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About matoriii

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  1. @ivankiss Its strange , i am honest i really changed myself and are considerd charismatic and really positive and i dont need nothing from others to feel good so yeah i think i can truly love someone and not for narcissistic sense of lack . But im so confused that i even dont know . I helped myself to this point but now since i came into contact with realisation of unconditional and that all the things just are and that i am all i am kinda confused .
  2. @universe i know but what are then people pleasers ? They cant be alone so then they people please cause they either cant love themselves beeing alone (self image) or cand validate themselves ... So they feel alone and are around people ? Are they happy or addicted ? If you are around people doesnt mean you will be happy but i get what you are saying . You are right but my goal is freedom and even when im alone to not fall into bad habits . Hope you get what im trying to say .
  3. @universe i like how you implement it as a habit cause for us i think even the way of thinking is a habit so habits shape us so this is great . But arent i just filling up my schedule ? I am kinda still addicted to diffrent things isnt it ?
  4. @universe yeah its mostly laptop to be honest and tv , not so much a phone , and i am honest its not porn if u allude to that . Thats what i mean its tuff like attackers are everywhere lol . So i would really appreciate any tips .
  5. @universe Watching videos basicly binge watching , also listening to music daydreaming ... all escape type things . And if you ask what i am escaping .. It is probably needing to do shadow work and beeing in shambles inside my head cause i wanted to reach the unconditional ... love happines , also working so its tuff . And yeah i dont need you to tell me about this inner thoughts and all cause i already think too much when i am off the phone which even more strenghtens the cycle . I need the tip for that first step ... or not even first step but solution to this practical . Thanks for response tho
  6. Hi guys , i am writing here because i dont think anybody can help me here from where i am from . This is my story ... Since my childhood i have been traumatized and felt unsafe at my own house and outside of it . Dad alchoholic and in school bullied . Because of this and my darkest period ever i found an escape in playing basketball litterarly 8 hrs a day thats all i had . Always wanting to proove everybody wrong and always chasing love of those that didnt give it to me . (people pleasing cause of the alchoholic father and having low self worth cuase of beeing outcast ) I know its my fault in that period cause how i felt ... Not to go into details , i always wanted that love for myself which everybody needs called (self worth or self esteem ) and my way of getting it was through beeing great at basketball . Besides my unbelivable handles for that age and skill which came from my obsession with the ball i wasnt playing well in games . Often my peers less skillful and worse than me in 1v1 were killing it . Even when i got into the game its like i was scared of what people would think , of beeing seen as a failure because this was everything i had . Often going home crying because i was bad in practice (i am a perfectionist as you can see) . Always wondered why i feel this way ??? After some time i realised when i got into psychology and spirituality why it was the case . I was attached to the outcome and was DESIRING so much to be succesful and RESISTING to fail which if you know doesnt go together . To be specific my sense of self or self worth was based on this and thats why i was scared . To fail , to try , I was scared of myself . Also realised that nobody is giving me this worth or punishing me when i fail outside of me it is all in my head , my superego was too abusive to me. So i changed some stuff over time . I found out why i wanted to be succesful and have a great game . It wasnt the thing but the feeling i will feel . It was a requierment for me to love myself (i wasnt aware of this at the time , most of the people arent ) . I was so attached to basketball that i couldnt imagine my life without it . But i decided and REALISED i will be okay even if i have succes or not . I found a way to get directly to confidence and made it inner instead of outter . Guess what i became a starter and had got everything i wanted also was able to become charismatic , to show more emotions as i became more loving and my shadow became smaller and smaller as i also became more positive . BUT here after i done everything i wanted again i feel something is missing . I am starting to freakout , realising its never going to be enough , its a hamster wheel . Found out about Julien on yt and resonated with his problematic . It is like your ego raises the bar for you to feel love like its not enough even though i am in a place where my previouse self would be over the moon in this situation . I want to become whole and stop wanting outside validation , needing others so i can feel worthy , so that i can feel good enough . I want to be able no matter what image of myself is to be able to love myself cause i know its the truth . Cause everything in this world just IS , we just give it an feeling (some people feel insecure about not having a gf , i dont care about that CAUSE MY SELF WORTH isnt based on that i always wantend to be succesful ). If somebody can help me on this topic and help me realise and define my self worth and self esteem and do things from place of security and not cause i want the outside events to compensate for my lack of love for my self i would really appreciate that .
  7. I know and did all the detoxes and had miimalistic phones . Its not a problem for me to take action but that " will " will only take you so far . I am intressted in some kind of natural solution or idea . Also i am asking this cause i realise that in mine and also most of yall lives THIS addiction is the thing that is keeping you stuck and not catapulting you into life... Also the part that is tuff for me to discipline myself its hard for me to feel shame cause i done alot of first of all self improvement and had some crucial realisations that I KNOW i am everything and its worth of love and self worth but even that is beeing damaged since i am more and more less spiritual beeing stuck in this kind of life since its an escape from doing the hard stuff i need to do ..
  8. Where i am from it isnt really easy to find community like this and i dont even think spiritual people are or the ones that teach non duality or a deeper psychology live near me at all. Yeah there are churches and all but i dont think that will help me cause i think they are mostly corrupt . Is there a option online or where to look cause sometimes i really need guidence ?
  9. @abrakamowse man all you do doesnt make sense anymore ... everything you wanted was inside of you ... why you wanted to be succesful was to feel good enough not for the thing itself or to be liked by others the whole time it was about liking yourself ... See how easy it is to lose yourself in these thoughts and if u say dont think you are making huge mistake cause how are you going to change your emotional state which determines your succes AT EVERYTHING your attitude etc ... you got to make a good frame from which you operete which doesnt fall from the skies...
  10. Its kinda scary how easy it is to lose sense of reality doing this work and how easy it is to fall into a trans or depression while doing it . What do you reccomend for safety and how do you ground yourself
  11. @Bobby_2021 Listen man ... Great seeing you ask this question , suffering is one of the best things that can happen to you because its supposed to be that way . Its in the books . So here u go i was playing basketball as a kid and developed a huge attachment to it cause it was the only source of love i was getting (all the love you think you get comes from you to yourself) i was bullied in school also was a people pleaser cause of my father and this was like a obssesion to me cause i was trying to become good enough through beeing successful i was never in control people would always get to me with insults and all . BUT I NEVER GAVE UP its honestly crazy how i dont have a break on any things and you see in that time instead of that ball i could of been dead if i got to use drugs or ended up falling in love w sum else . Its gods will . So to continue i was trying everyday trainning more than anyone in my team and was worse than them everytime i went out there it seemed like it was forced and just couldnt score or do anything but u see when it goes to outside the practice i was the most skilled kid there was hidden gem as you call it . So after many cries to my home after hours and hours of watching videos and workouts , AFTER SO MUCH SUFFERING i got it . It all led me to here where i am today . It was all about trying to control uncontolable and needing stuff to go certain way so i feel good about myself which is the same as you try to get validation and be liked by somebody IT NEVER WORKS ... it was never outside of me i was the source of the emotion i was the one that was scared to fail cause i decided my worth of of succes which i could not control it was all the time my validation not outsides it was all the time my fear not the thing it self . And you kinda ask whats the point i can learn this on here or read it somewhere . But you see after getting everything i wanted and becoming tottaly diff person and doing everything i was scared of it was not the things ... you cant become good enough .... it was all the time your judgment AND now i want to force myself to have unconditional worth and control these emotions of mine which i managed to do before , but i stopped playing i stopped beeing open to suffering and now nothing makes sense . All the knowladge that clicked seems vague now without that SUFFERING which forced me to learn everything i did So when people say life is a maze and every desire leads to god (yourself) .... its indeed true .
  12. Also where do i find a book or a source of knowladge on this stuff ? What thinking pattern or belief makes you ashamed , mad ...?
  13. @Bobby_2021 U GOT IT SO WRONG ... Like i am sorry but your mind and evrything you do is a habit even YOUR THINKING ... It depends how much your ego is in control of you . But i n those bad times when you cant make sense of all this or you are maybe depressed for some time and you do something and go outside of comfort zone SUDDENLY its like you get a new thought it clicks ... you must write it ... Also your attitude is changed by repetion of the diffrent world view and new lense you constantly reinforce on things ... So changing habits its changing your character which changes your destiny . Thats how u change who you are ... Because you are not anybody who you are rn is just a role you been playing and if you want to change it its just getting out of comfort zone in all ways thinking acting beeing so ye .
  14. @Soul Flight im not doing most of the stuff you said because i see it as a requierment . BUT as of late i see how your body influences your mind . So tell me more about it why you see these things so important ?