Twinstar

So I took mushrooms for the first time last weekend, and it wasn't what I was expecting. Absolutely no visuals, no apparent changes in the outside world, no fractals or anything that I've heard others describe. The entire trip just took place in my mind. It was more of a feeling rather than an experience. It was something I became rather than something that happened to me. Here was my take away in case anyone else is thinking about trying them: My mind created this dream for me to learn and grow. A custom made curriculum revolving around my strengths and testing my weaknesses. It created a unique approach to playing the game which will result in a unique outcome. The mind was made to learn and explore itself. It is a game of looking into the mirror and knowing what it is that you are seeing, then realizing that you don't need a mirror. You are everywhere. Your mind created this universe. The mind is imaginary. It is only a tool relevant inside of this imaginary universe which is a part of this imaginary game. The mind came from God being bored and wanting a new way to explore and discover itself. It is a creator after all, so it simply imagined the mind and created it with the intention of the mind discovering itself. The objective of the mind is simply to be itself and fully embody what that entails. The mind is one of many facets of reality, a small part of the whole. God sent billions of beings into this game to see which specific combination of circumstances would lead to the self realized mind. Billions of probes all with unique capabilities and functions. Once it found the solution, it decided to embody it, to experience it for itself. The only way to find the right mind is to be all of them. The only way adequately judge each mind based on its own merits is to forget that you are all of them. To forget that you knew about the game. To forget that it is all a dream. Before the mind, there were no thoughts. No dualities. Just being. Everything together in one place. No need to communicate anything when everything is one. No need for thoughts or distinctions. No need for separation or division. When you realize it is only yourself that you are dividing, you stop erecting barriers. When you see it is only yourself that you are fighting, you lay down your weapon. Why opt for lose-lose when you can choose win-win? Beat the game by choosing the win-win strategy. By playing fairly and treating every player with respect, including yourself. By not fighting others, or yourself. They are ultimately the same thing. Instead focus on helping yourself and others, that alone can get you to the next level of the game.

If anyone here needs someone to talk to, someone that will listen without judgment, I'm all ears.

This is for anyone nearing rock bottom, coming from someone who has been there. Let's start with why you think that suicide is a valid option. If you are like me, you are just fed up with life. Nothing ever really makes sense, everything seems to be going wrong, and there seems to be no reason to keep living in this nightmare. Why on earth would "God" put us here just to suffer? There probably isn't even a God or anything else out there. How could there be one when the world seems so bleak and pointless? So you think, why not just end this life? Why not just take what others may consider to be the easy way out, even though it is actually the hardest decision you have ever faced in your life. Why not put an end to all this never-ending pain and suffering, why not take my poor heart out of its misery? Because you know deep down that won't end the pain and suffering, it will just create more. Maybe not for you, if you succeed in leaving this planet. And that’s a big if - but we will get back to that point. Let's start with the suffering that your voluntary end will bring to others. For me, it started with thinking about the puppy I had. If I were to finish the bottle of pills in my hand, who would care for him? How long would it take someone to even find me? Would he survive until then? My parents had enough going on, they wouldn't be able to take care of him. My parents…this would break my mother's heart…my siblings, they are too young to handle this…. So start by thinking about friends, family, pets, co-workers, teachers, therapists, your favorite barista, literally any being that may be impacted by your death. That should be enough to at least make you second-guess yourself. What if you think that there isn't a single person out there that will care if you are gone? What if you think that nobody would notice, or even that the world would be better off without you? What if you are all alone? Then you will be the one to suffer the most. You're telling me that you have made it this far all on your own? If so, that is amazing. It is amazing that you have managed to survive in this world without anyone having your back. It is amazing that you have been able to survive this long. This means that you are strong, even if you haven't realized your own strength. Your mind and body have been through so much just to get you to this point. And you are going to repay it by "putting it out of its misery"? If it was truly in misery and unable to carry on, your heart would have already stopped. The fact that your heart is still beating means that your body is still fighting for survival. It is your mind that has given up, it is your mind that you are trying to put out of its misery. You are tired of all the negative thoughts. Negative thoughts about the past, negative thoughts about the future. But realize that they are only thoughts. And the notion that suicide will end suffering is also just another thought. Do you know that for sure? Do you know that killing yourself will kill your soul, your entire being, and take away all of the suffering? Are you sure you won't be reincarnated, sent to hell, or something else? How do you know? You don't. Not if you are being honest with yourself. You just believe it will. Belief is a powerful thing. It is belief that got you in this predicament in the first place. Your belief that life isn't worth living, that things will not get better, and that suicide is the way to resolve your situation. It is all belief. To put it in a way that you don't want to hear: it is all in your head. Man, had someone told me it was all in my head, I would have had some unkind words to send their way. What do they mean it's all in my head? Do they think that I am just making up all of this very real pain and suffering? Yes. Because whether you like it or not, you are. Thoughts are a powerful thing, they shape our entire reality. Everything you've ever experienced has been registered as a thought. So when these thoughts tell you that your life sucks, it truly seems like it does. And no one will ever be able to convince you otherwise. No one can force you to change your mind. That is something that you must do yourself. So I am not here to change your mind, because I can't. All I can do is tell you how I changed mine, and perhaps encourage you to try doing the same. I started by coming to terms with the fact that all of the suffering in my life was caused by me. I took 100% responsibility for the choices that led me to this point in my life. No more blaming the boyfriend with the anger issues, I decided to date him in the first place. No more blaming the back-stabbing friends, I chose to associate with them in the first place. No more blaming the president for trying to deport me, I chose to stay in this country. No more blaming the guy that tried forcing himself on me, I agreed to go out with him. No more blaming my parents for not being loving enough, I chose to associate my self-worth with their praise and attention. No more blaming anything or anyone, because every bad situation I have been in has been co-created by me. Even though I am responsible for all of this, I don't blame myself. I'm only human, I'm bound to make mistakes. I must forgive myself and learn from my mistakes. It has taken years to forgive myself, mostly because I didn't realize how much I was still blaming myself for my attempt. It has been a secret I have carried for way too long. I'm done being ashamed about it. I may not have much control over what life throws my way, but I have full control over how I react. It has taken a while for me to regain control over my emotions, and I still struggle with them when things don't go as expected. But I am working on taming them. Not by whipping them into place, but by acknowledging them, forgiving them, and learning from them. I don't neglect my feelings or pretend that they aren’t there. Instead, I realize when they arise, and I ask myself why. Why I am upset, frustrated, sad, annoyed, etc.? I find what is stressing me out and making me reactive, then I evaluate if it is worth being upset over. It is usually not. So then I let it go. This notion of letting things go is what has truly saved me. If you'd like to know more about it, Buddhism does a great job of explaining it. I have no way of truly doing it justice, so I recommend finding books or YouTube videos on it, there are dozens out there. So I take a deep breath, fill my lungs and body with all the negative feelings, and then slowly breathe them all out. I let the negativity leave my body without judging it. I'm not upset at myself for being emotional, it's just part of who I am. I just redirect my emotions. I have chosen to stop thinking bad things about the future and to let the past go. Whether something happened 15 years ago or 15 minutes ago, it is in the past and I won't dwell on it. As far as the future goes, I am not psychic. Whenever I have planned for bad situations in my head, they never have occurred. Life is too unpredictable, I have no idea what tomorrow will hold. So why waste the present moment living in what has already passed, or on what will probably never happen? This is another thing Buddhism has greatly explained, the power of living in the present moment. Of being mindful of what is happening right now, giving this moment all of your attention. Don't live in the past, don't live in the future, live in the now. In addition to no more negative thinking, I have also chosen to focus on the good things. When someone asks me how my day was, I won’t complain even if it wasn't that great. Instead, I share with them something good. Maybe it was a pretty tree I saw this morning, a funny comment someone made, or just something that made me smile. Sounds cheesy and way too optimistic, but you have to fake it till you make it. Try talking positively about things, and eventually, you'll start thinking positively as well. Keep a journal where you write things that make your day a little better, and you'll start to notice those things more often. Chose to focus on the good things life has to offer. Especially the little things, like how the sun feels on your skin, or a nice breeze on a hot day. When something seemingly bad seems to happen, challenge yourself to see it as something good. Theorize about ways in which the situation isn't as bad as it seems. After all, whether a situation is good or bad is up to you. It is all relative, and who knows how it will play out. If you have read this far, that means there is still hope for you. It means you are looking for a sign not to follow through with your plan. Consider this to be that sign. I'll leave you with this: https://www.birchcove.co/insights/good-bad-who-knows You might think the future isn't great, but who knows? Stick around long enough to find out. Edit: in case you're curious about Buddhism, here is one of my favorite talks

@Carl-Richard I do agree. Had someone told me it was all in my head a couple of years ago, I would have thought they were just being dismissive. That was before I even knew what Spirituality was. I just assumed based on the forum that we are on that it would be adequate to make that blanket statement, which I now see was perhaps too blunt without context. Everyone is on their own journey, they all have their paths and needs. I'll try to be more mindful of that going forward.

@Carl-Richard back in December when I decided to take my mental health into my own hands. After nearly a decade of being on medications, after getting about 4 different diagnosis, after going to therapist/psychiatrists and still feeling like nothing was changing, I decided I had enough. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result, and I was truly losing my mind waiting for things to get better. As a matter of fact, I was feeling worse after each therapy session. So I stopped the medications, which I realize could have ended badly. I didn't know who I would be without them since I had been on them for so long. I was very emotionally unstable. I had been numb for so long, I forgot how to handle emotions. I turned to meditation to deal with them. Eventually, I realized all my suffering was self induced. My mental illnesses were really all in my head, something that I know people hate hearing. You don't get to choose what happens in the world, but you choose how you react to it. You choose whether a situation is good or bad, and I am choosing to see the good in everything and everyone. I'm still working on it every day, but this change in mindset has helped me much more than the antidepressants and mood stabilizers ever did.

@Kuba Powiertowski this is honestly one of the greatest things I've realized. The ability of being okay with not knowing and letting go of attachment. The next step for me after this has been seeking inner peace. Once you see how you're just playing a character, a massive weight lifts off your shoulders. Just focus on loving yourself and everything around you, and trust that peace will arise from that.

@Carl-Richard I can say that to a depressed and suicidal person because I tried to kill myself nearly 5 years ago. What you see as condescension I see as experience. I can speak about it because I have gone through it. I hope that others don't have to hit rock bottom like I did to see how it's all an illusion, but some people need to make their own mistakes instead of learning from others. I wish you the best.

@Yarco This reminds me of Ikigai. Your purpose should be something you're good at, something you love, something you can get paid for, and something that the world needs.

@Wilhelm44 if you've reached the realization of no self, then you're absolutely right that a life purpose is also just another mind game.

@Carl-Richard Mental illness and death are illusions. It might take a while, but hopefully you’ll surpass the limits they seem to have imposed on your mind. @Thought Art I completly agree, the only purpose that matters is the one that matters to you. @Wilhelm44 life can be very beautiful once you drop attachment to labels and banners. Just live life the way you want to, regardless if others see it as purposeful or not.

@Wilhelm44 it can be a mental box for those that can see how much life has to offer. It can also be a guide for those that have no idea what life holds. It just depends on where you are at, it can elevate you or hold you back. @Carl-Richard disintegration is nirvana, it is just a matter of doing it properly.

@Wilhelm44 there absolutely is. I don't like the notion of having to select one to fully master, I enjoy keeping my options open to whatever life has to offer.

@Hojo yup, it's a singularity. Everything, everywhere, all in one spot.

@Wilhelm44 I'd like to think that we all have the purpose of becoming better versions of ourselves. How we go about that can change in the blink of an eye, since any definition of being better is relative. We decide how we go about being better, and what being better even means. Following our fascination could be a purpose of its own, appreciating our capacities to explore the world and view it in different lights. Maybe being better simply means having a better view of reality, whatever that means to you.

@Jowblob the video is more of map than the actual territory. It's meant to show we each hold the universe within us. It might not be a perfectly scientific representation, or maybe it is. It doesn't matter if it's true, it's just meant to point you in the right direction. You have to realize the truth for yourself, independently of what you use to get there. This video can be a vehicle, but you still have to put in the work and guide it to get to the destination.