mariabudanova

@MuadDib Beautiful

I once was a raindrop in my dream. Other raindrops and I were flying through the night sky on the grass. It was so cool to see reality from the point of a rain drop. There were so many other drops that were flying down with me. Oh, to be the raindrop... It was so beautiful.

I once dreamt that I was a man. In that dream I had an orgasm and it felt so weird. Definitely very different from a female orgsm.

Part 15 About 2 years ago I had a dream and I was able to become conscious enough to realize that I was dreaming. I got conscious of that only for like 10-15 seconds before I fell back into forgetfulness. But it was enough to be able to ask the presence behind the dream a question. I said into the space around me: "What is my passion?". A woman appeared in front of me. Out of a thin air she magically created a box of colorful pensils and gave it to me. I remembered a quote form someone "What did you do as a child that made the hours pass like minutes? That's what you should do often when you grow up." And when I was little my favorite thing was a process of creation via drawing. I could lose myself in it for hours. Now I also feel like for me developing the skill of 3D, beside the drawing, is very important and also of lucid dreaming and astral travelling. I had visions of myself in the future. Where I was creating 3d environments of other realms that i have visited while astral travelling and other beings I have met there. After that I was thinking of AI and I was worried that by the time I learn 3D, the AI will become so good and no one will ever hire me. But then I had an idea. I thought: what if I could create some kind of a product in the future? By combining multiple skills such as: Astral travel+Lucid dreaming+3D+drawing+storytelling+psychic abilities+AI=a product. And I also thought that maybe I don't have to worry about AI outcompeting me. Maybe we could work together on something? With my ideas and visions and AI's speed, structure and power we could create something beautiful. I thought of creating a game. For which I would learn again how to travel to other realities. Where I could interview other beings and entities from those other realms. And they all could participate in the creation of that future game. I started thinking more about it. And just by thinking of that I entered a flow state. That felt so good. I don't remember entering a flow state ever before just by thinking of something. Could this moment be like a little hint into my life purpose?

@MuadDib Thank you! No no, don't worry, all comments are welcome And I wish you well!

Still part 14. A little bit about me. I really wanna learn how to draw. I wanna master the skill. And I really wanna master 3D. I feel called to master Astral Projection and Lucid dreaming. I feel with the core of my being that something or someone is waiting for me there and that I will learn a lot from different realms and wise beings. About a year ago, for the first time in my life, I was introduced to a game: Lila game "Is an ancient and profound spiritual board game rooted in indian philosophy, particularly non-dualistic(Advaita) Vedanta and Samkhya traditions. Lila in Sanskrit means "divine play"-- the cosmic game of life where the soul forgets itself, becomes entangled in the material world, and slowly returns to self-realization The game is a metaphor for life itself: your patterns, your choices, your karma, your evolution, your forgetfulness, and your awakening. Origins and Structures Lila Game is believed to be at least 2000 years old, said to have been created by Hindu sages as a teaching tool for spiritual liberation (Moksha) It's predecessor of modern-day board games like Snakes and Ladders, but the Lila Game is philosophical, psychological, and symbolic Traditionally, it is played on a 8x8 grid (64 squares), each representing a state of consciousness -- from the lowest (delusion, ego, attachment) to the highest (unity, cosmic consciousness, liberation) Each square represents a psychological or spiritual condition. Examples include: Greed Anger Fear Compassion Discrimination Awakening Divine Grace Moksha(Liberation) The goal is to reach the 64th square, which symbolizes union with the Divine or Self-realization. Arrows and Snakes Like in snakes and Ladders, the game includes "snakes" (which pull you downward) and "ladders" (which pull you higher) Snakes = attachments, ignorance, karmic loops Ladders = grace, insight, compassion, right action Unlike modern games, every square holds meaning, and each movement is an invitation to self-reflection" Unfortunately, when I played it for the first time with people, I didn't know this game held so much meaning, so I didn't pay much attention to what my path was like during that game. So, I would like to play it again someday. BUT. To enter the game. For the game to let you in and allow you to play it, you have to ask your soul the right question about your own path. For example: about your current karmic position, your next step, or a block you're ready to face or anyting else. You think of a question to ask, then you roll a dice. If you roll a 6 that means: -your question is sincere, aligned and clear -the game is inviting you to play If you don't roll a 6: -The question might not be ripe -Your ego may be involved. There were 4 of us. And I was the last one to enter the game. It didn't let me in for like 20 or 30 minutes. Why I am saying all of that? I just mentioned earlier that I feel with the core of my being that something or someone is waiting for me in other realms and that I will learn a lot from different realms/realities and wise beings. And I have felt that for a long time. So I decided to ask the game about my own growth and development. But I couldn't ask the question in the right way for 20 minutes. Eventually 20-30 minutes later I was able to ask the question in the right way. I don't remember the exact question. But I asked something similar to- If my biggest growth and development is connected to astral travelling to other realities and also growth throught lucid dreaming. So yeah, I really wanna master astral projection and lucid dreaming. I wanna learn how to play guitar, piano and cello. I wanna learn how to dance salsa and pole-dance I wanna learn Japanese, Spanish and Norwegian and get better at English I wanna see the world, to travel to master the skill of communication maybe learn video-editing to master drawing to master 3D and to master my psychis abilities i wanna become financially free and donate money to people and animals in need and to grow my own food My Myers-Briggs Type is: INFP-T In Human Design: 2/4-Hermit/Opportunist, Generator I told before that when I was little I was drawn to Japan (and I still am) and when i was a teenager I was thinking of becoming a monk. And also that I found out that in previous life I was a Japanese monk. And i kinda had a feeling that my human design reflects it. In the previous life I was learning how to be alone, away from the world. Which shows in this life, as concious line number 2- Hermit I also thought that my past life kinda got spilled into the beginning of this life where I was isolated and abused and now, in this life, my task is to learn how to integrate myself back into the world. Which is in my subconscious line 4-opportunist And that makes me a Hermit/Opportunist. Just a theory. In numerology my life path is: Master number 11 my temperament: Melancholic-Phlegmatic in tarot my birth card is: Magician

Part 14 Hmm, I noticed that by writing here it helps to see a little shape of identity in me for me. I am so glad this platform exists. A little bit about me( just writing this phrase stirs up so much shame in me and I also now feel fear coming up, but I am learning to accept myself and to take up space, so I will continue): Sometimes, when I was little, I liked to draw. I could lose myself for hours in this activity. Only sometimes I could draw when environment allowed it. When it wasn't too frightening. I remember being 13 and looking at photorealistic drawings of artists on the internet. I was so amazed by it. And often dreamed how someday I will learn how to do it too. It's been at least a decade and I haven't started working on that skill yet, because I was busy surviving. But I think now as I heal and start to feel safe I will come back to it and will start growing that skill. When I was 13 I got desire to learn how to play guitar. In our city there was a free guitar class. And teenagers could come and learn. I took the opportunity. There were like 10 more kids in newbie group with me. The teacher told me that I am learning much faster than anyone else in the group. And asked me to perform with kids who already kinda knew how to play. I couldn't say "no" because I was scared of people's reaction at the time. So I agreed. And when the time to perform infront of people came.I was very scared of people at the time and got into a "fight or flight" response. Completely freezed and fucked up everything. No one ever supported me before or told me that it's okay not to be perfect when you just start to learn something. And that it's okay to fail. So I quit the guitar after that performance. Almost 12 years went by and I still want to learn how to play the guitar. When I was 14 years old I saw a video where teenagers were reading a poem by Arthur Rembo that starts like that: "Nobody's serious when he's just seventeen on a beautiful night, with all the lemonade and beer and the noisy cafes and the street lamps that gleam." It was in russian language. That was the day when I fell in love with poetry. I would find poems and learn them. I would read them outloud to myself on the way back home from school. That was so nice. I did that for like 2 years. Also since I was 18-19 I would look at 3D design artworks. And I am also amazed by it. I guess I really like beautiful, aesthetically pleasing design. When I see nice color combinations, or fonts that look good together, posters, package desing, beautiful websites..My god...this is amazing. I can't get enough of it.

Part 13. Where am I now? I have no degree. No valuable skills(yet). Zero money in my bank account. No knowledge of financial literacy. A huge heavy backpack full of trauma. No home to return to. No clear sense of identity. But I am not giving up. My past nearly broke me - and almost killed me. But it also helped me to realize how strong I am. Nothing can stop me, nothing can put out the fire inside of me. All I have is my sensitivity, intuition and resilience. And that's enough. I will become my own mother and father. I will reparent my inner child. I will do anything to heal myself and become whole. I will go around the whole world If I have to. And I will rise from the dead. I will learn how to make money so I can build a different life. And eventually I will build an amazing life. There is just no other option

Part 12. Where am I now? I have no degree. No valuable skills. Zero money in my bank account. I grew up in poverty. At winter my parents melted dirty snow in order for us to have water. And in autumn and spring they would gather rain in the barrels. We had no bathroom and could wash ourselves only like 5-10 times a year. We even didn't have a toilet. So i guess I also have a mindset of a poor person. But at the moment I am not conscious of those beliefs connected to money. I have a huge baggage with trauma that is dragging behind me wherever I go. C-PTSD, Developmental trauma, Narcissistic trauma, Sexual trauma, you name it. Only two years ago I realized that it's okay to have needs, I also didn't know that it's okay to feel anger. I haven't been able to feel it until this year. I still rarely can feel it though. I guess it wasn't safe for this emotion to come through when i was growing up and a huge chunk of it has been supressed over the course of my life. So when someone crosses my boundaries or abuses me I can't feel anger and I just let people do whatever they want.Instead of anger comes anxiety. Most of the time i feel flat, or I am dissociated, and I feel like I am standing behind the glass and watching the life go by. Everyday i have anxiety attacks that come from nowhere. Sometimes terror. I am drawn to narcissists and psycopaths. Couple of years ago I found out that it actually okay to say "No" to people. I am slowly getting better at it. I feel completely empty inside and I don't really have a normal sense of identity. Couple of days ago I've been really feeling it. It was so painful. I was crying and thinking "What do i need to learn? What do I need to achieve? at what do I need to succeed to finally feel worthy of existence? to feel worthy of love.. What do I need to do or become to fill the void inside of me? What do i need to get so i can finally feel like it's okay to be me, like it's okay to be alive? " Is this why people chase status and expensive things like designer clothes, bags and so on? There is a lot of emotional pain also that lives in my body. I feel it constantly. The core of my being is shame, guilt and fear. I am still afraid to talk when I am around people and feel guilty if i do speak. I feel guilty for taking up space, i feel guilty for talking or being there. If I am resting and someone comes and sees that I wasn't doing anything productive I get very anxious and fearful. Thinking they will abandon me or will get furious. I have major trust issues. I have memory issues. And i am constantly exhausted. I feel guilt and shame for my own existence. And i have so much self-hatred that lives inside of me. And it is so so painful.. My psyche is fragmented to many and many different parts. I feel like the number is 60+. I have never been whole. And it is confusing and painful. Recently, with my psychotherapist we found out that I was playing out a Hamartic life script. (And also that I had a core belief that "The only way for me to be seen is to be abused") I will share here what it is: "Eric Berne, the founder of Transactional analysis (TA), introduced the concepts of "Life scripts"- Unconscious life plans formed in early childhood, often based on messages (spoken or unspoken) from parents and caregivers. A hamartic life script is one of the most tragic and powerful types he described. What is a Hamartic life Scenario? The term hamartic comes from "hamartia", a concept in Greek tragedy-meaning a fatal flaw or unconscious error that leads to a hero's downfall. In Berne's framework, a hamartic life scenario is: A life story that is tragic, compulsive, and follows a pattern of self-destruction -- often because of unconscious loyalty to parental commands or unresolved internal conflict. Characteristics of a Hamartic Script 1. Pre-determined tragic outcome. The individual unconsciously aims at a painful or destructive end: failure, loneliness, illness, addiction, imprisonment, or even death. It is not chosen rationally, but it is lived out predictably 2. Unconscious loyalty to caregivers or early decisions Often rooted in covert parental messages like: -"You'll never amount to anything" -"Don't be more successful than me" -"You ruined my life-now suffer" Or early internal decisions like: -"I must pay for being born" -"If I'm good, maybe they'll love me" 3.Repetition compulsion The person repeats the same self-defeating patterns, despite wanting change. Often, they sabotage themselves just before success or happiness. 4.Scripted suffering The person seems "magnetized" to loss, rejection, or failure -- almost as if it's familiar and expected. There may be deep guilt associated with joy or freedom. Origin of the Script Scripts usually form before age of 7. They are written by: Early coping decisions made under emotional stress Patterns of relating and surviving in the family system Parental injunctions. (Where do they come from: 1.Parental behaviors - neglect, criticism, overprotection, emotional withdrawal. 2.Family atmosphere - grief, war, poverty, addiction, narcissism. 3.Projection - Parents may unconsciously project their own unresolved pain or unmet needs onto the child. 4.intergenerational trauma - injunctions often repeat across generations.) Such as: 1.Don't be -Message: "You shouldn't have been born." -Impact: Deep shame, suicidal ideation, self-erasure. 2.Don't be you -Message: "I don't like the kind of person you are" -Impact: Identity confusion, inauthenticity, self-rejection. 3.Don't be a child -Message: "Grow up, Stop crying, Stop needing." -Impact: Early parentification, chronic seriousness, guilt over fun or joy. 4.Don't grow up -Message: "Stay small so I can control you/ always need me" -Impact: Dependency, fear of adulthood or independence. 5. Don't make it -Message: "You're not allowed to succeed" -Impact: Self-sabotage before success, guilt around achievement. 6. Don't be important -Message: "Your needs don't matter." -Impact: Fawning, people-pleasing, invisibility in relationships. 7. Don't belong -Message: "You don't feet in" -Impact: Chronic outsider syndrome, difficulty with connection 8.Don't be close -Message: "Closeness is dangerous/shameful" -Impact: Avoidant attachment, intimacy issues, fear of vulnerability 9.Don't be well (or sane) -Message: "You get love love only when you're hurt, sick, or broken" -Impact: Psychosomatic issues, fear of wellness or joy, trauma identity. 10. Don't think -Message: "Don't question me/ authority/ what's true." -Impact: Poor decision-making, intellectual self-doubt, confusion. 11. Don't feel -Message: "Stop crying/ toughen up/ you're too emotional" -Impact: Emotional repression, dissociation, fear of feelings 12. Don't do anything -Message: "You'll fail anyway/ Don't even try" -Impact: Paralysis, learned helplessness, procrastination" When I was very little I dreamed of death. And when I became a teenager I even gave a promise outloud to myself to commit suicide by the time I am 27. So my hamartic life script was - death. And even though consciously I was dreaming of a different life. I tried to bring change into my life many and many times, but eventually I would sabotage myself. Consciously I wanted to be happy and to have a very different life to what it always has been. But somehow I would made choices and end up in situations that would trigger desire for isolation and suicidal thoughts. I was saved from suicide in 2019. And since then I thought that I chose to go a different path and that my promise is not at play anymore. But turned out that I still was going down that path. But now I am aware of it and can make a different choice. I am holding onto that scenario by being in a relationship that I have right now. Being with this person gives the fuel and resources for me to keep going down my hamartic life script. Because by being with him I recieve evidence that I am unworthy of love, that I am too much and that my feelings and I don't matter. Which confirms my inner world and my reality. But my intuition is screaming that it is time to go. Most parts of me wanna go, but that little part of me that never got any love from parents can't let go. I really want to finally let go of my past and that hamartic life scenario. I am ready for a change. And to really start working on it with my psychotherapist. She is really good.

Part 11 I have no degree. I tried though. I really tried. I enrolled in 3 different university programs over the course of 5 years. When I was 18 i went for a "Tourism management" program. But i missed at least 80% of classes, because of endless flashbacks, depression, and because it was the time when I was gonna commit suicide. I dropped out after a first year there. Went back to Omsk. I was going to take a year to prepare for entrance exams. Tried to study during that year but couldn't again because of depressive episodes. Although that was the time when my intuition started telling me that for some reason I need to learn English language. I couldn't make myself do exercises to learn English, but i could watch the series called "Friends". I would watch it with double subtitles. I couldn't understand anything. I would read russian subtitles while watching it. I would go to sleep and turn on the series in the background. I would wake up and turn it on again. I would finish all 10 seasons and I would start all over again right away. I couldn't make myself study for exams. But I could watch "Friends" in english again and again. Because i felt that I need to know English. I spent the year doing that. 3 months prior to exams I met someone online. He didn't speak russian. He was fluent in english though. It felt like I knew that guy for eternity, we had such great connection and I've developed a crush on him. We would text everyday. I would use google translator. And English language somehow started to learn by itself, without me doing any exercises. Just through chatting. When I was 20 I went for "Advertising management" program. Missed again at least 80% of classes. Because of flashbacks, depressive episodes, inability to focus, to study. I was physically hurting myself at the time and constantly was in dissociation or "fight or flight" state. Dropped out again. When I was 21 I went for "Translation and translation studies" program. The main subject was English and as second language I chose Spanish.I love how it sounds. Spent there a year and a half. Missed again at least 80% of classes because of the same reason. I really wanted to learn this time because I wanted to know spanish. I really really wanted, but I couldn't. Also that year met a guy. Got into a relationship with him and he turned out to be a covert narcissist. Spent with him a year and a half. But thanks to getting in a relationship with him, i started to read about narcissism. And that's how I was able to recognise that I was raised by a narcissistic mother. And thanks to all of that I was able to realize that my whole identity was a people-pleasing mask that i created when I was still a toddler. That was a painful realization. I dropped out of uni again. Broke up with that guy. It was really hard though for me because of my codependency issues and narcissistic trauma from childhood. The only reason I was able to get out was because he started to treat me really badly the longer we were together. And because he cheated on me. I was grateful he cheated on me because i could finally break up with him. Also after breaking up with him I was able to consciously meet my shadow side for the first time in my life. It was a great experience in my opinion. Because for a moment I could greet the darker side of me. I accepted it and talked to it for the first time and even though it was just for a moment. But it kinda turned into an interesting kinda mystical experience for me. Honestly, every time I was in Uni it just felt so wrong for me. I went there just because my mother and my brother wanted me to. It felt like every time of me being there, was me walking of my own path and heading toward a dead end. I was almost 23 when I dropped out for the last time. I was living in a Uni dorm at the time and wanted to get a job before the dorm knows I am not a student anymore and i get kicked out. I was scared to get a job(because of my trauma and my fear of people). But I had no choice. I had a very strong intuition to find a job as a barista. I didn't know why. The intuition was super strong. Telling me this is where I need to go next. I found a position. Went for an interview. And was taken right away. Even though they had multiple interviews with multiple people, I was taken right away without it. It was the first place of work where I was being treated as a human being. In previous places people in management could pull me into office by my hair and treat me however they wanted to. I think the founder of the chain of these exact coffee shops is somewhere in stage green of spiral dynamics. They have a whole system that cares about their employees. At the branch where I got hired, the manager was very nice and much more emotionally intelligent than any men i've ever met before. There also worked a guy who was quite agressive. Who would brake and throw things at the smallest inconvenience. He would trigger panick attacks in me during the work all the time. And besides that I was constantly having flashbacks and would cry a lot at work. My boss was a very nice man. And he said that either he can talk with someone at the top and ask them to pay for a psycotherapist for me or he can pay out of his own pocket and I can repay him with the time, little by little as I work there. He talked to people at the top. And they told me I can choose a therapist I like and i can have 8 sessions. Intuitively I was drawn to a therapist with a highest paycheck. It would take me at least 4 days of work to pay for just 50 minutes of that therapist. I wouldn't be able to pay her by myself. As soon as the therapist was found for me, It happened in the first 3 weeks of my work there, the agressive guy was gone. She helped me a lot with flashbacks. The method she used was EMDR(Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing). I worked with her for about a month and a half. At that time I also met an American guy online. He was a religious guy to the core of his being. And also he was 22 years older than me(which for me was weird). I was cringing a lot from the religious side of him and our age difference. But i gave it a chance anyway.Broke up with him after 10 months. Lesson learned. Never dating a religious man again. I was almost 24 when I noticed that our regular customer has set his eye on me. Also I worked there for a year already. And also my intuition was telling me that this chapter is coming to an end and it's time to make a new choice. And to leave the place where I worked. We started dating and he asked me to move in with him a week into a relationship. I was hesitating but moved in anyway. 2 months into a relationship he suggested me to leave my workplace and to take a break for 6-12 months. And do or learn what I would like to for these 6 to 12 months. Since I was 19 I have been wanting to learn 3D(I remember being 19 and thinking that I am already too old for that..which in retrospective is so so stupid). 5 years went by and the desire to learn 3D and create art didn't go anywhere. I started to watch blender tutorials on youtube. I was very excited about it. The more tutorials I would watch the more I would realise how much directions there is in 3D and how much there is to learn. There were so many videos on different things like: Modelling, Lighting, Shading and Texturing, UV wrapping, Geo Nodes and so on. I got frustrated because I didn't know where to direct my focus. And also I felt rushed because my boyfriend said I can have 6-12 months, and I don't think like I will be able to start making money from 3d in just 6-12 months. I tried to learn 3d for 4 months. And stopped for now because It just doesn't feel right. That this is what I should do at the moment. Feels like I should focus on something else. And I know what it is. Also as we started dating, I still was suffering and also I didn't speak much. Almost didn't speak at all, so my boyfriend suggested he would pay for a psychotherapist. I dunno what I would do without him and the psychotherapist. I found a new psychotherapist that lives in my city. The woman who was teaching psychology at the last uni program saw me in the class, analysed my drawing and told me that i really need to go through therapy and she gave me a contact of a woman she knew who was a psychotherapist. And honestly, it feels like we were meant to cross our paths. I go to her once a month, I would go more frequently if i had money. It's been 10 months since I've met her. And we had only 10 sessions. She has 15 years of experience and I think she is great.

Thank you guys

I once met a 44 year old man. He said he worked his ass off to develop his psychic abilities. After having a video call with him he said he could see right away that i possessed many of those abilities. He suggested to do a little exercise with him and to try and tap into my abilities consciously. He suggested for me to try tap into his consciousness. Considering my background, usually i reside in a low mood, dissociated, c-ptsd low consciousness state. He asked me to tap into his consciousness. Even though i have never consciously done it before and had no idea how to do it i still tried. And my state shifted. I became happier, my consciousness increased, i got more focused and felt more awake(not sleepy). And recently i also was able to feel how the plant on the windowsill was feeling. And also i get random increases in consciousness sometimes, rarely. Like they get channeled through me. And now i am wondering: Is it possible to channel enlightenment? Like is it possible to channel enlightened consciousness, to allow it to move through you just as plant consciousness or another spirit? Does anyone heard anything about it?

Part 10 I Like it when it happens. When I get random tiny rises in consciousness. It's as if Reality itself reaches out a hand to me and says "Here is a little present for you!". About 2 months ago I was just washing the dishes. I was in my usual, automatic, low-consciousness state. But suddenly, out of nowhere, it hit me like a ton of bricks. And I realised how fucking perfect was the present moment. Of just me washing the dishes. It was so perfect that i started to cry. I cried and cried and cried. It was so overwhelmingly perfect that it became emotionally painful. It was so perfect that it felt like my heart was being ripped to pieces.

@Jannes true. It was like that for me. I was denying my direct experiences for years. But it started to happen so much that i couldn't deny it anymore and it became a part of my reality now Forgot to get your previous post in quotes. "But if you hold onto an wrong paradigm you can interpretate direct experience away. Like you can feel something to be true in your direct expeirence but then dont trust it, "nah this cant be right, its not possible". This is what i was replying to.

Part 9 I had other psychic experiences before, but plant communication definitely was a new one! Here are some other interesting experiences i had: I was around 8-9. And i was dreaming of a weird scene. That didn't really felt like a dream. I was seeing this scene a lot when i was a child. And i couldn't understand what it is and why i am seeing it. I just knew that it wasn't just a dream. 15 years later i was able to find it on the internet. Turned out it was a scene from a movie "Le voyage Dans la Lun" (1902). I have never seen that movie before. At least in this lifetime. You can see the scene below. I will leave pictures. I was 11. I was with my cousin and we decided to play a game. She had to think of a fruit and i had to guess it. I looked into her eyes as she was trying to come up with a fruit. And as soon as she would think of it, I would see the fruit appear in both of her eyes. That's how i was able to win and guess everything. -Clairaudience: When I was 20. I realized i can hear spirits. They can wake me up during the night to give me some kind of information or message. Once, when I was 22 and living in the dorm. I was woken up by spirit at 4 am. And they said "Fire alarm will go off in 2 minutes." And it did. Sometimes they tell me phrases or just words of things i could research about. Like history figures, deities or places. They can warn me about something or guide me. Especially i hear my spirit guide all the time. A very loving energy that has feminine presence. She always supports me and guides me. My ego would never generate thoughts, like the ones she sents me. My spirit guide has a different energy to my ego. They even tell me when someome is a psycopath or anything like that. When i was having a random astral projection, she was behind the scene telling me what to do. I heard scary entity being in a different room and got very agitated and scared, not knowing what to do and stumbling from one corner to another. From her perspective it was funny that i am scared. She would laugh at me while i was consumed by terror. But she has a very loving energy. Also I can hear sometimes sounds. I once woke up after a nap and heard shamanic sounds and dramming in my room. although i like that i can hear my spirit guides, but sometimes demonic entities can come through. And it scares the shit out of me. I don't know anything about it. So it terrifies me. I don't know what they need or want from me. Usually i can feel them around in the room also when they come through. The terror paralyzes me and i am afraid to move around the house when that happens. - Clairvoyance Sometimes I can see people's thoughts. Once when i had a job interview I could see what my future boss was thinking about. Usually people had to go through multiple interviews with multiple people in management to get the job. But i was taken right away. No wonder why.. considering what he was thinking about, lol. Sometimes, rarely, i see sacred geometry in front of my eyes. Sometimes, when I close my eyes i see art/design I could do in the futue. I love what I see, but I don't yet have skills to make it. I am afraid i won't remember in the future what I saw. Sometimes I see flashes of future events that will happen in my life. Sometimes i see deja vus and i can predict 5 next seconds of them. I also can see scary entities that sometimes appear in my house and that also scares the shit out of me. I am scared of them. And i dunno what to do about it. - Clairsentience I feel spirits and beings around. I feel people's emotions and sometimes it is hard to discern if they are mine or someone else's. I can feel people's energies and sometimes their intentions. Recently i was able to feel the energy of the food on my plate. It was piece of meat in particular. And it had such a low and negative energy. As I was bringing the fork towards my face, I could feel the energy of my body trying to push away the energy of the meat. This is also the reason why i am trying to avoid places with people and different kinds of gatherings of people. Because so many different energies can give me anxiety attack or make me super puper exhausted. I dunno yet how to protect my own energy and not to blend in with someone else's energy. If they are depressed, I will become depressed and so on. - Claircognizance Very helpful when meeting new people, or in knowing what is right or wrong for me on my path. Once, I was able to feel that my friend's grandpa died at the day when he died. My friend lives more than 12 000 km away from me. I wanted to reach out and ask my friend if he was okay but i didn't trust myself yet at the time. -Telepathy I think it is not the strongest one, but the more aware I am of my abilities, the more stronger they become. -Mediumship People who passed on in my life come to me in dreams. I once almost missed my friend's funeral and he came to wake me up. I had a friend. Once he was doing lsd with someone else. But he wasn't in a good place during that time of his life. He was depressed and suicidal. And with one of his friends he took a lot of lsd. And something scared him. And he went off the rails. He tried to jump of the balcony. But his other friend tried to stop him. They were physically struggling. The one who tried to jump of the balcony was weaker than the other. But he became very strong that night. let's call the one, who tried to jump Bellamy. And the one who was trying to stop him Drake. Drake managed to drag him out of the apartment, so he would be away from the balcony. Drake went around the building, knocking on people's doors to ask for help. It was around 4 am in the morning. He needed more physical help from men. And while he was looking for help. Someone came up to him and said that Bellamy is outside on the street. Drake was relieved thinking that Bellamy used the stairs or elevator to go down to get some fresh air. He was relieved because he thought that Bellamy is finally safe and Drake doesn't need to ask for help anymore. But turned out that Bellamy found the balcony that was outside the apartment. And jumped off the balcony.From 10th floor. Drake rashed outside, it was around -20/-30 celcius otside. Drake took off his coat and put it on Bellamy in hope to help him to get warm a little. He died within 2 hours. Anyway. A day before his funerals I was alone at home. I was afraid to sleep because I was feeling someone's presence. So i left lights on everywhere. The funerals were supposed to be outside the city. And only on a particular schedule some buses would go to the village where funerals were supposed to be. Closer to 7 am i have fallen asleep without any alarms set. Funerals were at 13:00. And the bus was supposed to go to the village at 12:20. i remember how Bellamy connected to me through the dream.We talked a little.He showed me the cemetery and told me he will be with us. Flying above our heads and that he will be by our sides. After he said that he knocked down the curtain rod of the wall, which had been hanging there for years and had never fallen before. The loud noise woke me up. I looked at the time and it was already 12:10. just enough time to get the taxi and go to the bus stop. Thanks to him i managed to get to his own funerals and not to miss them. -Premonition About 6 months ago my grandma came to visit us with bro from a different city. She came for couple of days. She looked totally fine. She was like 70 years old. And she was travelling between the cities all by herself. But suddenly i had a feeling :"Oh, i think this is her last year". She left and in like 3-4 months after that my bro texted me. Telling me that doctors found cancer. After that I had a dream with her spirit guide. I knew it was hers because mine has different energy. Her spirit guide said "Her trip to earth and human life is coming to an end. She is departuring soon. She is going home." and 2 months after the dream. Just 2 weeks ago she passed away. And she also visited me. But not while I was sleeping. While I was doing something on my phone. She showed her face and she was very happy - Psychometry I can feel sometimes energy of objects. Oh, also my body can communicate with me through my dreams. Lately, it has been showing a lot of dreams with liver flukes. I guess it is something i need to take care of. And it also once showed me vitamin deficiencies i have through a dream. And today i dreamt of Maca powder. Someone gave me a recipe and told me it is for my health. They told me i need to take Maca powder. I have never consciously worked on these abilities. And only this year i was finally able to fully accept that I have them. I think as I heal myself. As I change my highly processed food diet. Quit my addiction to sugar and social media addiction. I will be able to feel and see more. I think my psychic abilities are very underdeveloped since i never worked on their development and this is something i wanna do now.(Also, my pupils are almost always of different sizes. Left pupil is always bigger than the right one. I think this is somehow connected to my psychic abilities.) But at first I need to become a functional person. To learn how to take care of myself financially, take care of my health and diet. And after I get some regime installed in my life, then I can work on it.