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About beatlemantis

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  1. As a child, I was incredibly sensitive and empathetic. Through my older years I underwent intense, impassioned emotional surges and was swayed by art, people, and my surroundings. But in these past few months (I'm only 18), I've felt disconnected from that. I feel I've underwent some subconscious numbing to this as a way to cope with my new environment. After 12 hours working as a camp counselor, I'm left with a solid 2-3 hours at home to revamp and rest. However, I'm also bunking with my little sister for two more months until I head off to college. True solitude - the type I used to experience in excess - seems to completely evade me now. I suspect this has made me short - short with my self-development and actualization, my conversations, interests... but what's bothering most of all is the fact that I don't seem tapped into that same sensational cesspool of emotions now. I try to "let go", as I've been building up stress and frustrations these past few months, but I can't feel much release. I haven't truly cried in months, which is worrying for me. I feel blocked up, resurfaced, and yet, unfinished. I would love any input on this as an experience, and maybe some advice on how to adapt to this new lifestyle on my actualization journey. I appreciate all your time, thank you.
  2. @Moreira That's really encouraging to hear, thank you.
  3. @phoenix666 Awesome. That's all super straightforward and I think really needed for me right now. So cool you were able to clear that up for me. Appreciate it Good luck with your inner demons!
  4. @phoenix666 Went through something really similar to this, had an outbreak of apathy after months of a needy self-actualized path, it drove me away from my journey and started me from the bare beginnings again... I'm glad it did, and I'm sure you can agree on that. Focusing more time on that pit in your stomach that's constantly sought to be filled by frequent conversations and positive reinforcement won't reach the real, hard internal stuff. How did you face this emptiness on your journey? Thanks so much for your input.
  5. Made me swell up. Very resonate of my life as I've contorted it with my own self-doubts. Thank you for your response.
  6. After meditating, I've noticed that I reach a very indifferent, quiet demeanor. My head is heavy, my words few (I'm a newbie who is trying to undue years and years of "unmeditative" thinking patterns, so I tend to have "rough" sessions). On the surface-level this makes sense, and I don't mind it, but I feel incredibly detached while socializing. Since I'm already prone to lack of connection with other people, adding this on top of it tends to make me feel rejected and outcast - especially since these moods drive close family members away from interacting with me. And vise versa. So, is this just me clinging onto the validation of those who aren't interested in these meditative states, or this path in general? Am I actually doing well if a distance is bridged between us? Am I just hosting poor meditation sessions? I just don't have many people who get me - and making those who do feel isolated from me really brings me down. I keep wondering if I'm taking the right path by continuing my meditation practice the way I have been, or if enhancing/modifying my experience is just playing into this mask of understanding that is most of my social interactions. I'd love to hear any thoughts on this. Thanks for reading.
  7. Continuing the study of this experience, I've just realized after reading a short section of The Road Less Traveled that it may have been brought on by a withdrawal of my love and familiarity of neediness. Be it some force outside me or a cultivation of my subconscious, this period transcended me as a means of shedding my lifelong habit of "should's" and "should-not's". It was absolutely critical for this journey, and I believe if I had faced it head-on without seeking solutions to stop my apathy, it would have been a much more swift process. Of course, these are obvious observations, but as I said before, they are absolutely necessary in direct experience (especially for a deeply habitual neurotic). Posting this add-on as a reminder to appreciate whatever whims of depression or indifference hit you - you're shedding something significant for your journey, and you'll figure out what that means for you later. For now - experience it. Thanks for reading. "...The feeling associated with giving up something loved - or at least something that is a part of ourselves and familiar - is depression." - Scott Peck
  8. @bluesky Haha, I personally see him as the spiritual Tom Segura.
  9. @gleb I'd agree with @AxelK that this is most likely an outcome of the environment of technology at your beck-and-call. Something that has helped me with this issue is completely cleaning out my use of the Internet and of technology in general. No mindless scrolling or viewing - I use YouTube intentionally, for guides and videos that will allow me to prosper and develop myself, and I pretty much never watch TV/films unless it'll be worth my time or is extremely transformative. And when I do - nothing is on the side, just focused watching with a journal nearby for notes and thoughts. This is how I've come around to increase my overall sustainability within a moment and my interaction with some form of media. It's helped me in other areas, and of course, minimizing these distractions while attempting to read or focus in school may help immensely. You've just got to get yourself used to not being able to be stimulated all the time. So when you do, you can truly focus on it. Just my immediate thoughts on the situation, I'd say you're on the right path, minimilizing your life could do you some great justice. Here's Leo's video on that: Good luck!
  10. @Ryan_047 If you think it'll benefit your life, or even if you want to try it out due to pure curiosity - go for it. No "should's" about it, just see if it works for you and it'll be a much better experience than moralizing your viewpoint of it. Of course, this doesn't mean you wouldn't benefit from going without masturbation. If you have some trouble noticing when aspects of your life are negatively impacting you, there's a ton of great things you can do to inquire within yourself (i.e. journaling, self-inquiry, etc.) I think sexuality has immense prospects for self-discovery and self-exploration. We're at similar ages, and I know it's really benefited me in feelings of liberation and connection with others - though that's not exactly necessary for a self-actualized path, it can still bode for some really interesting and impassioned life experiences. Also, just my personal thoughts on the subject... if you find that you wish to stop masturbating - strained, external control over yourself will only lead to a build-up and in my experience, inevitable struggle and "failure". @TJ Reeves has an excellent mention of self-acceptance - that is the way to truly dissolve yourself of any unwanted habits. Leo and plenty of other guides have many videos and resources about this (my recommended are below) You might even already be familiar with these, but can't help to share! I wish you the best, keep us updated, yeah?
  11. @OnceMore You've probably heard concepts similar to this (i.e. being a member of, but a huge chunk of your mental distress seems to stem from these "should" statements. I should be committed. I should be fit. I should be socially fluent. I should be feeling more optimistic. I should be showing something for my past years of living. (Leo, of course, has a video directly addressing this:) These rooted beliefs are mostly from social conditioning and your surroundings. I'm sure this is evident to you, because you are terrified of facing your old friends, who are in a similar age range but are doing what you believe you should be doing, but just can't seem to achieve. From the bottom of my heart, and from a purely logical standpoint, I want to communicate to you that there is nothing intrinsically wrong with not being where you think they are in life. There's nothing wrong with feeling stuck, with feeling like you have no motivation or energy to brush your teeth. There's also nothing wrong with wanting to get out of this state. That seems like an over-simplifying statement - but in actuality, any "should" statement is an over-simplification of the complexities of life. (I recommend watching the video if you want to go even deeper into this idea.) Exerting intense willpower and strain to achieve external goals is a habit of neurosis. As someone who grew up in that mindset, and started her actualization journey in that mindset, I'm here to tell you that it is completely unsustainable. I followed that energy for a few months just starting out, and even though I felt I was making great progress - there was a deep, pure authenticity missing. I was doing inquiries, meditations, and studying theories out of pure, incessant dislike of my life and myself. I visualized mere external goals for where the path of actualization would take me. That resulted me in a period of apathy that is probably similar to what you're experiencing now. Not much motivation, not much drive, not even enough energy to do "basic" human things like brushing your teeth or cooking a proper meal. But still - there's that voice inside of you that's telling you what you need to be doing, right? If you're willing, this state that you're in can be the perfect time for you to gradually diminish that voice. Slowly, patiently being aware of it as it appears and how it impacts you will have incredible effects on this state you're in - and has the potential of granting you the most internal, abundant freedom you've ever experienced. If you'd just allow yourself to be this way, damn it! There's plenty of teachings concerning this theory - most are about radical acceptance - that's a great basis of spirituality and needed in this type of developmental work. (I'd also recommend various Matt Kahn videos and his book - if you're interested). But again, if you feel no drive to embark in resources concerning this topic - not doing it is exactly where you need to be right now. Enjoy your state. Notice what you are going through. Give yourself the time and the patience you've been depriving yourself to really transform your life. You're exactly where you need to be, and from here, you can gain an authentic, heartfelt motivation to be kind to yourself in the ways you believe you should - i.e. healthy eating, meaningful work, deep connection, etc. I hope this helped, I wish you the best of luck in your journey.
  12. I had the most intense night of my life a couple days ago - would love to share it if it means someone else can make sense of this state. In my experience of this, my nights would dawn without content. It's usually pretty easy to have a set game-plan for the day, especially on the path to actualization. But during this time - it was the first period of my life in which I felt compelled to do no spiritual work or expand my personal development. I drudged through online forums, videos, articles - anything on what I was feeling. I watched emotionally triggering films and videos - still nothing. I was up until I completely exhausted myself, without that satisfying hit-the-mattress kind of release you'd normally feel before sleeping. The mornings after would feel uninspired, lost, and I apparently only had the energy to watch mindless comedies and do low-brow clerical work. So, a couple of nights ago, after over a month of no answers, no satisfaction, no drive or game-plan - I "slipped". I had completely dissociated from my body, my home - I felt I couldn't achieve solitude. I was sobbing like a maniac but it felt more like wet paint dripping down a thick wall, rather than a tsunami that ends in immense release. It was awfully isolating. I couldn't even feel comfort in my isolation. My tears were cold, small, and unfamiliar. During this time, there is an immense feeling of wanting to run away, which I feel is quite understandable. I mean, if I don't feel I'm getting answers from my usual resources (i.e., spirituality books, meditation, yoga..) then somewhere out there must have an answer for me. I was brought very close to the brink of booking it, but eventually passed out for a couple hours. I woke up very late in the night from a phone call from a close friend, and couldn't go back to sleep after. I couldn't go into work. I booked an appointment with a therapist, and promptly slept my heart out until the afternoon. The therapy session was distant - there was no release, and not much understanding from her side (though, there wasn't much on mine either). I feel I gained more from the journaling session I did for a few hours, which is the point I'm trying to build to here for those going through something similar.. From my understanding, this occurred from an intensely neurotic way of developing an actualized life. My old habits and paradigms constricted my worldview and cramped my acceptance of myself - even though I was doing incredibly heart-centered and conscious work. I relied heavily on the external look of things, giving myself deadlines and placing expectations on some life experiences (i.e. "you have to be perfect and conscious by college"). I can now see that this past month was almost forcing me to accept myself from what I was scared of being (unmotivated, unhealthy eating, cold/distant, stagnant, unimpressed, etc.). It wasn't so much of a step-back as it was a much-needed, 18-year-long sabbatical from my incessant to-do lists. (In the eyes of a neurotic person, these lists mostly serve as an "anything but me" distraction). I'm going to make a bold statement as to say if this is the manner you are developing yourself - it seriously will not last you long. It is not substantial, and it'll break you. But what you take from that break-point can utterly transform you. That leads us to where it's brought me today. Just the day after the disconnected therapy session and the confused, blurred-path outlook on life I've become familiar with. I realize today that a period like this is chance to start from the basics. That's where I'm taking this. Foundational, subconscious mindsets need to be restructured from a place of health and acceptance rather than a place of hatred and neediness. I'm following paths without "should's", I'm being gentle and patient with myself. I'm checking in and inquiring constantly, and I've felt extremely authentic in my needs, internal dialogue, and interpersonal relationships. A neurotic to-do list is not authenticity. If you want to taste the truth of life and live out your values, to live out what is most substantial and significant for your life - forcing it will not get you close to there. I know you've heard this before, but this is a huge shocker to me as a newbie, and an incredibly profound and much-needed direct experience for anyone taking on the self-actualization process or any self-development work. I'm thankful for this confusing, stale, and intensely important experience, and if you are going through something similar - I only hope you can be realize this was your only current necessity.
  13. Completely new way to think about meditation that I hadn't considered before. Thank you, @Prabhaker you've given me a different way to approach things.
  14. @Visitor Thank you for sifting through that post! I appreciate the checklist and encouragement. Lists tend to spark me back into a let's-get-shit-done mindset.
  15. I'm new to online journaling and don't have much etiquette in the area, so I'll just spill out everything I'm thinking and we'll see how that fits. Tomorrow will mark exactly a month in which I've been plagued by apathetic numbness. For as long as I can remember I've had a laundry list of ambitions and goals for myself - all constantly regenerated and renewed. It definitely was a strong streak of neurosis and incessant, external needs for most of my childhood and adolescence. But as I've discovered more personal development theories and Leo's channel, it shifted to a more emotionally-based, internal to-do list. Last night, I graduated from high school, and a week ago I turned 18. The weeks before those events piled on expectations and excitements of all kind. How I would feel, being the most primary. But as those have come and went, I have felt absolutely nothing. The months before this I was absolutely riveted by life, by spiritual work, by consciousness and my own psyche. I felt immense love for those around me and for the exciting turns of my life to come. I was driven, excited, and abundant in energy. Relationships were rich and full of depth, music was colorful, and I was creating so much towards my life purpose and impending success. But now, I feel hopelessly stuck. I feel no connection to my spirituality and personal development, I feel cold and isolated to the people around me,,, I feel immensely frustrated with myself for letting this come over me. There are huge expectations for me, especially at this time in life, and I was so excited to take up on them for the sake of myself - but now I feel I've dropped everything. I know I should accept, but I have that classic fear of remaining even more stuck. I try to push myself to re-embrace spirituality and my actualization, but it doesn't ignite me as it used to. I feel utterly lost and blocked-in from myself, I don't know what to do - and I would give anything to have an emotional breakthrough - even to cry. I want release so immensely, but I don't know how to open myself up to it again.