Finished the LP course

[Jannes]

Weirdly comforting:

 

[Jannes]

I kind of learn to express myself through this blog.

[Jannes]

I sometimes suck at certain communication rules. If I want something, I dont know how to ask for it. I am either overly nice or straight forward and the letter comes off as egocentric. I feel like most people have dipped into the water enough to develop some strategies, I havent to the same degree.

[Jannes]

On 25.5.2025 at 0:49 PM, Jannes said:

I wrote the leader of my club a text message that I want to leave the club a few days ago. He hasnt replied yet. I thought about it for more then a year now and writing the message itself took me about 6 hours with weeks beforehand. The club was the biggest heartbreak I ever had, I committed so deeply so breaking from it created panik in me. It was almost perfect, a place where I could find out who I am, almost. But there was just such an accumulation of bullshit I experienced there, it just doesnt feel right anymore.

After I wrote the text message I felt pretty vulnerable, like I dont have my group to protect me anymore.
 

It was interesting the evening after that I dreamed pretty vividly, I remember taking LSD in the dream. I am clearing up and might be more open to psychedelics again.

 

Made a tour yesterday to clear my head. I almost went back into writing the leader of the club that he should forget about the message and that I will be back. I will face a pretty harsh reality where I dont have the club as a supporting group (even though it was toxic there) while also not having many other options. It might all be because I felt the support of my student friend that I had the confidence to leave the club, but I cant rely on that. I notice however how making new connections with other people feels a little more organic and natural, like my primate brain adapts to the new survival situation.

The leader of the club replied back a couple days later and asked some questions. Then so much shit which was stirred up inside me came up and I gave a very long voice message describing parts of my experience but in a raw way.

At first I was anxious getting this out. Then I felt super authentic and confident. Still have some doubt mixed in but I generally feel really good about it... this doesnt capture the emotional weight AT ALL but I am to tired to describe it in detail right now.

Edited May 28 by Jannes

[Jannes]

I feel very clear in my head now. I feel SO ready to do psychedelics again, its absurd. I needed to talk about all of this in the club so badly...

I do feel bad however and think of the consequences that I might create by revealing all this. Its quite a net which could turn against me.

[Jannes]

My emotional system is constantly overloaded. I need to find ways to balance me to do anything.

[Jannes]

Chickens are such great material for video game characters, because they cant really fly a long distance but enough to do some key things. Which makes it balanced. Having a birds body would be very fun to explore but at some point you have seen most tricks. A chicken body seems in a sense way more fun because you have to do pretty unique movement regarding each challenge. Imagine a chicken super mario costume.

 

Edited June 3 by Jannes

[Jannes]

A bunch of things happened the least days. Very importantly I finally left the club for good. I made a long voice message to the leader of my club where I finally spoke my honest truth. I noticed that its important for me to speak my truth, even if others dont believe it.

I gained a lot of clearity through that and finally felt trippable again after all this time.

Took 150q of lsd but the trip wasnt good at all. Almost nothing happened, where before 150q lsd was pretty strong for me. I had a lot of victim energy built up from leaving the club and a lot came up from that. Not sure how healthy that was.

I have had an almost perfect social evening today. Not sure what the reasons were, I have pretty much nobody I knew but I have had a different drive, a different feeling of neccessity then normal to find connections today and it worked wonderfully. Pretty much the whole night I was talking and connecting with people. Unfortunately at the end of the night a guy who si a little older directly asked me if we want to f*ck. He was nice and socially adaptive actually, I liked to talk to him before, he was a little close then, but I thought I was maybe interpreting to much into it and when I am a little more distant that would signal the right message. Well it did not. But somehow after I said No, he wasnt really kind of still pushed. I kind of wanted to shake him off without being rude but I think I was so nice in that that he thought I was maybe shy or something. This went on for a bit. It was so weird, I actually coudlnt tell if he was nice or manipulative and I can see through people very fast. I have a problem setting boundaries it seems. If I want to have joy, I have to be able to protect it.

This may be a belief system I hold: 'Being happy makes me vulnerable' 

[Jannes]

I feel like I already kind of live my LP with my other journal that I do. Its about philosophy a lot but often embedded in art and if thats the combination it really feels like my style. 

I hate social media but maybe I could from the start enable all kind of blockers from the start and then for transfer some of my insights onto it, maybe instagram. 

I can even disable seeing how many likes a post got on instagram. 

[Jannes]

On 6.6.2025 at 3:07 AM, Jannes said:

Took 150q of lsd but the trip wasnt good at all. Almost nothing happened, where before 150q lsd was pretty strong for me. I had a lot of victim energy built up from leaving the club and a lot came up from that. Not sure how healthy that was.

I thought I may have a lot of emotional baggage still, but the lsd was old, thats probably why I didnt have a deep trip at all. I didnt feel a lot at all even "in the wrong direction". 

I feel trippable all the time coming from a clearer place. But it may be a bad idea right now. I thought now might be a good time to realize god so that I got a taste of that and then I can focus on something else again but this eats so much attention. When I trip I kind of dont really care about my survival situation anymore. So maybe I should put it on the side until I got everything handled. 

[Jannes]

I have been listening to Peter Ralston lately who has a podcast on the Apple Podcast App. I listened to the episode where he talked about the mundane. That its not about following spiritual fantasies as reality is completly mundane. But he doesnt speak of mundane as something negative, we give it that meaning. 

I really enjoyed that and it actually made me a lot more present and peaceful. I realized that there is always this part of me that wants to feel deeply, almost bipolar style. And there is no way I could get anything done from that point. But from the point of accepting the mundane as it is suddenly I felt capable, as what I needed to do was simply mundane.

I wonder if this deep search for these deep feelings stems from remembering something spiritual or if its just the human condition. 

[Jannes]

I listened to other episodes of Ralston as well. I am hooked, Ralston is a great inspiration to me. Its interesting, for the sober mundane everyday life Ralston seems to really know shit on how to engineer your consciousness. I dont know what he thinks of God and stuff yet but I will watch more of him. 

[Jannes]

I am emotionally at a much more stable place. At my self help group I met the girl again who helped me with my emotions a little just interpersonally. But I am not even searching for emotional help anymore or not to this crazy degree. All this time I thought I have a problem with flirting but at least largely it was more that I had a lot of emotional baggage and needed other people to help me with that but didnt get help until my hero friend jumped in. 

Last time she even searched a little for me to give signs again and today as well but I didnt respond like before. She left earlier and said that she didnt feel good earlier and does it for her mental health now. Well I cant be sure.. but its likely and I feel a bit sorry for her. But I know if I feel to sorry I will just create the exact problem I want to solve in attraction more confusion as I need people to heal me from this emotional baggage who then I miscommunicate with..

[Jannes]

I dont gain much from the self help group anymore. I still sometimes go for socializing but much of the growth which I got from intellectual understanding is gone. I would like to meet more adhd people but in the self help group there are only very few people my age. 

What I heard today again though is that many say they are only in adhd friend groups. So sad that this hotspot doesn't seem to be an option. 

[Jannes]

Found a new social spot for every wednesday wohoo! 🏓

Socializing is very good for my mental health atm. It kind of heals me from the experience from the club. 

And I am surprised how much confidence I have. Its not a whole lot but I manage to approach people and generally feel pretty okay. If I keep at it I can see how I improve a ton. 

[Jannes]

This evening I felt emotionally very strong. I felt like I could really take a deep trip. Then I got sleeping... 

 

I was just being myself in my child's room and suddenly something hit me. I knew I was in mystical territory somehow as I felt like something shocking was about to unravel, my intuition warned me, if I just stayed very altert and conscious and wouldn't get suck into my ego minds defend mechanisms which tried to put me back to sleep. So I stayed conscious and literally saw the face of my biggest temptation flashing by haha. Not the hottest girl but one that likes to sleep around and would introduce me into her world with all the skills haha. 

 Then I had this interesting experience.

What happened was that I found out that my whole experience of the world was just a bubble of experience.

My experience transformed into a visual bubble and also a smell bubble and when I looked at both of them at the same time they merged and created just one bubble of experience.

All of reality became: Consciousness experiencing consciousness.

One singularity. 

Nothing outside of that.

I was that bubble. 

No body, or brain or something objective out there, just the experiencer and the experience at the same time. 

I think in this dream I also realized that this bubble is god but I am not sure anymore. 

The experience lasted relatively shortly as I got very excited and couldn't hold the experience any longer, like you can't hold a lucid dream any longer when you get to excited.

So shortly afterwards the dream ended. 

I ran through a garden for a few more moments before waking up. 

My heart pumped quite a lot. 

 

I immediately jumped off my bed to write everything down but I never lost a dream as quickly as this.. When I was writing the first few lines of introduction I already lost most of it. 

It was so different from my normal experience that it actually became difficult to remember and put into words as I didnt experience it in the moment. 

This dream was mostly ”dry” metaphysical in nature. It felt profound but there was no love involved or anything. 

 

I have no idea what this was, if this was legit or my imagination going wild and fantasizing about what mystical territory would be like. Looking forward to comparing this fragment that I remember to a psychedelic experience. 

I edit this hours later now and there are elements I still remember vaguely, so its not all lost thankfully. 

Edited Thursday at 02:23 PM by Jannes

[Jannes]

I was scared going for my usual thursday social spot routine and pittied myself with victim mentality of how I was wronged and how I could have had everything if people were less selfish. Then meditated for half an hour and still went. 

It was great. Somehow everything just clicked. I basically constantly had people around me I socialized with and even some actual connections. I was pretty much fully in it. 

Talked to a cool girl for some time and then asked for her phone number which I got. It wasnt even that hard. 

Its hard to say, I might be the most socially confident I ever was right now. I might have had a stronger fassade of confidence before, but in terms of actual confidence this might be my best right now. 

I think there are a number of reasons for it: 1) I stood up for myself by leaving the club, 2) I what I thought was true when I spoke it out to the leader of the club, 3) theatre clubs are very weird places, everything is about pretending, about being very aware about your behaviour, "outacting" other people, ... I am exaggerating a bit but it does play into it to some extend. "Normal people" are way more forgiving and honest in this regard and this seems to be healing. 

[Jannes]

When I really invest into someone and get rejected this hurts me a ton. Probably because I got rejected or thought I got rejected so often in the past and because I have ADD. I see this pattern throughout the last years, whenever I invest something authentic into a connection and get rejected I am hurt so badly I cant help but create some kind of a show and with it social damage for myself and shame which bites me for years. 

In all of these instances I had a very weak social backbone though, I thought the one person was my one ticket out. So this was unintelligent spending. 

I am however interested in deep connections, so I have to find a middle ground of investing into a bit more into another person at a reasonable and not delusionable paste while keeping a social backbone. Much of that calculation is done unconsciously anyway but this may help a little and it may even come up because new opportunity arise. 

[Jannes]

I feel very much at peace right now, its really nice. 

[Jannes]

On 11.6.2025 at 6:58 PM, Jannes said:

He seems like a conscious guy, I dont smell bullshit. But we dont see his partner.

Good example!

I feel my ego rising. My bias is adapting. All from leaving the club and speaking my truth it seems.

I have a lot of sexual opportunities and I will give into it to some extend. I want to work through this consciously though, this can become a giant trap. I became much more emotionally grounded from listening to what feels right to me and not maximizing body count.