Podie45

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  1. This is a followup to this thread: I don't think I can hold on any longer. Living is painful. No therapist has been able to ''show me the light'', in fact they do not know what to say. No one does. It's to the point where the PSSD (Post-SSRI Sexual Dysfunction) community believes it is epigenetic changes and there is basically nothing to do really except temporary symptomatic relief. This situation is too painful to my mind. The combination of this, on top of HPPD and the mental damage caused by my experience with Depersonalization is far from being anywhere close to anything worth living (at least from my POV now). It's like I've been holding on & trying to avoid falling off the cliff but I'm running out of energy. What if I let go? (I'm not talking about suicide) I mean just accept this miserable situation. What would happen? Would it be healthy at all? (Keep in mind, the torture of being this way is not to be underestimated but I do understand there are people experiencing similar or worse situations right now). I've been trying to troubleshoot but it just seems like there is no substance that would trigger the demethylation / neurogenesis / repair etc. that I would need to be ''normal'' like most people.
  2. Hey man, I had bad depersonalization as well. I have a copy of the Depersonalization Manuall if you know what that is, and I guess I can recommend it. However, for me, I cured it with Wellbutrin. It's actually like an antidote... whenever I get a DP relapse it gets rid of it within days. I cannot guarantee that wellbutrin will work for you since my DP seems to come from hormonal issues instead of anxiety but it's a tool that you could consider. Better than the SSRIs you may be thinking about trying I'll tell you that.
  3. Youtube is the only thing that's keeping me addicted to the internet
  4. I'm dealing with a similar situation, except I do not care about the lack of social life. It's more like a subconscious torture and I'm not realizing how much better life could be. Honestly the only few friends I have made in a while were people that shared my interests, Like say you like really like fishing, hang out at your local fishing spots and people might ask you stuff like: ''Have you caught anything yet?'' ''Can I borrow one of your worms?'' ''It's a beautiful day for fishing today, isn't it?'' From there, start a conversation and turn it into something deeper. At least that's what I'd do if I had social skills
  5. I'm a big internet addict, and I plan a 1 week retreat on an island without service. Eating what I can catch / Drinking with I can filter and so on. I've recently become more interested in learning survival. This retreat will include meditation and deep self-reflection because I have a lot of trauma controlling my life.
  6. I really, really like fishing. It provides good food, it's peaceful (kind of like a meditation) and it gives me a reason to be outside and see some beautiful landscapes and have some fresh air. I've been thinking of getting into hunting as well. My only issue is that I always wonder if it is actually crual to be doing this. I can't stop thinking about how I'm killing a part of the universe (or myself) while doing this. I prevent a little creature from living for my own selfish reasons, if we see it that way. If anything, maybe I should go about putting it to sleep instantly.
  7. I have, it's pretty helpful in restoring some receptor sensitivity
  8. @Snuitje Well basically when I attempt to get out of my comfort zone theres always somebody that makes me feel like shit for even bothering them ''autistic fuck'', ''what the FUCK do you WANT'', ''ok''.
  9. @mandyjw Good idea, i had been thinking about making videos that come from the heart but i didnt know it could help in that sense.
  10. Of course, there are physical traits that I have that are not appealing to women (which makes it worse). But in general, I'd say I could probably find someone if it weren't for the social anxiety. And maybe my personality which only a handful of people in general appreciate (I will not and cannot pretend that I am not interested in enlightenment or some other interests only / and that I care about Supreme, rap music, smoking weed everyday, drinking etc. / only to get sex and a relationship I'm not happy with). The issue is, the words ''social'', ''public'' and such all make me cringe. It is hard wired deep inside of me that I want nothing to do with being social. I have tried countless times to push myself out of my comfort zone and it is not working out (there's always someone that ruins my progress anyway). I hate having to force myself to become something I'm not, and then on the other hand the torture of being alone (friendships & relationship wise) kills me. It's a tough spot that I've accepted. I feel like, and ''know'' I'm gonna die alone. No amount of medication, drugs or whatever is strong enough to kill the social anxiety. And no, alcohol does not work in this regard. The only instance where I can be talking to people IRL (and I mean in general, of course I know I have to force myself really hard when it comes to coworkers or something money/family related) is if they talk to me first. Then it is much easier. This is how I made 99% percent of the friends I have ever had. I have no clue how, one day, this issue could be fixed. Of course it comes from the ego and its fear of what they think of it / victim mode. I was raised that way, unfortunately. Does anyone have any suggestion? At this point I ran out of idea on how to beat this. Therapy does not work. Drugs didn't make a difference. Exposure doesn't work out. Is enlightenment the only way or am I fooling myself once again?
  11. I have idolized a fair amount of people in my life which ended up being people I shouldn't have idolized at all - or they straight up sucked / were deceiving / grew up to realize how shitty they were. How unhealthy is it to do this? Can it be constructive or is it always a curse? No matter how many times I end up being deceived, I just start idolizing someone else (It could be friends, family, public persona etc.) If this is truly a bad habit, how do I stop putting some people on a pedestal?
  12. Just felt like sharing. There's so much bullshit in this world, including my own bullshit. I got nobody to talk to, so this is my own little vent post. I got only one thing to say: FUCK
  13. @Aish I was taking it for Depersonalization. It was effexor 37.5mg for 2 weeks. It was a sudden loss. I was withdrawing from Risperidone. It worsened when I chewed Tobacco because of the MAOI Harman.
  14. @mandyjw Honestly, it would be Psychedelics, maybe Nature or Video edition, something like that.
  15. I spent the last few years dedicating money, and education on the job I was doing. I even moved to this city mostly to work at that particular job/company. Now I'm fired. It just seems like this isn't the right field for me, but I've wasted so much potential, time, and money on acquiring/keeping this job. I've tried different companies, and it didn't work out. Now I'm in this city, jobless, wondering what I could do now? Go back to school, move back with my parents... work minimum wage? Even if I did work minimum wage, what would that mean for my future? It would be a deadend job, of course, and I would have to be doing something productive while making minimum. Even then, most of my minimum wage opportunities are narrowed down because of fact that I'm far from socially skilled. I really doubt I have it in me to spend another decade in school for some 100K / year job. I'm not booksmart. I'm so confused, and at the same time I didn't want any of this. I didn't want to be forced into a society that values money. I would've been fine living a short, wild life as some animal I feel like. I've been trying freelancing, and it's not working out. Minimum wage jobs kill my spirit and make me hate my life, and they don't generate nearly enough revenue to be living here or making enough money to invest in trying to start a business, invest or any of that stuff. Even if it's not a minimum wage job, people find that I don't really do a good job. I'm really the best of a bad situation. All the jobs I've had I'm left feeling useless at the end of the day, dreading going back the next day. Often fired. I really don't know what to do, is there a light at the end of the tunnel I'm not seeing? Maybe a strategy? Accept my faith as a wage slave working minimum? Should I bite the bullet and do 10 more years of school?