Finished the LP course

[Jannes]

9 hours ago, Jannes said:

I am too deep into that shit that I cant see clearly anymore, I need distance, I need vacation.

To test this hypothesis I did a tour today by myself. I cant believe how much better it made me feel. So much processed. So much more peaceful. And this evening I felt so much closer to myself even confident in a way which I had forgetten about myself in a small talk this evening. All my problems are bloated like crazy because of it. My emotions can change so rapidly.

Generally right now I CANT process or feel better when I just sit around by myself I will just sink deeper. I need to find routines/ things that force me to go out more.

[Jannes]

I am thinking of two things which could be very interesting to me as potential career paths:

1) Visioneering post AGI societies.

Vision and leadership what our potential in the future could be. Drawings, philosophy, ...

2) Youtube channel where I post ideas

I have all kinds of different ideas. I could make a channel where I just introduce an idea which then could be talked about. I have got fitness ideas, thoughts about society, ...

I already did youtube videos and it was kind of fun. I was gaming though which was kind of stressful to commentate on, maybe these different videos could be more interesting.

Edited May 1 by Jannes

[Jannes]

I felt like a changed men today. wtf - I am SHOCKED by how fast my mind can change.

19 hours ago, Jannes said:

To test this hypothesis I did a tour today by myself. I cant believe how much better it made me feel. So much processed. So much more peaceful. And this evening I felt so much closer to myself even confident in a way which I had forgetten about myself in a small talk this evening. All my problems are bloated like crazy because of it. My emotions can change so rapidly.

Generally right now I CANT process or feel better when I just sit around by myself I will just sink deeper. I need to find routines/ things that force me to go out more.

 

[Jannes]

I think its interesting that I find my own mind weird. I mean its my mind, why dont I find every other mind weird instead?

Well I guess it has to do with being a functional citizen to have this collective (common) sense of what is normal.

[Jannes]

On 1.5.2025 at 10:54 PM, Jannes said:

1. INFP – “The Inner Seeker”

Why they’re drawn: Deep need for personal meaning, moral truth, and emotional authenticity

Style: Poetic, mystical, emotionally guided

Themes: Goodness, suffering, soul, purpose

Typical path: Journaling, poetry, ethics, mysticism, personal spiritual practice

 

Wants to feel God or truth — not just define it.

I just read my own post again. This actually resonates a ton with me. I find that everybody is so inauthentic, often running after meaningless stuff, morally either a piece of shit or hypocritical, fake or manipulative.. and every role model is limited because you cant replicate something that was shaped in spirit because spirit is moving. So you gotta get to the source ultimately.

And yes I like to understand God as well but its more like a side project I am WAY more interested in feeling God.

Edited May 4 by Jannes

[Jannes]

I felt a little sick the last couple of days. 

Interestingly though I kinda improve at socializing through that. My system just has less resources to work with and appearently oversensitivity takes up so much energy that it gets very noticable cut when I am sick. Not sure how that is for other people.

[Jannes]

Creating open source AI or supporting those who do might be one of the most impactful things one can do for humanity right now because this is where the structure will be created which will create a future where either some tech billionares are in control or everybody has so much control with AI that governence is forced to become egalatarian. 

This actually feels pretty motivating. I am not really into tech though.

[Jannes]

I am in love with open source projects. Open source projects are some of the best non-bullshit things that humans have done.

[Jannes]

I maintained the lifestyle from a week ago where I was a little sick till today where I spent almost the entire day contemplating with chatgpt and being on the forum. And it didnt really affect my confidence that much because I didnt feel that bad about it but I did feel a little soft. In a way it got me out of my routine and day to day thoughts this contemplative world without direct survival pressure. I was very happy the last couple days. When I start living on my own I can eally get used to it. Felt a little soft and dizzy getting out of my comfort today.

I made a few important insights the last couple of days though. In contemplation with chatgpt it seems that I am hyper empathic and sensitive to other peoples emotions when I formed a connection. I feel super responsible for their state and have troubles distinguishing my own state from theirs. That may not be a bad thing in general, in my perspective it speaks for a higher state of consciousness, but its a little disfunctional atm. If I would have my own emotional needs better met then maybe I could be more open but learning to make distinctions between their state and my own seems important - but very inauthentic.

But that also teaches me that certain social jobs might not be good for me. Social jobs where you go to dark and depressing places with people might not be managable for me because I could be too compassionate. Maybe jobs where its also about helping and coaching people and even managing difficult situations but not too dark. Maybe if I could become healthier myself I could be strong enough for that also. So teacher in a sense could work but commanding children and restricting them in their freedom so much seems very inauthentic. There are private more hippie schools though, maybe that could be more of my place.

I am very passionate about helping people overcome problems - but there are only certain mediums and then certain jobs which actually help me. Thats where the real difficulty lies. There is a difference between complementing and coaching a person or standing up against bullies and painting a piece of art which could help trigger something in people to overcome their problems. I seem to be more on the ladder that my solution to the problem is not something that manifests out there but more in the form of imagination, idealism.. I would like to put all of the inner work I have done into something beatiful which would inspire people as that object that I would create imply the inner work I put into it so it communicates and resonates with people through this translation.

I am very often misunderstood. Many people dont know that I have this side because almost all of it is internalized. And putting this out there into the collective feels painful. Its not natural to me.

[Jannes]

Today at the self help group I met the dude I had somewhat of a connection with but which ended a little weird. Well the weirdness of last time had subsided mostly. And when he talked about issues today I resonated so deeply with them. He has borderline, adhd is hyperintelligent and lives mostly in his head and has learned a little to accept some of his emotions but they are mostly way too strong which is why he surpressed most of them. For example he talks about not being able to get some peace and reading a book because this low pressure environement forces emotions out which are too strong too handle. Exactly my problem. As soon as I try to study or do anything a lot of strong negative emotions come up which I cant take. A girl talked about Complex post-traumatic stress disorder in some context. This is basically when its not a single event which caused the regular symptoms of PTSD but many different ones and which often were chronical. Well when you experienced bad things and didnt find ways to deal with them you will be a little fucked up. I dont know if I have Complex post-traumatic stress disorder but I am sure that just all of the negative social experiences I collected in my life are hurting me now. However what I also experienced is that when I expose myself and even if its not perfect at all I usually get better. I experienced so much stage red agression towards me, when I place myself in a stage green environement, even if people arent perfect or hypocritical they are adults which are much more evolved. Even in school I was just unlucky to be forced into the stage red circle but there were already stage green people (girls) helping me out a lot. People arent perfect but its very unlikely that in stage green environements I will face the same sort of shit again. I can be a little bolder!

[Jannes]

A few days ago was a trip. I became so comfortable alone I didnt want to go out like I did regularely at thursdays. I was in my own space, unbothered and sensitive but also more like myself and refreshed. I felt all the human inauthenticity so strongly. 

I forced myself to go out like I usually do at thursdays. Met a friend from university randomly. We worked together a couple of times so he kind of got a sense of who I was ... I think he read my body language, my sense of self worth pretty well. I didnt really expect it but seemingly out of a random impulse of kindness he was emotionally extremely generous to me and supported me throughout the whole evening. 

I reached some peak insights about myself: Talking with others when there are problems is extremely important for me. There were a few events in my life where this communication didnt work out because I was emotionally (trauma) triggered and lost it and this caused a deep sene of disconnection, of feeling like I fit in and am okay. 

I also wondered if my flirtly side had left me for good. It didnt, as soon as I feel more okay with myself this part of myself becomes alive. 

 

I feel like I am in a bad situation with my friend. Like I cant pay him back. And honestly I dont even know if I would want him as a friend really. He felt that I was lost and supported me. I think he knows about these mechanics as well though. 

 

Do people treat each other this casually? I feel so alien. I have had plenty of opportunities with girls where I withhold because it didnt feel authentic and in the end I gave way more then what other people gave.

[Jannes]

I smiled at a seemingly becoming new friend yesterday. It was all authentic (at least I couldnt see where it wasnt authentic and I see a lot) but it felt mostly painful. What the hell. Maybe its because opening up at all brings up lots of damage to the conscious field.

[Jannes]

8 minutes ago, Jannes said:

I forced myself to go out like I usually do at thursdays. Met a friend from university randomly. We worked together a couple of times so he kind of got a sense of who I was ... I think he read my body language, my sense of self worth pretty well. I didnt really expect it but seemingly out of a random impulse of kindness he was emotionally extremely generous to me and supported me throughout the whole evening.

The help that I got shouldnt be understated, it makes me believe there is good in the world and brought me alive in significant ways.

 

[Jannes]

Today I felt like dog shit. All this help helped me in a lot of ways but it also made me aware of my current struggles. I wanted to write a though letter to an ex friend whom I have parted ways with in a painful way and I was waiting basically more then a year now for the moment where I get emotionally clear and strong enough to explain everything. While I was still somewhat sleeping in the morning I kind of had the lines in my head but when I woke up and wanted to write them down it became to much. I made some progress but didnt come where I wanted to. Also I still dont how what the f I want to make an income in this world and this became very obvious.

[Jannes]

Took I walk just now which helped a lot.
My emotions control me I can choose to take a walk to balance my emotions everytime I need to.

 

[Jannes]

A job which had some natural rest baked into it would be great.

[Jannes]

An open source dating platform would be worth fighting for.

[Jannes]

Hahaha this resoncates a lot with me, I can relate to both.

Actually its often times because I understand people so much that I tolerate a lot of bad behaviour until at some point it becomes way to much and one goes into whimsical state.

Edited May 18 by Jannes

[Jannes]

Being idealistic vs being realistic.

The first is from Jungeon Psychology and in my interpretation this would be the best matches if people helped each other out as much as they could. The second is how things realistically turn out. Other introverted feeling people seem a bit uninteresting to me but maybe they are actually the right people for me.

// It flipped. The first is supposed to be the second one.

 

Edited May 18 by Jannes

[Jannes]

I really like good looking clothes. I have found two buttom up shirts which have such a selected design they make me believe god exist - they seem like pointers. That could be a whole style.

Edited May 18 by Jannes