Jonson

omg.. literally me with college situation. i have so many neurotic thoughts and i'm so lazy all the time. i moved from romania to germany 3 months ago to study . for holidays i'm going home and i am sooo happy ..

IDK ... 2 much systematic thinking required // i guess i put too much pressure on myself.. I should just concentrate on less .

Right now i am thinking of growing an audience on youtube ... i have 200 subs .. i have 1 vid with 16k views.. all my videos(5 videos) from different niches. I don't know how to organize them ... i have so many ideas .. for different types of videos .. i can't even realize so many things... I have this view in my mind of a giant infrastructure where i integrate everything ... but that will never come true :(((((((((( helpp

I have too many ideas, I can't choose what i want .

Life feels so complex but also simple sometimes. There so many possible outcomes in every aspect of my life and sometimes i think about working out everything in the most efficient and least time wasting way. I feel like I have to build a huuge infrastructure that includes everything : every skill, every artistic expression ... i want to accumulate all of my knowledge in the most efficient way , because there are already soo many people who have figured out how to do things , i just have to do it myself and somehow put every piece in the puzzle, like everything has to be systematic , ordered in every possible way , from multiple perspectives.. etc I also want to include my chill days, my chill activities , parties , hanging out with friends in the infrastructure.. just like i want to create multiple styles of videos for youtube.. i can't put them all on one channel , they have to be organized in genres, subgenres etc.. But then when i focus too much on infrastructure it seems like i loose mistery, the unknown, the magical moments of life. What do you think guys?

Lol . right after i read this i saw this. weird coincidence ?

I feel the same. I'm finishing high school. I am lazy, I never had a girlfriend, I feel like i know lots of things but nothing concrete. I have an upcoming exam, i've got 1 month to prepare. I said that, from today I'm going to discipline myself and do it. I was also skinny. I started to eat a lot, learned to do push ups and pull ups . Concentrate on the form and correctness. Not on speed. Idk if this helped , but i definitely feel anxious many times and I am sure a lot of people do .

Thank you ? .

@Jcent Holy fuck, I resonate with you a lot. I'm 18, finishing high school. When I think of business and spirituality, I try to integrate both, on a day to day basis. I want to discover my true nature through work, through the daily process of my routine, through meeting new people and of course meditation. I'm just theorizing. I myself am confused about a lot of things. Just thought I would share some thoughts ??

I can not see any purpose for doing anything small works sometimes. I feel like I have to develope a bunch of different automated infrastructures so that i can actually impact people from planet earth. Otherwise what is the point of working on small projects that will not produce something universally useful. We need to create a lot of big infrastructures that suit all 8 billion people. Let's there is a guy that is passionate about sculpting chocolate. Why not use that energy and passion for art to sculpt something that is durable , why waste all that time . That is how i feel about people working sometimes. And i fear doing the same. There are these cycles like paying for company's shitty food then getting sick and paying for medicine. The whole process could've been nonexistent if some companies wouldn't have offered bad food . This is just an analogy, obviously there are many factors. But the main point is that there are so many complex systems that have the purpose of solving problems that other systems caused. It's a cycle that will not stop. i don't want systems that have problems solved by other systems, i want systems that solve their own problems and evolve. I don't know if I make sense .. or if I am just thinking about basic logic that you've already thought through.:))

Yes . Thanks You

I am a high school student and this is my last year. My family wants me to go to college, I also want to but if I do go to college and spend 3 years there, then I want that college to provide me actual skills that i can't really learn alone. I also like the idea because of the maybe like-minded people that i am going to meet. I am artistically driven. I'm very interrested in film creation, graphic design, marketing. I think that all these things can be learned alone, but my sister says that companies pay better if you have a diploma. So then I'm thinking that if I go to college then i should learn something that i can't learn alone so easily, so not artistic fields. I can do all the art stuff in my free time. I am also tehnically driven. I would love to program, i like to think of solving problems through automatization, build websites, apps. Possible businesses : Photoshop business (i can provide all sorts of services), video production business (editing and or filming commercials, music videos etc.. ) Photography business These things would probably make me fulfilled. I really like to do that sort of stuff. I am not sure yet about programming. I could probably offer many services with it but i don't know if i would want to have that as a job. I would like to have a deep understanding of it but use that knowledge when i need it , like in creating something. I don't know if i should go to college or rather take a lot of courses in whatever interests me and create all sorts of businesses where i provide a bunch of different services , that would be cool. Or i can go to college, learn programming, meet a bunch of people, and do the art related businesses in my free time , but i wouldn't want to exhaust myself. Luckily college in Austria, Europe is cheap - 40 euros a semester. I will also want to grow a youtube audience , to create all sorts of youtube videos . I am interested in every type of content :entertainment, educational ... Presenting knowledge or entertainment in a video. That sounds very inspirational to me. This way i could be a film-maker, learner, speaker... When i say educational i mean i would like for example to create quality films about every field of work, i would interview the top people in a specific field, present the most essential and important information in a way that i will be able to express my artistic drives. I also mean videos on fitness, diet, science,religion, spirituallity, specific know hows... So this is kinda what i want .. To study programming, do art related businesses, build an online presence, and channels with quality educational/entertaing videos. Besides this i have many things that i need to do : becoming fitter, more muscular (pushups, pullups, ..) Experimenting with different diets, Going out learning game , becoming more charismatic (improved vocal tonality, body language...) Find people with similar interests The thing is that i live in Romania in a smaller city .. And if i go to college i will move to Austria, Vienna - big city. Because of that i worry about my mom being lonely, actually nah she is fine , we got a huge family, she has 6 sisters and 4 brothers. I worry about her health though because she has been smoking for 30+ years .. She is 58 .. She had many mental problems ,she is a painter .. Professional paintings super talented. My father was a journalist, a writer(poems) and a french-hungarian professor for a few years. I think he was very awake spiritually and kind of understood life.Unfortunately, he also had many mental problems, he died last year, he had some health problems since he got hit by a car like 13 years ago. He didn't live with us .. I lived with my loving grandma, mom and uncle. My grandma had 10 children and i have like 19 cousins.. There are many artists in the family : singers, painters, piano players.. There are also doctors, engineers..The thing is that i worry about my mom and uncle being lonely, my mom has schizophrenia, that's how she was diagnosed.. She had some traumas in childhood..She is on medication, she is happy though and funny .. She tells us a lot about how she is the wife of god... Or that there are many gods.. She is self aware of course ... She is very cute and beautiful .. She lives with my uncle in a big house ..where my grandma raised 10 children and us... I just want to find her a group of friends maybe, be able to help her materially, with everthing , and i also worry cause she smokes... So i wanna help my mom and my whole family in every way .. Another thing is that i often worry existentially....sometimes i get aware of this body , the beating heart and i freak out lol . I love to make people laugh, i love memes , i love meta-humor, deep laughter, i love laughing about the human condition ,i love laughing about awkward interactions between humans, i love laughing at myself. I love laughing in class ,make dumb jokes, not everyone likes my weird humor only the people that i like and that's enough lol . i am very lazy in school... Need to get a girlfriend .. Didn' t have one , girls like me though im funny .. Unique looking I think i expressed some things now. I will need to structure/organize all of these thoughts. I could say so... Much i could write a book about my life.. I have so many things to be written down... It helps me to reflect a lot...

What does this green shadow mean ? that he hates green ?

@OrpheusNovum nice . thank you .