stevegan928

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About stevegan928

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  • Birthday 01/08/1997

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    Arizona
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  1. @Brittany @Good-boy WTF did Rali die? I thought he wasn't uploading to focus on school.
  2. If my whole family died I think I would feel relief. Same goes for all my material possessions, if all my stuff burned in a fire I think I'd actually feel a sense on relief but I could be wrong. However I would probably feel a lot of emotional pain if just a single family member died and I just lost one of my material possessions like my laptop. Maybe I feel this way because losing one thing is like an open wound and losing it all is like just dropping dead to merge with God. Today I took seriously the thought that my mother could die any day, like literally any day because she's actually a serious addict. If someone called to tell me one day that she died I'd feel a sense of relief because she'd be put out of her misery as would I to some extent because looking at her causes suffering within me. I remember when she wasn't so skinny and her teeth looked normal, when she got regular sleep, when she seemed to have it together. She's still my mom though and I recognize her as that, I love her and I wish I was more myself around her like I was when I was a little kid. Whenever she or my dad call me I do that thing where I try to get off the phone as soon as possible but I also usually try to hide the fact that I'm doing that. I daydream about learning how to grow psilocybin mushrooms and introducing them to my mom through micro-dosing, I'd put like one mushroom in a smoothie like every other day and eventually she'd naturally stop wanting to do drugs. (as I typed that I wanted to judge our society for making them illegal but I remembered the dangers of that (what are those dangers again? I really wanna judge actually) oh yeah, all that evil exists within me yadda yadda yadda)
  3. just listen to one of his lectures. if you don't like it that's fine, it's fine to have bad taste. i have bad taste in movies, you have bad taste in lectures.
  4. i think i remember him saying he's at 130 or 140 but not 150. i could be wrong i guess. i think 130 is technically genius.
  5. Absolutely everything I do is for my own self interest including me admitting this fact. I make this journal to feel superior or something. I am more honest and open than anyone else on the forum. My journal is more honest and open than anyone else's journals. I don't meditate, I don't need to. I don't read books, I don't need to. I'm special, I'm better than you. In fact you're delusional for doing any of those things. Although internal conflict does arise a lot because I buy books and programs but don't read/do them. The reason I buy them is because part of me does actually want to be this healthy, well adjusted self-help hobbyist but another part of me thinks that's all bullshit. On top of all that I'm mostly just fucking lazy. I'm also addicted to spiritual and philosophical bypassing to some extent. I daydream all day about what the self-actualized version of me would be like and it seems like he actually tries to come out. He tries to come out by convincing me to buy books and courses that interest him (or me?) but then I just don't read them. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Maybe I'm brainwashed by our consumerist society that I just need to buy magic pills to solve all my problems. Because that's the way I treat things it seems. I buy a course but forget that I actually need to do the shit suggested in it if I expect to get any results. I buy them for entertainment as well though. So What Is My Version Of A Self-Actualized Person? Basically my hierarchy for self-actualization is you're either enlightened (top of the pyramid) or you're unenlightened (bottom of the pyramid) this is what allows me to think I'm better than others because I believe I'm the best of the unenlightened folk. Out of the enlightened folk the best ones are the ones who achieved enlightenment with the smallest amount of seeking. What am I gonna have to do to get some more replies up in this bitch? (rhetorical question)
  6. My turtle's life was put to an end recently. I asked my dad how my turtle was doing and he just looked at me with a sad look on his face and told me he passed away. Don't feel bad for me of course because I actually felt kind of happy "oh great now I don't have to worry about taking care of him for another 20 years" (turtles live a long time) you see I was planning on buying him a new big tank and some new filters. I thought that I'd feel a lot better about myself if I started taking better care of him. My turtle would come to mind often whenever I would think about the ways I cause suffering in this world, like I thought about this turtle a lot probably in a similar way to how a father thinks about his estranged child, this turtle was my responsibility and completely relied on me for life and I purposely chose to ignore it. I deserve to reincarnate as that exact turtle. One time I was hooking up with this girl I met on tinder. It was our second time hooking up, as soon as I stepped in her front door she asked me "how was your day?" I responded "fine I was just cleaning my turtle's cage" she responded "you have a pet turtle? cool kid" she then said "I use to have a pet turtle but it annoyed me so I killed it" I respond "you what?" she respond "yeah I threw it off my balcony it was funny" so me being a vegan at the time you know what I did? I fucked her, busted a nut on her face, and left. Then we fucked one more time after that. She later told me she's pregnant and I'm the father and she's getting an abortion, I told her I would reimburse her the $500 she spent on the abortion. After she had the abortion I asked her if I could see a receipt, when she said she didn't have one I told her that I won't be paying her back because I don't believe she was ever pregnant. She then blocked me on all platforms. This was about 18 months ago.
  7. Yeah, I mean... Tekashi 6ix9ine could be enlightened. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
  8. @molosku I gleaned my insight in direct awareness, I'm not trying to "make the case for it" it's a concept I must one day drop. I could explain in slightly better detail however how I came to this insight.
  9. So yeah as a kid I would have very strange thoughts, I actually considered the possibility that the whole universe is watching me at all times and I'm the center of the universe. I thought that maybe there are aliens up in the sky who spy on me at all times with some type of satellite technology that can look through walls, they would put people in my life that then go and share information about me with the aliens, this information would then be passed on to all other living creatures in the universe. I didn't know what they were up to but it felt bad. It was simply a thought that I would occasionally have that would fill my tiny toddler self with existential dread. As I grew older I would have this thought less and less and I would always feel better when I noticed that I haven't thought about it in a long time. "Oh look it's been like 9 months since I've thought about that" or "Wow I haven't thought about that in like 2 years." I once also met a friend who seemed to have similar suspicions. He once asked me with full seriousness "Are you real?" I missed a great opportunity to fuck with him there.
  10. Honestly it seems like pure useless semantics like differentiating between consciousness and awareness, awakening and enlightenment. All useless semantic drivel.
  11. Here is one of mine that I'm proud of: I construct physical reality by cross referencing memories to create a prediction of the future. Physicality is created by rapidly shifting awareness from my memories to my predictions. This is done so quickly that it goes unnoticed, in the same way that singular propeller blades on an aircraft go unnoticed when the propeller is moving at full speed, you just see a circular transparent blur, not singular distinct propeller blades, but really we know all that's actually there are singular propeller blades and not the blur we see before our eyes. The issue is that I've lived in the blur for so long that it's all I know and I believe that the blur is real and not a transparent blur.
  12. @Strikr how does one even live in today's society without buying things? you must grow your own food and gather all your resources from the wild. either that or just straight up steal shit.
  13. So one should come into this book (or any book of this kind) with the attitude that they're about to trudge through 600 pages of shit? This is what you mean correct? I'm just making sure I understand.
  14. I think this is Leo's most practical video.
  15. So I just had a very odd dream where I took 5meo-DMT. It's hard to remember in full but I'll do my best to explain it. So the setting was odd, it sort of reminded me of the videogame known as Resistance, all I remember is it seemed almost war torn and a bit post-apocalyptic/alien. Martin Ball was in it and he was the one administering the drugs, I remember there where many buckets of icecream there as well, like it was comfort food for a bad trip or something, I remember being a little thrown off by that and thinking it was kinda stupid. When it was my turn to take the drugs I was laying down and Martin was kneeling at my feet, I don't know how I took them. Did he inject my feet with 5meo? Did he put it up my ass? Some questions may never be answered, but I just remember being disappointed by the effects. I remember a surge of tingling sensation/energy going from my mid section outwards, so from around my heart and gut chakra to my arms and then my hands, my legs and then my feet, also to my balls which felt very weird and uncomfortable, the whole thing felt slightly uncomfortable, like my body was ready for a death trip but couldn't quite get there, I remember flying up into the air and seeing the landscape stretch like a piece of rubber, buildings being separated further from one and other. I can't remember much else from my "trip" I just remember being disappointed. Another Unrelated Dream I Had In The Same Night: So my best friend recently committed suicide and last night he was in a very odd dream of mine. I think I was in his home town of Winnemucca but I'm not sure, I was with my dad, we were riding a dirt bike, all 3 of us were somehow riding the same dirt bike, it was just me and my dad but then we picked up my friend, we saw a drop off on the side of the intersection, my dad just fucking drove off it, but it's okay because there was a ramp at the bottom so we landed perfectly. I don't remember much else from the dream, later I was left with the dirt bike to myself and I was driving around in the dirt, a voice in my head was making commentary on the indestructibility of dirt tires, I then went to ride the bike on the road but remembered that I don't have a licences and this vehicle isn't street legal so I pulled off to the side and started walking the bike, I saw a very odd looking police car that wasn't really a police car, I think it was an animal patrol van with police sirens and lights on top, it pulled me over, a guy got out and said something like "I'm not here to give you a ticket today, I'm here to give you your package that came in the mail." I woke up before I had time to see what it was, I think I already know what it was.