Antonius

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About Antonius

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  • Birthday 12/10/1996

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  1. I'm scared to death of showing anyone that I like them and it's destroying me. There is this cute girl at my new job and basically I'm 99% sure she likes me (probably not anymore since she saw how autistic I am). Another co-worker (guy) even tried to hook us up, but I pussied out of a done deal. I'm very inexperienced with girls and I just don't know how to talk to them. This girl likes me and I literally have no idea what the fuck to do. I'm just watching her pass by every day and I act disinterested. I don't even feel anxious, I just feel like there is now way I can get a cute girlfriend. Like it's too good to be true, there must be a catch. So basically I don't do anything because I'm sure I will fuck it up. I feel like I don't deserve to be liked by a girl like that. I still want to do something about her because I have a chance to have a cute girlfriend and get some experience. I'm just tired of the feeling of regret every time I don't talk to a girl, yet that feeling of regret is too weak to get me moving. I'M FUCKING HOPELESS AND I NEED HELP
  2. @DrMobius @Leo Gura I know microdosing is not very useful for consciousness, I just want to see if it can help me to stop taking myself so seriously.
  3. I decided to go with LSD 25x 100-125ug tabs. It's the most well researched one and I can't go wrong with it. Even if I don't glimpse the ultimate I will probably get a lot out of ~15-20 trips (I plan to microdose a lot and try a bigger dose once or twice). My next question is how often should I trip? And how do I incorporate microdosing with regular tripping? I also work 6 days a week so my only chance to trip will be when I work in the morning and am free the next day. Also the long trip duration is not ideal since I don't live alone and I can only have solo trips in the forest which is right next to my house. There are not a lot of animals in the woods, I'm more concerned of random people taking a walk.
  4. My goal is to have a mystical experience and/or glimpse the Truth, but I also crave for some REAL personal growth. I have been meditating for about 2 years now and I didn't experience very much growth so far, although I'm far better off than when I was playing video games all day. I have a much more clear conceptual understanding of enlightenment then when I first found out about it. I read about 20-30 books and I have a solid understanding of what's going on (in life in general, not just non-duality), I'm just extremely bad at embodying that knowledge. My biggest issues are my anxiety, (maybe) depression, being too serious and analytical, socially retarded (from all the video games), suppressed sexuality (nice guy) and so on. I actually did a 100ug LSD trip once, but it was a pretty shit set and setting. I didn't have a bad trip, but I didn't get much out of it. It was just a mindfuck. I also microdosed it about 10 times and I felt the growth potential. Basically I'm asking this because I'm afraid LSD won't help me as much as it could because I'm so prone to anxiety and LSD is so "speedy". Maybe if I take large enough dose and it forces me to push through that fear? I'm also afraid that 4-AcO-DMT is a weaker psychedelic and I won't get a chance of glimpsing the Truth. Psilocin sounds much more relaxed though and I think it would help me better with the "stuff". So if anyone has experience with both of these substances, what do you think is the better option for me? Also I'm willing to consider 5-MeO-DMT but since it's harder to get and expensive I would get a much lower number of trips out of it. How much growth potential is in becoming GOD 2-3 times? I'm just curious about the Truth, but I still have too much shit to handle to pursue it hardcore. EDIT: And which one is better at softening the heckin' ego? I want something to pummel that motherfucker and make me not recognize myself when I look back over time.
  5. @Viking Search "Thresholds" on the first page
  6. I read Letting Go once and now I bought a physical copy and am reading it again. It's one of those books you read once a year and it blows you away every time. I will definitely be coming back to it for a looong time
  7. Very dysfunctional orange
  8. Environmental lyrics by a vegan dude in a death metal band:
  9. https://www.thesun.co.uk/world-cup-2018/6791680/croatia-fans-zagreb-welcome-home-final/ Croatia, my home country. 300,000 (out of 4 million) people on the streets welcoming our football team which won silver medal on the world cup. People here are extremely patriotic, the country was born out of war. I believe this country is Blue as fuck, like 50% maybe?
  10. A meditation practice is fundamental to all followers of Actualized.org I'd say. Start a daily meditation habit, watch Leo's videos and maybe read some books, don't worry about anything else for now https://www.actualized.org/start
  11. You can't get a high quality relationship with looks and money
  12. I did holotrophic breathing a few times before for 15-20min so I somewhat knew what I was getting into. Yesterday I did it for 30min, lying on the floor with meditative music like Leo recommended. I got through the whole 30min with minor problems and it was pretty intense. I mostly felt massive amounts of energy moving through my arms and my chest was getting extremely tight. The headspace is unique and weird, a lot of old memories popped up and I sort of remembered how I felt when I was a kid. When the session ended I kinda heard some voices so I went to turn on the lights because I can't handle that shit yet and just laid there buzzing, it was very peaceful. My chest went from extremely tight to feeling very open and free. I can't say there was anything negative about the experience because even hearing voices is just something that's supposed to happen, but I had a problem with holding my arms spread out because it cut off my blood flow and combined with all the energy flowing it felt like they were gonna fuckin' disintegrate.
  13. Yes. I experienced this in a way that the more aware I become the LESS I know. Before I began this journey I thought I know everything there is to know about existence so I didn't have to examine anything. But when my awareness started rising it started shining through the falsehood of old beliefs. And when I realized I actually DON'T know something possibilities become endless because I can only find out what is true from direct experience, and so the real contemplation begins. Just observing your reactions and judgements, and asking yourself where are they coming from will lead you to becoming aware of the deepest beliefs you hold. When you see these old beliefs are unnecessary and let go of them, you can start listening to your intuition and gut feelings. Just be grounded in direct experience to arrive at the truth for yourself. I think there is no ultimate depth to truth and you can keep going forever, but things will nevertheless get exponentially better as you move towards it.
  14. @Joseph Maynor It's insane how accurate that list of traits is. I never thought about this stuff too much, but now I noticed that I've mostly been developing my weakest traits (Feeling and sensing). Do you think we should focus on developing our weaknesses as much as using our strengths?
  15. @Leo Gura If you start doing live workshops, will they be filmed?