mariabudanova

Lol, i thought people here were open minded. But i guess you aren't one of them. I have had sleep paralysis before multiple times, and OBE's and Being awake, i can distinguish one from the other.

I have mentioned one of the experiences i had before. And I just shared it in my life journal so ill just copy and share it here again: My first encounter(that I remember of) happened in 2017. I usually wake up every night to go to the restroom. It was summer and the door to the balcony was opened because it was hot at night. I was going to get up but suddenly a short grey being walked out of the balcony into the room, and a second one walked after him. I was terrified...they didn't look at me, but just in case i closed my eyes for like 50% to pretend that i was sleeping. They walked towards the closet, opened the door, walked in there one by one and were gone. Maybe they just teleported or something...used it like a portal, i dunno. I was terrified, i was afraid to move, i was afraid to get up, and i was afraid to close my eyes and go to sleep too. I just pulled up the blanket to my nose and stayed still for like an hour until i fell asleep again. The next encounter happened in 2020. It was in an early morning, somewhere around 5-6 am. I opened my eyes and realised that I was surrounded by 4-5 short grey aliens. It felt like i was levitating above my bed. And i couldn't react emotionally or do anything. It's like they turned off my emotions. I was just aware of what was happening but couldn't feel emotions. They were doing something on the inside of me, something in the area of my reproductive organs. And after that i don't remember anything. And the most recent encounter happened in 2026, about couple of months ago. And there was a new alien species. A tall grey alien, i remember encountering only short greys before. So again, i woke up during the night and next to my bed near me there was a tall grey alien. I was so terrified and all I could think about was "Why am I aware?why didn't they turn off my emotions?Why can I feel everything??." On repeat, again and again. I just couldn't think of anything else. And after i thought that the alien did something and i felt this electrical wave of excitement going through my body. That exhilarating feeling that you have on a rollercoaster when you fall down. Then there was an explosion of bright blue-white light in the room and after that I don't remember anything. I am very curious about them and I wish to have a more conscious contact and communication. But i can't do anything with this uncontrollable feeling of terror that comes over me every time they show up. I wish I could just stay curious and neutral. But i just can't help it and get completely paralyzed by the feeling of terror.. Every time i wake up to use the restroom I feel so much fear. Like what if i get up and they are just standing there somewhere in the room. It creeps me out but at the same time I am very curious about them. There is this lady i found on YouTube. Her name is Barbara Lamb and for decades she has been working with people who had encounters with extraterrestrial beings. She does regression therapy. And i really want to get a session with her to understand why they come to me. It costs 300$ and i want to save up for it too. Really looking forward to meeting her someday on a call.

I have been visited by aliens again👽 My first encounter(that I remember of) happened in 2017. I usually wake up every night to go to the restroom. It was summer and the door to the balcony was opened because it was hot at night. I was going to get up but suddenly a short grey being walked out of the balcony into the room, and a second one walked after him. I was terrified...they didn't look at me, but just in case i closed my eyes for like 50% to pretend that i was sleeping. They walked towards the closet, opened the door, walked in there one by one and were gone. Maybe they just teleported or something...used it like a portal, i dunno. I was terrified, i was afraid to move, i was afraid to get up, and i was afraid to close my eyes and go to sleep too. I just pulled up the blanket to my nose and stayed still for like an hour until i fell asleep again. The next encounter happened in 2020. It was in an early morning, somewhere around 5-6 am. I opened my eyes and realised that I was surrounded by 4-5 short grey aliens. It felt like i was levitating above my bed. And i couldn't react emotionally or do anything. It's like they turned off my emotions. I was just aware of what was happening but couldn't feel emotions. They were doing something on the inside of me, something in the area of my reproductive organs. And after that i don't remember anything. And the most recent encounter happened in 2026, about couple of months ago. And there was a new alien species. A tall grey alien, i remember encountering only short greys before. So again, i woke up during the night and next to my bed near me there was a tall grey alien. I was so terrified and all I could think about was "Why am I aware?why didn't they turn off my emotions?Why can I feel everything??." On repeat, again and again. I just couldn't think of anything else. And after i thought that the alien did something and i felt this electrical wave of excitement going through my body. That exhilarating feeling that you have on a rollercoaster when you fall down. Then there was an explosion of bright blue-white light in the room and after that I don't remember anything. I am very curious about them and I wish to have a more conscious contact and communication. But i can't do anything with this uncontrollable feeling of terror that comes over me every time they show up. I wish I could just stay curious and neutral. But i just can't help it and get completely paralyzed by the feeling of terror.. There is this lady i found on YouTube. Her name is Barbara Lamb and for decades she has been working with people who had encounters with extraterrestrial beings. She does regression therapy. And i really want to get a session with her to understand why they come to me. It costs 300$ and i want to save up for it too. Really looking forward to meeting her someday on a call.

For my 26th birthday, I decided to give myself a present and take a trip to Khanty-Mansiysk. I hadn't been there in over five years. And during that time, I had somehow forgotten just how wonderful it is. Which can't be said about Omsk where I am currently living. The air here is so bad I was born in Omsk, but I grew up in Khanty-Mansiysk. I lived there from the age of three until I was almost eighteen — nearly fifteen years. And for the past six years, I've been living in Omsk. And then I stepped off the plane, and my heart filled with joy and my eyes got teary Forest everywhere. And the air was so fresh and clean. Five days later, I was supposed to fly back to Omsk.I really didn't want to leave. I was already on the plane, and we had taken off. About fifteen minutes into the flight, the captain announced that some technical issues had been discovered with the aircraft and that we would have to return to Khanty-Mansiysk Airport. I was so happy! I stepped off the plane again, and once more, my eyes filled with tears and my heart with joy. I cancelled my ticket and stayed in Khanty-Mansiysk for another day and a half. And then i returned to Omsk. As soon as i stepped off the plane onto the ground i felt this wave of heaviness and sadness taking over me... Because i have lived here for 6 years now, almost 7.. I forgot that it could be different. I mean the inner state, the way it feels to be somewhere. That doesn't feel so sad and heavy. So now I am trying to save up some money so I can move back to Khanty-Mansiysk. Can't wait!

Almost 1.5 years went by since my last post here! Here are some updates: I am working at the coffee shop again after a work break . Have been there for the last 6-7 months. I feel stuck and don't really know how to get out from this rut. I still wanna learn 3D and try to get a job there, but i am afraid that with the AI now it will be almost impossible for me. But who knows! I also blocked my mother about 13 months ago for the first time in my life and I am so proud of myself! The last straw was when I told her that i have written an application to the police station about my uncle (yes, I did this too! And I am also proud of myself for having courage to speak up) and everything he did to little girls. So i told her that i did it to which her reply was:"HOW COULD YOU DO THIS?!?!!" and bluh bluh bluh. She was concerned more about him than the girls who's psyche he has traumatized by sexual abuse. The next day after this call i was thinking about my mother and what i could say to her in case she texts me again. I thought if she blames me again for something, or scolds me or whatever..I will try to explain to her the reason why I don't want her in my life anymore, she will understand me and will agree with me and be okay with it.. And I was thinking and thinking about it. Then suddenly I had the realisation! I didn't understand it before. But suddenly it hit me!: I was waiting for her approval 😮I was waiting for her to understand me and ALLOW me not to talk to her. As soon as I realised that my hand by itself reached the phone and blocked her number. It's like I wasn't even controlling myself and I didn't expect it from myself..to cut her off just like that and also without any explanation or a warning to her. And I am so glad I did this. This is one of the best decisions of my life!🎊 My mental state started to get gradually better after i cut her out of my life. I am so glad I started going into therapy! I dunno where i would be today if i never did it. Slowly i can feel like there is developing an inner backbone. I am starting to stand up for myself little by little. And slowly i am starting to develop self-respect. It's not perfect. I still can't stand up to people at work, the girl who allows herself to treat people like shit and humiliate or belittle me. Or yell at me. But still, in comparison to what it has been a year ago.. I have made some progress! Also my father called me again couple of months ago to ask me if i could visit him. Usually he calls to ask me for money, this time he asked if i would visit. The last time I saw him was like 4 years ago and back then i only visited him out of guilt, not because I wanted to. So he asked me and i said that I am working and I dunno when I will be able to visit him. He made some comment about kids always forgetting about their parents lol. I dunno how he can call himself a "parent" but whatever. I said that i need to pay bills and i decided to say that I also need to pay for psychotherapy, on purpose. I was hoping he will ask something about it. Because no one in our family has ever talked about anything that has happened in childhood. Ever! Like it never happened. So he asked me why I would need a therapist. I have gathered all my courage and I said:"Don't you remember what you did when you were drunk when we were little?" To which his reply was something like:"Are you fucking kidding me?!?!Are you gonna blame ME?!? GO FUCK YOURSELF!" And he hunged up the phone, so i took it as a closure. And I am also happy about it, because maybe now i can let go of both of them. Even though my bro has tried to guilt trip me, to make me unblock my mother and meet her. But I was able to stay strong!

@MuadDib Beautiful

I once was a raindrop in my dream. Other raindrops and I were flying through the night sky on the grass. It was so cool to see reality from the point of a rain drop. There were so many other drops that were flying down with me. Oh, to be the raindrop... It was so beautiful.

Part 15 About 2 years ago I had a dream and I was able to become conscious enough to realize that I was dreaming. I got conscious of that only for like 10-15 seconds before I fell back into forgetfulness. But it was enough to be able to ask the presence behind the dream a question. I said into the space around me: "What is my passion?". A woman appeared in front of me. Out of a thin air she magically created a box of colorful pensils and gave it to me. I remembered a quote form someone "What did you do as a child that made the hours pass like minutes? That's what you should do often when you grow up." And when I was little my favorite thing was a process of creation via drawing. I could lose myself in it for hours. Now I also feel like for me developing the skill of 3D, beside the drawing, is very important and also of lucid dreaming and astral travelling. I had visions of myself in the future. Where I was creating 3d environments of other realms that i have visited while astral travelling and other beings I have met there. After that I was thinking of AI and I was worried that by the time I learn 3D, the AI will become so good and no one will ever hire me. But then I had an idea. I thought: what if I could create some kind of a product in the future? By combining multiple skills such as: Astral travel+Lucid dreaming+3D+drawing+storytelling+psychic abilities+AI=a product. And I also thought that maybe I don't have to worry about AI outcompeting me. Maybe we could work together on something? With my ideas and visions and AI's speed, structure and power we could create something beautiful. I thought of creating a game. For which I would learn again how to travel to other realities. Where I could interview other beings and entities from those other realms. And they all could participate in the creation of that future game. I started thinking more about it. And just by thinking of that I entered a flow state. That felt so good. I don't remember entering a flow state ever before just by thinking of something. Could this moment be like a little hint into my life purpose?

@MuadDib Thank you! No no, don't worry, all comments are welcome And I wish you well!

Still part 14. A little bit about me. I really wanna learn how to draw. I wanna master the skill. And I really wanna master 3D. I feel called to master Astral Projection and Lucid dreaming. I feel with the core of my being that something or someone is waiting for me there and that I will learn a lot from different realms and wise beings. About a year ago, for the first time in my life, I was introduced to a game: Lila game "Is an ancient and profound spiritual board game rooted in indian philosophy, particularly non-dualistic(Advaita) Vedanta and Samkhya traditions. Lila in Sanskrit means "divine play"-- the cosmic game of life where the soul forgets itself, becomes entangled in the material world, and slowly returns to self-realization The game is a metaphor for life itself: your patterns, your choices, your karma, your evolution, your forgetfulness, and your awakening. Origins and Structures Lila Game is believed to be at least 2000 years old, said to have been created by Hindu sages as a teaching tool for spiritual liberation (Moksha) It's predecessor of modern-day board games like Snakes and Ladders, but the Lila Game is philosophical, psychological, and symbolic Traditionally, it is played on a 8x8 grid (64 squares), each representing a state of consciousness -- from the lowest (delusion, ego, attachment) to the highest (unity, cosmic consciousness, liberation) Each square represents a psychological or spiritual condition. Examples include: Greed Anger Fear Compassion Discrimination Awakening Divine Grace Moksha(Liberation) The goal is to reach the 64th square, which symbolizes union with the Divine or Self-realization. Arrows and Snakes Like in snakes and Ladders, the game includes "snakes" (which pull you downward) and "ladders" (which pull you higher) Snakes = attachments, ignorance, karmic loops Ladders = grace, insight, compassion, right action Unlike modern games, every square holds meaning, and each movement is an invitation to self-reflection" Unfortunately, when I played it for the first time with people, I didn't know this game held so much meaning, so I didn't pay much attention to what my path was like during that game. So, I would like to play it again someday. BUT. To enter the game. For the game to let you in and allow you to play it, you have to ask your soul the right question about your own path. For example: about your current karmic position, your next step, or a block you're ready to face or anyting else. You think of a question to ask, then you roll a dice. If you roll a 6 that means: -your question is sincere, aligned and clear -the game is inviting you to play If you don't roll a 6: -The question might not be ripe -Your ego may be involved. There were 4 of us. And I was the last one to enter the game. It didn't let me in for like 20 or 30 minutes. Why I am saying all of that? I just mentioned earlier that I feel with the core of my being that something or someone is waiting for me in other realms and that I will learn a lot from different realms/realities and wise beings. And I have felt that for a long time. So I decided to ask the game about my own growth and development. But I couldn't ask the question in the right way for 20 minutes. Eventually 20-30 minutes later I was able to ask the question in the right way. I don't remember the exact question. But I asked something similar to- If my biggest growth and development is connected to astral travelling to other realities and also growth throught lucid dreaming. So yeah, I really wanna master astral projection and lucid dreaming. I wanna learn how to play guitar, piano and cello. I wanna learn how to dance salsa and pole-dance I wanna learn Japanese, Spanish and Norwegian and get better at English I wanna see the world, to travel to master the skill of communication maybe learn video-editing to master drawing to master 3D and to master my psychis abilities i wanna become financially free and donate money to people and animals in need and to grow my own food My Myers-Briggs Type is: INFP-T In Human Design: 2/4-Hermit/Opportunist, Generator I told before that when I was little I was drawn to Japan (and I still am) and when i was a teenager I was thinking of becoming a monk. And also that I found out that in previous life I was a Japanese monk. And i kinda had a feeling that my human design reflects it. In the previous life I was learning how to be alone, away from the world. Which shows in this life, as concious line number 2- Hermit I also thought that my past life kinda got spilled into the beginning of this life where I was isolated and abused and now, in this life, my task is to learn how to integrate myself back into the world. Which is in my subconscious line 4-opportunist And that makes me a Hermit/Opportunist. Just a theory. In numerology my life path is: Master number 11 my temperament: Melancholic-Phlegmatic in tarot my birth card is: Magician

Part 14 Hmm, I noticed that by writing here it helps to see a little shape of identity in me for me. I am so glad this platform exists. A little bit about me( just writing this phrase stirs up so much shame in me and I also now feel fear coming up, but I am learning to accept myself and to take up space, so I will continue): Sometimes, when I was little, I liked to draw. I could lose myself for hours in this activity. Only sometimes I could draw when environment allowed it. When it wasn't too frightening. I remember being 13 and looking at photorealistic drawings of artists on the internet. I was so amazed by it. And often dreamed how someday I will learn how to do it too. It's been at least a decade and I haven't started working on that skill yet, because I was busy surviving. But I think now as I heal and start to feel safe I will come back to it and will start growing that skill. When I was 13 I got desire to learn how to play guitar. In our city there was a free guitar class. And teenagers could come and learn. I took the opportunity. There were like 10 more kids in newbie group with me. The teacher told me that I am learning much faster than anyone else in the group. And asked me to perform with kids who already kinda knew how to play. I couldn't say "no" because I was scared of people's reaction at the time. So I agreed. And when the time to perform infront of people came.I was very scared of people at the time and got into a "fight or flight" response. Completely freezed and fucked up everything. No one ever supported me before or told me that it's okay not to be perfect when you just start to learn something. And that it's okay to fail. So I quit the guitar after that performance. Almost 12 years went by and I still want to learn how to play the guitar. When I was 14 years old I saw a video where teenagers were reading a poem by Arthur Rembo that starts like that: "Nobody's serious when he's just seventeen on a beautiful night, with all the lemonade and beer and the noisy cafes and the street lamps that gleam." It was in russian language. That was the day when I fell in love with poetry. I would find poems and learn them. I would read them outloud to myself on the way back home from school. That was so nice. I did that for like 2 years. Also since I was 18-19 I would look at 3D design artworks. And I am also amazed by it. I guess I really like beautiful, aesthetically pleasing design. When I see nice color combinations, or fonts that look good together, posters, package desing, beautiful websites..My god...this is amazing. I can't get enough of it.

Part 13. Where am I now? I have no degree. No valuable skills(yet). Zero money in my bank account. No knowledge of financial literacy. A huge heavy backpack full of trauma. No home to return to. No clear sense of identity. But I am not giving up. My past nearly broke me - and almost killed me. But it also helped me to realize how strong I am. Nothing can stop me, nothing can put out the fire inside of me. All I have is my sensitivity, intuition and resilience. And that's enough. I will become my own mother and father. I will reparent my inner child. I will do anything to heal myself and become whole. I will go around the whole world If I have to. And I will rise from the dead. I will learn how to make money so I can build a different life. And eventually I will build an amazing life. There is just no other option

Part 12. Where am I now? I have no degree. No valuable skills. Zero money in my bank account. I grew up in poverty. At winter my parents melted dirty snow in order for us to have water. And in autumn and spring they would gather rain in the barrels. We had no bathroom and could wash ourselves only like 5-10 times a year. We even didn't have a toilet. So i guess I also have a mindset of a poor person. But at the moment I am not conscious of those beliefs connected to money. I have a huge baggage with trauma that is dragging behind me wherever I go. C-PTSD, Developmental trauma, Narcissistic trauma, Sexual trauma, you name it. Only two years ago I realized that it's okay to have needs, I also didn't know that it's okay to feel anger. I haven't been able to feel it until this year. I still rarely can feel it though. I guess it wasn't safe for this emotion to come through when i was growing up and a huge chunk of it has been supressed over the course of my life. So when someone crosses my boundaries or abuses me I can't feel anger and I just let people do whatever they want.Instead of anger comes anxiety. Most of the time i feel flat, or I am dissociated, and I feel like I am standing behind the glass and watching the life go by. Everyday i have anxiety attacks that come from nowhere. Sometimes terror. I am drawn to narcissists and psycopaths. Couple of years ago I found out that it actually okay to say "No" to people. I am slowly getting better at it. I feel completely empty inside and I don't really have a normal sense of identity. Couple of days ago I've been really feeling it. It was so painful. I was crying and thinking "What do i need to learn? What do I need to achieve? at what do I need to succeed to finally feel worthy of existence? to feel worthy of love.. What do I need to do or become to fill the void inside of me? What do i need to get so i can finally feel like it's okay to be me, like it's okay to be alive? " Is this why people chase status and expensive things like designer clothes, bags and so on? There is a lot of emotional pain also that lives in my body. I feel it constantly. The core of my being is shame, guilt and fear. I am still afraid to talk when I am around people and feel guilty if i do speak. I feel guilty for taking up space, i feel guilty for talking or being there. If I am resting and someone comes and sees that I wasn't doing anything productive I get very anxious and fearful. Thinking they will abandon me or will get furious. I have major trust issues. I have memory issues. And i am constantly exhausted. I feel guilt and shame for my own existence. And i have so much self-hatred that lives inside of me. And it is so so painful.. My psyche is fragmented to many and many different parts. I feel like the number is 60+. I have never been whole. And it is confusing and painful. Recently, with my psychotherapist we found out that I was playing out a Hamartic life script. (And also that I had a core belief that "The only way for me to be seen is to be abused") I will share here what it is: "Eric Berne, the founder of Transactional analysis (TA), introduced the concepts of "Life scripts"- Unconscious life plans formed in early childhood, often based on messages (spoken or unspoken) from parents and caregivers. A hamartic life script is one of the most tragic and powerful types he described. What is a Hamartic life Scenario? The term hamartic comes from "hamartia", a concept in Greek tragedy-meaning a fatal flaw or unconscious error that leads to a hero's downfall. In Berne's framework, a hamartic life scenario is: A life story that is tragic, compulsive, and follows a pattern of self-destruction -- often because of unconscious loyalty to parental commands or unresolved internal conflict. Characteristics of a Hamartic Script 1. Pre-determined tragic outcome. The individual unconsciously aims at a painful or destructive end: failure, loneliness, illness, addiction, imprisonment, or even death. It is not chosen rationally, but it is lived out predictably 2. Unconscious loyalty to caregivers or early decisions Often rooted in covert parental messages like: -"You'll never amount to anything" -"Don't be more successful than me" -"You ruined my life-now suffer" Or early internal decisions like: -"I must pay for being born" -"If I'm good, maybe they'll love me" 3.Repetition compulsion The person repeats the same self-defeating patterns, despite wanting change. Often, they sabotage themselves just before success or happiness. 4.Scripted suffering The person seems "magnetized" to loss, rejection, or failure -- almost as if it's familiar and expected. There may be deep guilt associated with joy or freedom. Origin of the Script Scripts usually form before age of 7. They are written by: Early coping decisions made under emotional stress Patterns of relating and surviving in the family system Parental injunctions. (Where do they come from: 1.Parental behaviors - neglect, criticism, overprotection, emotional withdrawal. 2.Family atmosphere - grief, war, poverty, addiction, narcissism. 3.Projection - Parents may unconsciously project their own unresolved pain or unmet needs onto the child. 4.intergenerational trauma - injunctions often repeat across generations.) Such as: 1.Don't be -Message: "You shouldn't have been born." -Impact: Deep shame, suicidal ideation, self-erasure. 2.Don't be you -Message: "I don't like the kind of person you are" -Impact: Identity confusion, inauthenticity, self-rejection. 3.Don't be a child -Message: "Grow up, Stop crying, Stop needing." -Impact: Early parentification, chronic seriousness, guilt over fun or joy. 4.Don't grow up -Message: "Stay small so I can control you/ always need me" -Impact: Dependency, fear of adulthood or independence. 5. Don't make it -Message: "You're not allowed to succeed" -Impact: Self-sabotage before success, guilt around achievement. 6. Don't be important -Message: "Your needs don't matter." -Impact: Fawning, people-pleasing, invisibility in relationships. 7. Don't belong -Message: "You don't feet in" -Impact: Chronic outsider syndrome, difficulty with connection 8.Don't be close -Message: "Closeness is dangerous/shameful" -Impact: Avoidant attachment, intimacy issues, fear of vulnerability 9.Don't be well (or sane) -Message: "You get love love only when you're hurt, sick, or broken" -Impact: Psychosomatic issues, fear of wellness or joy, trauma identity. 10. Don't think -Message: "Don't question me/ authority/ what's true." -Impact: Poor decision-making, intellectual self-doubt, confusion. 11. Don't feel -Message: "Stop crying/ toughen up/ you're too emotional" -Impact: Emotional repression, dissociation, fear of feelings 12. Don't do anything -Message: "You'll fail anyway/ Don't even try" -Impact: Paralysis, learned helplessness, procrastination" When I was very little I dreamed of death. And when I became a teenager I even gave a promise outloud to myself to commit suicide by the time I am 27. So my hamartic life script was - death. And even though consciously I was dreaming of a different life. I tried to bring change into my life many and many times, but eventually I would sabotage myself. Consciously I wanted to be happy and to have a very different life to what it always has been. But somehow I would made choices and end up in situations that would trigger desire for isolation and suicidal thoughts. I was saved from suicide in 2019. And since then I thought that I chose to go a different path and that my promise is not at play anymore. But turned out that I still was going down that path. But now I am aware of it and can make a different choice. I am holding onto that scenario by being in a relationship that I have right now. Being with this person gives the fuel and resources for me to keep going down my hamartic life script. Because by being with him I recieve evidence that I am unworthy of love, that I am too much and that my feelings and I don't matter. Which confirms my inner world and my reality. But my intuition is screaming that it is time to go. Most parts of me wanna go, but that little part of me that never got any love from parents can't let go. I really want to finally let go of my past and that hamartic life scenario. I am ready for a change. And to really start working on it with my psychotherapist. She is really good.

Part 11 I have no degree. I tried though. I really tried. I enrolled in 3 different university programs over the course of 5 years. When I was 18 i went for a "Tourism management" program. But i missed at least 80% of classes, because of endless flashbacks, depression, and because it was the time when I was gonna commit suicide. I dropped out after a first year there. Went back to Omsk. I was going to take a year to prepare for entrance exams. Tried to study during that year but couldn't again because of depressive episodes. Although that was the time when my intuition started telling me that for some reason I need to learn English language. I couldn't make myself do exercises to learn English, but i could watch the series called "Friends". I would watch it with double subtitles. I couldn't understand anything. I would read russian subtitles while watching it. I would go to sleep and turn on the series in the background. I would wake up and turn it on again. I would finish all 10 seasons and I would start all over again right away. I couldn't make myself study for exams. But I could watch "Friends" in english again and again. Because i felt that I need to know English. I spent the year doing that. 3 months prior to exams I met someone online. He didn't speak russian. He was fluent in english though. It felt like I knew that guy for eternity, we had such great connection and I've developed a crush on him. We would text everyday. I would use google translator. And English language somehow started to learn by itself, without me doing any exercises. Just through chatting. When I was 20 I went for "Advertising management" program. Missed again at least 80% of classes. Because of flashbacks, depressive episodes, inability to focus, to study. I was physically hurting myself at the time and constantly was in dissociation or "fight or flight" state. Dropped out again. When I was 21 I went for "Translation and translation studies" program. The main subject was English and as second language I chose Spanish.I love how it sounds. Spent there a year and a half. Missed again at least 80% of classes because of the same reason. I really wanted to learn this time because I wanted to know spanish. I really really wanted, but I couldn't. Also that year met a guy. Got into a relationship with him and he turned out to be a covert narcissist. Spent with him a year and a half. But thanks to getting in a relationship with him, i started to read about narcissism. And that's how I was able to recognise that I was raised by a narcissistic mother. And thanks to all of that I was able to realize that my whole identity was a people-pleasing mask that i created when I was still a toddler. That was a painful realization. I dropped out of uni again. Broke up with that guy. It was really hard though for me because of my codependency issues and narcissistic trauma from childhood. The only reason I was able to get out was because he started to treat me really badly the longer we were together. And because he cheated on me. I was grateful he cheated on me because i could finally break up with him. Also after breaking up with him I was able to consciously meet my shadow side for the first time in my life. It was a great experience in my opinion. Because for a moment I could greet the darker side of me. I accepted it and talked to it for the first time and even though it was just for a moment. But it kinda turned into an interesting kinda mystical experience for me. Honestly, every time I was in Uni it just felt so wrong for me. I went there just because my mother and my brother wanted me to. It felt like every time of me being there, was me walking of my own path and heading toward a dead end. I was almost 23 when I dropped out for the last time. I was living in a Uni dorm at the time and wanted to get a job before the dorm knows I am not a student anymore and i get kicked out. I was scared to get a job(because of my trauma and my fear of people). But I had no choice. I had a very strong intuition to find a job as a barista. I didn't know why. The intuition was super strong. Telling me this is where I need to go next. I found a position. Went for an interview. And was taken right away. Even though they had multiple interviews with multiple people, I was taken right away without it. It was the first place of work where I was being treated as a human being. In previous places people in management could pull me into office by my hair and treat me however they wanted to. I think the founder of the chain of these exact coffee shops is somewhere in stage green of spiral dynamics. They have a whole system that cares about their employees. At the branch where I got hired, the manager was very nice and much more emotionally intelligent than any men i've ever met before. There also worked a guy who was quite agressive. Who would brake and throw things at the smallest inconvenience. He would trigger panick attacks in me during the work all the time. And besides that I was constantly having flashbacks and would cry a lot at work. My boss was a very nice man. And he said that either he can talk with someone at the top and ask them to pay for a psycotherapist for me or he can pay out of his own pocket and I can repay him with the time, little by little as I work there. He talked to people at the top. And they told me I can choose a therapist I like and i can have 8 sessions. Intuitively I was drawn to a therapist with a highest paycheck. It would take me at least 4 days of work to pay for just 50 minutes of that therapist. I wouldn't be able to pay her by myself. As soon as the therapist was found for me, It happened in the first 3 weeks of my work there, the agressive guy was gone. She helped me a lot with flashbacks. The method she used was EMDR(Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing). I worked with her for about a month and a half. At that time I also met an American guy online. He was a religious guy to the core of his being. And also he was 22 years older than me(which for me was weird). I was cringing a lot from the religious side of him and our age difference. But i gave it a chance anyway.Broke up with him after 10 months. Lesson learned. Never dating a religious man again. I was almost 24 when I noticed that our regular customer has set his eye on me. Also I worked there for a year already. And also my intuition was telling me that this chapter is coming to an end and it's time to make a new choice. And to leave the place where I worked. We started dating and he asked me to move in with him a week into a relationship. I was hesitating but moved in anyway. 2 months into a relationship he suggested me to leave my workplace and to take a break for 6-12 months. And do or learn what I would like to for these 6 to 12 months. Since I was 19 I have been wanting to learn 3D(I remember being 19 and thinking that I am already too old for that..which in retrospective is so so stupid). 5 years went by and the desire to learn 3D and create art didn't go anywhere. I started to watch blender tutorials on youtube. I was very excited about it. The more tutorials I would watch the more I would realise how much directions there is in 3D and how much there is to learn. There were so many videos on different things like: Modelling, Lighting, Shading and Texturing, UV wrapping, Geo Nodes and so on. I got frustrated because I didn't know where to direct my focus. And also I felt rushed because my boyfriend said I can have 6-12 months, and I don't think like I will be able to start making money from 3d in just 6-12 months. I tried to learn 3d for 4 months. And stopped for now because It just doesn't feel right. That this is what I should do at the moment. Feels like I should focus on something else. And I know what it is. Also as we started dating, I still was suffering and also I didn't speak much. Almost didn't speak at all, so my boyfriend suggested he would pay for a psychotherapist. I dunno what I would do without him and the psychotherapist. I found a new psychotherapist that lives in my city. The woman who was teaching psychology at the last uni program saw me in the class, analysed my drawing and told me that i really need to go through therapy and she gave me a contact of a woman she knew who was a psychotherapist. And honestly, it feels like we were meant to cross our paths. I go to her once a month, I would go more frequently if i had money. It's been 10 months since I've met her. And we had only 10 sessions. She has 15 years of experience and I think she is great.