Can't keep my conviction whilst in my normal conscious state

[Wizardking]

I find it hard to put this into word but this is my best attempt.

I can't wrap my head around a lot of the spiritual ideas. I've had many psychedelic experiences where I've experienced many of the things Leo talks about but every single time my conviction starts declining over the coming month after the experience. I've written notes to myself several times during these experiences saying something along the lines of "I know you'll probably doubt this in the future but this is the absolut truth. You know it with absolute certainty at this moment. You need to trust me that this is the truth" but every single time I become less and less convinced with time and start questioning if perhaps I was just delusional. I've had two of these experiences while sober as well. One whilst doing breathwork and one whilst meditating. But still I can't be convinced. I haven't done psychedelics in over a year now because they started messing me up mentally. They were a big part in healing me the three years prior to that but then they just started having negative effects on me. 

How can I know these truths? I've been meditating almost every single day for the past 5 years. I've done some contemplation on the big questions and I've heard the reasoning of people who claim to have realised these truths but non of it truly convinces me whilst I'm in my normal conscious state. Perhaps I haven't every truly experiences an awakening. Also every time I take a psychedelic I am 100% certain that I'm meant to do music but that conviction also starts dissipating after these experiences. It's as if I can feel myself slowly falling back into my unconscious autopilot mode. How do I stay at this level? Everything seems so clear at that level.

My mind is a bit scattered but hope you understand what I mean. Thanks for reading. 

[Paradoxed]

It sounds like your ego is coming back and reinforcing itself over time. It could be ego backlash. Stop second guessing yourself. Deep down you know that you need to make music. This is life or death here. You seem depressed, not a sense that you are sad, but maybe you are stuck knowing you need to be doing something and not doing it. Once you get the ball rolling and the momentum going with creative endeavors you will naturally start vibrating at a higher level and you can embody your higher self in this waking life.

You have to ride motivation like a wave, and be disciplined enough to have a healthy routine and spiritual practice. If your meditation practice isn't bringing you to some deep truths, that's okay, stop wanting it and forcing it. Your desire to awaken is a trap. Forgive yourself for not having that innate spiritual understanding you think you want. Stop trying to understand and convince yourself of some deep truth on a conceptual level. Just start trying to flow with life intuitively so you can prove to yourself the deepest truths about yourself. You might have to fight for this. You were meant to be making music, your deeper self feels it, and you are not doing it.

I would definitely consider tripping again if you haven't in awhile but tripping on psychedelics isn't always the answer. There were a couple times i stopped tripping and I felt similar, until I tripped again- and realize it was my ego causing a fear of my deeper self, and the deeper truths that psychedelics revealed.

[Wizardking]

4 hours ago, Paradoxed said:

It sounds like your ego is coming back and reinforcing itself over time. It could be ego backlash. Stop second guessing yourself. Deep down you know that you need to make music. This is life or death here. You seem depressed, not a sense that you are sad, but maybe you are stuck knowing you need to be doing something and not doing it. Once you get the ball rolling and the momentum going with creative endeavors you will naturally start vibrating at a higher level and you can embody your higher self in this waking life.

You have to ride motivation like a wave, and be disciplined enough to have a healthy routine and spiritual practice. If your meditation practice isn't bringing you to some deep truths, that's okay, stop wanting it and forcing it. Your desire to awaken is a trap. Forgive yourself for not having that innate spiritual understanding you think you want. Stop trying to understand and convince yourself of some deep truth on a conceptual level. Just start trying to flow with life intuitively so you can prove to yourself the deepest truths about yourself. You might have to fight for this. You were meant to be making music, your deeper self feels it, and you are not doing it.

I would definitely consider tripping again if you haven't in awhile but tripping on psychedelics isn't always the answer. There were a couple times i stopped tripping and I felt similar, until I tripped again- and realize it was my ego causing a fear of my deeper self, and the deeper truths that psychedelics revealed.

Thank you for your response. I mostly question my beliefs in spirituality. I've experienced god realisation and ego dissolution which has made me believe that this is all a dream and we are all God but I can't explain it other than by saying I've experienced it many times. Which I don't feel is ground for these claims when people ask what my beliefs are. I want to discuss these things in my music and perhaps even in youtube videos but it just seems so ungrounded. 

I am diagnosed with depression and am currently on Wellbutrin. It helped a lot in the beginning but now I feel kind of back to square one. I just feel lost. Don't have the energy, motivation or drive to act. Not sure which path to go. My mind is a chaotic mess. I have adhd but rarely take my medication as I don't feel like myself on it. 

[Ishanga]

@Wizardking Listen, this is a common huge problem in the world, we are so identified with our Mind, Thoughts, Thinking, Intellect that it is making us Nuts!

Do not try to "Understand" Spiritual ideas and concepts, as Spirituality is not a Concept or Ideology, its that simple...because You and most everyone else is trying to "Understand" it fucks them up, just work on simple things, first settle Your emotional stability, become Peaceful of Your own nature, Accept Now as it is, Live Now absolutely, Respond to Now, and for sure keep up with your Meditation, try Isha Kriya its 12 min and is very powerful.. Drop all thinking and analysing of what anyone says, Leo is too much intellectualizing of it all, drop all that stuff and just create Peace within, then Your on Your Way..

[Wizardking]

1 hour ago, Ishanga said:

@Wizardking Listen, this is a common huge problem in the world, we are so identified with our Mind, Thoughts, Thinking, Intellect that it is making us Nuts!

Do not try to "Understand" Spiritual ideas and concepts, as Spirituality is not a Concept or Ideology, its that simple...because You and most everyone else is trying to "Understand" it fucks them up, just work on simple things, first settle Your emotional stability, become Peaceful of Your own nature, Accept Now as it is, Live Now absolutely, Respond to Now, and for sure keep up with your Meditation, try Isha Kriya its 12 min and is very powerful.. Drop all thinking and analysing of what anyone says, Leo is too much intellectualizing of it all, drop all that stuff and just create Peace within, then Your on Your Way..

A specific Isha Kriya meditation? I find a lot of them at different lengths on youtube.

My main issue in regards to what your saying is that I'm very addicted to stimulation. Boredom is really hard for me right now. Was much easier when I was taking psychedelics but right now I'm basically always doing something and feeling stressed about having to do stuff. Almost always watching youtube or listening to a book/podcast, fooling myself that I'm being productive by watching educational videos. 

[Ishanga]

5 minutes ago, Wizardking said:

A specific Isha Kriya meditation? I find a lot of them at different lengths on youtube.

My main issue in regards to what your saying is that I'm very addicted to stimulation. Boredom is really hard for me right now. Was much easier when I was taking psychedelics but right now I'm basically always doing something and feeling stressed about having to do stuff. Almost always watching youtube or listening to a book/podcast, fooling myself that I'm being productive by watching educational videos. 

Its a common phase I think, I went thru that too, sourcing all I could to digest the information, I thought that flooding my mind with this sort of information will help the process along and channel my thoughts towards "Enlightenment" thinking loops, it works in the beginning, but sooner or later we have to drop this and go via the energetic route and fix that aspect, without that nothing really changes, you cannot really stop the mind from what it is doing, as the mind is meant to do just that, think and identify and figure things out, the content of the Mind is not in your control, but if You have a space btwn what is You and what is not You (Body/Mind complex) then the mind is no longer a problem.

Link to Isha Kriya the whole process here... 

 

[Keryo Koffa]

@Wizardking There is a specific understanding here and much to realize but take a deep breath, you do the best you can and being at peace will make it easier

[Joshe]

Hi @Wizardking

I went through something similar several years ago.

I heard about enlightenment and that you could totally immerse yourself into an unshakeable peaceful existence and be above all negativity and live from peace and love and I was like, man, this is it, I gotta have that! 

I probably spent 4 or 5 years half-assing things, exploring theory, teachings, practices, etc., and in that time, my pursuit and desire for enlightenment started to negatively impact my worldly affairs and mental health. Nothing serious but I was putting the cart before the horse. I was shirking other responsibilities and the unfulfilled desire was contributing to depression.

Eventually, I just let go of the desire and when I did, over a span of years, reality would, in its own time, show me things, remind me of things, trigger crazy synchronicities, etc, all of which would contribute greatly to my current reality, and I didn't force any of it, although I think digesting audio books while going to sleep may have had a big impact, but I wasn't engaging in any practices. 

The main point is my spirituality blossomed and continues to do so without any effort on my part and it seems like I couldn't stop it even if I wanted to. I now know what spirituality is, I think in large part because I loosened my grip of wanting to know by maybe 90%. I'm becoming more and more spiritual without any conscious effort on my part.

I'm still sort of "floating" in between the linear and non-linear but it seems inevitable that some day, I will enter fully into the non-linear and none of it will be my doing. To be honest, now that I know more about what it is, I would prefer it wait about 10 years before it comes because I need more time to get my worldly affairs in order before I go looking for the ultimate. 

You probably know about it but if not, David Hawkins has a good book on "Letting Go". 

Edited July 15, 2024 by Joshe

[Breakingthewall]

14 hours ago, Wizardking said:

How can I know these truths?

You can't know it because "know" is inside the truth. You can't know the truth, you can be the truth right now, or you can be veiled. 

For me It's important to realize that you can't know anything, then you stop trying and relax, and the mind gets empty, and you focus your energy in the dissolution of the barriers that veils you

Edited July 15, 2024 by Breakingthewall

[Danioover9000]

@Joshe

On 2024-07-15 at 7:07 PM, Joshe said:

Hi @Wizardking

I went through something similar several years ago.

I heard about enlightenment and that you could totally immerse yourself into an unshakeable peaceful existence and be above all negativity and live from peace and love and I was like, man, this is it, I gotta have that! 

I probably spent 4 or 5 years half-assing things, exploring theory, teachings, practices, etc., and in that time, my pursuit and desire for enlightenment started to negatively impact my worldly affairs and mental health. Nothing serious but I was putting the cart before the horse. I was shirking other responsibilities and the unfulfilled desire was contributing to depression.

Eventually, I just let go of the desire and when I did, over a span of years, reality would, in its own time, show me things, remind me of things, trigger crazy synchronicities, etc, all of which would contribute greatly to my current reality, and I didn't force any of it, although I think digesting audio books while going to sleep may have had a big impact, but I wasn't engaging in any practices. 

The main point is my spirituality blossomed and continues to do so without any effort on my part and it seems like I couldn't stop it even if I wanted to. I now know what spirituality is, I think in large part because I loosened my grip of wanting to know by maybe 90%. I'm becoming more and more spiritual without any conscious effort on my part.

I'm still sort of "floating" in between the linear and non-linear but it seems inevitable that some day, I will enter fully into the non-linear and none of it will be my doing. To be honest, now that I know more about what it is, I would prefer it wait about 10 years before it comes because I need more time to get my worldly affairs in order before I go looking for the ultimate. 

You probably know about it but if not, David Hawkins has a good book on "Letting Go". 

   Dude you should've gotten your 'worldly affairs' in order before all that, and even then all that just sounds like depression or some mid life crisis.