Formed Frontal Lobe Thoughts

[soos_mite_ah]

Finding the Fire in My Soul Again + Horny Thoughts: 

As I have been trying to work out my feelings around cultural nihilism and the way that the nihilism manifests for me personally, I have been dealing with some interesting emotions as of late. Here is a brief overview over my existential crisis about igniting the fire in my soul again : 

On 5/29/2025 at 8:12 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

I also had a long conversation with one of my friends about how I don’t really have a fire in my soul per my birth chart (cuz we like to use astrology as a short hand for discussing personal qualities lol) and that causes things such as me lacking energy, lacking main character energy, lacking initiative, lacking impulsivity, and lacking in my anger responses. There is a good side to most of these things. I might be low energy but I’m also a relatively chill person who can find joy and fulfillment in the little, quieter things in life and I don’t have to be constantly stimulated. My lack of main character energy often manifests itself as me being humble and not making bad, plot worthy decisions. I’m not impulsively doing dumb shit. I’m not sticking my nose where it doesn’t belong and being obnoxious with my sense of initiative. Finally, my lack of anger responses allows me to think through things clearly and not jeopardize my relationships.

Nevertheless, there are downsides which triggered this existential crisis. My low energy causes me to not work as hard or play as hard. My lack of main character energy leaves me feeling like I’m not engaged with life and that I cannot hype myself up and advocate for myself. My lack of initiative and impulsivity causes life and opportunities to pass me by. My lack of anger responses causes me to not take action in correcting what I feel is unjust and stops me from standing up for myself. Instead, I find myself crying in the corner, rotting in bed, and scrolling endlessly on social media. One of the biggest things I hate about myself is how my response to stress or someone coming at me crazy is flight/freeze instead of fight. Like lowkey, one of my regrets from high school is how I didn’t join the debate team, because maybe if I did, I would have some fucking balls.

(To tie it in with my previous post, I'm worried about this lack of fire in my soul as a character flaw rather than a personality issue. I don't think I have to change myself to be this overly outgoing and impulsive person in terms of my personality but rather I want to cultivate a sence of passion, initiative, and integrity so that I'm more true to my values character wise) 

I have been kind of throwing things at the wall to see what will work in terms of bringing this spark back into my life. Basically, my strategy for now is literally do anything except scroll on social media. Read a book. Write in your journal. Dance to music alone in your apartment. Hang out with people. Jack off. Cook something from scratch and try a new recipe. Sit in silence when you feel like decompressing instead of zoning out on Tiktok. Watch an Al Pacino movies on silent. Get coffee and talk to the barista. Do a work out class. Idk, just do literally anything to actively engage with life. Inconvenience and using your energy is not going to kill you or drain you but excessive convenience might in the same way that your brain and body decays not by using them but by not using them. 

At the same time, about a month or so ago, I've dealt with a situation where I ran out of birth control and it took some time before my doctor got the prescription together so that I can get my medication again. As a result, I had a two week period where I wasn't on birth control. And since I have a hormonal imbalance that the birth control regulates, those two weeks threw me off. Thankfully, I didn't deal with many side effects other than breaking out a little more and having some low energy here and there which is a minor inconvenience. But the thing that has been fucking me up is the way that those two weeks threw off my sex drive and messed with my sense of attaction to men. Basically, I have been hornier than usual and i'm thinking of people in ways that I typically don't. And I think I'm going to write about it here so I can process that lol. 

The first person I want to talk about is my coworker who I'm going to call R. R is a gym rat who doesn't season his chicken and I kinda thought he looked weird for the longest time because he kind of reminded me of this hairless cat both interms of his physique and his vanity/body image issues: 

But recently, he's been kind of stressed at work so as a result he hasn't been hitting his protein goals and working out in the way that he normally does. I can tell because he's been complaining about that and because he now looks more like a normal person since he has thinned out a bit. R is one of those naturally skinny guys who basically has to do crazy shit to maintain a yolked appearance. In other words, the man has lost weight, looks more like his normal self, and as a result, i'm not getting uncanny valley, hairless cat vibes from him. Instead, in my opinion, he looks pretty good and kind of toned. 

R also has a really attractive voice in my opinion. He has a southern accent and this deep soothing voice that is at the same time kind of authoratative. Even if I don't really like him as a person and physically he reminded me of the hairless cat video, even in the first day of this job, I always got a little flustered talking to him because he has such a beautiful voice. Given my line of work, this is also like the perfect customer service voice since angry clients do need to be calmed down but at the same time you can't just be a pushover lol. R is also kind of stoic, cold, and stern personality wise. This is not the type of guy I'm usually into. But I think that I'm into him now because 1. birth control is making me act weird and 2. because my current partner is the opposite of all of those things. My current partner, X,  is very silly, warm, nurturing, kind, and playful. That's what I love about him and that's what makes our relationship fulfilling because it compliments my personality while also being a good fit for me emotionally. I guess the way I would describe it is that X is like a chocolate lava cake that is the start of the show is warm, sweet, and has a lot going on for you to enjoy. But when I'm enjoying a lava cake, I do crave ice cream on the side to complement the lava cake. I probably wouldn't crave vanilla ice cream if the lava cake wasn't there. In other words, R is the ice cream. It's not necessarily his personality that I find attractive rather it's the contrast of what I typicaly go for. 

Here's the problem with R. R is a conservative who has said a bunch of questionable shit at work. While he's not a die hard Trump supporter, he has mentioned that he has a few friends who have a shrine dedicated to Trump and by the sound of it, the man wasn't joking. He also seems to have questionable morals around women or at the very least hangs out with questionable people. R has mentioned that he's afraid of getting falsely accused of abuse or rape which had me raise and eyebrow. Either he has done something questionable, the people he knows has, or he has no sociological understanding of the likelihood of a woman coming with these claims. R also made a comment about passport bros and it's unclear on exactly which side he's on, whether he's acknowledging the power dynamic between having a money and coming across a woman in a third world country, or he's fantasizing about being in that position to "easily change girl's life with $20." Given his history, I'm unfortunately willing to bet the later. And while he is the type of person I don't want to associate with myself outside of work, I have learned how to work with him and not be weird in social setting where he's there. He's weird character and questionable morals politically thankfully isn't bleeding into the way that he professionally carries himself so it's not like he profiling people, spreading gossip, being opprotunistic with upper management, or being shady throwing members of our team under the bus. I actually respect R's work ethic and the way that he professionally stands up for himself and others. In other words, he doesn't seem like a total dumbass. 

On top of his questionable character, R is also in a relationship. I have no interest in pursuing R since 1. I'm not a homewrecker, 2. I don't want to fuck a conservative, 3. I don't want to throw my current relationship in the trash and hurt someone I care about, and 4. I don't want to fuck up my career trajectory and reputation. That man has HELL NO written all over him, attractive physique and voice aside. Like sure, I fantasize about him bending me over and telling me what to do and having hate sex, but the fleeting thought of acting on it or getting into a relationship (platonic, romantic, fwb) with this guy has me feeling like this cat: 

Then there is my professor from like 6 years ago. I'm going to call him L. I had a pretty long period where I fantasized about this man until I found someone who had a similar personality and was more appropriate to date. He was a placeholder of sorts and I didn't want to act on it. I stopped thinking about this guy once I got into my current relationship, but I never stopped finding him attractive. He kind of looked like Al Pacino in THE 70s (not to be confused with Al Pacino in HIS 70s) except he was a couple shades darker (L is South Asian, not Italian lol) and had more body hair. L is the only person that I have found attractive without any prior emotional attachment. He was so beautiful. He had this gorgeous wavy hair that I wanted to run my fingers through. He also did the slutty thing that guys do which is roll up his sleeves. Like deadass, I am this meme. 

He also had softer facial features, full lips, and really expressive dark brown eyes. I also like darker features in general. I'm not really into guys who are overly masculine looking (like no giga chads for me lol). And on top of all of this, he is a short king! I like shorter guys (think around 5'5" to 5'8") because I'm on the shorter end and it just feels more proportional. And not to be gross, but I feel like if you have a big height difference with your partner, that certain sex positions just don't work or is logistically harder to do. I feel embarrassed that I'm still thinking about L after so long to where a lot of this is just hard write (I'm probably gonna delete this post and keep it private, idk). 

My type is men who look like this: 

My current partner on the other hand looks more like a young Ryan Gosling.

Don't get me wrong, I am attacted to X, but he's not my type. I'm not one to reject someone for superficial reasons. I'm comfortable with compromising my preferences but I don't compromise my standards. Like I might like shorter guys, but i'm not going to reject someone if they're taller (my man is like 6'1"). And X is the only person I have ever been with. We are each others' first and only everything. I have talked about this with my partner about how we are both late bloomers and we're each other's first everything. And since neither of us are particularly jealous and possessive, we are open to the idea of an open relationship upon further discussion.

I'm pretty satisfied with my relationship with X and I don't think there is anything fundamentally wrong in our relationship. I'm just kind of in a place where I want to explore. I have a higher sex drive due to the birth control messing with me. I feel more confident and present in my body since having the surgery. And that is also making me want to put myself out there more instead of hiding away in shame of how I'm perceived.  I have this urge to put myself out there whether that means dancing and going out more, or flirting with people. I think part of it is that I want to cultivate a more passionate and engaged life given the existential crisis i'm going through. There is a good Tiktok that I saw about how society right now is in this weird place where people are hypersexualized but there is a sense of prudishness due to a lack sensuality. There is a phrase that really harks on this sentiment of how everyone is beautiful but no one is horny. We chase perfection in terms of societal beauty standards but we lose a sense of humanness along the way. Like who tf is having sex after a 10 step skin care routine and after you put on 5 products for your morning shed?!?! The creator of the Tiktok was talking about how as romance author, it's very easy for her to find graphic sex scenes in romance novels but those books doen't a do a good job at capturing the sensuality and the build up of everyday life and the relationship dynamic. And ultimately, this lack of sensuality is coming from a place of not being present in our lives and in our bodies, in being disengaged with life itself. 

With L, and I guess guys who look like L like young Al Pacino, I feel like there is an itch that hasn't been scratched because I've never done anything with a guy who was my type. With R, I think there is a desire to explore different personality types and relationship dynamics than what I'm used to. But there are some things that are stopping me from having the conversation to open up my relationship.

1. I don't know how much of this is just the birth control making me act weird. This could just be a phase that lasts a couple months. I know that the moment that I started on my birth control, I stopped being attracted to R. I still think his voice is beautiful, but I'm not fantasizing about him anymore (and thank god because the cognitive dissonance was NOT FUN) 
2. I'm not super confident in my sexual performance to do anything with other guys other than my partner. I get tired kind of easily. I'm not super into giving head. I like cuddling more than having sex. And penetration is either not pleasurable at best or painful at worst (it's mostly physiological rather than psychological. Like I'm turned on and relaxed but it still doesn't feel great). And I think a lot of guys would look at me like I'm sexually awful in bed. 
3. As much as I want to explore guys who look different and who have different personalities, I feel like a lot of men do not pass my standards in terms of character, especially given the current political climate. I don't trust strangers to have access to my body especially given the overturning of Roe v. Wade. Not to mention, there is a physical safety issue to consider. I don't think I can do like one night stands. Fwb, maybe after hanging out with the guy a few times without anything sexual to make sure they aren't psychotic (or worse, a guy who listens to alpha male podcast bros).
   • R is attractive and has a good personality, but questionable character. I don't know much about L's character but when it comes to Al Pacino, so many of the characters he plays on screen are so questionable to where I have been watching movies on silent so that I can enjoy how good he looks but not have his character ruin the vibe. Also, Al Pacino irl is like 85 and he had a daughter who is YOUNGER than me and he's with women who are like half his age. Again, bad character. It has me feeling like the cat throwing up at the sight of broccoli video above. So I can't even have the fantasy of going back in time to 1975 and fucking him because he's a weirdo irl. There are so many guys that I saw in college who I thought was attractive until they started saying weird shit. Like you were hot before you started lecturing me about the carnivore diet and fan girling over Elon Musk. 
   • Like this desire to explore and have fun but also not hang around questionable creatures has me feeling frustrated emotionally and sexually. 

Like, why can't men shut up and look pretty? 

I know that sounds very misandrist of me to say. A lot of misogynists have the same view about women. But the difference between me saying this and a misogynist is that a misogynist doesn't want a woman with opinions or a personality because they don't view women as people. I on the other hand love a zesty man with personality and opinions. I just don't like it when the personality and opinions are bad and are reflective of horrid character. 

Edited 15 hours ago by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

What I Get Out of Internet and Social Media 

So I have been trying to cut down on my social media usage and how much I'm online in general. I watched a good HealthyGamerGG video that was talking about how if you want to overcome a video game addiction or social media addiction for example, you want to figure out what psychological need the video game is fulfilling and then go out in the world and replicate that in a more sustainable way in real life. I want to reflect on that more.

I also liked this quote from the video from 15:15 to 15:39:

Quote

 

So the reason why it's hard to balance is because balance is chasing inefficiency. You have to do things that are not rewarding and then it becomes really hard because how do you do things that are not rewarding? There is no behavioral reinforcement. Or the behavioural reinforcement is so low. So what I would recommend for anyone who is trying to balance is think about what you get the MOST out of this activity. 

 

I really like the phrase "balance is chasing inefficiency" in this context because it ties in what i talked about on how convenience and optimization culture and how it sucks the fulfillment out of life: 

Anyways, here is my reflections on Dr. K's video:

1. Educating myself: I feel like the reason why I watch hours of video essays and watch tiktok takes is because it leaves me feeling more educated. And I think there is a basis of reality in that feeling because I'm pretty well informed with what's happening in the world since I'm not just taking in slop. I love learning about politics, different social issues, and different cultures from the content I consume. I also think that educating myself leads me to feeling like I'm doing something to further the social causes I care about because I'm expanding my consciousness, I'm posting about things, and that kind of educational content allows me to have conversations with people irl. 

• Ways to educate yourself and engage politically without the internet: Read + volunteer + phone bank + protest + go to city hall meetings 

2. I feel like I need a break and turn my brain off: Sometimes I want to see something silly or scroll endlessly for an hour or so to decompress from work or to decompress from being outside all day

• Ways to turn your brain off without the internet: Go on a walk, work out, draw/ paint, dance around in your room, have sex, meditate, take a short nap 

3. A feeling of connection through parasocial relationships and by being in the know for different trends: I noticed that I tend to not be on social media or the internet when I have a full social schedule. I think sometimes, I resort to certain types of content for the sake of relating to others who have similar views and interests and wanting to be relatable and in the know with what's happening with pop culture. 

• Ways to feel more connected to people: go into the office and talk to your coworkers, socialize with your friends more often by calling them, hang out with your significant other, talk to strangers, join your local DSA. 

 

I also have a few goals / strategies I'm employing to combat my sense of nihilism that is being exacerbated by me being on my phone: 

1. Read one book every 1-2 weeks: started on this goal but I cannot say I have been doing a good job tbh. 
2. Replace your current iphone with a Blackberry that doesn't have social media: I've tried to delete the apps, log out, or have limits on the apps but none of these have worked. So I'm going to switch over to a Blackberry for a few months to see how that works out. Plus i've seen some videos of people switching out their smart phone or a dumb one and that has helped heal the brain rot.
3. Phone bank: I've only done this once so far and it's been great
4. Protest: I find that this is helpful in processing collective grief. I also think it's fun to paint various signs. 
5. Close your eyes for like 15-20 min instead of scrolling when you feel like you need to decompress after work or after you get home from being out and about
6. Get back into the habit of working out: helps me turn off my brain and lets me physically engage with life more 

Later, I want to start volunteering, start doing to DSA meetings, be more active in local politics. I also want to socially be out there more and have more friends who resonate with me. And one day, I want to move to a walkable city. That all sounds like a lot at the moment so I'm going to focus on the handful of things I listed above. 

[RendHeaven]

5 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

+ Horny Thoughts

[RendHeaven]

5 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

Like sure, I fantasize about him bending me over and telling me what to do and having hate sex

Jaw actually dropped

God we're so human

Blessing and a curse

4 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

Anyways, here is my reflections on Dr. K's video:

My phone broke down a few months ago and I simply never bothered to replace it.

As a completely phoneless person, I miss nothing.

[soos_mite_ah]

9 hours ago, RendHeaven said:

Jaw actually dropped

God we're so human

Blessing and a curse

I'm glad this amuses you lol. I'm still contemplating on deleting this post depnding on how embarrassed I feel 

9 hours ago, RendHeaven said:

My phone broke down a few months ago and I simply never bothered to replace it.

As a completely phoneless person, I miss nothing.

That sounds great! Happy for you.