beatlemantis

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About beatlemantis

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    Arizona
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  1. My deep, intrinsic insecurities are getting the best of me at 20-years-old, and I feel no hope to recover from them. I'm aware of the techniques (positive affirmations, etc.) to help cure this belief system inside of me, but lately I've felt no hope to ever get better. I don't believe I can change, that my personality and habits are rooted, and that thought process is scaring me. If anyone could reach out, I have a hurting heart and extreme sense of hopelessness. I want to be greater than this, but everything I've been told I am so far is making me self-doubt. I don't know what to do. Thank you for listening.
  2. I got out of a two-year long, toxic relationship nearly a month ago. I was systematically manipulated, and taken of my innocence and worth. After my breakup, however, I felt confident, assured in myself and path, and excited for the future. For the past week or so, however, I've been dreading nighttime. When my family goes to sleep, I feel like I'm wandering around a hopeless, empty space. My blood heats when I feel I'm being a bore or not as well-liked as I used to be, my very soul is torn to shreds when I don't get responses from friends. My usual paths for validation (my toxic ex) are not available, and I feel a visceral pain knowing so. I acknowledge that the only validation I need receive is of my own, that it is the only way I can become self-sufficient and fulfilled. However, lately, I've felt so much loss in hope. My body constantly feels as if its being emotionally rejected or told it is unloved. I'm currently pacing around my house, my heart is on fire with dread and shame, and I cannot sleep because of my fear for being alone with myself. These intense, ritual emotions have lead me to consider suicide. I fear with my lack of approval, I have no inherent value. I fear I've made far too many mistakes because of my relationship (lying to my family, flunking out of college, selling my body for money) to deserve self-validation. To paint more of a picture on how intense these emotions are: My body feels immediate release when I think about talking to my ex. Even though I consciously know he is toxic, his validation that I've been hooked on for 2 years would give me instant relief. Every time I walk away from something that's distracting me, I fall into a deep depression. I immediately fall to intense tears, to which I'm terrified to face due to my scary thoughts (I'm also scared they'll reveal he treated me a certain way for a reason, that I have no value, etc.) Please let me know any thoughts about this situation you may have. I know this behavior is neurotic, I'm not looking for a quick fix, I'm seeking answers on how to face my fear of self-validation and loneliness, when I feel as if I have no intrinsic value or hope of being my actualized self. All is appreciated more than you may know, thank you so much.
  3. Thank you everyone for your input, it's really helped me think a lot. I understand the nuances and conflicting feelings for this situation and I really appreciate everyone taking the time to share and help me out. Here's where I'm at right now: I am going to follow through and break up with him. However, I am conflicted on whether or not I should tell him, being: a. If I tell him the truth: pros: cleared conscious, starting from "scratch", less guilt cons: risk of ruining my college career (will force me to move back home), gain the reputation of being a cheater, being seen as dishonest/corrupt by his friends/family who have accepted me as family, getting clarification that I am an awful person by a man who once fully loved and understood me (most likely), feeling even more isolated/outcast from everyone outside my family/close friends b. If I don't tell him the truth: pros: avoid the risk of ruining my college life/progress, only share this information with those who need to know (family, future boyfriends, etc.), perhaps save him from more heartbreak cons: know within my conscious that I am not living an honest life and that I have made a man live a lie without even knowing it, know that he has told me he would have suicidal thoughts/drug addictions if I left him, chance that I will cause more heartbreak if he's not angry with me, thoughts of perhaps I overhyped the situation and maybe we could have left with an understanding/no negative intentions to ruin my life and/or mental wellbeing I have taken steps by confessing this to my mother and my closest friend, but now comes the last decision. Please let me know what you guys think.
  4. @Shadowraix This was very uplifting to read, and I really appreciate that you gave me some of your own harsh experiences to look at, too. I want to tell him, but I fear once he (the person I've shared the most with and understands me very deeply) marks me as a bad person, I will think of myself as that forever. He has seen my truth, and once he marks me as "bad", I feel, at my core, I will forever be "bad". It totally conflicted with my ideals as well - that's what makes this even harder. I've become the person I didn't want to become, and now I have to deal with the consequences. My mother and closest friend think its a safety issue if I tell him, and is not worth ruining my whole life over. It's very confusing, but my heart completely agrees with you, honesty is the only way out of this because I'll feel sorry forever and that won't help anything.
  5. I know that he did mean it at the time. Perhaps he still means it now, he does have a lot of friends and connections in my major, however, he is already graduated. It is difficult because I do not think if I'd be able to handle the guilt of not telling him, and when I'm around him I think perhaps I deserve to have my life ruined because of this. I've been told by outsiders that he is very manipulative, he has admitted to it himself at times. I'm sure if I did tell him and break it off, he would tell his friends and family what happened, and from there on I would experience being a social outcast. There are still friends he has here that I experience every day. It would definitely tarnish my reputation, perhaps it doesn't have as much power as it once did when he was at school and his friend group encompassed generally the entire major. Anyway, thank you so much for your input. It's interesting to hear from someone who's gone through something similar as I am right now. Maybe I am overreacting, but it is a trust that I breached. We have done things to each other in our relationship, but this is most definitely the worst, in my eyes. (Or at least, that is what I have been told by those I've confided in). There is dysfunctionality in this relationship, there always has been, and I thank you for pointing that out because I believe it is important here. I'm still thinking on how to handle this situation, it's very complex.
  6. @ajasatya I am sorry, I know I’ve been flooding this forum. I just need some guidance. Thank you for your input. If you would like, I’m really interested in hearing how I’m dealing with this is unhealthy - I need any advice and grounding I can get.
  7. I’m uncovering a lot of truths about myself, and one that’s been hitting me intensely recently are the things I’ve done in the past in my relationship. I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year, and he doesn’t know that I went online to show my body to other guys for validation a couple times during our relationship. I’ve been subconsciously forcing myself to repress that information. But now it’s hitting me full-force as we have been incredibly open with each other lately. My gut is telling me not to say anything, I did these things out of a place of insecurity and I don’t think I could handle the consequences. I can’t tell him that I’m not the person he thought I was without waves of suicidal thoughts hitting me. I am an awful person for keeping these lies. I want to relieve myself of them but I fear too much what that will do to his life and mine. He’s moved to stay with me and we have plans for marriage, and I’m already such a social outcast that I don’t know if I could handle being penalized as an awful person by his family (and by the people in my college major, who he swore he’d tell and ruin my reputation if I ever cheated). I don’t want to make it sound like what I did was okay. It wasn’t - I broke his trust and his reality is a lie because of me. I just don’t know if I can handle being outcast the rest of my life because of my mistakes in this relationship. I will receive hatred from his family, my family, and my surrounding classmates - which will then leave me with nothing. And in that situation, I cannot see how I’d not be able to end it all. Im just incredibly lost. I want to be the person he thinks I am, I don’t even think that was me that did that - it felt so unconscious and I was so young. But these are all excuses. Let me know your honesty.
  8. My boyfriend and I have been dating for over a year. Recently, I've been trying to bring myself out of an immense depression due to some truths that were revealed between us. We've had three-ways before, but the last time we did he was noticeably more excited with the other girl than me. Watching this was emotionally traumatizing, where it once was fun and exciting. We took a break and he apologized sincerely and made it clear that those weren't his intentions. But then, shortly after he told me he truly wants that lifestyle of sexual exploration, not because it's something erotic that we're doing together, but because it's a new girl he gets to have sex with. I understand this, but it threw me off completely. He later told me he wanted to ask me to have one with a girl who clearly has a crush on him and does not like me. I asked him why he'd want to do that if she acted repeatedly rude and competitive with me, and he said it was because they had a "sexual crush". It hurts because I know if we broke up he'd run straight to her for a one-night fling or two. He tells me after everything he's told me, that he completely understands if I want to break it off (he even said if I was in his shoes he would break it off with me). But, I've decided to stay since then as a hope to progress and work on this as a couple. However, I feel I have toxic sides of me now because of this whole incident. I'm incredibly insecure now because of it, which leads me to express this somewhat often to him. I think I left a lot of emotional baggage on him. We still laugh together, love together, and are intimate together - but I'm starting to wonder if I'm working so hard to fix myself for the wrong person. Even though we haven't been discussing these things lately, and I've appeared to be getting better, I still just feel really uncomfortable around him now. I can't be the person I once was around him. I hate my presence around him, I just feel as if I'm annoying or trying too hard. I feel unworthy, almost. I give a lot of chances in relationships and sometimes I feel I'm understanding to the point of my own self-detriment. I just don't want to give up on something that could've been a healthy, loving relationship. I still find myself really wanting and adoring him. However, I'm not sure if that want is derived from a place of insecurity or fear of being alone, or not. Truthfully, I find the biggest reason of me not wanting to leave him is because I want to become the person he wants me to be. I fear leaving because I feel I have developed a lot as a person in this relationship, and if I leave I fear I'd drown in a pit of an even worse depression and cling to my old habits. I'm not sure what living on my own would be like. I'm not sure if I should keep holding on or not. I want to be a confident, social, and purpose-driven person, and I also want him to be there to see that in me. But I wonder if that is, if at all, possible. Any thoughts are truly appreciated. Thanks so much.
  9. My relationship with my boyfriend has lasted a year and 1 month so far. I'm 19 and he's 23. He has an incredibly similar psyche to mine, we both want the same things out of a relationship: the same type of family atmosphere, the same understanding and blunt truth towards one another, to not yell but rather talk, to preserve each other's innocence and perspective, and to continue intimacy and sexual exploration. There's only some catch, though. After an incident within a three-way we had (not our first one, but I did notice he had a fervent attraction to this girl and more or less, left me out of it), my boyfriend has told me some truths that are making me question everything. He felt so sorry after I expressed my feelings for what happened in the three-way, and told me it wasn't what he meant to do (i.e. "in the heat of the moment"). I understood this, forgave him, and since then have taken a break from inviting girls over. His excitement about our relationship seemed to drop, he was distant and we hardly were intimate with one another (emotionally and physically). He claims this was because his confidence dropped after what he did to me, I accepted this as a truth being as I have no way to tell if it isn't. But, the sexual tension between us pretty much died, and I was left feeling like he truly didn't desire me anymore. We were still having problems with it as he would continue to bring it up half-jokingly and it would eat at my confidence in reminder of what happened. Eventually, I however, I got better, and we started sexting girls again. He seemed so much more excited to be with me and was giving me sexual attention like he did in the beginning of our relationship. He claimed this was because my confidence has improved, but after this repeating cycle, I wasn't so sure. So I asked him one night, "What do you like about three-ways?" From what he told me in the past, I was expecting an answer like "I like seeing you fool around with other girls" or "it's erotic to have sex with someone with you". But he said, "It's because I like to have sex with new girls." This wasn't too far-fetched from what I thought, and it did hurt my ego as I tend to use sex as a way to validate myself and the emotional and physical intimacy within my relationships. I tried to not let it bother me, because I saw through this. However, a couple days later, I let him know everything I thought about him saying that. This lead to several conversations about what he meant towards that, and some truths were revealed such as... "I don't really ask you to send nudes anymore because I know what everything looks like", "I know you want me to be more intimate with you but it's not like that anymore" and "I don't know what you want me to tell you, any guy would be excited because it's new pussy." This is the purely "negative" side of what he said to me during these conversations. I understand that some sexual excitement dies within the course of a relationship - but I'm a relatively attractive young girl with a fit, slender body (he keeps telling me I am the epitome of what he finds attractive). But I can't help but feel this type of energy is directed towards other girls now. I'm really conflicted because I do have deep, true feelings for this man. I want to share a life with him but I just don't feel like I'm enough for him anymore. I don't think I can continue to have a sexually explorative lifestyle (this is very important to him in a relationships) if other girls are experiencing his passion, his love, and his intimacy, and I'm just there on the sidelines with unfulfilled needs for emotional and physical intimacy. We're still together as of right now, but I'm having more doubts than usual about this. I just fear that I'm not being committed enough and I'm about to tear myself away from a man I truly love. So, how far would you go for a relationship? Is he attracted to the passageway to sex with other girls? Or am I just acting and thinking from a wounded ego? Please let me know any thoughts or questions.. I know some of you may recognize I post on this forum semi-often because of my relationship quarrels but this is a leave-or-stay situation. If I leave, it's over - but if I stay, then no more questions.
  10. I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a year, we’ve been living together for about 4 months now, and I’m feeling some conflicting things for him.. We experiment sexually with girls together and 2 weekends ago we had a three-way with a girl we’ve known for a while. Part of the reason why I became unhappy half-way through with this was because of my own insecurities, but those amplified when he paid way more attention to her than me. At times I was just sitting watching because they went at it together. (To be explicit) He kissed her like he kissed me, and he went down on her way more passionately than he did with me. The whole night just felt off and I felt forgotten. I am objectively more attractive than the girl we spent the night with, but I feel that played no part. Afterwards, she left, and he notified something was wrong. I burst into tears, and he ended up doing the same because he didn’t realize what he was doing. We agreed on taking a break on three-ways again, and he was down the rest of the week and couldn’t get aroused a couple days after. I go to college (he’s graduated), and all he does is point out other girls or make jokes about bringing them home for three-ways. He also makes jokes about a guy I fooled around with a couple nights before ever meeting him constantly. He says it still bothers him and a part of him wishes we never met because of it. These are all the negatives...he is a sweetheart and I care for him deeply - it’s just, I can’t help but having a hard time feeling the same way I did before about him. And the fact that the guy I had a one-night thing with still bothers him after a year worries me deeply. Sex doesn’t feel the same with him, I just feel wrung up and undesirable. I know sexuality is open in biology and moreso with men, but I can’t help but acknowledge that I don’t feel enough sometimes. Is this all in my head? I feel I can use this as an opportunity to improve my self-esteem and sexuality (which I am open with, it’s just our last experience just revealed some truth about him for me). Please let me know some thoughts.. questions.. I’d really appreciate it.
  11. @zoey101 I'm 19, he's about to turn 23...a bit young, though I have to say the only immature part of me against him is some emotional development (my worry/stress issues are still pretty prevailing). Thank you so much for your response. There very well could be something wrong in the relationship, but in all honesty, he's accepting everything I've asked him to change (more affection, more conversations, etc.) without question. He very much is willing to work it out and I'm glad that you could see that, too. The changes are scary, especially because we just moved in together. But I just want us to have fun - my insecurities and needless doubting are getting in the way of that for sure. I just need to find out a way to ride the wave of the relationship in an accepting, compassionate way without getting my craziness all over it. Thank you again! I have some more things to think about.
  12. @denydritz It's hard to know what the answer is until you read it, but you've got this pretty spot on. I am definitely getting in the way of this relationship... all my ideals, expectations, and should-be's are ruining a potentially great thing. He has such a gentle heart, and I don't want to step on it. The trip back home really brought up some old insecurities, it wasn't a fun one at all. I think I project that onto him, and get even more self-conscious and worrying. If there's any books or videos you recommend for me... please send it my way - about to watch Leo's video on worrying because he's my go-to. Thank you so much for giving me another perspective on this, I deeply appreciate it. Have a good one!
  13. I brought up a lot of grievances and questions I was having about my current relationship with my long-term boyfriend, and now I can’t stop worrying about how that is affecting our relationship standing. After bringing up these thoughts and worries, my boyfriend accepted them and explained his standing. After, however, he started crying and stated that he “couldn’t see me” sometimes and that I’ve been “weird” ever since I’ve gotten back from my trip home to see family. I know why he’s saying this.. I have been bringing up a lot of issues ever since that trip because it allowed me time to reflect on our relationship. It also made me realize how spending so much time building my life with him is deteriorating my family relationships. I’m just lost and sick with worry. I worry that I’m becoming unattractive or unlike my old self when I’m with him now. I worry that, perhaps this relationship has run its course - or maybe I’m too young or scared to develop and understand a truly good thing. It just feels like he’s so annoyed with me now, which I have broughten up and he has truthfully declined. We still cuddle at night, and he’s genuinely shocked when I ask him if he’s feeling annoyed/unloving towards me. But I can’t help but feel that he’s not as in love with me as he once was. I want to make this work, and he has stated the same. He doesn’t bring up any greivances, unless I’ve been doing that too much. I believe my psyche’s beliefs about the relationship is making me dread with worry about if he’s falling out of love with me. I believe this is going to make it come to fruition if I don’t stop it now. Any advice about this or thoughts? Is this all in my head?
  14. My boyfriend and I have been dating for nearly 9 months now, we’ve moved in together, and are nearing engagement. There’s an issue that’s been semi-freqeunt, however, from a mistake I made a couple nights before I met him. I got carried away with the swiping of Tinder that I ended up fooling around with another guy, then my current boyfriend and I spontaneously decided to meet a couple days early. This was only 2 or so days after I fooled around with this other guy. I’ve told him the complete truth and answered any questions he’s had with complete honesty. These have included, “was he bigger than me?”, “Did you like it?”, “Did he make you cum?”, etc. I lost my virginity to my current boyfriend a month in from dating, but it was the first time I ever foolled around with a guy when I did with the guy before him. I felt dirty after fooling around with this guy, but I felt a huge connection to my current boyfriend after meeting which caused me never to call that guy back again. He brought him up again in our last phone call, self-conscious about his size and angry at me for my morals around it. I deeply regret fooling around with this guy, but to be honest I really wasn’t thinking. I didn’t let it permeate in my consciousness that it would lead to that, but maybe I was subconsciously tricking myself because I knew I wanted to do it..but I scrubbed my skin hard that night in the shower. I just want to know, from a relationship-moral standpoint.. am I an awful girlfriend for behaving this way prior to meeting him? Do I deserve his forgiveness? Will this relationship work or inevitably fold? I want harsh honesty, please, I need a new perspective.
  15. How do I get rid of the urge to play into my old, negative habits? (i.e. masturbation, junk food, mindless TV and YouTube video reruns, and overall time wasting) I want to spend more time creatively, cooking more healthy food, spending time with friends, focusing on my studies and watching more mindful films. When I get an urge to do these things, however, I feel weirdly guilty. It's as if I'm realizing I could have been doing these things all along, and once I hit that feeling I start distracting myself with my old habits once again. I just want to be rid of them for good - I've gotten relief from them for months at a time, but now I'm just sick of them. Any advice or videos I should refer to to change my mindset?