matoriii

Hi guys , i am writing here because i dont think anybody can help me here from where i am from . This is my story ... Since my childhood i have been traumatized and felt unsafe at my own house and outside of it . Dad alchoholic and in school bullied . Because of this and my darkest period ever i found an escape in playing basketball litterarly 8 hrs a day thats all i had . Always wanting to proove everybody wrong and always chasing love of those that didnt give it to me . (people pleasing cause of the alchoholic father and having low self worth cuase of beeing outcast ) I know its my fault in that period cause how i felt ... Not to go into details , i always wanted that love for myself which everybody needs called (self worth or self esteem ) and my way of getting it was through beeing great at basketball . Besides my unbelivable handles for that age and skill which came from my obsession with the ball i wasnt playing well in games . Often my peers less skillful and worse than me in 1v1 were killing it . Even when i got into the game its like i was scared of what people would think , of beeing seen as a failure because this was everything i had . Often going home crying because i was bad in practice (i am a perfectionist as you can see) . Always wondered why i feel this way ??? After some time i realised when i got into psychology and spirituality why it was the case . I was attached to the outcome and was DESIRING so much to be succesful and RESISTING to fail which if you know doesnt go together . To be specific my sense of self or self worth was based on this and thats why i was scared . To fail , to try , I was scared of myself . Also realised that nobody is giving me this worth or punishing me when i fail outside of me it is all in my head , my superego was too abusive to me. So i changed some stuff over time . I found out why i wanted to be succesful and have a great game . It wasnt the thing but the feeling i will feel . It was a requierment for me to love myself (i wasnt aware of this at the time , most of the people arent ) . I was so attached to basketball that i couldnt imagine my life without it . But i decided and REALISED i will be okay even if i have succes or not . I found a way to get directly to confidence and made it inner instead of outter . Guess what i became a starter and had got everything i wanted also was able to become charismatic , to show more emotions as i became more loving and my shadow became smaller and smaller as i also became more positive . BUT here after i done everything i wanted again i feel something is missing . I am starting to freakout , realising its never going to be enough , its a hamster wheel . Found out about Julien on yt and resonated with his problematic . It is like your ego raises the bar for you to feel love like its not enough even though i am in a place where my previouse self would be over the moon in this situation . I want to become whole and stop wanting outside validation , needing others so i can feel worthy , so that i can feel good enough . I want to be able no matter what image of myself is to be able to love myself cause i know its the truth . Cause everything in this world just IS , we just give it an feeling (some people feel insecure about not having a gf , i dont care about that CAUSE MY SELF WORTH isnt based on that i always wantend to be succesful ). If somebody can help me on this topic and help me realise and define my self worth and self esteem and do things from place of security and not cause i want the outside events to compensate for my lack of love for my self i would really appreciate that .

I know and did all the detoxes and had miimalistic phones . Its not a problem for me to take action but that " will " will only take you so far . I am intressted in some kind of natural solution or idea . Also i am asking this cause i realise that in mine and also most of yall lives THIS addiction is the thing that is keeping you stuck and not catapulting you into life... Also the part that is tuff for me to discipline myself its hard for me to feel shame cause i done alot of first of all self improvement and had some crucial realisations that I KNOW i am everything and its worth of love and self worth but even that is beeing damaged since i am more and more less spiritual beeing stuck in this kind of life since its an escape from doing the hard stuff i need to do ..

Where i am from it isnt really easy to find community like this and i dont even think spiritual people are or the ones that teach non duality or a deeper psychology live near me at all. Yeah there are churches and all but i dont think that will help me cause i think they are mostly corrupt . Is there a option online or where to look cause sometimes i really need guidence ?

@Kshantivadin Serbia

@ivankiss Its strange , i am honest i really changed myself and are considerd charismatic and really positive and i dont need nothing from others to feel good so yeah i think i can truly love someone and not for narcissistic sense of lack . But im so confused that i even dont know . I helped myself to this point but now since i came into contact with realisation of unconditional and that all the things just are and that i am all i am kinda confused .

@universe i know but what are then people pleasers ? They cant be alone so then they people please cause they either cant love themselves beeing alone (self image) or cand validate themselves ... So they feel alone and are around people ? Are they happy or addicted ? If you are around people doesnt mean you will be happy but i get what you are saying . You are right but my goal is freedom and even when im alone to not fall into bad habits . Hope you get what im trying to say .

@universe i like how you implement it as a habit cause for us i think even the way of thinking is a habit so habits shape us so this is great . But arent i just filling up my schedule ? I am kinda still addicted to diffrent things isnt it ?

@universe yeah its mostly laptop to be honest and tv , not so much a phone , and i am honest its not porn if u allude to that . Thats what i mean its tuff like attackers are everywhere lol . So i would really appreciate any tips .

@universe Watching videos basicly binge watching , also listening to music daydreaming ... all escape type things . And if you ask what i am escaping .. It is probably needing to do shadow work and beeing in shambles inside my head cause i wanted to reach the unconditional ... love happines , also working so its tuff . And yeah i dont need you to tell me about this inner thoughts and all cause i already think too much when i am off the phone which even more strenghtens the cycle . I need the tip for that first step ... or not even first step but solution to this practical . Thanks for response tho

Its kinda scary how easy it is to lose sense of reality doing this work and how easy it is to fall into a trans or depression while doing it . What do you reccomend for safety and how do you ground yourself

@abrakamowse man all you do doesnt make sense anymore ... everything you wanted was inside of you ... why you wanted to be succesful was to feel good enough not for the thing itself or to be liked by others the whole time it was about liking yourself ... See how easy it is to lose yourself in these thoughts and if u say dont think you are making huge mistake cause how are you going to change your emotional state which determines your succes AT EVERYTHING your attitude etc ... you got to make a good frame from which you operete which doesnt fall from the skies...

Also where do i find a book or a source of knowladge on this stuff ? What thinking pattern or belief makes you ashamed , mad ...?

@Bobby_2021 Listen man ... Great seeing you ask this question , suffering is one of the best things that can happen to you because its supposed to be that way . Its in the books . So here u go i was playing basketball as a kid and developed a huge attachment to it cause it was the only source of love i was getting (all the love you think you get comes from you to yourself) i was bullied in school also was a people pleaser cause of my father and this was like a obssesion to me cause i was trying to become good enough through beeing successful i was never in control people would always get to me with insults and all . BUT I NEVER GAVE UP its honestly crazy how i dont have a break on any things and you see in that time instead of that ball i could of been dead if i got to use drugs or ended up falling in love w sum else . Its gods will . So to continue i was trying everyday trainning more than anyone in my team and was worse than them everytime i went out there it seemed like it was forced and just couldnt score or do anything but u see when it goes to outside the practice i was the most skilled kid there was hidden gem as you call it . So after many cries to my home after hours and hours of watching videos and workouts , AFTER SO MUCH SUFFERING i got it . It all led me to here where i am today . It was all about trying to control uncontolable and needing stuff to go certain way so i feel good about myself which is the same as you try to get validation and be liked by somebody IT NEVER WORKS ... it was never outside of me i was the source of the emotion i was the one that was scared to fail cause i decided my worth of of succes which i could not control it was all the time my validation not outsides it was all the time my fear not the thing it self . And you kinda ask whats the point i can learn this on here or read it somewhere . But you see after getting everything i wanted and becoming tottaly diff person and doing everything i was scared of it was not the things ... you cant become good enough .... it was all the time your judgment AND now i want to force myself to have unconditional worth and control these emotions of mine which i managed to do before , but i stopped playing i stopped beeing open to suffering and now nothing makes sense . All the knowladge that clicked seems vague now without that SUFFERING which forced me to learn everything i did So when people say life is a maze and every desire leads to god (yourself) .... its indeed true .

@Bobby_2021 U GOT IT SO WRONG ... Like i am sorry but your mind and evrything you do is a habit even YOUR THINKING ... It depends how much your ego is in control of you . But i n those bad times when you cant make sense of all this or you are maybe depressed for some time and you do something and go outside of comfort zone SUDDENLY its like you get a new thought it clicks ... you must write it ... Also your attitude is changed by repetion of the diffrent world view and new lense you constantly reinforce on things ... So changing habits its changing your character which changes your destiny . Thats how u change who you are ... Because you are not anybody who you are rn is just a role you been playing and if you want to change it its just getting out of comfort zone in all ways thinking acting beeing so ye .

So my journey is very long and basicly my life led me to this point . I am 19 btw . I did litterarly everything i wanted to do , faced almost everything i was fearing . Because first succes was a requierment to love myself , then courage then it felt like the thing that made my life better was expired and making it worse cause i started doing things just to please this super ego of mine . So i realised i was everything and cant become better , everything just is , and also this is not all but you can realise my childhood was very traumatic that i helped myself all the time . But now its like i solved my trauma and dont have the same lack to motivate me . But now... Its diffrent ... Like i saw that i am everything there is almost like the point is not to get that girl or have alot of money or all that . But is to have as small of a shadow as u can . In other tearms to have unconditional self worth and acceptance . Which i was capable to have for some time but because i stopped everything in my life . My Ego took over , indulging in all easy dopamine things stuck in this home bubble of mine . I actually am very charismatic and was actually very popular during mine "courage and conquring phase" . But honestly it dried on me like validation didnt feel that good , FREEDOM did so i ventured here . I wanted to be able to do whatever i want and not judge myself . Along that i stopped my whole life . Basketball which led me and thought me all this i stopped playing and now am like trying to force myself to enlightenment which i dont even know what it mean after like 5 mounths on not doing any work on myself . I know i will bounce back and i can do everything its needed but i dont see the point . Its like there is no place that is better than this you cant become better (worthier beeing ) like ye you can become better at something but that just is . If you dont judge your worth of it , it has no benefits . I know i have everything i ever needed and its inside me . Nothing ever gave me an emotion but myself and i know this for a fact . But yes i want to engage in life i want to go out there and do what i want . Not to fullfil me , but to be already fulfiled and do those things because i like them . I am kinda going off here . But as i said i am really stuck nothing keeps me moving because i know its my head thats causing me suffering not outside events . But still i proceed to not work on it . I dont need a guru that can elighten me i just need like advanced motivation lol . Like for people that understand more . Wish you all good day , i know times will get better for all of us . Love.

@Soul Flight im not doing most of the stuff you said because i see it as a requierment . BUT as of late i see how your body influences your mind . So tell me more about it why you see these things so important ?

Yeah thats true . But hey they got themselves to have that ability . Either if they love it or not they found a way to cashout their passion so y not . If you are triggered by that its yours . Also imagine if they talked with everyone . So you dont know the full story and shouldnt try to . Dont try to change uncontrolable

So i thought this is the place to vent to . I really need help . For last 4 mounths i have been battling my ego and fell into an depression even had thoughts of ending it . I realised i have everything i want . Every goal i wanted to achive , succes , beeing fit , funny etc . All was a requirment for me to love my self . Always judging myself . Having problems of not feeling good enough since my childhood . But last year it changed and i achieved all those ( if this happend i would be happy ... ) and after some time THE BAR GOT RAISED and it tottaly creeped me out . You cant BECOME GOOD ENOUGH . The reality is neutral we are just judging it . I also had a vision how i am everything , like every emotion ... personality , all exists in my essence and i believe when you reach those goals (when you pleased the ego how it sees the reality should be ) you get the glimpse of that essence inside of you as award . Why you want that is cause you feel like that rush of unconditional love that full acceptance ( its like core confidence indeed is full acceptance ) its like the more accepting i became the smaller my shadow has become the more love and happines (bliss) i felt , confidence also . I realised all the feelings i give my self . But due to conditioning we all judge what is good enough or worth of love , respect , sadness ... I feel as if the more can we love and accept the universe (self) , the more we are going to be happy . So if i imagine gods mind as the universe everything that exists (truth) is worth of love because the god accepted it , as us the more we accept and the more our mind becomes like the mind of god the more at home and the bigger bliss we would feel cause what you ressist it cant exist in your reality , truth = love ?? The less i need to control the happier i have been . Now i am not sure in all this but i feel and remember this felt like truth but after time its lik fog occupied my conscioussnes . Am i on the right path ? I feel like giving up and starting my normal life again cause its been paused for some time and i feel like i got even more lost ?

Man , First of all Leo is not god everyone has different realisations . You meybe realised something or saw a pattern he did not etc. My tearms of spirituality is integrating shadow and beeing whole detatching your worth and needines for outside uncontrolable stuff . You heard about think and grow rich etc. life is a mirror . So thats what i said and its quite opposite the work i did was to do everything you are scared off and realise you are everything ... You just know those people that seem to whatever they do they are just succesful . Dont be ignorant . I can bet you on anything about this stuff because i spent my whole teenage years needing and desiring succes and could not get it no matter how hard i worked . Only when i detatched my self worth and realised it was all just for emotion not thing itself thats when i became like a magnet .

Has anyone did it ? And is his programm really helpful ? Also how can you reach him , cause i think you are beeing guide by some guy on his team ?

@Inliytened1 This is not true . I am also 18 and even if you doubt it i found spirituality through pursuing and trying to achive greatness in basketball . In which i struggled cause of my emotions and it was requierment for me to love myself so i learned to detatch my self worth from outside things and realise all i was after were emotions not that thing in perticular . Cause you cant be succesful if you cant experience its opposite (not loving that self image) only when i was okay without it i got it so even succes isnt in your control and is heavily determined by your inner world . Also did everything i was scared of and got everything i wanted to see that is never going to be enough . So here i am seeking something within to find my compass SO THEN i can excell in other areas of life . What you are saying is really stubborn and speculation . Age doesnt detirmen knowledge or capability for spirituality , i even think every kid that is born is more spiritual than us cause they dont judge and are pure conssciousnes . So idk what you are talking about let the kid do it . BUT you are right i got all this through expirence and competing every day not sitting inside doing emotional masturbation .

@cetus No . You will never be ready with that logic and you will just procrastinate . Do it you have time and at the end of the day this isnt like drawing or some hobbie this is really learning how life works and about yourself . If you can conquer yourself , you can conquer the world - Dostoyevsky .

Agree , but dont get trapped in thinking you need to be this so you love yourself . Or not feeling good enough especially if the cause are things that arent in your control like so many leo mentioned here . I truly belive when you develop self love self worth within you become a magnet when you dont need outside stuff to happen for you to feel good . Also if you are alone or anything stopped doing somethig , really ask yourself is it cause you are scared and cant go outside or play a sport or whatever your hobbie is or its decision of freedom (you can be both) . Remember you also must survive too @Asia P

@NightHawkBuzz And what ? Is that in your control no , so stop getting poked about it . Also there arent many 6ft 7 dudes that run and jump like they are olympians so obviously they are rare and get paid alot .

I dont need you to say to me that i need to act as if i didnt feel something . I want to understand the thought pattern behind emotions . Example I go on a date , and the girl pays i have fun with it jokearound and still feel confident . WHILE my friends would feel shame,unworthiness , hate toward themselves . Also some guys joke around and have fun even though they are fat (they show of they stomach) , WHILE THE SAME OTHER GUY feels unworthy , unlovable , miserable . Whats the thought pattern behind it ??