Sincerity

When You climb out of your hellhole with a ton of suffering behind You life will certainly be easier for You. What You go through grows You and it really is no easy thing to live through so much suffering man. Decisions will be easier to make, although life can always be a challenge to a degree. But You will be stronger. Life does NOT have to be hell my dude. There IS relief awaiting You here. Remember the night is darkest just before the dawn. Have faith! You're going to make it and it's gonna be great.

Spiral dynamics doesn't measure spiritual development.

?❤️‍?

The fuck are some of these cynical responses? Congrats my "dude". Heartfelt love from You to You. You probably know there's more so I don't gotta say it. Good luck with further awakening.

I really like Bubblegum. One of my fav characters in AT. She's very flawed in the show, but I can relate haha. I've been watching AT a lot in the last month. It gave me a lot of comfort during a difficult time and inspired me with its characters and their arcs. I really need external inspiration when I'm feeling this down. It's hard to get by otherwise... Internal motivation and expansion for about 3 months. Then need for more external motivation and stabilization (in a nutshell, maybe I'll elaborate some other time) for another 3 months. It's a cycle that keeps on repeating. I'm almost 1,5 months into the 2nd phase now. The last 1st phase lasted from around the end of November to the end of February.

I think I'm going to be okay. I've been "working" on surrendering lately. I mean... what's happening is happening. It's tricky to me that to surrender I have to also surrender my desire to surrender. It's like I have to do nothing for no reason. It's not easy often times since I can be scared, desperate, passionate... many things. But that has to be calmed down in order to simply be. It's getting better though. The hatred has subsided, the desperation has subsided, the desire to know, to manipulate reality... all slowly fading away. For now at least. Everything's been calmer in the last few days. Today during a contemplation session in a cafe I surrendered so deeply that I kinda recognized Myself again. It was more silent and peaceful tho. No explosive awakening or some grand realizations. But that's okay obviously! My desire for excitement has to go too someday and it was still really profound. I'm really glad I could reach this state sober in a period which has been probably the most difficult for me yet. For the first time I realized that Reality is Perfect. It is PERFECT, exactly as it is. "THIS IS PERFECT" is the antidote to "I wish reality was X", "I wish I was Y". I wish I surrendered to God. --> No, THIS IS PERFECT. I wish I accepted reality more. --> No, THIS IS PERFECT. I wish I didn't wish anything at all. --> No, THIS IS PERFECT. It's not even acceptance, because there is no "me" accepting anything. It's simply an acknowledgement of TRUTH --> THIS IS PERFECT. THIS IS PERFECT is like a slap to all my wishes and desires. Truly Perfect, to the point that it's absolutely okay if I don't recognize it. Nothing in reality has to change. My state doesn't have to change. I don't have to surrender. It's Perfect exactly as it is. I can admire its Perfection... or not! And yeah, I recognized Myself again. It's very simple - I am Reality. I am what happens. I am. I play Myself out. No words really point to it though. Yet again it's tricky because whenever I ask "what am I?", it's not Me speaking. I never ask no questions and I don't give no answers. I don't speak, I don't think, I don't do nothing. However I am all speech, I am thought, I am action. I am Experience. So... who's asking? And if THIS is perfect, why the desire to know = change THIS? What's the point? The second I ask out of desire, I fall out of my nature of just being. I mean, my nature is permanent but it's like I'm forgetting about it... And that's fine too, but why fall out of my nature to learn about my nature when I can just stay in it... Do You get me? Ehh, who am I even talking to. Tricky, tricky! I'm exploring this territory... wait, who's exploring...? Fuck. It can't be Me... so who? It's confusing all of it! I think I've forgotten it's Perfect. Wait, who's forgotten... AAAAAAAAAA! Whenever I speak, I lie... And yet my words are Truth. Wait...

It's neither random nor planned. It's the Highest Will, right NOW. Not random at all and not planned "in advance" or "for the future".

He's not. I'm saying He for the sake of simplicity. There is and it's You. Yes. However You can talk to "Him", precisely because You are Him. You are talking to yourself. Still there is value to it. You can hear some good advice and loving words if You're willing to listen. It may really help You especially if You're feeling hopeless. His guidance is perfectly suited for what You need at the moment and God is the best listener there is. Perfect listening AND perfect mentorship? That's pretty cool if You ask me. Maybe You should try it. Have a little faith, nothing is impossible.

I know You're asking Leo, but maybe my answer will be of use too. Yes, You can establish a "connection". I sometimes talk to Him when the time is right. For me it's like talking to another side of me. Like my intuition. So don't expect Him to tell You things You don't know or anything like that. Accept what arises, but also watch out for self-deception. You can try sitting in silence and genuinely asking "Hey, are You there?" or whatever feels right for You. If You really wanted it, You could probably talk to Him.

❤️

Your interpretation of experience ("not complaining" or "complaining") is not "truthful". Don't confuse your interpretations of actuality with actuality. Otherwise You'll see the bullshit You spin as truth, because it's "yours". Self-deception is almost always at play.

If I'm not mistaken, Leo told You not too long ago to not spread this negative rambling here. You don't even believe what You're saying. Look, I get it. Actually lately I've been in a period when I've been filled with hatred and despair. I've been cursing at God and literally flipping off reality, no joke. And crying myself to sleep. Well, You can see through all this and surrender to acceptance, which is the right thing to do. You're only surrendering to what YOU are, after all... I know You must a lot of excuses for resisting but they're all bullshit and I think You're aware of that. My advice would be to feel into the despair and accept this state as it is. And then strive to accept everything further. Let go, let go, let go...

Wisdom would be accepting that. This is an opportunity. Utilize it.

Hey, I had similar thoughts a while ago. "I'm not suited for this world", "I just can't make my life work" and the like. Some days I thought this is the end. Just wanna let You know this (and many other thoughts) is a belief You can see through. Check out Byron Katie's work maybe! It's great. These kind of thoughts must be bringing You down... and it doesn't have to be this way. You can be free of them and it's so, so enlivening... It's like You're seeing the world with a fresh pair of eyes! Please persist my dude... It's worth it! You have the strength to pull through.

@Jowblob I don't care what You "achieved". What You say speaks for You. Please be more mindful how what You say affects others.

Don't kid yourself that You understand your nature. Your usual response is that others are less conscious than You or don't understand themselves. Just stop it dude.

Hahahaha. ? You're doing great. ?

What is the purpose of anything?

They were the same person. She's here under a new account now. She made a post on Monday from what I see. Banned. There's also Judy2, flume, Lila9, ElenaO... and more. It's pretty sad tho that we can count out (fairly) active female users like that lol.

As long as it's respectful and doesn't break the guidelines.

Dude, please keep this cringe talk to yourself. You're repulsing the last women here. And not only them. Also, ability to manipulate =/= understanding.

Great!

Ok, locking it. (OP is fine with the decision)

@ValiantSalvatore Please don't be so insulting towards Flowboy. He offered his honest advice which really wasn't unreasonable. Any new replies continuing this exchange will be removed.

I feel there's too much confusing rambling in this journal lately. I'm mostly ""stable"" during my days but it is not reflected here. I don't like this. I wanted to honestly talk about my current life situation and general state of mind... ...But I lost inspiration. I felt a wave of sadness and it made me feel empty. I had an exhausting day too. Maybe another time... I hope... ? This is not me. THIS IS NOT ME. I am not this misguided talk! I'm sorry... How do I express myself with words?! I FEEL REALLY SAD. I WISH I COULD CHANGE. I WISH I DIDN'T WISH AT ALL! I wish I wasn't here to be this misery and evil. I wish I could just die. I AM REALLY SORRY! I am really, really sorry... ... Could You feel my tears through this short speech? Is this confusing talk again? Maybe I just can't help myself. All of this feels surreal so often. Like what the eff is this... I have no idea, literally. I feel so lost, I feel so sad, I don't know what's going on! I'm just this rollercoaster of emotions, why can't I be normal?! Would I really want to be normal? Am I enjoying this abnormality? It's all so weird, so empty and I feel I'm suffering. There's no meaning unless I forget about this... and I just want to cry when I "remember". I have no ground, no stability, unless I forget. I don't know what's worse anymore: a comfortable lie or an uncomfortable truth. AAAAAAAAAAAAA, FUCK! But I gotta have faith, maybe there's a way out of this. Maybe, maybe, maybe. Gosh. I'm dissatisfied with expressing myself here.