe space. 

Later it became difficult to get into the social mood again. Getting out when you need time alone is important but a change of state is hard, reactivating the social state can take a while. It became better though but nothing compared to the states I reached last week. 

I saw many of the same people I saw last time and last time I vibed with them so well, I was magnetic, this time I felt more like an outsider. Such a drastic change like that. I am in the mood to cry. 

People still randomly support me sometimes, stage green is king. 

[Jannes]

I love futuristic ideas about how society might evolve. I am thinking of giant intelligent skyscraper cities, powered by AI with huge natural parks around it. I am not thinking much about what the technology would entail, I am thinking more about how to engineer an atmosphere, a collective state of consciousness with the structures given which creates life, purpose, connection.

Man there is a foto I want to put right here but I dont know where it is in this forum. I have a very strong emotional memory and memory of what the message was but not about the details. These strenghts and weaknesses may be some puzzle pieces for my LP. 

This is cool as well.

 

[Jannes]

I felt really tired the last couple of days, there seems to be a lot of emotional processing. 

[Jannes]

Working this saturday to get access to the Fusion Festival next week! Amazing opportunity to socialize, I havent even been on a festival before. 

[Jannes]

On 19.6.2025 at 11:55 PM, Jannes said:

 

Needed to calm down a bit and consciously allowed myself to enjoy some free time which I mostly dont do because I always have unfinished tasks which I simply procrastinate on, so this guilt free time felt good for a change. 

'Read' through the first manga. Its such a great manga. Well it could have a little more humor, its very dark and action filled but it still catched me. Its so packed full of ideas of how things could go very sideways with future technological advancement in biological engineering. And the scenery is amazing. 

[Jannes]

Interesting, he says he observes all the time, tries to figure that out and then puts this into his work. 

Its very similiar for me in acting, I am always on the lookout for interesting situations, try to grasp the dynamics and how to turn that into humor.. even when I say to myself that acting might not be for me.. 

On 7.6.2024 at 2:05 PM, Jannes said:

Watched this 3 times already. There are so many things I like about it. He seems so authentic and unfiltered which is rare. And there are many elements of his life which I want to integrate as well like the passion to work on a project for 2 weeks straight. 

 

[Jannes]

Fusion diaries

I am going to write a bit about how the event is going. The first day I came kind of late and I was pissed of at myself for it. Wandered around the area and found a few familiar faces. This place is super super leftist and Stage green all around. Imagine 70000 stage green people in one spot creating an event. Of course there is no capitalist advertising, music techno, stage green workshops and seminars. 

Later the day I went partying and found a person I talked in Berlin with. He has like a very marcant thing about him. Very attractive and with a super wild pirate vibe to him. On the dance floor he always openly did some cocaine and then swang his hips back and forth suggesting a fucking gesture. It was so depraved of any spirit I could not take it anymore and we parted ways soon. But I guess this was his unique strategy, I guess there are girls who would be up for cocaine and sex with a wild but handsome pirate. Through all the night I had a bad feeling because I let a seminar group down. I would need to drive like 6 hours back and forth to do a small part in a presentation but they were pissed of at me for good reason. 

I didn't organize it earlier and was afraid of confrontation so I didn't speak about it until it was too late. 

It's super my fault of course, but the intensity of how this felt was just too strong. Because of my add I made so many unintentional mistakes people were mad at me about so I became very careful and afraid to step out of line. When I get negative feedback it feels especially strong because it is connected to so many experiences. So of course I can't have a certain confidence that other people have. 

 

Second day I got up pretty quickly. Didn't really know what to do that day so I wondered around a bit. I found the workshop area though which was cool and I produced a Led-unicorn. Didn't really feel the vibe though, felt like a lone wonderer a bit disconnected from the place and the people. Basically everyone there comes in groups so it's not as easy to find connection. Randomly found a theatre which I visited. It was a funny play about Sweden's alcohol consumption. Whenever I go to the theatre I manage to work through some inner blockades. I think it's because a distraction which I hold long and deeply enough so inner shit can be worked through. 

Well I thought about the seminar thing again and decided that I would offer to drive the 6 hours to do the presentation with them. The two were prepared to do it alone now though. Just talking about it and resolving the conflict felt so good. I can't can't can't live and breathe when there is massive conflict, I am just not built for that. (Which is a major reason why being a teacher can't work for me).

There was a talk area and I listed to three talks each an hour long, one about the workings of psychedelics, the second about AI oligarchy and the third about radical feminists. And after that was something like a soft version of speed dating. I wasn't really ready through all the talks before I just happened to be there and found the topics so interesting that I stayed. But I always wanted to know how speed dating is like so I stayed. Well there were a lot of questions and depending if we leaned more into yes or no we should position ourselves in the room and find people near us to have a talk with. It was going okay, later on I activated some pick up confidence though and sniped a girl a few people away with a smile and gesture. So we talked a little. She didn't give me her number though as she wanted to meet people first which is kind of hard in this place as we probably won't see ourselves again. There was this other girl with orange coloured hair and a leopard hat looking like a Russian hat or something who looked so interesting and attractive. Couldn't get a talk with her unfortunately. Speed dating is pretty interesting but the problem is always that there is a bit of pressure that something must happen.

At night I went partying again even though I was pretty tired. This became a bit like a pick up place for me as I didn't really get much out of the place otherwise. This is a place to have fun with other people but when you are on your it all gets old pretty fast, there are better things I could do on my own. I chatted with chatgpt the night prior about pick up and it is surprisingly good. Basically physical escalation is super hard for me, like impossible hard. Even not on a dance floor being physical is really hard for me, I have just some developmental blockades there. I also sometimes have it that another person shows interest and I don't know how to behave then. Chatgpt gave me the very interesting insights that thinking freezes me up, I have to act impulsively in the exact moment the feeling of doing something comes up. I simply have to learn to get better at choosing the right impulses I want to entertain. And I think that has to do with self honesty and guts. 

 

Third day and I slept like 10 hours straight. I was constantly on the move for like 16 hours yesterday so my whole system is overloaded. It was hard for me to entertain a light talk with another person yesterday which is a clear sign that the fundamentals don't stand, if I can't do that then I have no business being on a dance floor. But it also raised the question of what I really want and I have to be very honest about it. I am really interested in basically being a player and sleeping around, I didn't do it though because I didn't have enough friends and emotional stability as a base so I kind of let go on that idea and am more looking for a relationship. But now here my perspective changes again. 

I want both, at last a phase with lots of free sex and a deep relationship. Hrmph 

I went 20 outside of the festival base and I still hear the fucking music clearly. My nervous system needs to recover a bit, this is a good place for it. 

 

What I realized over the last couple of days is that in terms of relationships, people are monkeys. Maybe this is even some stage blue leftovers in me, but I always thought that when two people are together, it's because of some deep and spiritual bond. Not that I reasoned myself to it but it was just how I would have done it so I expected that from everyone around. But people are just taking the best option they get and when a better option comes along they have no problem breaking up their relationship or even cheat. It feels grounding to come to this realization because I was always fighting this even though it was my experience again and again and again. So what do I do with this? 

 

Another thing I realized is that I do have very specific demands of what I want from a person. I could have lots of friends but most of them don't interest me at all. I kind of feel like a hot girl who says she can't get a boyfriend. But it is just how it is, I feel lonely with people where the vibe doesn't truly fit, so I need to accept myself for that. 

But in this way it can be hard to reach the people I am interested in, as when I am lonely I kind of give of low energy which makes it hard to connect. But on the other hand 'connecting' with people I am not interested it disconnects me with myself. 

This inner struggle may stem from being disconnected from myself, I try to be a party person, connect with lots of people, get sex, because from my true self it was hard to connect to other people. But when I look back this isn't even really the case, it's more that I couldn't believe that people actually liked my real self. Or well I did find less people but a few right ones and it doesn't matter that it were less because all the potential options I have now don't even matter to me. This is some deep inner work here damn. 

At night I decided to be slow, bought a cacao, sat on a nice location and nipped at it. The cacao could have been enough for 6 hours. But I realized that this was a way to do game even though I wanted to relax. Did an approach with a girl where I built a bit of eye contact and I was terrified and she mirrored my energy. Complete fail but it still got me into a better social mood because it was an honest approach, I tried not in a fake way and that built me up even though it was a fail. 

Later on the dance floor I exchanged smiles with a girl. I tapped her shoulder and asked for her name following my impulses. That was all I had in me, like I just continued dancing without doing anything more which I thought was awkward but she kind of integrated me with small gestures and even offered me a mint after she offered one her friends. Then she danced with her back towards me, coming closer to me and throwing her arms back. So I thought this was the opportunity I had yesterday to built some light body contact. So I let her gently strife my hand two times and nothing happened. And then I did it a third time in an more obvious way, forcing a reaction from her and I immeditaley made an oops didn't mean to reaction. This was wrong. 1) I should have been more chill, the built up could have taken a little longer. 2) I shouldn't have been in an apologizing state, that just means I am not owing my interest. 

Well she distanced herself a bit which was the excepted reaction and after 10 minutes of nothing from her I left. 

What I learned though is that physical escalation is possible even with my sensitive add mind. I wrote down the most important building blocks:

Strategy:

Stay grounded (feel the ground)

Built up your state (even awkward conversations bring me forward)

Follow impulse before thought (thought always looses)

Coming closer strategy: 

Coming closer

Matching energy in dance 

Very light Streifer are okay

Not expecting to apologize when I force a reaction for touch, moreso smiling. (When there is obvious negative reaction letting go of course)

 

Forth day now.

I slept well, don't have much money anymore but all in all feel pretty well. This is an insight I had today, writing this while I am in the middle of the event leaned against a tree looking at people, a girl just offered a hängematte woohoo:

When I conflicted I get paralyzed. In human interaction which isn't fully authentic, like when some depression is taking part then I can't handle the situation at all. 

There is a friend I have who is also at Fusion and I walk by his tent like twice a day and he is also there with friends. But our connection is also not fully authentic. I really really like him but I accidently flirted with his ex-gf who would have chosen me if I gave her the chance. Because I was 100% on his side and didn't make a deal out of it allt all, our connection kind of remained but we never spoke about it and so yeah it's a bit weird. Anyway so as I walked by today he greeted me and we had a bit of a chat, his friends were also there. But it was like only he showed any interest and kind of let go of interest after a few sentences of exchange. He actually put a lot into it but it was clearly not super authentic more like wanting to great a person you are cool with, not your bestie. 

As I walked by the tent later I didn't know what to do, like should I greet him or not and to which degree. I kind of smiled in his direction shily with repressed feeling of hurt wanting to hit my forehead afterwards. I just can't can't can't deal with these situations. Maybe I should become a punk, punks are super transparent. 

I am collecting situations which are similar to this. 

I also had kind of an inauthentic connection to a girl and she was really hurt for some reason and I got to here and offered a hug. Somehow I almost couldn't let go of the hug like my mind noticed that it was time to let go but I was glued to her. 

 

____

 

Saw my friend who helped me earlier. Well I saw him before but it wasnt as close this time he clearly ignored me.. Well nobody just gives away love for free, I thought already that this won't last, but I don't know what he was getting out of that in the first place.. It's understandable but it still hurts. It makes me emphasize with my ex f+ though, I was pouring a lot into it without getting much back. 

Just chilling can be so cool. 

I was chilling almost the whole day, just being conscious without doing much. 

At night I wanted to party again, I knew the process I made and could work on that but I felt emotionally exhausted and lying there processing shit felt so god damn good. So I stayed so long that I slept through the whole night. But I also feel guilty and like a coward, not sure how much if going on today anymore but hookup time might be over. But I did follow myself and I felt very rare and conscious emotions.

 

Generally I don't know why it was so hard for me to just find a group to hang out with. Like I never really approached any groups of people. 

It's possible to work at the Fusion for money and free meals as well. Three days of 5 or 6 hour shifts. I am for sure doing that next time as you stay connected to other people the whole time. Just through work you can have social connection which isn't forced, or well it is forced in the situation but in this way it is natural. 

 

Fith day

So this is kind of the last day, tomorrow I will pack my things somewhere in the middle of the day and go. I see other people packing their things already.

 

I can't be friends with people I don't respect, I just can't. I really really like the guy whos gf I accidently flirted with and who would have choosen me over him if I let it happen and now even with trying to be hyper mature about it the real connection is just not possible. Not sure how talking about it would change things, it is kind of a big elephant in the room. 

 

So in this way it is important to heal myself to come into a position to be powerful enough to attract the kind of people who I respect. Or can people heal each other? 

 

I chilled the whole day waiting for evening/ party time. Danced a little and was quite good at it haha all the times I danced on my own made me quite a decent dancer. There was a girl who seemed interested but she was from the team and it didn't seem natural to approach her. Later I went back to the stage and it was empty but she was still there and I asked her when it would start again. She told me in an hour or so and I started a conversation. At some point I asked how old you have to be to be part of the Fusion and she sayed 18 and because she said she was at the Fusion 5 times I asked if she was 23 (22 lol) and she replied that she was 26 which was quite surprising. There were two times when she said things that didn't really make any sense if she actually followed the conversation consciously like first she asked me which floor was my favourite which I told her was this floor earlier in the conversation and she stumbled over some obvious word. At some point she randomly stopped the conversation though and told me that she wished me a good night. My guess is either that she was surprised by my sudden interest and couldn't handle all the interest at once or she felt me trying pretty hard and got uncomfortable. It's weird because I usually know very well what I did wrong in an approach but this was very unexpected. 

Took a few other dance floors and allowed myself to spent the last physical money I had with me on some alcohol as I was sober the whole time. One beer in and a experienced a huge difference and after one and a half I got into a super social mood. The dance floors were crowded as hell though it wasn't fun at all. And some point I just felt a huge 'fuck this place' feeling and I went back to my tent. Realistically I get way more out of other places then the event. I approached the whole event wrong, I think it's important to come with friends or built a friend group. The loud music made it hard to truly relax. Now in the tent I feel a bit like a looser but hey I tried a lot, that matters. 

Okay 6th day, the day I drive back. Got a light sunburn in my face which I wanted to avoid so much as I want to slow the aging process. I am a bit terrified of going back into normal life even though the event was also terrifying. What I need is a clear direction of where to go and friends basically then life will be better. My LP can come after I managed survival. Even just doing a normal job can help me a lot as it gives me routine and people to socialize with. 

Thought about the one time my friend at the festival greeted me with the other friends as well. They were all opening up to me for a moment. I guess I needed to take that chance at the very moment and that I didnt take the first chance might have gave them the impression that I am not interested. You just look for what you already believe damnit. 

[Jannes]

 

[Jannes]

I felt really good in the morning. One of the reasons is because I was forced to be conscious all the time at the event. Well of course I would distract myself with dancing and stuff but I was there and in my body. Peter Ralston talks about it that you become more conscious when you are physical because you at least experience actual reality. 

 

This is why studying feels so bad for me, or why doing something where I am involved directly would feel so much better. I did this mini job at the super market and while I did hate it I remember how much I processed shit because I always needed to be in the moment, undistracted by other things. I miss my shitty job, it actually gave me some emotional stability. 

 

So a qualification could be way better then studying for my mental health. 

 

Just bought myself a crochet set for beginners.

[Jannes]

In a sense all the insights I made during the Fusion are more valueable because it was out of my trance and from a higher state of consciousness because I needed to be conscious all the time without distraction. 

[Jannes]

I kind of knew but somehow never looked at it, maybe because I was uncomfortable with it but there are many online body doubling websites especially for ADHD folks! 

This could be a great tool to make me more productive. Will check it out tomorrow, today I basically got nothing done. 

[Jannes]

I am writing with a girl atm and even though the conversation is pretty wholesome somehow I dont really get much out of it. Like even though I tell myself I am lonely this conversation just bores the shit out of me, or I cant take the feeling of connection or this is a new thought I try to make connection work but my mind doesnt create enough dopamine from simple talk so it takes me some time of collecting to respond to a message. 

It also got me thinking at the gym today, I try to be moral and all but I do have a primal part to myself, if I am not aligned to a significant degree with my devil/ primal side I just loose interest just like it just wasnt possible to logik myself into befriending the nice guy when I didnt really respect him. So when I have nice talk with this girl but know that I could be a Fuckboy if I really wanted to maybe this beta nice guy talk wont get support from my primal brain. If I had no other option then sure this is the best I got and I could settle peacefully but it doesnt seem so.