It’s been a long time since I posted anything. I wasn’t bored in the meantime at all. The whole month was spent having very emotionally difficult, exhausting, painful end-of-relationship time with my ex boyfriend. Filled with scenes, arguments, resentment and tears. I felt like on some kind of an insane swing from hell. One day, it seemed that things could be saved, and that they would work out eventually. There was even a strong feeling of love and belonging on some days. On others, there was nothing but resentment, mean words or deep, heavy silence. In this, I spent pretty much all December. And also had the worst Christmas holidays of my life (even worse than last year, which I spent all alone, depressed and miserable in my mother’s home). It all culminated yesterday , on the very last day of the year. Coincidentally, also the last day of our relationship.
I had another LSD trip two weeks ago, my second. It was nice, less intense than the first (not a full ego death). And I decided to do another yesterday, on December 31. Bad decision. BAD DECISION. To my credit, though, I had no way of predicting it would be so horrific. Things seemed to be relatively stabilized with boyfriend, since 2 days ago, and going well (sort of). And I wanted to have a trip while skyping with my young friend/lover Apollo, who had never had a trip and never even had seen anyone tripping – I thought it would be a nice and interesting experience for us both, him trip sitting me online, so to speak. Well, that didn’t quite work out the way I had imagined.
I took the tab at noon, like before. It kicked in after about an hour. Again, it was a weaker trip, without a full ego death (but on the other hand, strong enough to be terrifying and nearly unlivable). To my massive surprise, and hurt, Apollo announced at 2:30 PM that he had to go, and stated some activities that he needed to do, that seemed really trivial to me in that state. So he went away, and I felt hurt and cried a little. Which is obviously a bad thing to happen while you are tripping. I knew I had probably 12 or so more hours of the trip to go, and it was going to be bad.
Then I chatted for a bit with Hermes, my ever-busy workholic boyfriend, now ex. He also told me in no uncertain terms that he was busy, he had work to do (and indeed, he spent the whole New Year’s Eve working, until about 3 in the morning… yep). So I was left all alone in the room, with only my computer to type my "hallucinating" ideas on – which I did, I wrote some 8 pages during this trip, as I did on both previous trips, too. I’m clearly not the type who is good at doing psychedelic trips alone, and shouldn’t be doing them alone, at least for now. I tend to get scared often and need reassurance and company, and someone to talk with. So being left alone, I took the puppy to my lap most of the time, at least, to keep me company. But at other times, that wasn’t enough, and I had to go to the other room and try to talk to Hermes, who was obviously busy each time, working on his computer. I felt like I was disturbing him and begging for any bit of attention that I had no right to. But I still had to go because I really couldn’t handle being alone.
On one of those early visits to the other room, I had the bad (hallucinating?) idea of starting a conversation about our relationship. And Hermes had the worst idea possible of a response. He let me know with absolute coldness and decisiveness (both quite unusual for him) that the relationship was over, he didn’t love me, never wanted to be with anyone in the first place, wants to be alone for the rest of his life because he’s just better off that way, and had been trying to end this relationship since over a year ago (which was news to me, especially as he was telling me most of that time that he loved me and wanted me, and so on).
Well. What can I say? Please, anyone who ever has the idea to tell something like this to a tripping person, don’t. I repeat, DON’T. Even if it’s true. This is not something a tripping person has any capacity to deal with. I argued, pleaded, cried tons, collapsed on bed in this heavy body that didn’t even feel like it was mine, begged…. And all for nothing. Hermes kept his newfound (newfound at the worst moment possible) coldness and decisiveness till the end. Actually, till this moment. While tripping, I had to observe my life as I had known it collapsing for good, to never be rebuilt. And not being able to do a thing about it.
Yesterday was the first time I experienced the feeling of absolute, complete, unnegotiating self-hatred, loneliness, destitution and despair. It was by far the worst thing I’d ever experienced, and I wouldn’t wish this even on my worst enemy. I spent the rest of my trip, which went on for 15 hours altogether, mostly laying on the bed, with or without the puppy in my arms, wishing to just switch off, die, but frustratingly not being able to even do that. It was an experience after which my life can never be the same again. A lot of things in me died. I don’t wish to even relate to my past life, and I don’t want to be, and am not, the person that I was until yesterday.
Here are some excerpts from the trip report that I typed throughout this trip. It’s excrutiating to read, indeed. And it doesn’t come even close to how horrible the actual experience was.
"I would feel better without this body. Just a whole wide plane of possibilities. Body is cumbersome, it’s stupid, it’s 3 dimensional and heavy and stands in the way. But i have to be in this body for now. I have to be "her" for now. It’s just a short term gig. 70-80 years max.
Hermes thinks there’s something super wrong with him. But that’s like, welcome to everyone’s world. Everyone has to have something wrong with them. It seems so by design. Why it is that way? I don’t know. Everyone has a lot of wrong with them. It’s impossible not to. But what can you do? You just deal with what you have on your hands.
Apollo has just left me all alone. I was counting on him to trip sit me, but he all of a sudden said that "he had to go", he will study and then go to a doctor. And I should text him when I’m done tripping. He just dropped me like that. And so did Hermes. They are both busy. They have "real" things to do, which obviously are more important than my "hallucinations". To them, that seems to be the case. They have no time to spare.
I can go fuck myself. And they can go fuck themselves too. I can do it alone. I can do all alone, in the absolute.
Hermes has now said that it was "incompatibilities in nearly everything" what ended our relationship.
He blames it on "incompatibilities", because that’s a nice handy word. But in his more honest moments, he admits that he wanted to be alone since long before he even met me, and that’s why he kept on sabotaging the relationship over and over and over. Incompatibilities are just a handy excuse. The truth is much more brutal. Incompatibilites are a nice label that says nothing at all, and certainly isn’t even pointing in the direction of the real answer – HE NEVER WANTED TO BE WITH ANYONE AT ALL. NOT WITH ME, NOT WITH ANYONE ELSE. NO ONE.
ALL THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. I WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH HERMES, WITH MY OLD STORY, WITH MY BODY, WITH MY LIFE, WITH ANYTHING THAT EVEN REMOTELY REMINDS ME OF DEMETER DIOGENA.
I DIDN’T ASK FOR ANY OF THIS.
There’s a battle of ideologies, social conditioning and subconscious bullshit playing itself out in each of our lives. And it was also in mine. Someone who considered herself pretty much non-ideological. Here I am, finding out that all that’s been acting itself out in me (and reversely, ON ME by others), was just unaware bullshit, social conditioning and brainwashing with as many ideological notions as I could count, since I was born until now.
I feel like I was raped in the mind this whole time of my life. But I can’t point to who the rapist is. This is cosmically frustrating and unfair.
I feel nothing but disgust and hatred and shame for myself. Just a short taste of it is killing me.
I’m a perfect example of how not to lead life. Hermes thought that was him. Well, maybe there is enough space for many people showing how not to lead life. The question then is, who are the ones showing how to lead it? And is there any way/hope that I could turn my life around and actually become one of the people showing how to lead life?
I was bleeding from the nose from all the crying. Like I was being killed and drinking my own blood. I felt so absolutely disgusted and desperate about having this horrible, heavy, bleeding body to deal with, I just collapsed in crying on bed.
I think my lesson in this life is to be alone. Alone. ALL ONE. Nothing and everything. No one and everything. To be ALONE AND FINE WITH IT.
It’s the New Year. I’m sitting here alone with the dog. I’m 32 and single. It’s the definition of loneliness. It’s the definition of the worst trip imaginable. It’s the definition of the worst nightmare. What the fuck is this shit??? My mind can’t deal with it in any way. I want a complete blackout, but it isn’t coming.
I sure as hell hope that this is the deepest of rock bottoms that I’ll ever have to see. That things have no deeper to go.
I told Hermes I am not giving up on him no matter what. But he says that he just doesn’t want me. He operates much better alone. And that I have no choice but to accept that and move on.
I need to heal myself and heal my life. I need to be around enlightened people who just know It, which Hermes doesn’t have any idea about, and no interest in. Hermes has his own way, and it doesn’t include me. He needs to heal himself on many levels, and he knows it, but wants to do it "without being pressured" – as in, he hints that I pressure him. At this point he has more important (in his view) things to do than healing himself. Like, of course, working himself to death.
He told me that he cares about me deeper than about his family. But at the same time wants nothing to do with me, and wants none of me – if I understood it right. It doesn’t compute in my mind at all, at this level of consciousness, and I doubt that it will compute at my normal level of consciousness, but I'll give it a try then, I guess.
It’s complete loneliness and complete despair. Nothing left of the life that I’ve known. Nothing left of all the false identities that I’ve had. Absolute loneliness and despair. Me sitting in this bedroom in this city. In a flat of someone who’s essentially a stranger. It doesn’t get much worse than that. At least I don’t know in what way it could get worse. Maybe if I lost a limb or something, it would be still worse.
Unspeakable horror. Times ten. Times all the fireworks and explosions outside going on this whole afternoon and evening. All happening at the wrong time and for wrong reasons. My whole life is nothing but a wrong thing happening at the wrong time for the wrong reasons.
Things will never be so bad anymore. This is the worst it will ever get. This is the worst and I’ve seen it now. Things can only get better. And they will.
This is what I keep thinking just in order not to go insane. Just to be able to deal with this terrible time.
He’ll never love me again. That’s what he thinks, and what he forces me to accept.
Nobody that I know of now (other than my family) gives a shit about me. I will need to find new people to add to my reality. To give a shit about me, and me about them. That will be insanely difficult, maybe. But I’ll give it a try.
Puppy is so scared of the firework explosions. And I’m so scared of being alone and unlovable. We are here scared together.
I have to pull myself up. Be like someone I would like to be with. I’ve wasted another year on this dead end. He DOESN’T WANT ME, NEVER DID, NEVER WILL. It really isn’t that complicated.
He gets what he chooses, I get what is chosen for me by him.
Beggars can’t be choosers. And now I sound like a 100% victim. Which is pretty pathetic and off-putting. I have to have the courage to own all of it, and treat it as if it was my own choice.
I want to be loved by someone. That’s all I want.
When I met Hermes, I thought this was what he wanted and what he was missing – just someone to love him. And maybe it was that at that time. But it isn’t anymore. He doesn’t want to be loved, and feels no need for it. He actively refuses it, actually. Now it’s me who needs and wants that. But I can’t go blindly about it, and get with the first dude that walks by, because that would end up in dysfunctional shit again. I have to make peace with myself and love myself again, first. This time for good reasons.
I’m horrible and unlovable, and am afraid that nobody will ever love me again.
I want to die. There’s no way for me to fix the mess that my life is. No possible way. That’s what I told Hermes, and he said "no, there is a way". But that’s all that he can say. He won’t tell me what that way is. He won’t tell me anything. That’s completely my job, and he "can’t do that for me". Then why does he tell me that there is a way at all – how would he know? Why isn’t he ok with letting me die?
I want to die. I literally would kill myself had I had any means to do it at hand. But I have no poison, no gun, and no tall building available. I can try to go jump under a car. But Hermes is right, I might not die and it would probably be even worse.
And here we go, 2018. I spent the New Year midnight sitting in the bathtub, first feeling suicidal. Then, through the immense suffering, being able to be mindful and enjoy actually feeling myself washing my hair.
And realizing a lot of this suffering could have been avoided, had I been strict with myself and disciplined myself. Strict discipline, structure to my life. Strict discipline is the answer for now. It’s the one and only reasonable alternative to suicide that I can see possibly working and if not helping in this life, at least keep it away from getting worse.
A strict discipline in timetable, meditation practice, eating, physical activity, learning and all other aspects of my life. This is the only livable option to keep myself from going down. It’s the only reasonable alternative to suiciding myself right now. I FORBID MYSELF FROM FORGETTING THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Exampleofhownottolive.com
I spent over 3 years on someone who, it turns out, never wanted to be with someone in the first place. On me, he was just "trying to act out what society wanted him to be" – not single, a husband. My life happened to be a playground for his unconsciousness, social conditioning and brainwashing. And as it turns out, the playground, my life, was utterly wrecked by it. It’s in so many pieces that I see no way for myself to ever put it together again.
Joining a monastery seems like a relatively good idea. Except that it should be a monastery with sex. I wonder if there is sex in zen buddhist monasteries.
Though maybe the interest in sex will just go away on its own as I practice meditation. Just like the meditation teacher told me at the Vipassana retreat, when answering my question about sex – that people eventually prefer to just meditate together because sex seems too gross for them anyway. Who knows, I might reach that level myself. Maybe.
I’m the ultimate loser in every possible sense. And now, I have absolutely no choice even about the thing that I want the most – being with Hermes. I’m the one who is left with love for him, being unloved back. And I’ll hold this losing card forever, it seems, because he’s got no plan of loving me anymore ever. So I’m stuck in this losing position for as long as I live. I swear I’d rather be dead than be myself right now.
According to him, I’ll find a way in my life without him. He "believes in me". That’s…. nice. Thanks.
This was the worst day of my life.
He told me some months ago that this place sucked without me. That I was making it feel like home. Now it feels like this place sucks for him with me in it. And home is anywhere where I’m not.
I wish I could say that I learnt something from this experience. One thing I understood now is that I’ve been horribly bad at choosing the right partner. My criteria and my judgment completely blew up. I have no idea how I’m ever going to choose a partner ever again. Not only I can’t trust my judgment, but also the choice of available men has become close to none for my age group.
Also, I have nothing to offer to my potential new partner. All I had was spent on Hermes. Something that, apparently, he didn’t even want. There is absolutely nothing left for myself, let alone for any potential new partner. It will probably take me a few years before I build myself up enough to have anything to offer to anyone ever again.
I’ve just had the worst trip humanly possible. Most of the time, i was wishing for a complete blackout, sleep or death. None of it came. I had to suffer through every second of it, and every second of realization that my life as I had known it, was over. If I had a gun or poison available, I would have no doubt used it. That’s good to know for all possible future trips. Never do them with guns, poison or trains nearby. And never do them in a tall building. Unless you are ready to die. Not that there’s anything wrong with dying. I just hope LSD and other psychedelics won’t get a reputation for being suicide drugs. I wouldn’t want that for them.
I didn’t choose to have my reality collapse just yet, but anyway, that’s what I’ve been dealt. My reality has completely collapsed. It’s over. Nothing that was before applies anymore. I’ve had my work cut out for me. Kicking and screaming, I’m being dragged onto my hero’s journey. Which no sane person starts on voluntarily, of course. So far, my beginning seems to be fairly statistically normal, I guess. And I hope I’ll be in a good company on the way.“
So there you go. Nothing like starting the year in style. I’m now officially a person with a collapsed life, but committed to reach enlightenment or die trying. There’s absolutely no going back, I’ve reached the point of no return.
I would love to hear from anyone who’s on the same journey, and talk.
