Eternity

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Everything posted by Eternity

  1. @Emerald It sounds like he's too young to go to bars or drink. But he won't confirm or comment on age which makes it pretty hard to give good advise. @Vivaldo First of all, my husband and I tried what you are proposing and it wasn't a turn on for either of us. My husband gagged lol. I suggest you familiarize yourself with female anatomy by exploring with your hands first. If a female finds you to be a turn on in the first place, she'll let you go pretty far with that but don't try the big moves on her unless she is pushing for it. You'll get there soon enough and you may not even like it. And just a warning, I'm not sure why you would want to even put your junk in her mouth. If she realizes she isn't into it , women have teeth don't forget and they can use them, then you won't have to worry about being a virgin anymore. So start slowly. Ask. Chat her up, be complimentary. Ask her about herself, don't just talk about yourself or your boring hobby of stamp collecting. Keep thing on a light note, but work your way closer to her. Give her some light touches as often as you can. Make physical contact in a subtle way. Women need some physical touches and not anywhere like her butt or breasts at first. Make an excuse to get an arm around her, like ask if she's cold would she like you to warm her up *wink wink.. Women are sensative around the neck and feeling a man's warm breath on her neck and mouth along with a firm hand guiding her is a turn on.I don't mean forcing he r, just use a gentle hand to guide her head and lips closer. Use your tongue on her lips and mouth but don't be sloppy. That is simulated sex. Talk suggestively if you get the vibe she's into you. I don't mean make dirty jokes. I mean tell her she is a very attractive woman, point out what you find attractive but don't use primitive disrespectful language and don't use lines. Don't use words like "ass" or "tits". That won't win you points. As you name off her facial attractions, if you are already speaking softly in her ear you can give her little kisses (not loud and not sloppy) on each spot. I broke up with a guy once because he was a sloppy kisser. When she turns her head to you, draws closer and seems focused on your lips, she is waiting for a kiss. Don't do it close mouthed, blech. Part her lips gently with the tip of your tongue and feel her mouth and tongue. Don't just press. Invade her mouth like you wish you could do to her pussy. By this time she'll be getting hot for you, if she doesn't throw you off. If that happens, apologize and back up again. But if she's game and your'e in a private spot, you have permission to move down to her breasts with your hands and start kissing little kisses down her neck right to the top of her breasts. Murmur things about her beautiful breasts. If she's supper hot, she may take off her top or start undressing you. This is when you need a very private spot. Just go with it. Copy what she's doing Help her undress if that's what she's doing but no rushing. Try to make the mood last. Don't worry,by the time you are naked, being naked won't even cross your mind. But women are not like microwaves. You cannot just push a few buttons, wait one minute for her to be hot. Women are more like the electric burners on a stove. It takes some time to heat up. So don't rush. Ask if she's okay, or if she really wants to go further. No matter what some man on a dating advice site tells you, if she says no, then no means no. Period. There is no fooling around on this one. Some dating websites tell you she's just playing games. Well, she may push away not really meaning it, but when she says no, then you need to back the "f"off and ask what's wrong. It may take effort when you've got your genitals working against you, but if you don't want to get her pregnant or worse, have her tell a friend or someone who encourages her to charge rape, then never force it. Read this book: https://www.amazon.com/Joy-Sex-Ultimate-Revised-ebook/dp/B00AP2VEA8/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1631783374&sr=1-7 It comes with illustrations and so much information, I can't begin to tell you. There are all kinds of tips on fastest way to turn a woman on; the most important parts of a woman's vagina and which parts to stimulate and how. It gives you step by step instructions for the best sex when you get to that point. It gives you positions with illustrations on how to get the reaction you want out of them.
  2. @peanutspathtotruth Resistance is a major reason in our imaginary world for suffering. If we resist it, it appears to persist. This is why, I know little about it, buddhism places emphasis on not resisting, Catholicism and other main religions place importance on suffering and accepting. In Christianity, Christ taught to not resist attacks with counter attack because you only prolong your suffering; he also taught not to judge (he is not quoted as saying not to judge others, but judging at all) because judging makes us ultimately unhappy and comes back to haunt us. This is a rule to live by and so religions which are also creations of God , teach us this path to inner peace. Also, suffering, appears to be one of the best motivators there is to make us devote ourselves to spiritual growth, to grow out of our usual stupor and torpor to thirst for spiritual awakening.
  3. I'm pretty sure that ivermectin is probably effective for worms in horses and I can see using it as a curative for humans who are infected by these worms especially in countries with fewer cheap meds and people who don't have other affordable curatives. Worms! I said, not Covid. If anyone here has medical knowledge, how does a worm medication have an effect on a virus exactly? If I'm sick with any virus, I don't go running to my dr. for a deworming med. If I had worms then I might give it a try. I just don't see the connection between treating a virus even though a new virus and how a dewormer would have any effect. Somebody show me some double blind studies that unequivocally show that this dewormer works on covid. Then there is the argument that big pharma is behind all this. Big pharma is invested in many other things besides pharma and bringing down the world's economies by starting a pandemic, thereby losing their investment profits and bankrupting their investments in other products doesn't make any sense to me. Very short sighted thinking. If this is the way they want to assist some shadow organization, it's a very poor plan. Same thing with some sort of deep state. Long term, how does wiping out a large part of the population of every country in the world benefit some shadow gov't? No one is going to get rich from that and it's all about money and power. So if you wipe out all your constituents who will be left to bow at the feet of the deep state leaders? Kind of a self defeating tactic. This idea has been around for decades and yet nothing has ever come of it. We had the early 1900's flu pandemic that wiped out a significant part of populations all over the world. And yet, no one stepped forward to arrange to divvy up who was left over. Why was that? That would have been the opportunity supposedly "they" would have been waiting for. Again, that one is just grabbing at straws. The world has had plague after plague and I don't think some shadow organization that included Hillary or Bill Gates had anything to do with those. So who or what was it back then? Picking up a history book and tracing these plagues back generally tends to point in the direction of not enough sanitation back in those times, and the proliferation of rats. Maybe it's some super smart rats that were breeding back then?
  4. I found that vid to be incredibly funny. When asked for evidence the caller had nothing, didn't know what he was looking at, didn't know how to compare apples to apples and not apples to oranges. He quoted the book, "1981" which I also read but is a work of fiction. And that's what he's using as his underlying thesis. "1981" is a scary story, but you could just as well take a 1950 science fiction movie as some kind of prophecy. But there was one good lesson in the video by whoever the host of the program was and that was how to engage these people when they come at you with their conspiracy theory. He didn't just outright slam the guy. He asked serious questions, suggested they look things up together, generally gave the other guy plenty of opportunity to show his "proof." And as they continued the other guy started to drop his defenses. The host only planted some seeds of doubt, but didn't dismiss the other guy outright until the very end when the other guy wanted to advertise himself. I thought that was smart on the host's part. In the end though you can't reason with unreasonable people and when you think about it, the anti-vaxxer crowd are all signing their own death warrants. So they will become a smaller group to deal with as we go along and I wish them all good luck with their endeavor if that is their choice of how they wish to go.
  5. Once you already have it, it's too late t to get the covid vaxx. You have to wait until after you're recovered. But Ivermectin can have fatal side effects. Wouldn't add to the load on his ailing body from mixing horse de-wormer into it if I was him,
  6. @Vladimir Death is not real. If you are a materialist, that statement will sound crazy. Long ago I would have said what you are saying. But you still have consciousness even though to others you may appear lifeless. All that we term as death is just consciousness having switched to another story, but consciousness still carries on. There is no hell, satan, or separation from the divine consciousness. We cannot be separated from who we are. We are representations of Life and Life is who and what we are. Nothing can change Life to the absence of life (called death), as life is unchangeable except we ourselves choose to change. As Life is Love, there is no capability for creation of destructive forces. The world that now appears is only an imaginary phenomenon.
  7. @blessedlion1993 Ken Wilber is ill. He has a chronic disease,. Perhaps at times he's not able to function fully, even though he's brilliant.
  8. Wow, it seems so odd to me to read posts where guys are putting so much study and effort into the whole dating thing. It sounds so desperate. I'm not gonna get into statistics. If that's your groove go ahead and look, but you better not post about it. There are ways that these studies can be slanted one way or the other and that the researcher can be prejudiced without realizing it. Maybe it's because I'm married but I just have no interest in looking up stats and I wouldn't base my behavior in social situations on them. You have to put yourself into situations you may not be comfortable with, but you can't become a tennis star by reading a book, you have to do actual hands on practicing. Why don't you look up a list of famous stars who were real womanizers and also short. There were and are some hollywood actors who were quite short and still women were after them like white on rice. I just binge watched a dutch made t.v. series where the lead barely came up to the top of his female counterpart's head and yet he was soooo hot. I can't tell you how he managed to portray so much sex appeal but I was wishing I could speak dutch and lived in Holland (only a day dream, I lived in Germany several years close to the Dutch border so buzzing over there on a day trip was no big deal, but...I didn't care for the people all that much. Besides I'm married.) Anyways, this actor probably started off as just a regular dude, but he's had acting lessons, so he can exude sexiness at the drop of a hat . In fact all actors, at least the good ones can do the same. Who knows. Acting is a skill, so it can be learned. You could do some online courses and learn it. All you're doing when you go out looking for a girl is acting a part. You don't need much, or to change your natural features if you can act the role you want to and you know how. Go for it!
  9. @Preety_India i did do what someone here suggested and it worked. There was this guy back in my past who took a fancy to me, but even though he was nice enough I just couldn't get past a common birth defect he had around his mouth. It had been corrected, but it still made me uncomfortable to kiss him. I couldn't see how I could marry him and be attracted enough to have sex with him. And otoh, he was pushing and pushing to make out which I couldn't stand. So I thought about it and decided to make myself unattractive as I could to him. I did nothing physical, but I adopted a very annoying personality when we went out, so that he would get fed up and stop calling. I remember the last date when I began playing with the buttons on the sound in his car. We were driving somewhere and I turned the music way up and changed the station, he turned it back down and I turned it back up to ear shattering. I continued to be a brat and when he brought me home, he couldn't wait to get rid of me which was exactly what I wanted. He didn't call me back again either which suited me just fine. I gave him the option to drop me which was less damaging to his pride and I got what I wanted as well. You could try to do something similar that fits into your culture. Since your parents are strict, behave yourself when they are in close range, but if they leave you alone with this chosen one, become annoying, make snide comments, be disagreeable. It might work. It did for me.
  10. I just watched some videos on youtube about families having to split up because one member has gone down the rabbit holey of conspiracy theories and is a fanatic. You cannot reason with these people once they are convinced the conspiracy is true. Over here in the U.S. the biggest conspiracy is that the world is being run by a shadow government that works in secret with many politicians involved and that they run a paedophile ring that cannibalizes babies. It's all completely crazy and rational people don't believe such nonsense. But it is helpful to watch some of the videos on youtube made by people who have had an awakening that these theories were just crazy and they gave that craziness up. There are also vids of families who had to cut contact with their family members and some by psychologists who specialize in deprogramming conspiracy theory believers. I believe you will not convince your mother to see things your way, unless she comes to her senses on her own. Arguing doesn't work. I think you should tell her that no matter what, you love her, but you are still going to follow your dream in the U.K. Even if she tells you not to ever come back, she will probably wake up to the manipulation she has been victim of, and you will reunite one day. She has some paranoia that made her believe these conspiracies are real. But there are people who recover and go back to normal behavior. Things will all work out, you'll see.
  11. @EugeneTheSage Is there any way you could take a job as a tour guide in Germany or become a part time English or German instructor? Those are not usually long term careers. They pay just enough to maybe rent a room and buy your food while you work on your 3D development career. I'm pretty sure you can find a guru somewhere around who does satsang where you can meet others of the same spiritual level. You may not find everything all in one place, but if you compromise a bit, you probably can piece together the things you're looking for.
  12. @BipolarGrowth When referring to non-duality we are forced to speak on two levels. Our language requires terms that refer to the delusion we currently appear to be living in. Non-duality requires entirely different terminology. There is no language specifically to explain what it is. Mostly we can only describe what the delusion is not. "Netti netti." That is why it appears to be just all dualistic terminology. As you listen to lectures or read up on it, you will have to distinguish which level is being spoken of, the dualistic or non-dualistic. And the terms will switch back and forth from one sentence to another. This is tantamount to learning a new language without a glossary, or dictionary or curriculum for learning it. It can't be learned over night no matter what you try. Even Eckartd Tolle who went through his experience in an instant did not try to express any concepts for years until he had studied ACIM, Buddhism and Advaita to learn the most helpful terms so that he could express it.
  13. @roopepa The most difficult part of ACIM to wrap my head around was the concept of guilt. But I think it best not to spend too much time focusing on analyzing what you don't really understand. Analyzing is a function of the monkey mind and keeps you distracted from the main message. My conclusion about all the references to guilt is that the woman who channeled and wrote down what she was told to write and authored ACIM was a psychologist and most psychology included the teaching of Freud and Freud often used the concept of guilt in his teaching. So as this woman was taking dictation some of Freud's teachings such as guilt was the closest she could come to explaining the idea of how the "separation" apparently made it's appearance inside a fictional, delusional world view. To a mind convinced that it has trespassed against the greatest most powerful being in the universe it would most likely be a great cause for terror and feelings of guilt. And that would occasion more guilt and thoughts of having to hide from what you've done, which in one instant could create in the frightened mind an entire universe appearing to be real based on fear and foreboding. This is as far as I've gotten with the concept of guilt, but I have not spent all my time trying to analyze it. On occasion it drifts into my mind and something rings a bell and then the thought drifts out again. Understanding every nut and bolt of this or that concept is attachment to concepts and will slow you down. Just let it pass like a fish passing by in a stream.. Eventually the puzzle pieces will fall into place and the complete picture will be visible.
  14. I think the media is almost forced to make things up because no one hardly ever gets in to N. Korea and that includes media. And it's rare if any journalist is allowed in to take pictures. They are accompanied at all times by officials who will only allow them into certain places and they make sure that pictures are posed showing what the N. Koreans want to show. So reporting any true facts is nearly impossible.
  15. @lmfao Agreed. All you will ever get is advice from yourSELF. There is nothing but that. You are your own guru, your own teacher. @nuwu All you will ever get is advice from yourSELF. But your guru or master (you in disguise) will appear to you through many voices and reminders, something someone says, or you read or a picture or a place. Your inner voice speaks to you constantly, but most of us a.re too distracted to listen. I trust my inner voice to tell me my next step on the pathway. You and we all are in a deep sleep and we think our dream is reality. What we think we need in this "reality" is just as unreal as our night time dreams. We hear the voice of enlightenment and sometimes as we wake for a moment we see reality but the monkey mind or ego (also known as the personality) soon closes in again and we are back to sleep. The universe or God as some label it is LOVE and we are all joined together as One in comprising the spirit of Love. That is why we can trust in this power to benefit us and not fail us. What you want is one big glorious moment of enlightenment where all your questions are answered. Once in a great while someone has a big enlightenment experience like that, but it is uncommon and usually they have no idea how or why it happened. The rest of us are guided by our inner voice, but if we don't feel that inner voice giving guidance or we just are too busy to listen, we appear to be lost until we finally submit to what the inner guidance tells us. Really what I get from your questions is that you long for inner peace and reassurance. I had the same doubts and struggles for many years when I was younger. I now have a sense of peace and trust and it did not come from analyzing all those things you wanted to know. It wasn't super fast or an instant moment of complete enlightenment. I had begun to hear about a book called "A Course in Miracles" from the Foundation for Inner Peace. It is translated now into many languages. At first, I resisted learning more about it. I thought it was some crazy new religious course or something and my experience with religion had ended badly a few years before. So I was not really cool with reading it. But weirdly, I kept hearing about it from different places (this is sometimes how your inner voice is giving you guidance). But still I did not think I wanted to read it. Finally after Oprah did a show on it, I thought to myself "ok, ok, I give up. I'll read it." It's not an easy book to start on. It does turn your thinking upside down in some cases. At the beginning it's just an explanation about our dream reality and why the world seems to be what it is. It is not like a story, it starts more like a textbook, and some of the wording seemed odd so that I had to read a paragraph several times before I could understand. It was like a new language almost. Not the easiest way to start. As I got past the beginning it was more understandable and closer to reading haiku poetry. The statements and ideas became pleasanter to my mind. There are Christian references, usually short, to illustrate what the Christian bible actually meant in parts even though it has been retranslated so many times. As I came to see what these other interpretations meant I found that it answered questions I had not even known I was struggling with. One thing I was frightened of was the idea that if I reincarnated, I might have to experience the torture Jesus went through. But ACIM (short for "A Course in Miracles") answered that and took all my fear away along with many other fears I had. There are free copies of earlier versions available if you do a search. I prefer my older version because to my mind it speaks like poetry and poetry is filled with LOVE which is why it is called lovely. It speaks to my heart and not my head. So many bad habits (like over analyzing and having a short temper and all kinds of fears) just disappeared as I was reading this book. It does not try to convince of any religion, just LOVE. I read this book for 5 years because I always found it cleared my pathway and gave me instant peace anyplace I read in the book. There is a section at the back for students which only requires reading a few paragraphs or meditating on one idea throughout the day. There are 365 lessons like this, but the time you take to read and think about the concepts is entirely up to you. It also explains, that everyone will eventually take the course (participate in its wisdom) but the time you take it in is entirely optional. If you find it, I urge you to download it and try to read it. Try not to analyze. Just read the words and take what you can from it and try to make it to the end. If by the end you didn't find it helpful just let your mind return to what you feel is natural and put it aside. It has a way of creating an opening in your mind for your teacher and that is all that is needed to hear or feel your inner voice. You do need some life experience to tackle all the big subjects you want to tackle as Leo said. That is why you appear to find so much focusing on how it all logically fits together tiring and unsuccessful. As you go through life, your experiences will fall into place like puzzle pieces. Remember your teacher is yourSelf, not the ego self, but the SELF that is the supreme SELF. Quiet the mind as much as you can and don't let the ego distract you with finding certain answers. You and all who are wandering around seeking are allowing the monkey mind to lead. A quiet mind is all you need. Otherwise, there is nothing you (the egoic monkey mind) need do nor should it do but rest in the assurance all is well.
  16. Sometimes I feel like we are the blind following the blind here. Allegory is sometimes the easiest way to illustrate a complicated subject. Suppose you own a nice home. It's well built and visually pleasing, worth quite a bit of money. But it attracts attention, especially from the kind of people who would like to break in and steal the valuables inside. One day, a stranger who feels it's his right to break in and take what he wants simply because it's there and he wants it, speaks to the owner, and does his best to convince the owner, that he, the stranger, would be a better owner of the valuables than the owner is and to please just give him, the stranger, the keys. The owner politely turns the stranger down since as owner, he has bought and paid for the ownership and he enjoys living there. This infuriates the stranger who believes the owner should not have rejected him. The stranger returns to the same house that very night and breaks into the house, taking as many valuables as he can, including a coin collection worth millions and runs off with them. Was the homeowner being selfish when he refused to turn his house keys over to the stranger because, he felt he'd paid for the home and had the title (i.e. certificate of ownership) and he cherished the home and valuables and had no interest in giving all that away for free? Or was he simply respecting his home and property and being a responsible owner? Whose right was it to claim ownership of the home, the real owner who paid for it, or the dishonest stranger who felt he should just take ownership without offering fair payment? We have a term for people like the envious stranger bent on taking someone else's property. It's called robber and what he did is called robbery. There is one other term when it comes to stealing another persons sexual property, and that word is rapist. There are numerous websites that give instructions for getting another person's sexual property, their body. These are referred to as Pick Up Artist advice. Both of these acts are illegal and if you are caught you can be rightfully charged and put in jail. If you wouldn't rob another of their property, then consider carefully what you are doing before doing it especially when it comes to who can rightfully refuse to give their body away under duress.
  17. @spinderella Get a copy of Howard Storm's book, "My Descent into Death." It's been around for a while and is his personal account of his near death experience. It's not a long book and there is a section that is so poignant, I weep whenever I read it. It is the moment that he is forgiven by God or Christ or whatever label you use, for all his past mistakes. The love that shines through that particular scene makes me weep and reminds me of how loved we are. That is the first time I felt real unconditional love for all things and all beings. Here is a link to the author's interview on you tube: Then I read "A Course in Miracles" and once you get past the beginning which seems somewhat dry and you begin to understand it, unconditional love shines through it and removes all feelings of lack of love. Just as an aside, I was always an analytical person but my greatest wish was to find love for everyone. "A Course in Miracles" speaks the language of love and forgiveness and seems to simply soak in without effort. If the text appears to be too difficult to start off with, there are short individual lessons or affirmations, one for each day of a year, but you are not required to go through them at that pace. I read the book over and over for five years because it was like a long cold drink of water to someone dying of thirst. It was my constant reminder of infinite love. There is a couple who are both very advanced through struggle and through their openness to hear the "still small voice inside" and have passed on their method to many seekers. Their names are Candace and DavidPaul Doyle and they have a website. They also do workshops using their method in person around the country. They only just started doing this when I first heard of them and they had an online workshop I participated in. They teach how to communicate with universal love in a very simple meditation. I do this now whenever I wish to have an answer, I listen to her exact words which put me into deep meditation and connection to love, and the answers I receive are either strong feelings or pictures which tell a story. I believe their website gives information about their method if you google their names.
  18. Cramping after masturbating is not really normal. My sister spent 20 years trying to find out what was wrong with her. She had gastro intestinal problems as well that were disrupting her ability to function. It got slowly worse over time so that she had pain with sex, and couldn't have sex with her husband even though her sex drive was still there, but when you have pain with sex, that becomes an issue for you. She got very bloated with her periods. Every gyno she saw brushed it all off as just part of being female. Now I'm not a doctor so I'm not trying to diagnose you and I don't want to scare you, this is not fatal and it's not the big "C". But it just reminded me what my sister went through. Even good gynocologists rarely even bring this up because the only way to diagnose it is to have surgery, but a specialist is more likely to know to some degree if you have symptoms. It's called endometriosis. There are very few specialists in the world because it is hard to diagnose. My sister is relieved that the specialist finally found it and did robotic laproscopic surgery, but she is very angry that other gynos she saw didn't mention anything and she suffered needlessly. She even tried holistic doctors. It has vague symptoms and actually once it starts in the abdomen, it can spread to any organ in the body including the heart. Here is a link for a page set up by a Practical Nurse who is in the field to inform women where to find help, and provides a support group, women who have had it and who their doctor was: https://www.facebook.com/hashtag/endoawarenessmonth
  19. @LastThursday This.
  20. Well here's another question. How do you convince the gullible Trump fans that he was not elected and is not president, Just saying it over and over is not working.
  21. I had a woman do this to me. I'd met her in an online game, so it wasn't like I'd met her in real. She was funny and we'd hang out cracking jokes. I liked her sense of humor. But then eventually she came out and asked me if I'd ever consider going lesbian. At first I was trying to be cool and laugh it off, but she wouldn't quit. She gave me all the usual reasons like she could give me more pleasure and all that b.s. So I finally told her she was a nice person and funny as hell, but that sexy play was never ever going to happen, and just take my word for it. So after that she just disappeared offline. Kinda a shame 'cause she was really funny. But I had a bff in high school who I didn't know was bi, until one night when we went camping together and she insisted we try girl on girl. I can't even tell you how uncomfortable and awkward that experiment was. I hated it. I'd been dreaming of having a bf and all of a sudden I was being molested by my bff. Blech Blech Blech. So I really meant it when I said to the online girl, it wasn't going to happen, ever, never, ever.
  22. @VeganAwake There are not separate Gods each with it's own intentions. All these negative experiences are part of the ego stories we buy into. They have never happened. These are only stories in the ego consciousness. The reality of all appearances in the universe are God in perfect order without creating havoc. The havoc is simply what ego perceives and then weaves stories about. We are all the collective conscicousness (the kingdom of heaven) and all One and only one with God/Source/Creator. But we are asleep and dreaming,, lost in the egoic mind. And during our dreaming we create stories just as in night time dreams. Ego convinces us what we see is reality, but it's not. When you actually awaken, the dreams are seen for what they are: the story of ego and just as unreal as our night time dreams. You will smile and shrug it all off just as you do after your human nightmares.
  23. @The0Self If you feel infinite Love, it is such a transformation that you know nothing and no one can threaten the existence of that state of mind. Love is ever eternal and non-destructable. Only in the ego's delusional mind, it seems as if Love is weak and feeble. But love is the fabric of the universe and cannot be destroyed.
  24. @Javfly33 Yes you can DM me anytime.
  25. If you believe your life to be insane and twisted, it will be. It is your inner beliefs that take the creative force of God/Source/Creator and use it in conjunction with your inner beliefs to create the life you have. You are co-creating with your ego and God. Ego will do whatever it takes to preserve it's delusional life. To that end, the ego/persona will rise up and use anything you hold in mind to create exactly that thing. If it's your story of having an insane twisted life that you are holding onto, then that will be what it seems to you. Remember life as we know it is ,only thoughts. Nothing comes into existence without a thought behind it. And every thought about what your life is like is always only another story ego has created to hinder or stand in the way of your progress. Stop believing the "story" of how miserable your life is, and reverse your story in your thinking. Insist on a better version of that story and you will have it. You can co-create using infinite Love as your basis or you can choose ego as your basis for your story. But using ego's beliefs will only end in tradgedy. Or it will end with you desperately trying to raise your consciousness above the ego's version because it's so painful. That is when pain becomes a blessing. It will drive you to save yourself from your own nightmare stories.