mariabudanova

Part 10 I Like it when it happens. When I get random tiny rises in consciousness. It's as if Reality itself reaches out a hand to me and says "Here is a little present for you!". About 2 months ago I was just washing the dishes. I was in my usual, automatic, low-consciousness state. But suddenly, out of nowhere, it hit me like a ton of bricks. And I realised how fucking perfect was the present moment. Of just me washing the dishes. It was so perfect that i started to cry. I cried and cried and cried. It was so overwhelmingly perfect that it became emotionally painful. It was so perfect that it felt like my heart was being ripped to pieces.

@Jannes true. It was like that for me. I was denying my direct experiences for years. But it started to happen so much that i couldn't deny it anymore and it became a part of my reality now Forgot to get your previous post in quotes. "But if you hold onto an wrong paradigm you can interpretate direct experience away. Like you can feel something to be true in your direct expeirence but then dont trust it, "nah this cant be right, its not possible". This is what i was replying to.

Part 9 I had other psychic experiences before, but plant communication definitely was a new one! Here are some other interesting experiences i had: I was around 8-9. And i was dreaming of a weird scene. That didn't really felt like a dream. I was seeing this scene a lot when i was a child. And i couldn't understand what it is and why i am seeing it. I just knew that it wasn't just a dream. 15 years later i was able to find it on the internet. Turned out it was a scene from a movie "Le voyage Dans la Lun" (1902). I have never seen that movie before. At least in this lifetime. You can see the scene below. I will leave pictures. I was 11. I was with my cousin and we decided to play a game. She had to think of a fruit and i had to guess it. I looked into her eyes as she was trying to come up with a fruit. And as soon as she would think of it, I would see the fruit appear in both of her eyes. That's how i was able to win and guess everything. -Clairaudience: When I was 20. I realized i can hear spirits. They can wake me up during the night to give me some kind of information or message. Once, when I was 22 and living in the dorm. I was woken up by spirit at 4 am. And they said "Fire alarm will go off in 2 minutes." And it did. Sometimes they tell me phrases or just words of things i could research about. Like history figures, deities or places. They can warn me about something or guide me. Especially i hear my spirit guide all the time. A very loving energy that has feminine presence. She always supports me and guides me. My ego would never generate thoughts, like the ones she sents me. My spirit guide has a different energy to my ego. They even tell me when someome is a psycopath or anything like that. When i was having a random astral projection, she was behind the scene telling me what to do. I heard scary entity being in a different room and got very agitated and scared, not knowing what to do and stumbling from one corner to another. From her perspective it was funny that i am scared. She would laugh at me while i was consumed by terror. But she has a very loving energy. Also I can hear sometimes sounds. I once woke up after a nap and heard shamanic sounds and dramming in my room. although i like that i can hear my spirit guides, but sometimes demonic entities can come through. And it scares the shit out of me. I don't know anything about it. So it terrifies me. I don't know what they need or want from me. Usually i can feel them around in the room also when they come through. The terror paralyzes me and i am afraid to move around the house when that happens. - Clairvoyance Sometimes I can see people's thoughts. Once when i had a job interview I could see what my future boss was thinking about. Usually people had to go through multiple interviews with multiple people in management to get the job. But i was taken right away. No wonder why.. considering what he was thinking about, lol. Sometimes, rarely, i see sacred geometry in front of my eyes. Sometimes, when I close my eyes i see art/design I could do in the futue. I love what I see, but I don't yet have skills to make it. I am afraid i won't remember in the future what I saw. Sometimes I see flashes of future events that will happen in my life. Sometimes i see deja vus and i can predict 5 next seconds of them. I also can see scary entities that sometimes appear in my house and that also scares the shit out of me. I am scared of them. And i dunno what to do about it. - Clairsentience I feel spirits and beings around. I feel people's emotions and sometimes it is hard to discern if they are mine or someone else's. I can feel people's energies and sometimes their intentions. Recently i was able to feel the energy of the food on my plate. It was piece of meat in particular. And it had such a low and negative energy. As I was bringing the fork towards my face, I could feel the energy of my body trying to push away the energy of the meat. This is also the reason why i am trying to avoid places with people and different kinds of gatherings of people. Because so many different energies can give me anxiety attack or make me super puper exhausted. I dunno yet how to protect my own energy and not to blend in with someone else's energy. If they are depressed, I will become depressed and so on. - Claircognizance Very helpful when meeting new people, or in knowing what is right or wrong for me on my path. Once, I was able to feel that my friend's grandpa died at the day when he died. My friend lives more than 12 000 km away from me. I wanted to reach out and ask my friend if he was okay but i didn't trust myself yet at the time. -Telepathy I think it is not the strongest one, but the more aware I am of my abilities, the more stronger they become. -Mediumship People who passed on in my life come to me in dreams. I once almost missed my friend's funeral and he came to wake me up. I had a friend. Once he was doing lsd with someone else. But he wasn't in a good place during that time of his life. He was depressed and suicidal. And with one of his friends he took a lot of lsd. And something scared him. And he went off the rails. He tried to jump of the balcony. But his other friend tried to stop him. They were physically struggling. The one who tried to jump of the balcony was weaker than the other. But he became very strong that night. let's call the one, who tried to jump Bellamy. And the one who was trying to stop him Drake. Drake managed to drag him out of the apartment, so he would be away from the balcony. Drake went around the building, knocking on people's doors to ask for help. It was around 4 am in the morning. He needed more physical help from men. And while he was looking for help. Someone came up to him and said that Bellamy is outside on the street. Drake was relieved thinking that Bellamy used the stairs or elevator to go down to get some fresh air. He was relieved because he thought that Bellamy is finally safe and Drake doesn't need to ask for help anymore. But turned out that Bellamy found the balcony that was outside the apartment. And jumped off the balcony.From 10th floor. Drake rashed outside, it was around -20/-30 celcius otside. Drake took off his coat and put it on Bellamy in hope to help him to get warm a little. He died within 2 hours. Anyway. A day before his funerals I was alone at home. I was afraid to sleep because I was feeling someone's presence. So i left lights on everywhere. The funerals were supposed to be outside the city. And only on a particular schedule some buses would go to the village where funerals were supposed to be. Closer to 7 am i have fallen asleep without any alarms set. Funerals were at 13:00. And the bus was supposed to go to the village at 12:20. i remember how Bellamy connected to me through the dream.We talked a little.He showed me the cemetery and told me he will be with us. Flying above our heads and that he will be by our sides. After he said that he knocked down the curtain rod of the wall, which had been hanging there for years and had never fallen before. The loud noise woke me up. I looked at the time and it was already 12:10. just enough time to get the taxi and go to the bus stop. Thanks to him i managed to get to his own funerals and not to miss them. -Premonition About 6 months ago my grandma came to visit us with bro from a different city. She came for couple of days. She looked totally fine. She was like 70 years old. And she was travelling between the cities all by herself. But suddenly i had a feeling :"Oh, i think this is her last year". She left and in like 3-4 months after that my bro texted me. Telling me that doctors found cancer. After that I had a dream with her spirit guide. I knew it was hers because mine has different energy. Her spirit guide said "Her trip to earth and human life is coming to an end. She is departuring soon. She is going home." and 2 months after the dream. Just 2 weeks ago she passed away. And she also visited me. But not while I was sleeping. While I was doing something on my phone. She showed her face and she was very happy - Psychometry I can feel sometimes energy of objects. Oh, also my body can communicate with me through my dreams. Lately, it has been showing a lot of dreams with liver flukes. I guess it is something i need to take care of. And it also once showed me vitamin deficiencies i have through a dream. And today i dreamt of Maca powder. Someone gave me a recipe and told me it is for my health. They told me i need to take Maca powder. I have never consciously worked on these abilities. And only this year i was finally able to fully accept that I have them. I think as I heal myself. As I change my highly processed food diet. Quit my addiction to sugar and social media addiction. I will be able to feel and see more. I think my psychic abilities are very underdeveloped since i never worked on their development and this is something i wanna do now.(Also, my pupils are almost always of different sizes. Left pupil is always bigger than the right one. I think this is somehow connected to my psychic abilities.) But at first I need to become a functional person. To learn how to take care of myself financially, take care of my health and diet. And after I get some regime installed in my life, then I can work on it.

Part 8 A NEW LAYER OF REALITY recently opened up for me.(almost 2 months ago) I heard before that some people can communicate with animals and plants. And i thought it was really cool. But still.. it was hard to believe in it fully because at the time i haven't had a direct experience..until recently Almost 2 months ago I stumbled upon a channel on instagram of a woman who can communicate with animals, plants, nature spirits and so on. She has a video where she responds to a question from a subscriber: "How do they(trees/plants) know who they can connect with? " And here she gives an answer that a palm tree gave her: "It is quite easy for us palm trees or trees in general, or nature beings in general, to see and feel who is ready to connect with us. Because you have this inner light, this inner beacon that shines really brightly outward. When you are in state of receptivity or even if you are just curious and aren't sure how to do connections or communications. If that light within is shining brightly, we know that you are absolutely able to connect in with us and we are so excited! We basically shout at you, when we see these lights walking by. Some people have these lights that are flickering on and off. And they are kind of at that edge of frequency shifting..belief systems. It kind of just depends on what makes that light flicker. And then some people just don't have lights on at all and that's okay! That just means they are not ready to connect in with a magnificent being like me." Here the girl who can communicate describes what the tree showed her: "He is showing me kind of like a sea of people...all just shadows, bodies..moving around.Some people have really bright lights, some people have those lights that are flickering and then some have no lights at all. Palm tree says: Shine your light as brightly as possible and we will call you in, so..even if you have no idea what you're doing, we are trying to communicate with you always!" I watched like 5 more videos from her instagram channel and turned on after a random tarot youtube video. And, suddenly, I felt how my energy was being pulled by something towards the windowsill that had 3 plants on it. My energy was drawn towards one particular plant - Anthurium(picture below) it is called. I guess it wanted to connect with me and pulled/called me in by my energy. It communicated to me telepathically. I could see people's thoughts before but wasn't aware of the ones from plants. My mind still was struggling to believe. But it was undeniable. The plant told me it needed more water. I still was in disbelief but i went to get water anyway. Gave it some water and suddenly i felt like my whole body went into a whole different mode. I knew it wasn't mine because i felt fine and totally different before giving water to the plant. I guess because it knew now that i was receptive and could finally hear it, it decided to share how it felt with me. I felt a wave of intense discomfort, my arms got crossed in a weird clenched position. I felt being trapped, compressed and restricted. I felt like I couldn't breathe and move. I realized that the pot was very small for the plant. It wasn't even my plant. I have never had one before and definitely don't know anything about plants and have no idea how to take care of them. So i couldn't logically know that the pot was small. The plant let me know. And then i got the urge to turn on a different video. And I saw an ad under the video. About pots!!! for healthier plants. I have never watched videos about how to take care of plants, so this ad couldn't appear because of the videos i was watching..That's such a cool confirmation.

Part 7 I remember being around 7 yrs old and having a very clear feeling:"I came here with a purpose. And something amazing awaits me in the future". It wasn't in a form of a thought. It was in a form of a deep inner knowing.That feeling wasn't just an idea. It was a profound certainty that lived inside of me. I remembered about it only couple of years ago. I am curious to find out what this purpose is. I remember being between 9 and 11. I would sit in a position people do for meditation. I would close my eyes. And I could feel myself changing my own shape. Like I could feel myself being small and big at the same time. And then I would feel myself beeing every size in between. From a single grain of sand to a planet and beyond. And the coolest thing about it was that i was the size of all of that at the same time. And it felt so cool and weird. It always made me laugh or smile. I remember being 13 and sitting in front of my bro's computer. I had a feeling that there is some kind of divine orchestration at play, a mysterious order behind everything. But i didn't really know how to describe it. I wanted to search something about it on the internet, but i couldn't put it into words. I really wanted to know what I was feeling. I wanted to find it. I wanted to know more. It was like a deep ache.Like: "arhggg, what is ittt????". So I put into a search bar something like "Balance in cosmos", hoping it would lead me somewhere. But I didn't find anything i was feeling. I was looking for books on the internet and I saw some books about the soul. I remember imagining how one day I would have money to buy those books and discover something profound. How one day I will find the answer. When I was 15, I discovered a video of Terence McKenna on youtube, talking about DMT and describing it as a spirit/god molecule. It was my first time hearing about psychedelics. I immediately felt I had stumbled upon something profound, something I was destined to explore. Hoping that someday it will happen for me. I remember being 15-16 years old and thinking about my future. I thought:"Maybe I could become a monk in the future?". I also was drawn to Japan since I found out about it (when I was 9-10). And to Japanese language. When I was 17 I had a random out-of-body experience. I remember being in the room and seeing objects that were on the shelfs moving by themselves and a plant fell off the shelf by itself. And also every object didn't look the same anymore. I mean it didn't look as physical or solid as usually. It was kinda hazy or ethereal or made of energy or projected, i don't really know how to describe it. And suddenly I saw a hatchway appear on the ceiling and opening. I saw the sky through it and I saw golden light pouring down from that hatchway. And it felt like it was welcoming me to enter it and explore. But i was scared. I knew nothing back then about OBEs or astral projection and lucid dreaming. So i tried to get back into the body, i was slapping my own face and trying to get in the body. Although now I wish i would go there and explore. When I was 19 I was drawn to information about Astral Projection and Lucid Dreaming. I was fascinated by it. I started reading articles i could find on the internet and I knew it was something that i should explore. One day I was drawn to watch a video named "instant third eye stimulation". I was drawn to meditate also. I would do it for 5 minutes a day for 4-7 days before sleep. And after that interesting things started to happen to me. I had couple of OBEs but again i was so scared that i would stop it and I regret it now. I was super lucid and it always seemed more real than the life i am living now. Almost every night I would go to a different reality or dimension. I saw different beings. I saw a planet with a purple atmoshpere and I knew I lived there before. I was flying around that planet, it was my home in a different life but then suddenly I saw another planet approaching. It collided with the one I was on. And the impact caused it to split in half. From its core a massive golden DNA stand emerged- as big as the planet itself- and from it golden symbols began to fly out into the space. Every night i was in a different reality. I once was in a dimension where I met "my" teacher/mentor. Not from this life but somehow I knew that once he was my teacher. It was a chinese man. Old. With a long white beard (like 2-3 meters long). He approached me and gave me the book. It was a huge book with thousands of pages. He told me:"If you can understand this book--You will understand Existence itself". I went through the book. Through every page and it was completely empty. Once I saw one of my past lives. I was a Japanese woman and I had a daughter. We lived in a tall building. I came up to the window and saw an atomic bomb in the sky, my daughter was near me. In just a moment after seeing the bomb i got into reincarnation menu and chose spanish language and became a little 5 year old girl in some kind of a spanish village during a war. I remember sitting inside of a ruined house. in front of me on the floor was a newspaper and on it ears and fingers i could find to eat. Oh and once I was flying through a cosmic tunnel like the one on the picture. I suddenly got aware that i am flying through a cosmic tunnel and after the realization i felt energy appear in the bottom of my spine. As i was flying further the energy was intensifying and suddenly it shoot from the bottom of my spine to my head. It was so intense that it made me jump out of bed during the night. But during that time I also got addicted to a dirty substance and my travelling to different realities stopped and i wasn't able to access it since 2020. in 2021 i was able to brake my addiction because overdoses got more frequent and I had a strong feeling that the next time i do it I will die. So that's how I was able to quit.But after I stopped it didn't come back to me, my ability to travel between realities. But on the other hand I also didn't do anything for it to come back. Also couple of years ago I had a past life regression session and I found out that I was a Japanese monk before. I remember feeling lonely. Maybe that's why I am so drawn to Japan and to learn japanese language. One day in the future I would like to live in Japan for couple of years.

Part 7 Blessing in disguise Despite all the pain and suffering my childhood and the people around me caused me.. Something deeper was also happening. Everything I survived gave me keys. Keys to depth, keys to intuition. Behind the scenes of all the fear, neglect and silence, something was unfolding. The trauma and hypervigilance opened the gates to a different reality. While I was trying my best to survive the hell I was living in, my psychic sensitivities and intuition were quietly developing in the background. I thought I have been lonely and entirely on my own through the suffering I endured since I was a toddler. But recently, I started to realize that I have never truly been alone. Existence itself has been quietly present all along, a constant unseen companion.( I haven't had any enlightenment experiences yet, so at the moment Reality is still a different mysterious being from me to me) If you learn to pay attention, reality speaks to you. Through patterns, through numbers, through symbols, other people who cross your path just at the right moment, radio, synchronicities, through spirits and different beings. It speaks to me directly through the dreams i see at night, offering wisdom. Many dreams carry messages-sometimes unclear--sometimes clear--leading me further down the path of self-discovery. This presence leaves little breadcrumbs along the way--small signs, nudges, flashes of intuition--to guide me forward on the path toward enlightenment. It plays a cosmic game of hide and seek with me. And i think it wants me to find it eventually. It's a long journey. Sometimes fun, sometimes terrifying, sometimes profoundly beautiful, and sometimes incredibly painful. But I am so happy that I was invited to play

Part 6 NDE About 3 months after that experience I had NDE(near death experience). I overdosed on something. And it was a very scary experience(The symptoms of an overdose). Just 10 seconds after taking it i started laughing. And 2 minutes after that I started to feel very nauseous. I lost ability to speak and I also couldn't move. I was standing near the sink in the kitchen. And my ex with his friend was there too. They suggested to go to another room. Left. But I couldn't follow them. And also couldn't tell them that I couldn't . My ex came back for me and they set me on a chair in the middle of the room. At first I started to lose my vision. Everything around me started to go white and black. And it became like a white and black noise on a TV that doesn't work. I felt so much pressure inside my head that i truly believed that my eyes would pop out of their sockets. There was so much pressure and pain. And after that it felt like something in my head exploded, it was followed with a loud, high-pitched ringing, my vision became white. And after it my organs started to fail, although my vision came back. I couldn't breathe anymore and my heart started stopping. And suddenly I felt some kind of a mysterious and loving force pulling me out of the body through the head. And as I was pulled out slowly, I could see myself rising above the body. And as I was leaving the body, the body started fall off the chair. I could see the room and I could see my ex catching the body. I could see how they were hitting my face, trying to bring me back. As I was above the body( not entirely though, that force managed to pull only half of me out of the body but after they started hitting me I got sucked back into the body) I still could feel like the essence of me stayed. But I couldn't remember myself as "me". I was just consciousness. There were no narattion, no stories about the past or future. I felt like all the problems were gone. It felt really good not to be bothered by the ego or to be associated with it, there was even no memory of narration or memory of memories. I just didn't have a sense of self, I was just consciousness. But i quickly was sucked back. I became me again. I became Masha again. And started throwing up and couldn't stop for like an hour. My senses started to come back. I could speak again, I could move again. Although my heart wasn't doing that good for quite some time after that experience. Just standing up would bring exhaustion. I quickly forgot about that experience and went on with my life. That experience on New Year's eve where i felt unconditionally loved got me out of depression. Gave me sometime to breathe before the next episode of depression came. I left the college. I was there just for one year and visited only like 20% of classes. I didn't study actually. The girl from that college i was going to classes with was living with her girlfriend at the time. And they kindly let me crash on their couch for about a month and a half. I didn't know where to go next. My mother and her crazy boyfriend lived in one part of Khanty-Mansiysk. My grandma and my pedofile uncle were in another part of the same city. I didn't wanna go back to any of them. Then I remembered my girlfriend had gone to study in a different city and had her own apartment. I asked her if i could stay with her for a while, and she agreed. So from S.Petersburg I went to Kurgan. She was living there with her boyfriend in a one-room apartment, so they let me sleep on the balcony. I found a job in a clothing store, but there was no contract, nothing official. I worked there for about two months, and in the end, they payed me 3 times less than they promised-i worked there almost for free. I stayed with her for about 3 months, but then things started falling apart. She and her boyfriend began fighting. He felt like I was a third wheel, that I was getting in the way of their relationship. So I had to leave. Then I remembered my brother was living in Omsk. I asked if I could stay with him for a while. He said yes and so I went back to Omsk.I was already 19 when I came back to Omsk. We left it with our whole family when I was about 3 years old.

Not too long after New Years night i discovered a movie that deeply touched me. It is called: "Mr.Nobody" (2009) It is still one of my favorite movies some other movies I like: -Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind -Into the wild -The boy in the striped pyjamas -Requiem for a dream -Dead poets society -The secret life of Walter Mitty -Truman show -Harry Potter -How I live now -Interstellar

@UpperMaster Aw, thank you for all the good words and your support. I really appreciate that and i wish you a great life!

Part 5. When I was almost 18, I got into my first relationship with my classmate.- just a week prior to our graduation from high school. The first two months were okay. But soon we had to choose where to go next- what college to attend. My ex chose a college in a different city, and I decided to go with him. I was from a very poor family. And money was a problem. My boyfriend said that when we got there, we would rent a place together. He got there first, and I came a week later. But by the time I arrived, he had already met new people - new girls - and told me that he changed his mind and wanted to live alone. It wasn't easy. Living in a big foreign city where I knew no one except my ex. I found a room in an old building. The cold, wet room, with mold, infested with cockroaches, fleas and bed bugs. My boyfriend started to flake on me so he could spend time with other girls. He started lying and gaslighting me. He began abandoning me, and it triggered my traumas. Until that time i didn't remember much of my childhood. It stirred up a lot of things that were hidden from my conscious mind. At first it brought emotions of pain and unworthiness. Then it stirred up heavy things - memories that deeply traumatized me and all of the emotions that were suppressed. All at once. I started getting hit by flashbacks. One flashback would pull in the next one, and that would bring another and so on. I got stuck in a loop, where a series of flashbacks repeated for hours. I was reliving it all over and over again and it was retraumatizing me again and again. It was happening every day, for hours. I cried constantly. I couldn't sleep at night. I stopped going to classes. I couldn't take care of myself. I was completely disconnected from the present moment and reality. I got completely consumed by flashbacks. They felt more real than the present reality at that time. My body believed that it was actually happening. It felt like a decade's worth of unprocessed trauma and unresolved abuse resurfaced all at once and washed over me. The pain became so unbearable. On the fourth month of this- the daily flashbacks, the endless crying. the sleeplessness- I slipped into psychosis. The pain was so intense, that sometimes I was literally screaming. Sometimes even in the middle of the night, at 5 a.m. I would wake up everyone who lived in the rooms near mine. I didn't even care anymore that there were people around. Reality felt distorted. I was seeing hallucinations. And was afraid to sleep. I was so exhausted from the constant emotional pain. It felt like the core of my being has become just emotional pain and suffering. I had to hurt myself physically because it was the only thing that helped me to return to reality. I would cut myself with sharp things and knives . The physical pain helped me to get out of flashbacks and reconnect with the present moment. I lived in that nightmare for almost four months( not in psychosis though, It didn't last for too long). I was exhausted. I couldn't take it anymore. I decided it was time to fulfill my old promise. At that point I saw Death as a kind lullaby, soothing me after years of unrest. I wanted Death to hold me. And take my pain away. We decided, that two more months have to pass before we meet. Because I knew it was a serious step. And also I wanted to leave something beautiful before I left. I wanted to leave some letters for people that knew me. And i needed time to come up with something that would last. Something meaningful. And it just felt so right..to wait a little. But less than a month later something happened. New Year's eve was around the corner. My ex went to another city to celebrate with someone else. He left me alone and told me to celebrate with his new classmate. His classmate agreed to spend the celebration of a New Year with me and said that he will bring something that will make our celebration unforgettable. It was midnight. He brought *something*. At the time I didn't know anything about it. And I didn't really care, because I was gonna end my life anyway. I took this "something". Before that night, I had never felt safe. I was disconnected from my own body. I was always anxious. I had never been showed love or affection. I have never felt connected to anyone. Since the time i was very very little. I didn't know anything outside of unworthiness, fear, disconnection, anxiety and depression. But that night has changed everything. It saved my life. For the first time in my life, I felt accepted. It showed me empathy. I felt unconditionally loved by existence itself. I felt safe. I felt whole. Every second felt as an eternity itself. It felt like in the space around me there was a being. A huge, mysterious, boundless being and it was just pouring love onto me. I felt so worthy and so deserving of everything. I felt like I was love itself. It took me out of depression. Not forever- it didn't heal me completely. Depressive episodes will come many times after that. But it showed me that there is more to being alive. It showed me there was something outside of depression. That another reality existed. That something else was possible. It gave me glimpse into a life I have yet to discover. It made me happy and it gave me hope. It felt like existence itself heared my cries for help and sent to me *something* because it loves me. And it felt like *something* took me by my hand and pulled me out of a dark hole that I was sitting in. And said "Look! There is more to life. There is not just pain and suffering...There is also so much love! And so much beauty! There is everything and more! Just wait..it will change...You'll see. Don't give up. There is so much more ahead, just wait." What is *something*?- Unfortunately I can't say what it is publically because I live in Russia and i don't want to have any legal issues. To be continued...

Part 4. My first paranormal experience My mother has a brother. And he had a wife and 3 daughters. When i was almost 11 his wife commited suicide. After the funeral, my uncle and his daughters moved out of the home where it had happened and came to live with us. Not long after that something happened. One morning, I woke up around 8 a.m. and was watching TV (The Mickey Mouse club, in particular). My mother was outside, hanging washed clothes on the line. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a dark shadow appeared on the wall. It was a sillhouette of a woman. The shadow began to move, running, going around all four walls. At first, i hid under the blanket, terrified. Then i ran out of the room. That wasn't the last time she came. After that day she started visiting often. During the day she would turn on the kettle or the washing machine. And at night she would make loud noises-turning on the stove, spinning the computer chair. She would knock a pensil against the table, run around, and we could hear her footsteps and feel vibrations from the floor( we were sleeping on the floor at that time). That was the first paranotmal experience I can clearly remember. Life didn't slow down after that strange encounter. Around the time I was 11, my mother managed to get rid off my father- or maybe he left on his own, i dunno. But anyway, he was gone. For the next 3 years my cousins continued living with us. We fought a lot. Scratching, beating and pulling each other's hair. They would start first and I would fight back. Eventually they moved out to a different place. And then my mother met someone new. He turned out to be a terrible person. Agressive and crazy. He was even worse than my father. I lived with them for a while. He once set the room, in which i stayed in, on fire ( when i wasn't at home). He was so agressive, I was afraid to exist in that space and to make any noise, or to do anything. I was very scared of him and was afraid to come back home from school. So eventually, I moved in with my cousins, my grandma and my uncle. I was hoping that at least there it will be a little bit better. But my uncle turned out to be a pedophile... I lived there for about 3-4 years, until I was nearly 18. And somewhere during that time, I started dating my first boyfriend.

@Natasha Tori Maru sure!

Could you share those experiences with me?how did you meet them? and what was happening? I am curious, if you don't mind sharing. I have never heard of it before. Ye, i guess i have to be more careful being this vulnerable, thank you:)

When i was 17 I was visited by aliens. I once woke up in the middle of the night and there were 2 aliens. They were quite short. They went from the balcony to the closet. Opened the door, got into the closet. And didn't come out. They were gone. I was so terrified, tried not to move and was afraid to fall asleep. That was an interesting experience. And also when I was 10 and 13 i saw their spaceships.

Part 3. My parents never spent time with me. They didn't care. But we had a cat. She was like a parent to me. She was so intelligent and even knew how to play hide and seek. She always played with me. She was my family. But one day my father got drunk. My cat used her litter box, but she missed a little and her poop got onto the floor. What happened next deeply traumatized me... He grabbed my cat by her legs and started banging her head against the table to get her skull open. The cat was screaming. I was screaming in terror and begging him to stop, but he didn't care. He violently killed my cat infront of my eyes-she was everything to me, my caretaker, my friend, my family. There were kids older than me and bigger than me. They were twins, two sisters, who would like to hold me hostage sometimes. They liked to inflict physical pain on me. It brought them pleasure.( i was around 6-7). I think it was going on for years. They had a crazy huge dog that once got of the chain and attacked me, biting through my back and dragging me all around the yard. After this incident those kids held me in their home and didn't let me go. I wanted to go home, but one of the girls said to not let me go to another girl and said that she will run outside and bring the dog inside. They thought it would be a good idea to brng the dog inside and sic it on me. What happened next is blocked by my psyche. I can't remember. These are just some memories out of many..about the things that happened to me by the age of 10. Emotional and physical abuse has been going on for many and many years. With couple situations of sexual trauma. By the time I went to school, I was already terrified of people (of adults and kids). When I was at school, going to classes, I was afraid to speak and even to move my body. I couldn't learn. I was constantly in survival mode, constantly terrified, and much of the time dissociated. My nervous system was always on edge, 24/7 scanning the environment for the next sign of danger ( i even slept with my eyes half-opened for most of my childhood). I never felt safe-not at home, not at school, not even in my own body. I didn't even know what it feels like to feel safe. When you're in survival mode, your brain and body aren't concerned with learning, growing or playing. All of your energy is directed outward, toward looking for threats, trying to predict people's behavior, trying to avoid being hurt. My senses were always on high alert. Every sound, every facial expression, every shift in someone's voice could mean danger. It was exhausting. The constant hyper-vigilance shaped the way I moved through the world. I couldn't focus, I couldn't rest, I couldn't lt my guard down--because i have learned that the moment I did, something bad might happen. So I stayed alert. All the time. It wasn't living. It was surviving. The only skills I could master while growing up were my people-pleasing skills--I got really good at that. I also learned how to be invisible. How to stay still. To the point where, once, when a teacher asked my classmates where I was that day, all of them said I hadn't come to school- when, in fact, I was sitting right there in the class with them. I didn't speak for the first 7-8 years of school at all. To be continued...