soos_mite_ah

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Posts posted by soos_mite_ah

  2. Posted

    I'm currently with a guy who I love very much and am attracted to but he is not by "type." We have had a really solid and happy relationship so far for the last 3+ years. He's also the only person I have done anything sexual with. 

    But there is a part of me that wants to go out and have sex with my physical "type." This desire doesn't really affect out relationship. My partner and I have a healthy sex life and we communicate very openly. I personally feel like I have this itch that I need to scratch. 

    I guess a part of me feels like I just need to have sex with my "type" so that it gest demystified and I realize it's not all that it's cracked out to be. Maybe, I just need to get it out of my system? But also, another part of me worries that if I have sex with my "type" that I'm going to pigeon hole my attraction to this "type" and that's gonna fuck up my sex life with my partner. 

    What's been your experience with having sex with your type? Did it feel like ecstasy to where you didn't want to have sex with any other kind of person? Did it feel like something that was a nice bonus but it wasn't the end all be all when it comes to choosing to have sex with someone you like? Was it an itch that just needed to be scratched? 

  3. Posted

    7/5/2025 

    My screentime today was 5.5 hours. 

    Out of that 2 hours and 45 min were for Youtube, Maps was 2 hours, Instagram was 58 min, and Hexa Sort was 2 hours. 

    I was driving around quite a bit today. I wasn't using maps but it was just open. 

    I was also listening to a lot of music. I also watched a couple of videos regarding the bill that had passed. I also called a friend for 2 hours and face timed with her today. During the call and while I was watching my videos, I was playing Hexa Sort. 

    I wasn't on instagram at all today until this passed hour. I was just looking at memes tbh. 

    Thoughts on today: The time on Youtube is kind of inflated. As I'm typing this out, the amount of time I have been spending on fucking Hexa Sort is a little concerning. I think it's my manifestation of my tiny attention span where it's like when I'm watching a video or talking on the phone, I feel like I need to be doing something with my hands. It's very much giving Reddit stories with Subway Surfers in the background. 

    But overall, my screentime hasn't been too bad today. Something I have noticed is that my screentime is better on days when I have social stuff going on. Yesterday I was hanging out with my friend and her family for the 4th of July. Today, I went to the movies with my boyfriend and his family, and later at night, I called a different friend to talk to her about shit going on at work to spill the tea lol. 

  5. Posted

    Putting Life on a Pedestal

    I took notes on the concept of putting life on a pedestal in my previous post and I have since had some additional thoughts around it. Here is a recap from that post before I go into my additional thoughts: 

    On 6/28/2025 at 10:59 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

    They have big dreams but when they try to live life, they're severely disappointed because they put life on a pedestal and they cannot put up with drab, monotony, boredom, or just everyday life. They might have a vision of writing a book for example but when they sit down to do it, they cannot get through the actual, sometimes boring work of actually writing the book. 

    • I have written about this in a previous post about a year ago. I was going to post a quote from it but I think the whole post is about this very thing. So I'm just going to link it and also summarize some key points instead. Basically, I think I had a more simplistic understanding of life and the way things were going to turn out at 17, especially pre COVID based on my expectations of adulthood at the time. I felt like I could do anything given that I was at the top of my class, I was sociable, and I was creative. I had a bit of a grandiose attitude of what careers and adulthood was going to look like. And I guess at the time of writing this, there was a part of me that wished that I could return back to the naiveity from when I was 17 where I didn't know how deep systemic issues were, where I didn't know about COVID and how that was going to impact things going forward. 
    • I feel like my corporate job was good at taking this tendency out of me. Because I still need to show up and fulfill my responsibilities even if I'm feeling off physically, mentally, and emotionally. I'm still trying to find a good balance of pushing through vs taking a break but I do think that this job has helped me build my discipline muscle and that has seeped into other areas of my life. 
    • The cycle is as follows: They have a vision in life (they're filled with excitement and potential) > they engage in life > it gets boring, gruelling, and disappointing or something comes up > they get dejected and lose motivation 
      • The puer aeternus can work hard and can even work long hours for a stretch of time but what they cannot do is work on a dreary morning where one has to kick themselves into work. 
        • This was very much me in the earlier part of college. I had the capability to work hard, pull all nighters, and cram at the last minute but I couldn't maintain a steady sense of discipline. I felt like that came on when I was like 21/22 as my frontal lobe began forming more lol. 

     

    I think much of this attitude of putting life on a pedestal manifested when I was younger in my simplistic understanding in life and the grandiose attitude I had of what careers and adulthood was going to look like. In other words, this attitude presented itself in a very classic way in my teens and early 20s. But I think in my early to mid twenties, it manifests in a more inperceptible way, I think the way that I put life on a pedestal now can be seen through the lens of my anxieties rather than fantasies I escape to. I think that the at the root of my anxiety is how I overestimate the situations that are before me and I hype them up to be bigger than they are (basically putting them on a pedestal of sorts), causing me to get worked up in the process to where I don't put in my full effort.

    For example, I don't like doing the dishes. In my mind, it takes forever and it's this huge drain on my energy. But realistically, it only take me like 10-15 min tops to do and it's not that bad. That's a really small example. A medium sized example is dealing with some of the responsibilities I have at work. Sometimes I put off some tasks that I find tedious, annoying, and time consuming, and I make it much worse than it is up in my head. But then, when I go to do it, it takes me at most 25 min. Nevertheless, it's something that I put off dealing with until the end of the day. A larger example is me putting off the surgery that I had. Don't get me wrong, I did put it off for good reason because I was carefully thinking through it. And I hesitated right up until the end. But a week or two after surgery, I was like *you know what, that wasn't that bad. I got through it. I made it waaaay scarier in my head.* Granted, my surgery process was really smooth but I think after seeing the plethora of things that can go on via the internet during my process of doing research, it freaked me out and I was bracing for the worst.

    Another example that I can think of that I have written about in the post right before this one is how I tend to overestimate the people around me because they seem much more competent and put together as adults even though I know that they're not all that deep down. Like I know that I'm comparing my silliness behind the scenes to their polished exterior productions which causes me to infantilize myself and doubt myself. I overestimate the work that middle management does and I tend to think that it's harder and more stressful than it really is. I overestimate the realities of being a woman and think that I don't measure up to it or "feel like a woman" because I'm comparing my regular day to day to these broader narratives, fantasies, and stereotypes. There is a saying that all big goals are achieved by small consistent actions. But I feel like for me, because I overestimate my goals, it makes the small actions seem inconsequential which then causes me to understimate the very think that will lead me to where I want to go. That underestimation breeds a lack of action and apathy (because what's the point). And the overestimation causes me to sit idly, brewing in a state of anxiety. 

    I'll use the job hunt as another example. I was overestimating how bad it was going to be for me personally when I was just about to graduate college. I thought it was probably going to take me 6-9 months for me to find a job and that it was going to be very mediocre. I was also freaking myself out based on what I was seeing in the economy in the mass scale. And it was to the point where I didn't want to take the small, consistent, and boring action of applying to jobs. Nevertheless, I put out like 10-20 applications, I got an offer, and I ended up getting a job 2 weeks after I graduated. I will admit, I got really lucky (I don't want this post to breed a sort of survivorship bias in me), but I was making the job hunt to be much worse than it was for my reality. I think it's good that I went in with a more realistic view of things in that I wasn't expecting an instant result of my efforts in this hyper positive, gradiose, putting the fantasy of life on a pedestal kind of way, but at the same time, I was putting the negative fantasy of the stuggles of life on a pedestal if that makes sense. 

    I think there is merit to the whole *hope for the best and prepare for the worst* attitude I was raised with but I do think that the *prepare for the worst* portion of that attitude was emphasized much more. I think for me personally, I need to adopt the attitude of *hope for the best, acknowledge that things can go wrong and take necessary precautions, but focus on the journey in front of you rather than what you perceive it as.* I know it's not as quippy as the first saying but I think this a more balanced view for me personally. 

  6. Posted

    7/4/2025 

    I spent 36 min on Instagram, 44 min on Tetris, and 1 hour on Hexa Sort. My iphone is saying that I spent 5 hours and 45 min on Youtube. 

    The later sounds REALLY alarming but I was playing a lot of music today via Youtube and I did like an hour long workout using it. I was just in the mood to move and dance around today lol. I was dancing around my apartment and I was playing music as I was driving to my friend's house to spend the 4th of July with her. The commute was like 30+ min each way. 

    I also watched a really long video from Dr. K about healthy vs unhealthy porn usuage which was like in total 2 hours and 24 min. I watched this at 2x speed while playing either tetris or hexa sort (1 hour 15 min roughly). 

    I feel like this video was a good use of my time and I think I got some insight from it. I wouldn't say this was slop lol. 

    So, the numbers look bad but I think my screentime wasn't the worst today. If we take out Youtube and like an hour and 15 min of games, we get 36 min on Insta and like 30 min on Tetris/Hexa Sort. 

  7. Posted

    I'm trying to decrease my screentime and have a healthier relationship to things like social media and my phone. 
    I saw my screentime and had an existential crisis of sorts. I've been working on decreasing that so that I engage with life more instead of zoning out like a vegetable lol. But I think that having that extra degree of accountability by keeping a journal can help, so here I am. 

    I don't know how this will go but let's see what happens lol. 

  9. Posted

    (Not) Taking Myself Seriously

    I'm 25 years old and I still have yet to feel like a woman. I have been feeling this for quite some time now and i have been reflecting on it off and on over the last 2 ish years. I feel like a girl and I feel like an adult, but for whatever reason, I don't feel like a woman. As for the fact that I relate to girliness as a form of femininity, I think it has less to do with me having an infantilized view of femininity and more to do with how adulthood feels very gender neutral. I cook, clean, take care of my surroundings, have a job that I'm relatively good at, pay my bills on time, have boundaries and good communication skills, a few solid relationships, a sense of responsibility, and a sense of direction in my life. None of these things feel particularly gendered. I guess with girlhood, I tend to associate it with a sense of playfulness, silliness, and whimsy that comes naturally to me.

    So then, I started thinking about what does it mean to be woman, what images comes to mind for me, and how I may or may not be falling short on that. Because I know from the alpha male podcasts that they have a very specific view on masculinity based on a bunch of societal stereotypes that essentially gets conjured up to a caricature of masculinity they idolize and fantasize about being. And based on the Dr. K video I took notes on, I think subscribing to this fantasy instead of embracing the reality and mundaneness of masculinity is what leads a lot men to act like man children. Here is a little bit about what I wrote: 

    On 6/28/2025 at 10:59 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

    Alpha male podcast bros and hustle culture accounts LOOOVE to prey on people who don't want to basic small things and instead want to escape into the fantasy of like a guy in a sports car surrounded by women in bikinis. And then they say that you can get all of this if you just buy their course. These guys also shit on normal people who have working class jobs or have regular 9-5s.

    • This reminds me of the alpha male morning routine where this guy started his morning at liek 3am and basically painted this fantasy of being super productive, aesthetic, and on the grind. But in the end of the video, it was his girlfriend who was doing the fundamental work of making him breakfast lol. 
    • I also found myself thinking about Ramit Sethi, a youtuber who makes videos on money management and improving your relationship with money, and how he hates the finance bros that overcomplicates money to where regular people are scared to learn about financial literacy. He also hates on how there are lot of people in the financial space that sells this idea that you cannot build a decent amount of wealthy if you're not an entrepreneur and he has a good amount of advice for people with regular 9-5 jobs. 

    So that got me thinking about what kind of fantasy and archetype of womanhood that I have picked up on and that I'm subconsciously comparing myself to. 

    I think the first image that I get in my mind when I think being a woman is has to do with this sense of elegance and classiness. And I don't mean to be self deprecating but I don't see myself as that. I wear my authenticity on my sleeve, even if it might be rough around the edges and I put character above class, since classiness without a sense of empathy can just be classism (think judging people for using the wrong fork in a formal dining setting and how that "gives them away"). I think that the words elegance and classiness can be pretty loaded in terms of socioeconomic status, racism, and misogyny. So, I'm trying to be cognizant of that when I try to define womanhood for myself. Like I feel like content like this is the woman equivalent of the alpha male fantasies men have: 

    I encounter shorts like this in my social media feeds. And most of the time, it's not anything particularly toxic, it's just very surface level advice in my opinion. But I want to mainly focus on the imagery around this type of content. I feel like this next couple videos are more in your face about how things like race, money, stereotypes around femininity manifest in this kind of content: 

    Yes, because womanhood is expensive makeup and designer handbags because women be shopping lol. (bruh...the straights are not okay)

    The second image I get in my mind when I think of being a woman has to do with being a wife, mother, or dealing with some kind of struggle that a lot of women deal with (sexual assault, not being taken seriously, objectification, physical pain from things like birth or menstruation, being underestimated, issues in the work force because of having kids). Firstly, you can be a woman and decide that being a wife and a mother isn't for you. That doesn't make you any less of a woman. Secondly, I think it's depressing to conflate womanhood with being the victims of society's ills. I remember when i was doing some google searches on women talking about the moment they felt like woman and a sad amount of those responses dealt with things like sexual assault, getting cat called, being underestimated, or dealing with the struggles of parenthood alone because their man isn't as invested in the kids as they are. Don't get me wrong, these societal ills are experiences that ties a lot of women together, but I don't want to view womanhood only through the lens of pain and disempowerment because I feel like that further reinforces the patriarchial dynamic of women being in a subserviant position and it reinforces the narrative of "well that's just how things are." 

    Upon further reflection, it's not so much that I feel like I'm rejecting my femininity rather I'm rejecting this sort of inauthentic performance around femininity and I'm deconstructing the narratives I've inherited around what it means to be woman so that I can hold space for nuance, and define it on my own terms. To me, womanhood isn’t earned through suffering, it isn’t a costume of Eurocentric elegance or perfection, it isn’t bound to domestic roles or external validation, and it isn’t limited to the aftermath of trauma. And I guess, since I'm so good at pointing out what womanhood is not, it's harder for me to pin down what it is and, as a result, I feel like I'm putting these amorphous standards on myself. And because the standards are amorphous, they don't feel like a huge pressure or anything, but more so a vibe of me just feeling like an awkward gremlin.

    I guess the other thing is that, as far as connotations go, "Girl" can feel more playful, free, or unformed while "Woman" can feel more serious, composed, or defined. And I think one of my problems is that I don't take myself seriously all that much. I think that enables me to be playful and light hearted, and there is a sense of resiliance and warmth that comes from that. Like I'm just little silly goose on the loose lol. But I recognize that this can become a problem, firstly in the sense that I'm most definitely an adult and I shouldn't infantilize myself as that can be an excuse to shirk responsibility, and secondly, I can be selling myself short and underestimate myself, especially in a professional setting which can lead to being mistreated and walked all over. 

    I have a good chunk of coworkers right now who are around my age. And sometimes, I just feel like a kid amongst them. This is especially true when it comes to guys my age. And I've even caught myself feeling kind of incompetent next to them even though guys like R and N have been consistently underperforming and acting tf up, professionally and personally. What I'm trying to figure out is why am I feeling this way despite it not really having a basis in reality. I think it comes down to how I don't really take myself seriously. At work, I don't take my competence that seriously because I'm working at a basic office job and I'm just sending emails. What I do feels really basic and bare minimum tbh even if my boss is happy with my work and is hyping me up. I guess I downplay the work that I do because in the grand scheme of things, I know that office work is often over hyped in terms of skill and socioeconomics and riddled with false emergencies. I do not need to be having a panic attack at work. I'm saving files, not lives. I don't think that's an unhealthy manifestation of not taking work seriously. But I do think that I have this tendency of overestimating the people around me while underestimating myself. To an extent, the stuff my boss shared about R was a shocking. Again,

    On 7/2/2025 at 4:25 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

    he's waaay dumber and more impulsive than what I gave him credit for.

    And to be fair, the guy does have an air of confidence around him and part of that is valid because he is competent at his job. The other part of it is him being a delusional white man. Since I didn't know about his shenanigans, I thought that maybe he was being young and dumb. It's both our first corporate jobs and I can admit that I'm still trying to figure out how to socially navigate things and I can understand if he's trying to do the same. But turns out, he's also shady af and tries to weasel his way into higher positions and out of doing the actual work. I was not privy to any of this because I'm not really getting to know him like that. I'm just reacting to the facade.

    Apparently, R is the type to start acting up when someone is a gateway to something he wants and he gets agressive/ salty because he cannot take no for an answer (which also raises red flags in my head on how this may manifest in other areas of his life). I guess he was able to hide that tendency around me and my other coworkers because we cannot do anything for him in terms of upward mobility. But he did have this tendency to ignore my messages every time I had questions about something when I first got hired. I didn't think much of it. I just assumed he was busy because at the time, he had more responsibilities (or that he secretly hates me, which I don't mind because same). And then I stopped going to him. But apparently, he does that to everyone and he's still doing that despite not having much on his plate... so that's kind of sus. And he has a condescending attitude with some other coworkers (again, I didn't encounter this because typically I just keep my distance because he gave me bad vibes early on). 

    But yeah, I think it's worth examining why I and I'm sure other people can look at R and think of him as particularly competent despite that not being the case while I'm sitting here doubting myself. There are a good amount of people in their mid to late 20s in middle management positions at this company. And it just feels kind of weird to me because I don't really see myself in that same lens of competency and because for a large chunk of time, I just thought that those people (in other teams and locations) were 30+ based on the vibe I got from them. Granted, I do think that everyone, including myself, has some kind of facade at work to maintain professionalism. And I guess, that I'm just comparing my bloopers and silly mistakes to everyone else's polished exteriors. I know that this tendency is common on social media when you're literally viewing someone's highlight reel but I think it's a social tendency that predates the internet. 

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    I also think another area of my life where I don't take myself seriously is my sexuality. I think part of it is healthy in that I can acknowledge the awkwardness and silliness around sex and approach it in a lighthearted, authentic way that doesn't come off as intimidating or performative. Like, girl, I cannot put up a seductive, Jessica Rabbit-esq persona. I feel ridiculous doing that. I think part of it feels like such a caricature of a woman's sexuality from the eyes of a man that it feels silly to engage with it. But I think another part of it is that I don't see myself as someone who is sexually appealing. It's not that I think I'm ugly, it's that I think I just give off a very neutral vibe. I think it's difficult for me to see myself through that lens. I don't see myself as someone who is attractive in a serious sense. 

    Another reason why I don't take myself seriously in a sexual sense is because of my current relationship with X. Again, it's very lighthearted, playful and silly, and that carries a sense of warmth to me that makes me feel like I can open up, emotionally or sexually, without pressure. I'm also VERY ticklish physically so a lot of things that would typically turn someone on just makes me laugh. In contrast, I have been reflecting on the fantasies that have been coming up with L. Compared to my current relationship, the fantasies are more deep, sensual, and traditionally romantic. I find myself thinking about the physical sensation how my face would warm up or how my hands would feel tingly and shaky around the slightest interaction around L years ago. I haven't felt like that about a person physically since. I imagine the physical sensation of running my fingers through his hair on his head but also on the rest of his body. I imagine getting all dressed up, going on a nice dinner with him, having a good conversation, and going home only to have him take everything off. 

    And this feels weird to type out, but in those fantasies, I feel like a woman. It's weird because first of all, my view on womanhood isn't limitted to a sense of sexuality/ sensuality, and second of all, I have those elements in my current relationship sexually as well as the dates I go on with X. But I wouldn't say that my overall dynamic with X serious and traditionally romantic. Like, we're both like giant kids around each other. And I don't think that it's a coincidence that I'm having these fantasies around L especially since L is older by at least a decade. As for the relationship between womanhood and a sense of sensuality/sexuality, I think what differentiates it from girliness is that sense of seriousness as opposed to lighthearted whimsy. I also think that my fantasy of craving something or someone more stern/cold also comes from me craving this sense of seriousness as well.  

    I feel a little awkward in taking myself seriously in life as a whole. I'm a little nervous about coming off as cringy or that I care too much about things that don't really matter. I don't want to have this sense of self-importance or ego that causes people to be a caricature of themselves because they take themselves too seriously. I guess I'm still trying to find this balance of taking myself seriously as an adult but not having that come at the cost of my sense of authenticity. 

  10. Posted

    R just got passed up for a promotion that he has been pining for the last 2 years, he's going bald at 25, and he's being moved away from my team so I'm not gonna have to deal with his bitch ass. I also talked to my boss about what happened when he got passed up for the promotion and turns out everyone in my team secretly hates him and he tends to leave a trail of mess everywhere he goes and he's waaay dumber and more impulsive than what I gave him credit for. 

    Anyways, life's good and karma is real.

    gavin meme smiling.png

  12. Posted · Edited by soos_mite_ah

    I actually want to cry. I posted the previous post and then the page refreshed and posted the version I had 2+ hours ago. I'm going to edit the post tomorrow so that everything is included. But first i'm going to sleep because I'm upset and it's like 11 pm. 

    edit: Thank god it didn't take away the notes I had from the video. I think that was the more time consuming part. Putting in my commentary in the various colors only took me a little more than an hour to get done 

  13. Posted · Edited by soos_mite_ah

    Puer Aeternus Part 1

    Puer Aeternus is the Jungian archetype of someone who remains an eternal child. It refers to someone who remains stuck in adolescence and is essentially developmentally stunted. Dr. K describes this archetype over two different videos at length. I have taken notes on characteristics of this archetype by watching one of his videos. I also decided to add my own commentary whether it applies to my past self, my present self, other people I have encountered in my life, or other patterns I have observed.  

    • Tends to be charming / charismatic and childlike. They can be smart, quick witted and likable. As a result, some people can be easily impressed by them. They have a lot of potential and have bursts of creativity. While they may have a good start, their ability to execute and stick through things is lacking. 
      • They generally do not like sports which requires patience and long training. 
      • They have a hero complex
        • An example that is laid out is this guy who decided to go through yogic training, learn to sleep outside, and go without food just because he doesn't like carrying the weight of a rucksack while hiking. He would rather do the absolute most than to do the mundane things that require responsibility. 
        • They can be heroic and magnificent, but they cannot be ordinary. They have this ego where they want to be grandiose but not do basic tasks. This causes them to be stuck in life. 
        • I feel like this encapsulates what I was like when I was in high school. I was relatively sociable once I got past the social anxiety. I was at the top of my class, creative, and had quick come backs to things. And I was pretty self aware for my age as well. I had a lot of adults say that they saw that I had a bright future ahead. But I did suck at sticking through things and having a regular sense of discipline. I could do an entire course's worth of work or memorize a shit ton of information just because I didn't want to do the basic task of taking notes, noting things down in a planner, or allocating my time effectively instead of leaving things to the last minute. 
        • I feel like I notice this hero complex phenomenon show up among a bunch of leftists that idealize revolution. Like they want something big to happen rather than do the boring work of organizing and phone banking. 
    • They don't like conventional situations. They ask deep questions and go straight for truth. They hate small talk. They're big talkers but they cannot show up for the little stuff in life. 
      • This felt like a description of my 14 year old self who fell into the tumblr rabbit hole of *normal people scare me* and *I don't like small talk, I want to talk about something deep like the mysteries of the universe and space.* I think I also went through a similar phase in my late teens when I was in a constant state of existential crisis lol. I learned that wasn't the way when I started to become the therapist friend and I started to trauma bond with people. That's when I learned the importance of small talk and showing up for the little things because of how it builds to the larger things in a more healthy and sustainable pace. 
      • This also reminds me of the leftists who talk about "direct action" rather than slowly building up the momentum and actually putting in the work to actually have political influence and affect outcomes. 
    • They have big dreams but when they try to live life, they're severely disappointed because they put life on a pedestal and they cannot put up with drab, monotony, boredom, or just everyday life. They might have a vision of writing a book for example but when they sit down to do it, they cannot get through the actual, sometimes boring work of actually writing the book. 
      • I have written about this in a previous post about a year ago. I was going to post a quote from it but I think the whole post is about this very thing. So I'm just going to link it and also summarize some key points instead. Basically, I think I had a more simplistic understanding of life and the way things were going to turn out at 17, especially pre COVID based on my expectations of adulthood at the time. I felt like I could do anything given that I was at the top of my class, I was sociable, and I was creative. I had a bit of a grandiose attitude of what careers and adulthood was going to look like. And I guess at the time of writing this, there was a part of me that wished that I could return back to the naiveity from when I was 17 where I didn't know how deep systemic issues were, where I didn't know about COVID and how that was going to impact things going forward. 
      • I feel like my corporate job was good at taking this tendency out of me. Because I still need to show up and fulfill my responsibilities even if I'm feeling off physically, mentally, and emotionally. I'm still trying to find a good balance of pushing through vs taking a break but I do think that this job has helped me build my discipline muscle and that has seeped into other areas of my life. 
      • The cycle is as follows: They have a vision in life (they're filled with excitement and potential) > they engage in life > it gets boring, gruelling, and disappointing or something comes up > they get dejected and lose motivation 
        • The puer aeternus can work hard and can even work long hours for a stretch of time but what they cannot do is work on a dreary morning where one has to kick themselves into work. 
          • This was very much me in the earlier part of college. I had the capability to work hard, pull all nighters, and cram at the last minute but I couldn't maintain a steady sense of discipline. I felt like that came on when I was like 21/22 as my frontal lobe began forming more lol. 
    • Romantically they're looking for "the image of the mother- the image of the perfect woman who will give everything to a man and who is without any shortcomings- is sought in every woman. He is looking for a mother goddess, so that each time he is facinated by a woman, he has later to discover that she is an ordinary human being. Once he has been intimate with her, the whole facination vanishes and he turns away disappointed, only to project the image onto one woman after another." Basically, they're trying to find the perfect partner, they find someone, that person inevitably disapoints them with their humanness, and then they break things off to then find the perfect person again. 
      • This reminds me of the guys who basically wants a mother for a girlfriend- someone who will cook, clean, do basic house tasks and do basic adult responsibilites around the house that they never learned to do for themselves- but they can fuck them as well. And then, the moment she shows him that she's a person with needs, boundaries, a personality etc. he loses interests and tries to find another person. to continue the cycle with. 
      • This also reminds me of the people who have Bumble brainrot (platonically or romantically) where they don't try to develop healthy communication and conflict resolution skills. Instead, they just ghost or cut the other person off because the next person, the perfect person, is just one swipe away. The thing is, even in healthy relationships, you're bound to encounter some kind of conflict and over time, people you have known for years are bound to annoy you at one point or another. And if it's a little annoying, you learn to self regulate. But if it's something that is really bothering you, you learn to have those difficult and awkward conversations so that y'all can work things out. I'm also glad that Dr. K later talks about dating apps in the video. 
    • They fear losing their potential. They have this notion that if they find the right circumstances, the right environment, the right job, that they can become superhuman. But the problem is that when they try to engage in life, the fantasy falls through and they cannot put in the actual work even if they're incredibly smart, creative, charismatic, etc. Becuase committing to something and making a choice means losing the potential of everything else. 
      • I feel like this was me in high school when I was trying to apply to colleges. I thought that if I went to the right place, that I would flourish and become this superhuman kind of person with a crazy work ethic. I was pretty disappointed with the college I actually ended up going to. But looking back, I don't think it would have made much of a difference in my educational attainment. I still got a good education and I still fell on my face regarding various things that came up. 
      • I feel like I dealt with that fear of losing my potential when I graduated college and things didn't go as planned. I had this image of myself and how college was going to go and my whole experience deviated from that. It was difficult and I had to work through that emotionally. And sure, it came with a lot of negatives (imposter syndrome and the such) but I think it helped me be more present and realistic for my expecations of my self and my life going forward. 
      • Dr. K describes some examples of the language he has encountered regarding this. "Oh, what should I major in? But if I major in this or if I date this person, if I major in this, what if it's the wrong choice? What if it doesn't work out? What if I don't like it? And they're so paralyzed by being trapped in the drab existence of reality. Like oh my god, if I have to debase myself to become a pleb, make small talk in a water cooler, in a cubicle, as a sheeple, I cannot tolerate that at all. They are pathologically incapable of making a commitment or making a sacrifice." 
      • They're terrified of losing options and feeling trapped in making commitments and accepting responsibilities. 
        • This causes them to feel like they aren't living life because they're kind of in the void. They're living a marginal life because they're swimming around in this transitional / exploratory place or they disengage and go back to their fantasy world. They have a bunch of half finished projects and things they have started, but nothing has come to fruition. 
        • I think committing to my partner and to my current job has helped with this fear of commitment. Sure, it isn't perfect but it is a good start. And while I cannot say that having surface level conversations and relationships with my coworkers and doing menial tasks is the epitome of fulfillment, I can appreciate these things for what they are and find beauty in that. I also think that this job has helped me deal with my executive dysfunction by the nature of the role that I'm in and I've found more appreciation over the little things in my life from the stability that this job has given me. 
    • Another cycle they get caught in is the following: They have a fantasy life > They fail to commit > They get freaked out because the possibilities are cut off > leads them to be in a perpetual loading zone as life continues to pass them by > Even if they don't make a committment, life forces them to choose (they might be forced into a job they hate and think is beneath them) > they half ass things > the thing is less than their fantasy > then they long for their fantasy > but there is no initiation because they cannot commit > they go back to the loading zone. 
      • I'm a little guilty of this. I think in relation to my job, life forced me to choose. I tend to half ass things at work because part of me thinks I'm too good for corporate and increasing shareholder value and instead I want to preserve my energy for more meaningful things. I wrote about in my linked post above on how I sometimes long for the fantasy of adulthood that my 17 year old self had. But thankfully, this doesn't stop me from committing or taking initiation and I don't go back into the loading zone. I think this is something I want to reflect on more. 
    • Common beliefs: 
      • In the perfect circumstances, my perfection will come out. The road to my dreams isn't 10-15 years of long drab work that won't come into fruition. I just need to find the right job, the right friends, the right partner etc. 
        • I feel like R and N are examples of this. They kind of have this view that if they have the right investments that they're going to get rich instead of putting money into a 401k and watch that gradually grow. Instead, they're crashing out over Tesla stocks lol. These two also bought houses very prematurely instead of saving over the course of years and now they're struggling. R is especially guilty of this. He has that delusional white man tendency where he overestimates his abilities at times. Don't get me wrong, he is competent. But applying for and jumping into a managerial position 6 months into a job and 6 months out of college is delusional. I'm not here to say that tenure is everything, but it is something because there are some things in a job that can only be picked up over time even if you have the skill set right now. 
      • They blame their circumstances rather than taking responsibility. They tend to blame their prior selves. Rather than correct their mistakes, they blame their prior selves and are like *oh if I didn't make xyz decision, I wouldn't be here* but they aren't going to make the right decision today. 
      • They think that they missed the boat on xyz skill/ milestone/ life stage and that there's nothing you can do about it. (think *oh I never had a relationship in high school, I'm so behind, I'm 25 with no experience, no one will love me, it's too late for me etc.* They'd rather do that than put in the boring work to catch up)
        • I will admit, I'm sometimes guilty of this train of thought. However, I allow myself to grieve and then after that I come up with an action plan to address this. 
      • They have an image of themselves that is fragile. They might point to a physical of mental health thing as something that is debilitating. And sure, it might have some validity, but they don't follow up with *well, what are you going to do with that situation?* They use this as a excuse rather than a reason. They'd rather do some psychedelics and say they're cured or they would rather just stay in the suffering instead of doing the hard work and menial tasks required to overcome the situation.
        • My roommate in college was like this in terms of their physical and mental health. Don't get me wrong, they were dealing with some serious shit. But they do have a tendency to moap and analyze all of the systemic reasons for their ills instead of addressing things. They did balance me out since I'm in the opposite end where sometimes I put too much pressure on myself to take responsibility. I do like how we balanced each other out. 
        • I feel like I have seen this pattern A LOT on this forum where a lot of guys would rather do psychedelics or some super human kind of self inquiry instead of doing the basic work to deal with their problems. Spiritual bypassing is not cute lol. 
      • They have a defensive arrogance where they have an inferiority/superiority complex. They have trouble finding the right kind of job or partner because nothing is ever quite right or quite what they wanted. There's always a hair in the soup. 
        • They feel superior to people even though they see that themselves as below them. Think of the incel who wants to date a 10/10 woman and not look at a woman who is just average even though they're lonely. Think of the person who is amazing at video games and loves to dunk on noobs but won't write a paper on theology in the 13th centrury because the paper is beneath them. 
        • I think that a lot of the problems I have at work feels like a hair in the soup. Sure, I don't like my job and I don't like the shenanigans of upper management, but I do have good opportunities here and I know the job market is rough at the moment. I'm not saying all of this to brush off the toxicity that is there in my work place but I am saying that I'm not just gonna quit because there is a handful of things going wrong. 
        • I also feel like the fact that my partner isn't my type is the hair in the soup while the fact that I have a really solid, happy relationship, that is the soup itself. Sure I want to explore and get a few things out of my system by temporarily opening the relationship, but depending on how conversations go, if he's not ok with that, it's not the end of the world. I'm not willing to sacrifice my good relationship for the sake of sexual fulfillment. I'm not trying to say that sexual fulfillment and dating someone you consider your type isn't important, but I am saying that it isn't important TO ME as much in the grand scheme of things.  There are a lot of areas of my life that gives me fulfillment but sexual fulfillment isn't at the top of the list in regards to how it contributes to my overal satisfaction in life. 
      • The idea of wasting time is so terrifying for them that they never make a commitment. But then, not making commitment causes them to waste more time, thus leading them to the life they were afraid of in the first place. 
        • Thank god I didn't fall into this trap. I did encounter people who shortly after graduating they found themselves in the failure to launch category. I also had professors tell me that you might not find the perfect opportunity after graduation but doing something as opposed to nothing is better because even if you go with a less than perfect opportunity, you will still get some experience and some footing to find something better afterwards. 
      • Another fantasy they have is that there is an abrupt force that comes into your life that will force you to grow or die (because they cannot motivate themselves in a normal situation so they need something dramatic to push them into action). Either, I'm going to be something and be a hero, or I'll be dead (because they'd rather be dead than ordinary). 
        • I'm guilty of this. Sometimes, I fantasize about getting laid off so that it will force me to apply and get another job quickly. 
    • How do you fix this: 
      • Put in the boring work. Make sacrifices. Make commitments. Do that even if the gurantee of the work paying off is not present when you start the work. 
        • An example of the puer aeternus is the person who says "I want to work at a company, but I don't want to get an entry level position. I want a strategic position where my ideas will be respected." They cannot pay a cost without a gurantee of a gain. Focus on the cost rather than the gain. Focus on the reality instead of the fantasy. 
          • I think a lot of boomers had this mentality because for them, a college degree was a fast track to getting a really cushy job that wasn't entry level. And the fact that our generation cannot do the same was like hitting a brick wall for both generations to varying extents. I also had a moment when I first got my corporate job where I was like *I got this complicated ass degree only to be sending emails? I could have done this when I just graduated high school tf?* I feel like college can sometimes put work life and entry level jobs on a pedestal and make them more complicated that they are to where you feel delusional enough to think you're worthy of a strategic position right off the bat. But the truth it, most organizations are complicated and it takes time to learn the ins and outs of various departments and create the professional connections and competency to get a role like that. 
      • Don't be afraid of "settling." Focus on the loss of the possibilities and potential and work through that. Stop blaming yourself for falling behind in life and expecting some outlandish thing to fix things for you overnight and put in the gruelling work. 
        • I think my corporate job helped me not feel behind in life because I was in a mixed age environement where I wasn't just in a bubble with people my own age I could compare myself to. I think this job also helped me make peace with a sense of monotony and the skills that are built from that as well. 
      • Recognize that your real issues are internal. The issue isn't that you need to work towards a promotion, the issue is that you need to learn to grind. 
        • There is a tendency to focus on the heroic forms of growth. Dr. K uses the biohacking community as an example where instead of eating generally healthy and exercising, they need to biohack, optimize, and get more with less. Instead of doing what normal people do, they want to find a really specific protocol with special technology to create a special kind of health. Just eating basic foods and a little exercise here and there basically gets you to 95% of the path there. You might need an extra vitamin D supplement or something for the remaining 5% but you don't need to overcomplicate things. But that's the real question, why do you need to overcomplicate things and go to fantastical lengths? 
          • I know the video was mainly geared towards men but I do think that this applies to women in the wellness influencer space as well. Like Sydney, no, I don't need a 12 step skincare routine, expensive facials once a month, and botox. Most of us will be just fine with a face wash, moisturizer, sunscreen, and maybe tretonoin. No I don't need greens powder, a very specific diet, 30k steps, and a work out plan that only makes sense if you're unemployed in order to lead a healthy life. I just need to ensure that I'm eating enough food, get 20-30 min of movement in, drink water and maybe take a supplement. And sure, these healthy habits MIGHT cause you to lose weight for some people. But for a lof of people, they're going to get healthier but they won't lose weight. And that is alright. Not everyone is meant to live up to the fantasy of looking like a Victoria Secret model. Just because you don't look like a model becuse you have basic healthy habits doesn't mean that there is something wrong with your body and that you should starve yourself, or have a very elaborate wellness routine. 
        • There are people who, no matter what job you put them in, they do pretty well because their work ethic is right. There are people who have many successful relationships because they have good relationships skills/ good attachment style. Stop hunting for the right circumstance and start showing up as the right person. 
          • I feel like this is me with my relationships. Sure I was more of a late bloomer romantically but I think that I'm capable of being friends with a wide range of people in terms of their background and personality. And because I have a track record of good friends, that has helped me gain the relationship skills to be a good partner as well. 
          • I think this is me at work as well. I know that I have mentioned that I have a tendency to half ass things at work but I would say overall I have a decent work ethic relative to my coworkers. I feel like I'm half assing things but my boss is pretty happy with my quality of work. And I am proud of myself for excelling in something that I don't have a lot of passion in and that I show up to and fulfill the responsibilities of regardless of how I'm feeling that day.  
          • I met a guy like this in high school. Sure like everyone, he had subjects that he was better at and worse at, but he made it a point to excel everything and have a consistent work ethic. I'm not sure what he's doing right now, but knowing him, I'm sure he's doing well in whatever industry he has chosen to go into. 
      • Focus on small things. Do the little habits. Do the laundry, the dishes, etc. Be a normal adult lol. 
        • Alpha male podcast bros and hustle culture accounts LOOOVE to prey on people who don't want to basic small things and instead want to escape into the fantasy of like a guy in a sports car surrounded by women in bikinis. And then they say that you can get all of this if you just buy their course. These guys also shit on normal people who have working class jobs or have regular 9-5s.
          • This reminds me of the alpha male morning routine where this guy started his morning at liek 3am and basically painted this fantasy of being super productive, aesthetic, and on the grind. But in the end of the video, it was his girlfriend who was doing the fundamental work of making him breakfast lol. 
          • I also found myself thinking about Ramit Sethi, a youtuber who makes videos on money management and improving your relationship with money, and how he hates the finance bros that overcomplicates money to where regular people are scared to learn about financial literacy. He also hates on how there are lot of people in the financial space that sells this idea that you cannot build a decent amount of wealthy if you're not an entrepreneur and he has a good amount of advice for people with regular 9-5 jobs. 
        • A more feminine coded version of this phenomenon is the woman who gets pregnant because of the fantasy of motherhood and how people put mothers on a pedestal but they don't want to do the basic shit of caring for the kid and ends up being negligent. They would rather coach their 3 year old to say something profound for 4 hours so that they can post that for views have people say what a great mother they are instead of changing diapers. They party, get plastic surgery, hold on to their youth, become influencer moms, instead of putting in the work of parenting. 
          • This reminds me of Huda from Love Island season 7. She kind of uses motherhood as a kink of sorts and it's really not adding up how she has the time to be wilding out the way that she is while having a kid at home. 
          • This also makes me think of the men who like the fantasy and prestige around being a husband and father but don't actually want to be either of those things. And then once they have a kid, all of the childcare falls on the shoulder of the woman and then they either work long hours or take on hobbies like golfing that takes them away from home so they can avoid their responsibilities and because they secretly hate their wife and kids. I personally haven't met people like this, but my friends in more high pressure jobs have. 
          • I also think that my own mother fell into this category as well. I think she liked the idea of motherhood much more than the reality and she projected a lot of fantasies on to how she wanted me to turn out. And since I fell short of that, as one does because they are human, she's often disappointed in me and while I do think she loves me, I don't think she likes me all that much.
      • But don't also go so far the other direction to where you kill the child within you and you get stuck in the grind. 
        • The child within you isn't a bad thing. You need to have a balance with your inner child and discipline them. 
          • Creativity, spontaneity, playfulness is still important. 
          • I feel like this is something I had to learn last year. Once you get to working, there is no extended breaks for you to look forward to. Instead, you need to actively create things to look forward to and create your own traditions so that life doesn't run together and feel like a blob. Also, take your PTO. 
    • Chatter questions: 
      • "If someone is stuck in the classic puer aeternus state because society provides no rites of passage or stable adult roles, is it really their fault?" 
        • Does society provides no meaningful rites of passage? Are they all gone? Are there rites of passages that aren't meaningful? What's the difference between an empty rite of passage and a meaningful one? How do you define a rite of passage? 
        • It doesn't matter if it's your fault, it's your responsibility. Sure, these are decaying in society, but you need to craft meaning for yourself. Asking if it's your fault is the wrong question. The right question is what are you going to do about it?
      • "Do I just need to force myself to do boring stuff." 
        • You need to ask why you need to force yourself in the first place. Deal with your issues with your motivation around boring stuff (hero complex, issues around commitment, fantasy of what could have been because you started to late, the fantasy of holding things at a pedestal, convenience/ efficiency culture etc.) 
          • This is something that I feel like I have been indirectly contemplating. 
      • "How does one get better at making sacrifices even for small choices? Sometimes I get stuck in this loop of trying to make a choice and it's so exhausting."
        •  Look at the sacrifice at multiple angles. Ask why you're such a miser with your resources and why you can't spend your resources. Why can't you afford to make a wrong choice? 
          • I think I had this problem more so when I was in high school/ college because I was afraid of falling behind from my peers and making mistakes that could cost me years of my life. I was afraid of that because I wanted to be happy and successful quick without struggling as much with dumb problems like my peers. Looking back, I do see the superiority complex that this reeks of. Because why am I exempt from making a couple dumb mistakes in my youth? Dumb mistakes are part of the age appropriate learning process. Why am I thinking so highly of myself to where I'm demanding perfection from myself? It's a shame that back then I felt like I had to have everything together because I didn't have the safety net to mess up, but while I used to look at that as a positive, now I'm seeing that it was kind of messed up. 
      • "What are some questions to ask yourself about your inability to close doors?"
        • What's the problem with losing this possibility? Why do you need a perfect life? Why can't you have an ordinary life and why do you look down on it?
        • For the puer aeternus, progress isn't the goal. They want a sense of completion, a sense of victory, a triumph rather than incremental movement. Start to see progress is enough and build a sense of contentment. They want pleasure and safety, not contentment. Because mad geniuses are never content, they are consumed by their brilliance. They want grandiosity, not ordinary existance. 
        • I remember in another Dr. K video on how he describes FOMO as a form of greed because the one thing you chose for yourself isn't enough and you feel like you need everything. So it's like, if you have a bunch of interests and you don't want to just choose one, why? If you can find joy in so many things, why is choosing one and sticking to it so scary? 
      • "I watch self help content but I cannot apply it. Why?" 
        • Self help content can give the illusion of progress without you doing anything. It's cognitively intense at times so you end up taking a break. But then you don't do anything. Don't ask that question to the content. Ask that question to yourself. 

  15. Posted · Edited by soos_mite_ah

    Nihilism Part 8: Anti-Intellectualism 

    There is a Tiktok that I saw recently that said the following: 

    Quote

    Do you really think being smart is elitist or are you just uncomfortable with the fact that critical thinking takes effort and you would rather call people pretentious than admit that you don't understand them? Because maybe it's not that knowledge is gate kept. Maybe it's that you've been trained to see curiousity as cringe and expertise as arrogance. And instead of asking questions or challenging your assumptions, you mock nuance, glorify ignorance, and pretend vibes are a valid substitute for facts. And maybe just maybe, the real problem isn't with people using big words, it's that you decided learning stopped being valuable the second it made you feel small. 

    I have an annoying ass coworker who gives off big cultural nihilism vibes. I'll call him N. N proudly admits that he hasn't read a single book fully since he was 16 years old (he's 26 now). N recently told me that he thought college, reading, and writing papers were all just pointless and doesn't teach you anything useful. Meanwhile, N is the type of person who gets scammed by crypto pump and dump schemes on a regular basis and folds like a lawn chair at the sight of a get rich quick scheme. N is the type of person to travel but never leave a resort or make an effort to learn something new about the place and culture he's in. N can be pretty selfish in the face of systemic issues where he only cares to the extent of which it affects him. I also get the vibe that he secretly idolizes Elon Musk solely on the fact that he's a billionarie given on how much he loves cybertrucks. 

    But the good thing about N is that he's not antagonistic or like deeply entrenched in an ideology. Unlike R, I don't think N can really articulate his political views and falls more in the camp of being what I call politically incoherent. Like he gives more of a selfish dumbass who is more dangerous to himself than other people kind of vibe while R seems like a sketchy person outside of work who is more capable of hurting others. 

    So my strategy of dealing with N is that I just lightly roast him and playfully make fun of his beliefs so that there is some degree of shame there lol. Like the other day, he went on this thing on how your life sucks after college and now you have responsibilities to our interns (who are seniors in college). And the way he was going about it, it was very much giving *I don't like having agency over my life, I don't care enough to excersise energy to make life meaningful, and I basically slacked off all through high school and college.* My response was "N, what responsibilities are you talking about, we are sending emails lmao. You're 26 acting like you're life is over and you have a foot in the grave! You're gonna be young for a while and there is so much you can do and experience in the mean time." And then I told the interns just some typical challenges you encounter right after you graduate and how there are a lot of opportunity to use that to your advantage within those challenges. Like, I didn't say it was easy but I did say that having agency over your life and what you want to create doesn't have to be scary and it's something that can be incredibly freeing. 

    Another time, he went this whole thing about how he loves cybertrucks and I just told him that those cars low key look like dumpsters and if he decides to get one, he should watch out for the raccoons that typcially try to attack them. I also compared the car to bad ps4 graphics. 

    I sometimes feel like if I was open about my opinions at work, I would have people like N either not comprehend a single word I'm saying and have it all go over their head or be told that *it's not that deep* or *why do you care, it doesn't personally affect you.* I feel like the people like R would say something about me being over educated, out of touch, and not practical enough and paint the fact that I'm more informed in a topic instead of falling for conspiracies as me flaunting a sense of elitism. Or the people like R will say something like *you're just over thinking, nothing ever happens, you're being dramatic." Like, the over all vibe that I get from a lot of my coworkers are that these are the people who probably didn't take school seriously at all and they all just did the bare minimum to skate by with Bs and Cs. And as a result, they're apathetic, don't have a decent work ethic, and/or fall for half baked conspiracy theories instead of rubbing two braincells together and learning how the world works. 

    Like there is a reason why both R and N get along and make similar life decisions. They also both impulsively bought houses without property running the numbers just because they qualified for the mortgage. And, I'm not trying to judge them for their priorities as someone who isn't super pro home ownership, but I think both of them are bought into the propoganda of home ownership in the sense they thing it's the only way to build wealth. Little do they know, that house is gonna come with a bunch of home improvment issues over the years, your electric and AC id going to be more expensive, you're gonna spend more money furnishing the place, and you're gonna have to deal with things like property taxes, HOA fees etc. And all of that adds up and even if your home becomes really valuable and you sell it way above the amount that you pay for, the amount you gained over time is overstated because it doesn't factor in the hidden costs I have explained above. And both of them are finding out the hard way by making decent salaries (I get paid roughly the same amount) but they're eating ramen noodles every night. 

    Homeownership is one example. I wouldn't be surprised if they bond over dumb bro science off to the side where I cannot hear them. And sometimes I wish I could go up to them and be like *that's not how any of this works you dumb bitch.*

    The ignorance and lack of desire to learn anything in a credible way is not completely their fault. I feel like the way they think also ties in to my previous post on how the information environment as of now is just a wreck. 

    This is the vibe that I wish I could bring into corporate: 

    It's so satisfying to hear her call people a dumb bitch. I don't know what it is lol. 

  16. Posted

    I think it mainly comes down to living for happiness vs living for fulfillment, meaning, and challenging yourself to do more. The things mentioned above can also manifest in fulfilling and meaningful ways but that's something you need to come to your own conclusions for and craft a life accordingly rather than passively go on the path of least resistance.

    Religion can be a big source of meaning for a lot of people and manifest in a healthy way but that doesn't mean that it's the answer for everyone and their source of meaning. And a strong family and social ties are pretty important imo regardless of how much of a normie life you want to ascribe to or not since as people we're hardwired to connect with others, even if it's something little as engaging on a forum. 

  17. Posted

    2 minutes ago, RendHeaven said:

    you can't discount the impact of covid lockdowns in 2020. If majority of men were not porn addicts in 2019, then you sure as hell must believe many of them changed during the span of 2020.

    That's fair. I wouldn't be surprised if there has been a spike since COVID and how that has given rise to even more lonliness and isolation. 

    At the same time, I highly doubt that it spiked from 11% to like 30% or more. I would estimate at most like just under 20% and that's being generous.   

  18. Posted

    Just now, RendHeaven said:

    Do you know how long I pretended to verbally not have a porn addiction while jerking it to a flickering screen in shame every night?

    You don't have to answer this but did you ever get a diagnosis? Because unless you get an offical diagnosis from a doctor, whether you're part of a study or you're talking casually among friends, it's self diagnosis. 

    1 minute ago, RendHeaven said:

    literally every single one of my highschool and college mates were frequent porn watchers (I interrogated them in the past lol).

    That could also be self selection bias. Birds of a feather ya know. 

    1 minute ago, RendHeaven said:

    You think they would cleanly say "yes I'm addicted to porn" on a questionnaire? 

    I mean if it's totally anonymous, I can see more people being honest since nothing is at stake. I do get the biases that can come from self diagnosis or a lack thereof though such as people miscontruing what actually counts as an addiction clinically to where they're either assuming they have an addiction when they don't (i.e. moralizing the one time they watched porn) or they are in denial of the addiction to themselves. 

    I read through the study and it looks like they do try to control for that by adding additional questions to the reporting such as the frequency of usage and their attitude towards porn. 

  19. Posted

    16 minutes ago, RendHeaven said:

    I think women grossly and severely underestimate how much porn has ensnared modern men. We all hide it so there's no reason for you to suspect anything, but try walking around town; the grocery store; the gym; work - and imagining that literally every single male (young boy and elder alike) you encounter even peripherally beats his meat to pixels when he's all alone. Imagine that every man who tells you he doesn't watch porn is ESPECIALLY watching porn.

    I'm not doubting that majority of men (and a good chunk of women) view porn. But as far as an addiction is concerned, about 11% of men have a porn addiction. I think I also saw numbers as high as 15%. It's not the majority that has an addiction. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC7044607/

    And whether or not porn is addictive I feel like can come down to the medium more than the notion of porn itself. Porn has been around since the beginning of time but internet porn is a relatively new phenomenon. I think internet porn is uniquely more addictive than other forms tbh. I don't blame people for becoming addicted to internet porn but I am saying that less addictive options exist. 

     

    18 minutes ago, RendHeaven said:

    this will be one of the most under-reported addictions of all time. Internet traffic numbers is a better metric for getting a big picture than what men self-report)

    I do believe that internet traffic numbers is calculated using the number of visitors and the number of pages they visit. So I wouldn't be surprised that the 11% of men who have the addictions comprise of like 70% of the traffic. 

  20. Posted

    The Current Information Environment

    AI, algorithms, and the proliferation of short form content gives me an existential crisis. I feel like it's really fucking with people's ability to process life and make sense of the world around them. 

    I feel like I have been venting about AI in my journal. I don't think that AI is all bad but it does freak me out the way that it is being used to offload basic human qualities like critical thinking and creativity that give people fulfillment to a machine. It freaks me out the way that automaticing every aspect of our lives diminishes our direct relationship with life and the world around us. It freaks me out the way that I have watched videos before that I were convinced were of real people and it turned out to be AI. It freaks me out on how this type of technology is going to be used to replace people or underpay them instead of creating more free time for all of us. It freaks me out on how much low quality slop content is going to be produced by this and how that will impact us intellectually as a collective. And it freaks me out that whether you're trying to be media literate or not, you can easily fall victim to the deception of AI. And the illusions are only going to get better, and by that I mean it's gonna get worse for our ability to be epistemically grounded in reality until there are some actual regulations put in place. 

    The algorithms freak me out the way that you can easily get into weird pipelines and also develop anti-social views around people. Like, I see this shit happening to the people around me in real life and especially with my friends who I know well enough to know their heart and what they're suceptible to, I feel like I'm on high alert so that the people I care about don't get wrapped up in some kind of toxic, self destructive ideology. I feel like this video sums things up well: 

    And also, it does freak me out the way that using social media has become a ubiquitous way of turning your brain off. Because there is a lot of weird ass content out there and you don't want to be consuming or further perpetuating that when your media literacy brain is off. Like the time that you need to be using your critical thinking skills the most is to combat against internalizing toxic beliefs is the time when people are least likely to use said critical thinking skills because especially if you're mindlessly scrolling on Tiktok, you're being very passively spoon fed content and god knows what you'll encounter after liking a heated post or two. This passivity that latches on to people when they just want to turn off their brain is a breeding ground to the cultural nihilism where people aren't even looking up / fact checking basic information because they're in a numbed out state where they don't feel the need to. Like, we make fun of the boomers dissassociating in front of Fox News and the 24 hour news cycle but honestly, are we any better given these algorithms and the way we doomscroll the news on social media?

    Then, you have short form content. I feel like it's kind of a joke that a lot of us have gold fish level, 8 second attention spans now a days but honestly, we gotta take this more seriously. Why tf are there college English majors struggling to read full length books? Why do I sometimes I have issues with watching a whole ass movie without checking my phone? Why are video essays my main form of information intake and how has that been affecting me? How does the TikTok algorithm where I see one video on the genocide in Gaza, and then the next video is someone ranting about an alpha male podcast bro, and the next video is of a influencer trying to sell me greens powder, and the next video is of someone making memes of World War 3, and the next video is of a cute little raccoon, impact my brain and it's ability to process emotions that come up? 

    English majors struggle to read full length books because most of the reading we do on a day to day is in the form of articles or in the form of passages/ exerpts you read in class to prepare for standardized testing. It's the most efficient way of taking in information. And as a result, a lot of people don't have the same kind of reading stamina they would have if they were regularly reading 800 page books. I have issues watching a while movie or even reading fiction becuase my attention span is shot by short form content and there is a part of me that wants to be spoon fed concepts and intake the media equivalent of Soylent instead of taking the time to enjoy the artistic quality of something that is meant to be savored more slowly and intentionally. The video essays are an easy way to take in information where I don't have to actively use my head and pay attention to parse together words and I can just have something educational play in the background.

    This video and the state of education stresses me tf out: 

    I also wrote about this in a previous post in response to the video above: 

    On 5/29/2025 at 8:12 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

    Anyways, so lately, since noticing the lack of fire in my life, I found myself thinking about all of the areas of my life this manifests in and how I kind of suck as a person. I feel like me zoning out in front of my phone plays a huge role in this, even if I watch things that are relatively better than slop. Like sure, it’s good that I’m still intellectually engaging with the world around me. But I’m not taking action and in that sense, I’m disconnected from life itself as it passes me by. This really started to sink in after watching the Vaush video I linked in the first Nihilism post but also after I watched the video below on literacy. Thankfully, I can understand the passages that the video talked about if I slowed down and read them, but it’s still concerning that it was any bit challenging.  

    Finally, the tiktok algorithm and the way that it juxtaposes various types of videos in one place is also fucking with my ability to process world events in a healthy way because everything feels distracting and is pleading for my attention. Like why tf did the LA ICE protests happen last week but now, no one is talking about it? It's because we have to get to work, act like nothing is going on to function in our systemically dysfunctional lifes. It's because now the 24 hour news cycle moved on to the fuckery happening in Iran because this administration is a chaos machine. It's because there are a million other things begging for our attention from over consumption, dumb memes, culture war talking points, and so much more. I think that on top of the fact that we're desensitized to uNPreCEdeENTeD events from things happening back to back, that the demands of regular life and the juxtaposition of the information itself plays a role in our ability to actually sit with the horrors taking place and acknowledge them for the graveness they possess without feeling like we have to swiftly move to the next thing. And I think when we're inundated with information like this to where we don't have the room to process it intellectually and emotionally, that becomes a breeding ground for cultural nihilism and this feeling that nothing matters. Because in an environment life that, nothing does matter because we don't give it room to matter and affect our soul.   

    Ulitimately, the information age is dizzying and unregulated and as a result, it's giving way to the disinformation age. Our critical thinking skills are offloaded. People are taking in information without a critical thought with no effort between their braincells. Short form content is fucking our attention spans to where we cannot take in longer, nuanced content or enjoy things in a normal pace any more. And all of this is so dizzying that I feel like I cannot emotionally process the world around me. And that is happening to me as someone who is trying to critically engage and be concious of what's happening so that I don't get swept by the current of information. I'm trying to swim upstream and I'm still flowing down the river. Imagine what this is doing to somone's brain who is not trying to put up a fight at all and how far down the stream they have gone. 

  22. Posted

    We Need a Stage Green President Before a Stage Yellow President 

    This is not a new realization. By the logic of the sprial, you need to integrate the previous stages and go through the current stage rather than skipping too far ahead. I got that understanding in my personal development when I tried to jump too far ahead to Turquoise a few years ago which messed me up in a bunch of ways. Nevertheless, there is a part of me that felt impatient when it came to spiral development on a collective level. And I can't say that there isn't a part of me that still isn't impatient tbh because my bias is wanting to move up sooner rather than later for the benefit for everyone. I'm not exactly excited about the collective ego backlash that has been the 2020s pop culture so far. But upon further reflection, upon further research in effective rhetorical methods in the current political environment, it feels pretty evident that we need to have a full stage Green cycle and stay in tier 1 before jumping to Yellow and beyond, as exciting as that might be. 

    I discussed the issue with how nuance is being weaponized to justify and cultivate complacency and stagnancy through overthinking instead of advocating for bold action in a more conscious direction. I discussed it in the post below: 

    We're in a place where Stage Orange (and to a lesser extent Blue) is cultivating a brainrot in the general population to where a chunk of this country is not even opperating on the same reality of facts. I'm specifically singling out Orange because that's our center of gravity at the moment. And while that does need to be integrated and that is the process we're on given this ego backlash, we also need to push past this into Green to save the economy, to save the working class, to save trans people, to save the climate, to save the Palestinians, and more. 

    I've also seen instances where hyperintellectualism was also weaponized in educational circles to ignore current pressing issues. I think the Israel-Palestine Conflict is  a perfect example of this. It's very obvious who the aggressor with the more power (and therefore has disproprotionate amount of responsibility in the violence) is. But as people are actively being bombed, starved, raped, and tortured in Gaza, there are universities that are still trying to parse out the nuances of how to solve this conflict. Don't get me wrong, while this is not a morally complicated issue, solving this is logistically messy in terms of populations, propoganda, powerful actors with money etc. and how to coordinate all of those parties together. Having in depth nuanced conversations has a time and place. And the time and place isn't when there is an active genocide happening. You need to have a hard line in cutting support for Israel off financially, fuck what the AIPAC money says, combat the pro Israeli propoganda that is dehumanizing the Palestinians, and demand a ceasefire first. You need to put the current fire out first before you go to the drawing board to figure out how to build a new structure.  You cannot actively plan on what to build while withholding water as the flames fan out. That's not constructive. 

    Now is not time to have detailed nuanced conversations with people who are either not going to engage in good faith or not capable of engaging in a meaningful way. Now is the time to shame conservatives and make them embarrassed to have the positions they have, not to the point where they go into the shadows and create their own communities to breed toxic ideologies, but to the point where they're ashamed to the point where they don't even feel comfortable reaching out to people. They need to be ashamed to the point where they have to take a very long hard look in the mirror. Meeting people with understanding in situations where they are militantly against anything constructive in this country is not a display of strength to them, rather they will see it as a source of weakness that they can point to as a victory. Sometimes, you need to bully people back because they're not going to respond to reason but they'll respond to a bruise to their ego and their emotions. Nuance and academic language isn't going to power people up to act in times when people need to be passionate. 

    And a stage Yellow leader or politician is not going to do that. But a militant stage Green leader or politician will passionately advocate for their positions, not fall victim for ceeding ground, and have the appropriate amount of anger and contempt to meaningfully challenge the stage Orange opposition rather than trying to integrate/ capitulate to them. Because even if you want an integrative solution right at this moment, given the current polarization and backlash, you're not going to be able to engage with these parties (corporations, media, billionaires etc.) in a healthy, constructive, and good faith way because those parties are long gone in the excesses of Orange. At this point, you need to call them tf out and regulate the shit out of them. 

    World War 2 was when this country switched over from having stage Blue being the center of gravity to stage Orange being the center of gravity. Don't get me wrong, the 1950s was still very Blue, but it was mainly after the decolonization of the post war era, the unprecendented degree of wealth the U.S. saw from the 50s to the 90s, the automation and the simplification for the sake of efficiency in manufacturing etc. that we moved into mainly Orange. The Civil War marked when this country moved to Blue as the center of gravity as it let go of slavery (mainly Red) and as the wild west started to diminish as westward expansion and regulation extended. There was a good amount of Blue here in prior to the Civil War and there was a good chunk of Red immediately after, but there was a meaninful shit on which took center stage.

     I don't know what the fuck we're going through right now, but after this tumultuous time, once things settle down, we're going to be in a much more stage Green world and Orange will take more of a second seat like Blue did in the 50s. And we can only get through this season of chaot with someone who is militantly passionate in Green rather than a more subdued Yellow. Don't get me wrong, Yellow is still important and it's important that we continue to cultivate that. But now it's not the time for Yellow to blossom and take center stage. It's the time to plant seeds and conserve pockets of Yellow in the same way Green was cultivated and preserved years ago before it was ready to take center stage. 

    I'm talking very broadly and collectively here. If you're dealing with individuals who are more Orange/Blue, that's something you have to learn to deal with on a case by case basis depending on the context of the interaction, how far gone they are, your relationship to them, etc. Don't go off on regular dumbasses and be socially stupid because you have tried to have conversations you're not socially adept enough at having lol. 

  23. Posted · Edited by soos_mite_ah

    I voted no 

    Pros for Porn: 

    • Can decrease assault as it gives people an outlet 
    • less stigma for sex 
    • can be an outlet to explore desires and creativity depending on the type of porn 

    Cons: 

    • irresponsible usage of porn
      • getting exposed to it when you're underaged and as a result you have a dependence and have a distortion of what sex,sexuality, and relationships realistically look like 
      • addictions especially when it comes to internet porn and how it's exaggerated to continue to feed dopamine receptors (some people start craving seeing more and more violent and crazy scenes or they have a very distorted view of what women typically look like for example). 
      • using porn as an escape from regular life and getting dependent on it to regulate emotions to where you're neglecting your regular life. 
    • the sex work industry as it is now where people are getting pimped out, tapes and nudes are getting leaked, predating on people with vulnerable life circumstances, the lack of respect sex workers get to where the law doesn't really protect them and employers discriminate against them, actors not getting paid enough etc. 

    I know that my pros look shorter than my cons list but I still voted no because it's the porn itself that is the problem rather it's the irresponsible usage and the way it plays into the existing issues with the sex work industry. Even if you get rid of porn, the issues with the sex work industry will still be there tbh. And the way that I interpreted this, is that porn can be a variety of things. It can range from explicit novels, your standard PH explore page, paintings from the 1800s, Only Fans, or hell, cave drawings and clay carvings from ancient civilization. Porn has always been here in one form of another and it's not that porn that is the issue but it's more so about the medium, the way it's used, and the industries it interacts with. 

  25. Posted · Edited by soos_mite_ah

    23 minutes ago, RendHeaven said:

    I see...

    how do we feel about dominating R (fuck conservatives!) 

    Not really. But there is aggression from both sides involved in the fantasy as it is hate sex lol. 

    idk, maybe I'm type casting him based on personality lmao